Category Archives: Personal

My book


Are you a fan of my writing so far?

Do you find my model of giving away content for free to be oddly charming?

Would you like to pay for that content instead?

Well, here is your chance.

For just the cost of a latte, you could own the license to read a collection of short stories that I’ve already published here for free.

I know, it’s an odd business model, but I’m hoping it will work.

If you’re not up for throwing a few bucks my way, please leave an honest review of my work if you’ve enjoyed it… or I suppose if you haven’t.

A Day in the Life of…


Fuck. It’s morning already? What time is it?

5:00, I think.

Why am I awake at 5:00, I fell asleep at midnight? Maybe I can just go back to sleep.

You can’t go back to sleep. I’m up and I’m thinking.

I’ll try to go back to sleep.

You’re not going to sleep. Just get up. You have to pee anyway.

I can go back to sleep.

Get up. You have things to do.

Maybe if I stay in bed, other people will do those things.

Then you’ll get fired, your wife will be angry, and you’ll end up homeless.

Jesus Christ, fine. I’ll get out of bed.

The dogs want food.

Everyone wants something. Okay, they’re fed. I’ve peed. I’m going back to bed.

You won’t fall asleep again.

Maybe I’ll take a sleeping pill.

It’s 5:40, you’ll oversleep.

I’m just going to go lie down and try.

You’ll oversleep, the kids will be late and you’ll be fired.

Why would they fire me? It’s not like I’m late all the time.

You don’t deserve this job. You’re not good enough. They’ll fire you. Just keep going and hope they don’t catch on to how useless you are.

Now I can’t go back to sleep.

Told you. Get up. You’re only bothering your wife now.

Fine. I guess some alone time before work won’t be that bad.

Oh, look, the kids are awake too. Time to feed them.

Great.

You’re a horrible father. You should be happy to spend time with them.

I am. I’m just fucking tired. Shut up.

They’re probably going to end up fucked up because of you.

I’m trying okay. I love them. Shut up.

Trying and failing.

“Okay, kids, get dressed.”

Why aren’t their socks matching?

Because they lost half of them.

And you’re going to let them go to school like that?

No. I’ll find matching socks.

How do they not have any matching socks?

It’s your fault.

Okay, this sock matches, what? How the hell do you tear the hell out of a sock?

You hate them.

No, I don’t. That’s bullshit and you know it. Okay, we’re ready to go.  Walking them to school.  There’s a parent. Smile and nod. She didn’t acknowledge me. Does she think I’m weird? Disgusting? Does she think I want to fuck her? I don’t. I was just being polite.

You’re disgusting, you know.

Okay, time to go. I love hugs from my kids.

They’re going to hate you in a few years.

Just shut up.

What if something happens to them while you’re away?

I’m not listening to you.

What if someone shoots them?

Fuck off. It would kill me. Why would you make me think that?

The universe doesn’t want you to be happy. You’re disgusting. God doesn’t want you to be happy. Why should you be happy when so many other people are suffering?

Let’s just concentrate on getting to work.

You know it’s true. You’re not a good person. You deserve to suffer.

You’re right, I do. But I’m not. Can’t you just let me be happy and enjoy what I have for one moment?

That guy cut you off. You should speed up and tail him.

I’m not going to do that. That’s insane. And it’s not a big deal.

I hope he crashes his car and dies.

No, I don’t.

One more day at the office. You’re worthless.

I do a good job. I get good reviews every year.

They’re going to fire you today.

No, they’re not.

They’re going to fire you and you won’t be able to get another job and you will have failed your family. You’ll be homeless living out of a car and on welfare. Or worse, you’ll be a 43 year old loser living in his in-laws house.

I’m not getting fired and I can get another job if I am.

He said “Hello” to you.

I smiled and nodded to him.

Don’t make eye contact. You don’t want to be weird. Ha. You didn’t make eye contact. He probably thinks you’re rude. Say “Good morning” to her.

“Good morning.”

She didn’t respond. She doesn’t like you. She thinks you’re disgusting too.

She’s probably just dealing with her own shit.

She thinks you want her. She thinks you’re disgusting.  She thinks you’re a fat, old, disgusting pervert.

All I said was a friendly, “Good morning.”

You should go to the gym. Then at least you wouldn’t be fat.

Probably.

Of course, they’d still think you’re weird.

Can’t you just shut the fuck up for one minute? Sigh… finally. Now maybe I can do some work.

This is boring.

God damn it.

This is boring. Check your Facebook.

Fine.

They’re going to see you check Facebook instead of working and they’re going to fire you.

Sometimes I hate you.

You’re going to die.

I know.

You’re going to die soon. And then you’re kids will be messed up for life.

I’m not going to die soon. Will you just shut up and let me do my damned job.

Fine. Do your job. You’re going to die.

No, I’m not.

Your kids are dead.

No, they’re not.

You’re really crazy, you know.

I know. I’m on medication.

It’s not helping.

Yes, it is. I haven’t had a panic attack in 18 months.

You’re crazy and you’re going to turn your children crazy.

I’m not listening to you anymore. Finally, 5:00. See? I can make small talk with other people.

They still don’t like you.

Okay, what should I make for dinner?

You’re not a good cook.

My wife doesn’t complain.

She’s being polite. It’s really not that good.

I should do the dishes. Why are there so many dishes?

Because you’re lazy and don’t clean enough.

Okay, dishwasher started.

You don’t spend enough time with your kids.

I’m trying, alright!

You’re failing. You’re the worst father.

I’m pretty sure that’s not true. There’s that guy in Perris.

So you’re better than an abusive father. You deserve an award.

I’m going to have a drink.

You drink too much.

To shut you up.

You drink too much and you’re going to die and you’re wife and kids will be penniless and hate you.

I have life insurance.

Not enough to last them more than five years.

I’m having another drink.

You’re an alcoholic.

I’m not. I just want you to shut up. I’m watching TV.

Fine. But I’ll be waiting for you tomorrow morning.

Sigh… I know.

Good dog…


Meesha

This was Meesha. She was 15 years old. She took her last ride in the car with me tonight. She was a good dog. A very good dog.

We adopted her when she was thirteen years old. From the first day she was with us, she burrowed into our hearts. She loved to sleep next to me on the couch. She was my cuddle puppy. A dog who would jump on my lap when I got home from work and lick my neck and face. She would lie on her favorite pillows with her legs crossed like a proper lady. She enjoyed being a dignified dachshund.

She became sick a few months ago. Seizures. We did what we could to treat them. But the prognosis was a likely brain tumor. At her age and at the cost, chemo… was not an option, so we did what we could for her to help with the seizures and give her the best end of life she could have.

Tonight was the end of that little life. She had been in decline this week. Losing her eyesight periodically. Losing her hearing at times. Panting. Losing control of her bowels and losing awareness of her environment.

So I hugged my cuddle puppy. And I gave my best puppy friend the dignified death she deserved. Now… there’s an empty bed in the house and an empty place in my heart.

I’ll miss you, girl. You were a good dog. The best dog. Even though I only knew you for a couple of years, I feel like you were always mine.

Yeah… I can’t even…


Not today.

All I feel like doing today is going back to bed, pulling up the covers, and pretending that the world does not exist.

I’ll hopefully be back on Monday.

Insomnia


2:30 am.

Haven’t slept. Thinking about the future. Sick to my stomach.

Anxiety or bad food? Heartburn or heart attack? Guess we’ll see which if I wake up or not.

Fuck.

Kids are sleeping. Peaceful. Happy.

Awake. Thinking of their future. Too many worst case scenarios to think of. I hope they’re never like this. Awake at 2:40 worrying. That my issues don’t screw them up. Anxiety that I already have.

Never peace. Only moments of less anxiety.

Close my eyes. Try to sleep. Seems like forever. Clock says it was 5 minutes.

Fuck.

Hope I don’t fall asleep at work. Heart beating fast now.

Probably anxiety. Always anxiety.

Fuck.

Try to fall asleep. Rest.

Feeling sick again. Morning comes too quickly. Still…awake.

Fuck.

Monday fun


Depression, anxiety, semi-compulsive thoughts about death and loss, acid reflux, a pervasive feeling that I’m doing a horrible job at work and raising my children, and a brain that seems to jump automatically to ‘worst-case scenario’ mode as the most likely scenario to happen.

Just another Monday. Weeeeeee!

(And no, it wasn’t any easier when I was self-medicating with alcohol. I still had all of those issues, plus an added anxiety that I was becoming an addict and would end up drinking myself to an early death.)

(Aslo no, it wasn’t any easier when I was a religious fundamentalist, except then I also had the pervasive fear that God hated me and was going to torture me forever because of thought crimes.)

Just something I have to deal with day to day. Keep moving forward.

Where I’m at…


I’m now 29 days into sobriety.

Not that I think I needed meetings, but I’m trying to get healthy again, and downing a bottle of wine a night just isn’t healthy.

Sleeping much better now. Instead of waking up every 2-3 hours, I sleep 6 hours and wake up. The quality is much better too. Getting a lot more dreams now, which reminds me of why I wanted to write. I might have to spend some time trying to restart my writing side career.

Anyway, the biggest difference is that I’ve noticed just how much TV sucks.

That said, I just finished watching Daredevil, which was really good. Brutal and well choreographed fight scenes. Pretty well-rounded characters who react like flawed people.

I’ve also still been keeping up with NCIS, The Flash, Arrow, Agents of SHIELD, An Idiot Abroad, The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Person of Interest, and It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

I gave up on Gotham and Scorpion.

I’ve been listening to Dan Carlin’s Hardcore History (Blueprint for Armageddon), Drunk Ex-Pastors, Doug Loves Movies, How did this get made?, History of WWII, History of the Papacy, British History Podcast, and Ancient Religions of the Mediterranean.

Still trying to get through Star Wars Episode II so I can do my next installment of Nerd Fight, but it’s… wow… it is really, really rough. It’s worse than I remember it being.

Anyway, hope all is well with ya’ll. I’ll post another round of Bible Family Values tomorrow along with anything else that catches my interest.

Facebook fun…


Anyone else write out full multi-paragraph responses to someone’s meme or post illustrating how ill-informed that meme is, and then promptly delete without posting because it’s not going to be worth the fallout.

Day 8


Fell off the wagon a bit yesterday. Trying to get back on it. I might double up on protein days this week to right the ship.

Oh well, change isn’t easy, but I’m not giving up.