Category Archives: Religion

We are very pro-life here…


Welcome to America.

We are very pro-life here.

Mind the bodies. COVID, you know… nothing to be done. Mandates? No, here we encourage people to do their own research on Infowars.

But we very much believe in the sanctity of life.

Kindly, keep your gaze from the ghosts on the right. They perished from the guns we make and sell. Many find their accusatory stares of the children to be discomfiting.

Personally, I don’t get it. There’s nothing we could do to stop it.

Every human life is precious and created in the image of God.

To your left, you’ll see the gallows where criminals are executed.

Yes, sir, unlike those godless countries, we value human beings.

Those? Oh, those are the ghosts of people who were killed by our police.

Guess they should have complied, am I right?

Every child is precious to us.

To your right, you’ll see the cemetery where the war dead are buried. It’s quite large.

We’re adding more space every day.

But life is precious to us.

Mind the hungry moochers over there. No, giving them anything to eat will just make them lazy and entitled.

Some people just don’t want to work for a living.

Yes, we love God and we love life here.

The lessons the church has taught me…


I grew up in a church. I’ve been in one most of my life. I went to a bible college to become a pastor.

In all that time, I was given one message about God, all the while, another message was being taught to me by the actions of Christians in general and Evangelicals in particular. So I’d like to review the lessons I’ve learned.

You’ve taught me that God is more concerned with a fetus that isn’t even an inch long yet and cannot feel or think than he is with a classroom full of children who get murdered by a gun.

You’ve taught me that God thinks I’m a moral monster because if I were given the choice between saving my two children or 1,000 embryos from a fire, I would always choose my children. Always.

You’ve taught me that God thinks that character counts unless you’re a Republican who can give you something you want.

You’ve taught me that God cares more about the reputation of His church and institutions than he does about the victims of rape and sexual abuse.

You’ve taught me that God blames the victim.

Again, you’ve taught me that God cares more for the fetus that cannot think or feel yet, than he does for the rape victim who He wants to carry that fetus to term.

You’ve taught me that trying to provide health care to those without it (i.e. heal the sick) is Satanic and allowing for profit companies to charge people out of health care is God’s will.

You’ve taught me that God doesn’t want us to use the government to care for the poor, but he does want us to use the government to take care of and cater to the needs of the wealthy.

You’ve taught me that God doesn’t care about the refugees and he would just as soon prefer that they go back to their own countries and die out of the sight of the godly.

You’ve taught me that God hates the LGBTQ. I know you don’t like to say it any more. But it is what you taught me when you called AIDS a gay disease and cited Romans 1 to prove that AIDS was the penalty they deserved that they received in their bodies. You continued to teach it to me by telling me that they deserved hell for loving the “wrong” person. That they chose to be gay. That maybe they didn’t, but God was demanding that they live a life of constant struggle and denial of basic humanity. You continued to scream “God hates fags” as you sought to change religious liberty into a license to discriminate whether it was in baking someone a cake or letting them provide a home to foster children or adoptable children.

You taught me that God will judge America for accepting gay people and for abortion, but are remarkably silent about gun violence, our treatment of the poor, refugees, systemic racism, our unjust wars, and our past history of slavery and genocide.

You taught me that God thought slavery was a good thing because it meant that Africans were exposed to the gospel.

You taught me that God approved of the genocide of the Native Americans was a good thing because without it, America would not have come to be.

You taught me that God thinks black lives do not matter and he thinks that unarmed black men should be gunned down because they looked scary or smoked marijuana once.

You’ve taught me that God destroys towns and kills people with natural disasters but saves crosses and bibles.

You’ve taught me that God thinks America is the greatest nation on Earth and is above all other nations and peoples.

You’ve taught me that God elevated Europeans as the preeminent example of man with Christianity and “civilization”.

You’ve taught me that God thinks it’s taking His name in vain when I curse with “Jesus Christ” or “God damn it”, but He wants “In God we Trust” put on the money and the schools of a nation that floods the Earth with guns, engages in unjust wars, supports and gives aid to genocide in Yemen, and funds drug cartels and violent gangs in Central America.

You’ve taught me that God thinks bad words are four letter curses, but God ignores or approves of the things you say about one another outside of church.

You’ve taught me that God is a free market capitalist and any attempt to make the system more equitable or humane is godless socialism.

You’ve taught me that God sees a happily married man who raised two daughters and remained faithful to his wife as a foreigner and apostate, but God approves and chose a serial adulterer who raised children as corrupt, selfish, and greedy as himself.

You’ve taught me that God is okay with denigrating women and using and abusing their bodies for my personal gratification, so long as I’m in a position where I can give you something you want.

You’ve taught me that God created seven billion unique individuals with their own strengths and weaknesses, their own unique genetic code, their own hopes and dreams and aspirations, and then God told them that they have to act in exactly one of two ways based entirely on their genitalia.

You’ve taught me that the church of God is just another corrupt and morally vacant political lobby.

Is it any wonder I despise your god?

10 Gift Ideas for Christians in your life that you hate…


I was surfing around online and came across a Christian gift idea so stunningly awful that it sent me down the rabbit hole of unintentionally funny or bad Christian gifts. So to help you with your holiday shopping for your devout Christian friends and family, I’d like to present to you my holiday gift guide for Christians in your life that you hate.

Finally, a holiday gift for the Evangelical Christian who is also a massive Sons of Anarchy fan in your life:

bikerjesus

 

I hope your game at getting into heaven is better than your game on the court, son, or you will get REJECTED again!

basketball Jesus
Seriously, Jesus is like, “GET THAT LAYUP SHIT OUT OF MY FATHER’S HOUSE!”

Speaking of “Sports fan Jesus,” do you know what a 1st century Judean rabbi who lived in a desert his entire life would be super good at? HOCKEY!

hockey jesus

Continuing on the Sports theme, did you ever want a picture of ‘roided up Jesus pinning 19th century philosopher Karl Marx? You do nowMMAJesus

“BLESSED ARE THE RICH, KARL! FOR THEY ARE THE JOB MAKERS! OH YEAAAAAAAH!”

Continuing on with bad T-shirts, is this gem:

hentai jesus

Which I almost feel bad making fun of it, because I can just imagine it’s the product of some desperate wife out there saying, “Honey, I love Macross and Dragon Ball Z too, but you have to stop looking at tentacle porn! How can I compete with a 14 year-old Japanese schoolgirl with 44DDD breasts being raped by a tentacle monster?”

Also, obvious joke, “In Japan, Jesus always comes first…” is obvious.

And in more sex ideas, as if sex between two guilt ridden virgins who had been trained to think of sex as evil their entire lives wasn’t awkward enough, here’s a constant reminder that each time you do it with your spouse, it’s always a threesome because Jesus is there.

threesomejesus

He’s watching you guys. He knows where you’ve asked Sarah to stick that dildo, Bob… Marriage takes three…

And if you needed another reminder, Ghost Jesus is watching you masturbate.

ghostjesus

If you travel North, you’ll find Superman and Santa and Jesus.

GodCompass

The Lord might be my strength, but this is my knife. There are many like it, but this one is mine…

godknife

Are you a Christian who wants to let everyone know that you haven’t actually read the words of Jesus Christ?

Look no further than this gem of a coffee mug:

TrumpJesusmug

Heaven is a GATED COMMUNITY, LIBTARDS! WOO!

I hope that helps with your Christmas shopping, everyone.

KC: ICE Angel… ICE Angel… Please be mine…


Before we can get to Kat’s meeting with Chloe, we jump back over to Abdullah who lets his zombie not-wife know that Jesus finally told him the plan. He’s supposed to go see the people of The Other Light and love them unconditionally.

This would have all been cleared up with a phone call or an email weeks ago.

Chloe Steele Williams pulled a sheet from the file folder and handed it to Ekaterina Risto, watching carefully for a response. The young woman squinted and seemed to be reading quickly. She appeared unable to speak.

“You know we’re fair here,” Chloe said. “I would like your side of this.”

Chloe says this right before she demonstrates that she already believes the bad report and isn’t interested in hearing Kat’s side.

“…But this says she has talked with me about these problems. Problems I didn’t even know I had. I don’t remember her talking with me about them at all. In fact, we haven’t talked, except for normal chitchat while working, for days.”

“Now, Ekaterina. These are summaries of your discussions. About your being tardy, taking too long of breaks, leaving early, being hard to find when team chores are scheduled, sitting with Kenny at the Noah appearance without permission, disagreeing with her in front of the staff.”

See, I have this piece of paper and I’m not interested in finding out whether or not it’s true. I just assume the worst of you, kid, because apparently despite being a zombie, I’m still an asshole.

“Is it possible for me to talk with her personally?”

“Face your accuser, you mean?”

“I guess.”

“But it appears you two have talked quite a bit, and your behavior has not changed.”

Really? Because Kat says they haven’t talked and you haven’t even followed up with her supervisor. Seems like the thing to do before you accuse someone of being a bad employee based solely on a piece of paper that just showed up on your desk this morning.

But finally Chloe decides to talk with Mattie, Kat’s supervisor and try to clear the matter up. If only there were an omniscient deity that was everywhere and could communicate telepathically with his zombie followers who could tell Chloe the truth and who actually wrote the report, but then we’d miss out on so much pointless drama.

“I am to speak on Jesus’ behalf,” Abdullah said. “Say what He would say if He encountered these people.”

“But the Bible foretells how Jesus will deal with His enemies at the end of the Millennium,” Yasmine said. “There will be no mercy, no patience.

But God is love and love is patient and kind… I guess unless you cross it and then love is pain and torture and lots of burning fire.

Chloe had long loved Mattie Cleveland. She was tall with short sandy hair and laughing eyes.

Hmm… do go on, book…

She had been raptured and returned at the Glorious Appearing, immediately gravitating toward children.

Disappointing on so many levels…

“Hey, Chloe,” she said as she entered. And as soon as she noticed Ekaterina, she said, “Kat! How’s my favorite new aide? Why the long face?”

“Your report,” Ekaterina said as the three sat.

“Report?”

Chloe handed it to her. Mattie read it with a furrowed brow, then glanced up at Chloe. “Where’d you get this?”

“It was in my box at the end of the day yesterday.”

“Forged.”

“I’m sorry?”

“Wholly made up. I’ve never seen it, didn’t write it, never had these conversations with Kat. Don’t know a thing about it. She sat with Kenny with my permission, and as for the rest of it, totally fabricated. I’ve been watching this one from the first day to make sure she’s not too good to be true. I couldn’t ask for a better worker.”

And  I bet you feel really bad for being an asshole to Kat earlier, right, Chloe?

Chloe sat studying both women. “Then why does she want to be transferred out of your area?”

Oh, right. You’re an asshole.

So Kat tells Mattie that she really wants to Jesus more with the kids instead of sportsball and Mattie says, “Hey, you can Jesus more during sportsball.” And that makes Kat happy enough to stay.

“I’d love that, but how does that address the Qasim issue?”

“I noticed he was on your case a lot, but I couldn’t tell whether you found it annoying or charming, so I left it alone. He bothers you, I’ll put him in his place. How’s that?”

You do not cross Zombie Coach. Also Zombie Coach stinks at recognizing sexual harassment. Maybe it’s time to fire guy with history of sexual harassment.

Also, later, Kat will completely forget this situation when she gets an email telling her that er boyfriend is evil and automatically believes it without giving him a chance to explain.

“Whoever pulled this prank—and there’s no way they thought they could get away with it; I mean, how long did they think it would take me to check with you, Mattie?

Well, judging from how you were talking to Kat five minutes ago… probably never. They figured you’d never talk to Mattie.

It’s a lie, it defames someone, and it evidences someone who is not showing the love of Christ.

Oh, if only there were an omniscient deity who could communicate with you telepathically and solve this mystery!

Meanwhile, we go back to Rayford and his friends… Hi, Bruce’s unnamed zombie wife. I’m going to call you Tammy. Because I was watching Parks and Rec last night.

The preachers pulled no punches. They warned that God would again strike their land if they chose to ignore him. But they also thrilled the masses with the promises of the Lord.

“LOVE ME! BREATHE ME! LIVE ENTIRELY FOR ME AND I PROMISE NOT TO SET YOU ON FIRE FOREVER!”

He sounds nice.

Tsion Ben-Judah was holding forth one cool evening, telling a crowd of thousands, “Thus says the Lord of Hosts: ‘For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.

Thoughts of setting you on fire forever if you don’t do exactly what I say…

You shall fear the Lord your God and serve Him, and shall take oaths in His name.

Didn’t Jesus say don’t take oaths? Literally, he said don’t take oaths. Say yes or no and do it. And anything more than that is from the evil one.

Do Christians not read their bibles or do they just not notice the contradictions?

“ ‘For as the rain comes down, and the snow from heaven, and do not return there, but water the earth,

God does not know how the water cycle works. Yes, the rains and the snows return to the sky in the form of water vapor. It’s almost like an omniscient deity didn’t write the bible but some asshole who failed elementary school science did.

But it’s a particularly nice day-night so after Tsion is done unintentionally convincing me of atheism, they decide to camp out and tell stories.

Finally Tsion said, “Rayford, do you realize where we are?”

“I do, old friend. We’re not far from where you came through on your flight from Israel so many years ago. Tell the story. I don’t believe Mac and Bruce or the ladies have heard it.”

Or not. That story wasn’t exciting 10 books ago and it’s not going to be exciting here. You can almost hear Jerry Jenkins thinking, “PAGE FILLER! I NEED MORE PAGE FILLER HERE!”

“Well, okay. I had made my position clear on international television from Jerusalem that I, a rabbinical scholar, had come to the conclusion that all the prophecies of the Bible that pertained to the coming Messiah were fulfilled in the man Jesus. You can imagine the outcry. My family was slaughtered, and I was chased from the country.

I mean, I’m not an expert on Judaism or Jewish people, but it’s been my experience that when a Jewish person says, “I’m converting to Christianity!” most of his friends and family do not jump straight to murder as a reaction.

Tsion says how Cameron bought an old bus, and they drove from Israel to Egypt where a border station stopped them and a guard name Anis searched the van and found Tsion.

“He whispered hoarsely to me through clenched teeth in Hebrew, ‘You had better be who I think you are, or you are a dead man.’ What could I do? There was no more hiding, no hope in pretending I wasn’t there. I said to him, ‘Young man, my name is Tsion Ben-Judah.’

“Still holding my shirt in his fist and with his flashlight blinding me, he said, ‘Rabbi Ben-Judah, my name is Anis. Pray as you have never prayed before that my report will be believed. And now may the Lord bless you and keep you. May the Lord make His face shine upon you and give you peace.’ As God is my witness, the young man stood and walked out of the bus. I lay there praising God with my tears until Cameron reboarded and drove away.”

“The strange thing was, I never found out whether the young Anis was an angel or a man, but I know he was sent from God.”

Chaim said, “I suspect that he was otherworldly, because much later I saw him outside the Garden Tomb—the same young man. Could it have been coincidence that he was assigned twice where our paths would intersect?”

“It was no accident,” came a new voice, causing Rayford and the others to jerk around. Standing just outside their shelter, the moon illuminating him and the fire dancing on his cheeks, was a man in silhouette. “I was your rear guard that night,” he said, “just as I am on this mission.”

And with that his image faded, and Rayford and the others fell on their faces, praising and thanking God.

Whooooooa… so let me get this straight… this angel got sent to Earth by God, joined the One World Government border patrol around Israel and hung out on this one road for God knows how long chatting with his partner and acting human until Buck and Tsion show up in an old bus. And then the angel doesn’t even know who Tsion is and threatens to murder him if he’s not Tsion and then tells Tsion to pray to God that his human partner believes the angel when he says the bus is empty and then after their gone, he what? Puts in his two week notice? Keeps playing border patrol guard until Jesus shows up?

None of this makes any sense and could also be much more of an interesting story than anything Jerry has actually written so far:

The Adventures of Anis, Border Patrol Angel.

Where is that book?

KC: Mimeographs from their Uni-bomber Style Shack.


Alright, now we move on to the Other Light manifesto. Let’s dive into the evil, shall we?

To the thinking members of the global society: Use your brains! You are capable of rational thought.

Okay… a bit redundant, but nothing exactly evil there. You have a rational mind, use it. The bible even says that God wants to reason with you and to test everything and cling to the truth.

We of the Other Light acknowledge that everyone who entered this period of history was a believer in God, either surviving the last seven years on earth as they knew it or returning from heaven with Him.

This is true.

We do not deny that God was the Creator and that Jesus is His Son.

Well, you can’t exactly deny it. You have proof and evidence of God’s existence and undead Jesus is on the Earth, even if he is spending all of his time in the Temple instead of doing the job of running the global government or going on a speaking tour to all the parts of the Earth.

We deny that He ever came to earth in the flesh or that He died and was resurrected.

Why? I mean, I know why some people doubt in Jesus’ existence in this world and I know why we doubt a resurrection took place here and now, but Jesus exists in your world. He’s physically there and he still has scars from his death.

Is this another problem that Jesus could solve if he spent less time indoors at the Temple and more time out doing speaking gigs and media tours?

Yes. Yes, it is.

We aver that He unfairly treated one of His own creations, an angel, and summarily cast him out of His presence, forever besmirching his name and reputation.

Okay, this is just stupid. First, you’re basing your theology not even on the original texts that show Satan alternatively as an agent of God, God’s District Attorney, or ultimately the god of evil, but on thousands of years of human stories and tradition that added on all sorts of details to the mythology.

How do you know that Satan was treated unfairly? You haven’t met the angel, have you?

Didn’t think so.

Worse, He has left men and women no choice but to believe in Him and serve Him, denying our free will.

Okay, now you’re approaching a good point. Why does God give you free will if He’s just going to take it away once you agree to serve Him? What point is there to free will if free will ends? If you ask Christians who believe in free will, they will tell you that God did not want obedient robots that loved him, he wanted us to choose to love Him, but then God is going to make you incapable of sin or going against His will after you die, leaving him with obedient robots.

We have no quarrel with those who believe and follow Him and consider themselves devout. We simply insist on the right to decide for ourselves.

Wow. So evil. The evil, evil group wants freedom of religion in Jesus’ utopian society. I mean, it doesn’t make any sense because they all know they’re living in a universe where Dispensational Pre-millenial Christianity is the one true religion, but just go with it. They’re evil because they want freedom of religion.

If it’s true that we, as His opponents, are not allowed to live past the age of one hundred, this merely proves our point: He will not countenance an alternate point of view.

Okay, you’re not doing yourselves any favors here. If I might suggest a better avenue of attack, it’s why would a loving God sit isolated in his temple and slay us when we turn 100, thereby condemning us to a life of eternal torture from Him and separation from our friends and family? What crimes have we committed to justify eternal torment? Can you really justify thought crimes as being worthy of eternal punishment?

Couldn’t a longsuffering and loving God give us a little corner of the world for our own where we can live free of Him if we choose to or emigrate back to his kingdom if we want to?

We, however, insist on our right to rebel, even in the face of seemingly insurmountable odds

Do Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins really think that all non-Christians or apostates are just rebelling for rebellion’s sake?

I’m pretty sure they do.

See, they somehow look on this world with all of its random evils and pediatric cancer, natural disasters, and a perfectly reasonable theory that best fits the observable evidence for how humans came to be and they think it’s absurd to not believe that the Earth is only 6,000 years old and all of those evils were caused because a woman ate a fruit she got from a talking snake.

They think we know Christianity is true and just assume that we choose to rebel because… I don’t know… porn or something.

It never occurs to them that if we were provided incontrovertible evidence of God’s existence and the rightness of their theology, like a global rapture, that we would believe. I mean, begrudgingly, because I don’t like the option of becoming a neutered robot, but I like the option of burning alive forever even less, but I would still believe.

Because of the new world, the population is exploding as never before. Literally billions more souls will be born with every generation, and therein lies our hope.

Why? Have you tried to kill one of the undead Christians? I don’t mean to harp on that, but if you literally cannot kill an undead Christian with knives or bullets, then you’re not going to be winning a war against them.

A rational mind would test the hypothesis that you could win a war against the supernatural.

Even if it’s true, our progeny, properly informed and coached, will—by the end of the Millennium—amass an innumerable force. God’s own prophecies indicate this.

And then God’s own prophesies say they all die and God reboots the universe.

You guys really haven’t thought this through. You are in a no-win scenario, but the least painful option is to just go along with and obey the dictator.

The biggest mistake God makes will be to loose our leader for a season at the end of this Millennium, for that shall truly signal the end of His kingdom.

Why? If God put him in jail once, it stands to reason that he can do so again.  And why is Satan your leader when you literally know nothing about the guy? Shouldn’t you wait until he shows up and see if he’s worth following or has your best interest at heart? How do you know that Satan will be any better as a dictator than Jesus?

What happens if you succeed and Satan become New God. And New God sits atop a throne of skulls and says, “Alright. Now let the torture begin!” And the demon scorpion horse locusts come back?

Again, not thinking logically here.

Vote third party!

I’m kidding. DO NOT VOTE THIRD PARTY. NEVER VOTE THIRD PARTY.

Watch our ranks grow with every generation, and we will in the end prove that God is anything but gracious and loving and forgiving.

Well, yes… you will, but at the cost of your own lives and an eternity of torture for you and your kids.

Is it really worth that just to prove a point?

Wouldn’t it be better to just go to Jesus and ask for a constitutional government that derives its power from the people and oh, yes, could you please stop killing us and sending us to your eternal torture pit?

If we have to go somewhere, just poof us out of existence.

Alright, so our ‘villains’ have a couple of good ideas, but are mostly just as stupid as our ‘heroes’.

KC: I’m surprised they didn’t use the phone…


So Rayford and friends meet King David.

Apparently, Egypt elected a couple of youngsters to its ruling council and they decided to miss the Feast of Tabernacles and this is a huge deal that has made God very mad. But God can’t tell the Egyptians directly that He’s mad and that they need to repent for… reasons.

So God’s going to kill the two youngster leaders and collectively punish Egypt with a drought because God is still a dick. Or maybe he misses the Good Ol’ Days when He slaughtered Egyptians like 100 times over.

David wants Rayford and company to go rebuild Egypt after God is finished destroying it and Rayford agrees.

Meanwhile, we get into the courtship of Kenny and Ekaterina. It lacks all of the passion and eroticism  you’d expect.

“We traveled from Greece for the Feast of Tabernacles, as we do every year,” Ekaterina Risto told Kenny as they sat at a table fifty feet from hundreds of napping children. “And now we want to stay where the Lord Himself sits on the throne, although we will miss our homeland.”

“Tell me of your life there.”

“My parents met in an underground church that was once ministered to by your grandfather and your parents, as I understand it. The congregation feared for their lives every day, hiding from Global Community Peacekeeping Forces. My mother was pregnant with me when Jesus returned at the Glorious Appearing.”

“So, like me, you are in your nineties.”

“A child,” she said, smiling. “Of course, this is all I have known, but I have seen pictures of my mother when she looked much as I do now. She tells me she had just turned sixteen.”

Kenny nodded. “This time is as the days of Noah, when people lived for centuries.”

“I only wish I could stop aging at a youthful year, as your mother and grandmother have.”

“I didn’t know my grandmother before the Glorious Appearing,” Kenny said. “But pictures of her from before the Rapture show her older than she looks now.”

Whew… stop, guys… I’m melting over here.

They trade testimonies. Kenny with his dead zombie parents and how God put them in charge of all of the kids whose parents God murdered and consigned to eternal torture.

Meanwhile, Ekaterina resented a little bit of God’s “convert and surrender your free will to me or die and be tortured forever” so she wasn’t a believer until recently in her eighties. But she saw what happened to “THE WRONG CROWD.”

“They were hostile. They didn’t study or investigate or even think about it after a while. They made fun of the devout, and they refused to acknowledge Jesus at all. Have you heard of the Other Light?”

“Oh yes.”

“Some of them moved to other parts of Europe so they could join that. They not only chose against Christ, but they also chose for Lucifer. It was as if he became their hero, like a martyr who wasn’t dead but only temporarily bound.”

Ah yes, because it would make perfect sense to join up with Lucifer who Jesus has already beaten once, right?

Let’s pause for some more “romance.”

Ekaterina stood and paced. “That’s just it, Mr. Williams.”

“Kenny.”

“Oh, I don’t know about that. If I’m going to work for you . . . I mean, not that I’m saying I know I’ll get the job . . .”

“It’s all right. Call me what you wish.”

“I’ll tell you what: if you call me Kat, I’ll call you whatever you wish.”

“You’re on, Kat.”

Dude… can you writes something this steamy and sexual in a Christian book?

But Kenny says, “Hey, that’s crazy. Satan is going to lose and they’re going to die and go to hell.”

Kat says, “Yeah, but they still think they can win and that Satan will break into hell and release them once he’s done kicking God’s butt. And that’s why I’m a Christian now, because seriously, Jesus Christ is right there. I don’t have a choice. I can either accept the complete loss of my humanity and free will, or GET TORTURED FOREVER. ”

Have you noticed that we’re nine chapters in now and nothing of importance has happened? Did you notice that chapter nine consisted entirely of two conversations?

Did you catch that regardless of her not being an enemy of God, that Kat would have gone to the same place as her friends if she didn’t take God up on his “Convert or die and be eternally tortured” bargain?

Seriously… in a world where Jesus Christ is supposed to be alive and visible, WHY ISN’T HE A PART OF THIS WORLD?

KC: The Abuser


I’ll put a mild trigger warning for people who have been in abusive relationships.

We open with Rayford and the God squad visiting Cendrillon’s parents. They are grieving for their daughter. Not only for her death, but also for the knowledge that she is being tortured for all of eternity by Jesus Christ their Lord and God.

But she made Him do it.

That’s the overarching theme of the funeral. She made Him hurt her forever. She forced God to hit her with her thoughts and opinions and somehow doubts.

So everyone gathers together for the funeral and her dad opens it up.

“We praise Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith,” he began, laboring.

“And the torturer of our daughter forever. Blessed be his bloodied hands…”

“But this is neither the memorial of a life nor the celebration of a home going, for as you all know, there is only one place for the dead now, and it is not heaven.

God’s eternal torture pit.

Then Cameron stands up and gives his message.

“Hey, everyone, I know this is a funeral, but Cendrillion is being tortured for all eternity by Jesus, so you know, if you’re not on Jesus’ good side, get there before He comes to kill and torture you too. Because if you don’t, it’s your own fault for being killed and tortured by Jesus.”

If you have hardened your heart against Him, it is not because you don’t believe. It is not because you don’t know. It is because you choose to go your own way rather than His, to indulge in a life centered on your own pleasures and wishes rather than dedicated to the One you know is creator of the universe.

Stop making God hit you! Just do what He says and He won’t have to beat you. Have you tried being more submissive?

Cameron also gives us the magic words that we can use to save ourselves from being beaten by God.

‘Thank You for sending Your Son, Jesus, to die on the cross for my sins. I confess I am a sinner and ask Your forgiveness. I receive Jesus as my Lord and Savior and surrender my life and future to Him.’

God may still want to beat you, but he’s contractually obligated to spare you if you say and believe the magic words.

Clap harder.

Dead Raymie is sitting next to Kenny, Cameron and Chloe’s son, and says, “Hey, you said the magic words and meant them, right? I don’t want to see God beat the shit out of you for all eternity.”

Kenny says, “Yeah, dude. We’re good. Magic words said. Praise be to the Savior. May the blood of his enemies always flow from His hands.”

From all over the building, people were streaming toward Cameron, many weeping. Hundreds knelt as he led them in prayer.

“SAVE US! SAVE US FROM THE BLOOD GOD!” they cried.

This is also, by the way, the image that everyone who hands out tracts or does street art or preaches on a soap box jerks off to.

One of the other dead guys notices that some of Cendrillon’s family isn’t praying and weeping to be saved from Jesus Christ, and says, “Man, I wish I could go undercover and find out what these damn kids are really up to, you know?”

Maybe you should ask the omniscient and omnipotent Jesus Christ who is physically on Earth? No? No? We’re going to go with sending Kenny? Okay then.

Kenny had been ten and living in the kingdom a few years when his mother led him to Christ and prayed with him while putting him to bed one night. “I don’t feel like a sinner,” he had told her. “I hardly remember doing anything wrong.”

“Sin isn’t necessarily just things we do,” she had said. “It’s what we are and who we are. We’re all born in sin and need forgiveness.”

You are worthless. You are trash. You are corrupt. You don’t deserve good things. You deserve to be beaten. Worthless. Filthy. Disgusting. You should thank God for every foul breath you draw. Because God will come for you, you know. And He will not be happy with you.

Kenny goes up to introduce himself to Cendrillon’s cousins.

As he reached the family, he noticed two young men about his age who looked a lot alike. He reached for one’s hand. “You a relative of Cendrillon’s?” he said.

The bushy-haired young man shook Kenny’s hand. “Depends,” he said. “She owe you money?”

Kenny couldn’t help but grimace. What a thing to say at time like this.

You know…  as opposed to saying God is torturing her forever and ever. Amen. Praise the Lord.

He introduces himself as Ignace and his brother Lothair. Lothair says, “Hey, that crackpot made her sounds like a loser.”

That was actually more Mohammed’s thing.

Kenny’s like, “Yeah, but you know, she’s in hell being tortured by God, so… he’s kind of right.”

“Did you even know her?”

“Yeah, sure. Not well, but she was from my area.”

“Then you know she wasn’t some big sinner. She hadn’t even been outside Israel since she was a little kid. We couldn’t even talk her into having a little fun.”

That’s a perfectly reasonable objection. Why does Cendrillon deserve to be tortured by God forever?

Because she existed?

If so, wouldn’t it have been more merciful for God to deny her existence rather than to give her 100 years and then beat the shit out of her for all eternity?

“Fun?”

“Yeah, you know. Fun. Something other than singing songs to Jesus to make sure you live past a hundred.”

“I wouldn’t mind living past a hundred,” Kenny said.

“Then you’d better get saved, don’t you think? According to this guy, that’s the only way to make it. Unless you got a pass by coming straight here from heaven. You didn’t, did you?”

Yeah, and he’s right. This is the universe you live in. You don’t have a choice. You are either submissive to the blood god, or he beats the shit out of you forever. I mean, that sucks, but that’s the reality of your situation.

Lothair makes stronger wine out of the rivers and pools of wine that God made and Kenny is appalled, because when God said wine, he only meant grape juice. Ha ha ha… yeah, grape juice. Jesus made water turn into grape juice, kids.

And Kenny finally notices their suits with pinstripes that are repetitions of the letters TOL over and over again, because black T-shirts with “VILLAIN” printed on them would have been too subtle.

Kenny trades contact info with the heathens because he’s Kenny Undercover now.

KC: In which ‘everlasting’ equals ‘100 years’


We jump forward 93 years and Rayford is kicking back bitching about getting old to his dead friend Tsion.

“Oh, go on!” Tsion said. “A man is still a child at one hundred here, so you’re just a young teen.”

“I’m telling you, I’m not the man I once was. I can’t imagine what it’ll be like for me hundreds of years from now.”

That’s a valid question. Think of spending centuries trapped in a body that is no longer functioning and you can’t die.

Paradise, everyone.

“Well, we had our chances at glorified bodies, didn’t we?”

“Don’t remind me.”

This is the perfect distillation of this series of books: You had your chance. We were right. Fuck you.

Rayford says he feels led to become a missionary. In a world in which Jesus Christ and angels are visible, and the dead have come back to ageless life. When they get a call from Chloe who asks her dad to come over and see them because one of their ‘kids’ died at age 100.

“Who died?” Rayford said, thinking he was being rhetorical.

“Cendrillon Jospin,” Cameron said.

“The French girl? She was a leader, with you since the beginning.”

Chloe sat shaking her head. “You could knock me over with a fig, Dad. If I’m not mistaken, she had actually led others to faith.”

Actions don’t matter that much in Real True Christianity. You have to believe. Clap harder, you know. Otherwise, you might think you’re a Christian and do charitable things, but maybe you don’t believe hard enough and then you die and Jesus tortures you for eternity…

Because he loves you.

Also, it’s your fault. It’s always your fault.

“I’m not sure about that anymore, Chloe,” Cameron said. “She taught, yes, and she counseled. And it seemed she was an enthusiastic saint. But as I think back, I can’t say I ever knew of someone coming to Christ specifically through her leading. Can you?”

One of the things I’ve experienced slightly since my intellectual shift into agnosticism is the speculation about why I’ve done so and a deconstruction of my life as a believer.

Christians really don’t want to think that someone could really believe the stories of the bible and really believe that Jesus Christ is God and our Lord and Savior, and then reexamine that belief as new information is introduced to us.

So Cameron begins the process of deconstructing the life of this girl that we’ve never even met.

“The Jospins want me to speak at her funeral, Rayford,” Cameron said. “They know the truth, and yet still that’s what they want. Whatever would I say? She seemed a wonderful girl, and had her death been the result of an accident back in previous years, I’d have been able to rhapsodize about her. She was a dear friend, a valued coworker.”

That it’s monstrous that a dear friend and a wonderful girl is now being tortured by God for all eternity? That God is a dick? That the blood of Christ and the love of the Father should be enough to cover and bring home everyone?

That’s what I’d say.

But no, we get further deconstruction that Cendrillon wasn’t really a nice girl. She had opinions, after all. And a woman having opinions is verboten. She also apparently had doubts, which is completely illogical, because again, you have the ageless dead living with you, Jesus Christ and angels visible in Jerusalem, God is here. There is definitive proof that “Real, True Christianity” is right in this world that the authors have constructed.

Faced with a world like that, doubt is literally impossible.

They arrange to have a party go over to her parent’s house and interrogate them to see if they suspected their daughter was an evil heathen and whether or not it’s okay for Cameron to tell everyone that their daughter is now writhing in torment in hell fire because of Jesus.

We shift perspective to Rayford’s son, Raymie. He was 12 when God killed him via Rapture. But he was given an adult, ageless body and an adult intellect. And he apparently works with his sister Chloe and tries to convert the kids they were watching over.

Let’s pause for a moment on this part though:

While Raymie wondered what a normal life might have been like, with dating and love and marriage and parenthood, he found it convenient to not be distracted by such things while immersed in a life of service to Christ.

Christians talk a lot about the importance of the family and loving others, but ultimately they see these things as a distraction from the purity of their calling to serve the Lord.

So… yeah… your marriage, your service to your spouse, your service to your children, your service to your parents and siblings… just a distraction from Jesus.

Which is, of course, ass backwards.

Assuming for the moment that God exists, my service to my spouse is service to God. The acts of kindness towards my children are acts of kindness towards God.

I serve God by serving others.

My family is not a distraction, it is an opportunity. It is a calling. It is a holy calling.

Raymie meets one of his living friends Bahira and they have an awkward opening conversation:

“I have discovered the reason for the Lord’s silence,” she said.

“You’ve experienced it too?”

“Of course.”

“Usually it’s because we should know the answer to what we’re asking.”

“But that’s not it this time, Raymie. I was asking Him for nothing but comfort. He granted a measure, but His silence scared me. Then it came to me. He too is grieving. As He rejoices whenever a soul chooses Him, the time has come again when some will go the other way.”

“But He is all-knowing, Bahira. Cendrillon could not have been a surprise to Him.”

She shrugged. “But still it must grieve Him.

Then maybe he should stop sending people to hell.

Seriously, God is sending these people to hell and it makes him sad, but he can’t stop sending them there because WHY?

Sin?

Nope, he’s GOD. He made the rules. He could change them. He could send them to a place where he could give them a stern talking to. He could meet with each of them on their 100th birthday and say, “Hey, Dude, I notice you haven’t pledged allegiance to my kid, what’s up with that?”

He could do literally anything he wants because he’s GOD.

If it makes Him sad, He could just stop doing it!

The topic shifts to the dead girl and Bahira says Cendrillon wanted to go partying with other heathen in France and Turkey. There are clubs full of people in their eighties and nineties who party and boast about not following Jesus.

Though Bahira mentions it, it’s not explained how seeing GOD AND ANGELS AND AGELESS DEAD PEOPLE doesn’t convince people that Christianity is real.

But these kids are unbelievers and they like Satan. Probably because Satan isn’t consigning them to an eternal torture pit.

“Dad says they seem for real. Yes, it may be for attention, and perhaps they know better and are planning to change their minds and their courses in time to avoid death at one hundred. I’m surprised the Lord doesn’t squash them like bugs.”

Or Jesus could show up and have a talk with them. Answer their questions.

“His mercy is everlasting,” Bahira said quietly.

Nope. Everlasting does not equal 100. Everlasting mercy would mean Jesus is standing at the gates of hell knocking until the last soul comes out wearily and collapses and cries into his shoulder saying, “Father, I am not worthy to be your son, consider me as one of your hired men” and Jesus shouts to heaven to throw a giant party because his son has come home.

We continue on and apparently cults of The Other Light or Satan worship have started to spread. Police have been reintroduced. Prisons exist once more. And Cendrillon was dabbling in joining a Satanic cult, so you know… obviously she deserves to suffer in torment and agony forever.

His mercy is everlasting.

Will it Jew?


https://www.vox.com/2018/10/11/17961620/texas-evangelical-lgbtq-discrimination-lawsuit

Sometimes when I read the news, I like to play a little game that I call “Will it Jew?”

“Will it Jew?” is a very easy game. You just take a quote from someone or from a story about someone who wants to discriminate against one group of people and replace their group’s name with “Jew”.

For instance, this:

Two conservative Christian groups in Texas believe that businesses and employers have the legal right to discriminate against LGBTQ workers on religious grounds, and they’re trying to get the courts to back them up.

Becomes this:

Two conservative Christian groups in Texas believe that businesses and employers have the legal right to discriminate against Jewish workers on religious grounds, and they’re trying to get the courts to back them up.

Or this:

The US Pastors Council and Texas Values, two nonprofit evangelical groups, filed multiple lawsuits in state and federal court this week, claiming that Christian businesses and churches have a constitutional right to fire — or not hire — LGBTQ workers.

Becomes this:

The US Pastors Council and Texas Values, two nonprofit evangelical groups, filed multiple lawsuits in state and federal court this week, claiming that Christian businesses and churches have a constitutional right to fire — or not hire — Jewish workers

Or this:

“Texas Values will not hire or retain practicing homosexuals or transgendered people as employees, because their lifestyles are contrary to the biblical, Judeo–Christian understandings…”.

Turns into this:

“Texas Values will not hire or retain practicing Jews or Jewish people as employees, because their lifestyles are contrary to the biblical… understandings…”

The point of “Will it Jew?” being, of course, that if you can replace the group you’re talking about with the word Jew and it sounds like something Hitler would say… maybe it’s time to rethink your position.

Feel free to play along on your own. I hope you find it enlightening.

KC: Jesus Christ: Cow Killer


Thirty days into the interval between the Glorious Appearing and the millennial kingdom, Tsion told Rayford and the others to expect something dramatic.

You’ve gone 12 books and counting without anything dramatic happening, I doubt it’ll start now.

Late that afternoon, Rayford was startled by the sky turning black and lightning and thunder rolling in. He felt compelled to venture out and was surprised to see that everyone else seemed to have the same idea. Natural phenomena were simply not as terrifying as they had once been, and based on Tsion’s teaching, Rayford was convinced this was hardly natural. This was an act of almighty God.

When it appeared that the fiery show had riveted the attention of all, a great bolt of lightning streaked from the sky and vaporized the temple. There seemed to be not even a speck of dust remaining, no chunks of stone flying, no fire. Where the temple had once stood, the black sky rolled back to reveal blue and nothing on the horizon.

All hail the one true god, Chris Hemsworth!

So… still no god showing up?

Nope. I mean, yeah, God showed up as early as Genesis to chat and eat with Abraham, but maybe they’ve been too busy trying to find the Bible Code in Daniel that they never got around to reading Genesis.

Even just a Monty Python foot from heaven would have done it.

I guess God still wants everyone to have faith, even though they’ve seen Jesus Christ and a buttload of angels saying, “Christianity is the one true path.”

I mean… do they somehow think that I wouldn’t believe in their version of Christianity when I can go visit Jesus Christ or chat with an angel? Is God the Father showing up and saying, “Hi” really going to break anything?

Rayford goes on and finds dead Cameron and dead Chloe hanging out with over two hundred kids whose parents Jesus murdered.

“Some reward, eh, Dad?” Chloe said. “We were without Kenny for a little while, and now we have more loving children than we can handle…”

“Hi, Amy is my little girl. I’m in hell right now. Any way you guys could put in a word with Jesus for me? No? You’re just going to take my little girl? No… no, that’s alright, God has me scheduled for a 10 o’clock in the Pit of Knives and Blood Worms anyway.”

“We need a structure for them.”

Why? This is supposed to be paradise. They can literally ride a bear now. Nothing is going to hurt them. God controls the weather.

“Way ahead of you,” Rayford said. “The Lord has already put that construction on my agenda.”

God is part of this story, right? Can’t he just will a fully furnished building for 200 into existence? He has to use a mind-controlled Rayford to do this?

“Think of Jesus Himself as the government, Rayford,” Tsion said. “He will put in place princes and governors under His authority…”

Why? He’s God. He should be able to handle the ruling the world thing himself.

We jump ahead to Rayford chatting it up with Chaim and Tsion about the new Temple that Jesus built which Rayford points out, makes zero sense.

“…The temple will be full of priests, and the nations will be called to worship and sacrifice there.”

“But you taught me that Jesus was the sacrificial Lamb who rendered the sacrifices obsolete. With Him here and in charge, what is the need for a temple, and especially for sacrifices?”

Good question. What are the odds that we’re going to get a good answer? I’m guessing “zero.”

Then Jesus calls everyone to the new Temple that he build and on the way, they run into, and I shit you not… rivers of wine and milk, because Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins took a passage that was obviously symbolic as literal.

Rayford and Chaim reach the new Temple and Jesus gives them a magic tour. I will spare you the details of the dimension of the inner court, the outer court, the court of the priests, the holy of holies, and all of the animals that Jesus demands be killed in his name, even though the bible clearly says in the New Testament that Christ was sacrificed once for all, and Jesus Christ, what is the point exactly of forcing everyone to be vegetarian if you’re just going to introduce death into the world with your sacrifices? At least a cow dying for my burger is something of a benefit to someone. Killing and burning a perfectly good cow for a self-sufficient god who makes the rules is just a senseless act of violence.

So Jesus spends time quoting from Leviticus about all the different animals that they have to murder to make him happy. The entire time, Rayford is sitting there thinking, “Yeah, but what’s the point of this, you’re god.”

And Jesus says, “Hey, nobody use that door. That’s my private door.”

You’re God! You can teleport. You have magic God powers.

Jesus said, “This water flows toward the eastern region, goes down into the valley, and enters the sea. When it reaches the sea, its waters are healed. And it shall be that every living thing that moves, wherever the rivers go, will live. There will be a very great multitude of fish, because these waters go there; for they will be healed, and everything will live wherever the river goes. Fishermen will stand by it from En Gedi to En Eglaim, spreading their nets. Their fish will be of the same kinds as the fish of the Great Sea, exceedingly many.

I thought everything was a vegetarian now. Why are there fishermen? Did you guys not even read the first chapter of your book?

But finally Rayford gets an answer. And, as expected, it doesn’t make sense.

The Lord said, “The sacrifices My Father required long ago were but a shadow of these good things to come. These same sacrifices, which My chosen ones are to offer continually year by year, cannot make those who approach perfect. But in these sacrifices there is a reminder of sins every year, just as the celebration of My supper is in remembrance of the price paid of My body and of My blood. The blood of bulls and goats could never take away sins. You have been sanctified through the offering of My body once for all. And every priest daily offering repeatedly the same sacrifices can never take away sins. But after I offered one sacrifice for sins forever, I sat down at the right hand of My Father, waiting till My enemies were made My footstool. For by one offering I perfected forever those who are sanctified. My chosen ones must continue to present memorial sacrifices to Me in remembrance of My sacrifice and because they rejected Me for so long.”

Yeah… Jesus is demanding a bunch of cow murders, not because they’re going to be useful, but to remind us of sin.

While Jesus Christ is standing on the Earth.

With all of the scars and nail holes from his crucifixion.

And all of the bibles and dead zombie Christians and living Christians able to tell everyone about Christianity.

And somehow, we didn’t need to kill any animals to remind us of sin for the 2,000+ years of the ‘Church Age’, why?

Once again, it must be said that NONE OF THIS MAKES SENSE. Even by the rules you’ve set for yourself.

Jesus is the perfect sacrifice and is visible to everyone, but we have to murder a bunch of cows and goats that we didn’t have to murder during the entirety of Christianity, so that we’re reminded of sin, even though we can clearly see the scars on Jesus and everyone is telling us about sin.

Couldn’t you just leave a post-it note? Maybe write in fiery letters in the sky, “Hey, everyone, don’t be a wanker. -God”