Category Archives: Religion

An Infidel Reads the Quran: Surah 3:102-142


Honor God. If you’re not a Muslim, try not to die.

Remember how God is choosing not to set you on fire forever and be grateful to him.

Be a community of virtue, righteousness, and refraining from evil.

Don’t be like those guys who decided not to join my new religion even after I gave them clear proofs. (Like what?)

On the day of judgement, the good people will all turn white, and the bad people will become black.

God doesn’t want injustice for mankind, even though he controls everything and could end injustice. Yes, try to make sense of those two statements.

You guys are the best of humanity because you believe me, unlike those Jews and Christians who suck. But it’s mostly Jews and God’s going to make them miserable. I mean, not all Christians and Jews suck, there are a few good ones.

If you suffer evil, it’s your own fault, not God’s, even though he literally controls everything. Don’t be friends with non-Muslims that want to hurt you. That would seem applicable regardless of our respective religions, but sure.

I mean sure they say they believe in God, but they don’t believe the right way and must therefore be duplicitous snakes talking mean things about you behind your back.

Seriously, Jews and Christians suck.

Remember when we won that one battle even though we were outnumbered. This is clear proof that I speak for God and not a case of superior tactics, battlefield position, and training. Nope, it was God talking to me and three thousand invisible servants.

God chooses who to save and who to set on fire forever. Well, he sounds like a nice guys, doesn’t he?

Don’t charge interest on loans.

Obey me… and God… but mostly me since I’m the only one that God talks to, right?

Do good, when you sin, ask God for forgiveness.

If you do what is right, you get a neat garden with flowing rivers which would probably sound like heaven to someone from the deserts of the Middle East.

Lots of nations fell and they weren’t Muslims, so checkmate, unbelievers.

If you’re suffering, it’s because God wants you to and needs you to suffer so he can finally kill all the non-Muslims and set them on fire forever. God wants some people to overcome suffering so he can give them awards at a nice ceremony at the local Kiwanis club over a chicken dinner.

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An Infidel Reads the Quran: Surah 3:28-61


Okay, let’s see what else Mohammed has to say…

You’re not supposed to make non-Muslim friends. God does not like this at all, but he’ll give you a pass if you do it because you’re afraid of them. This is funny because the next verse says God is powerful over everything, so why would you ever be afraid of a non-Muslim? Couldn’t God just stop them if they intended to hurt you?

Judgment Day is coming.

If you love God, then you have to follow Islam. It’s the only possible conclusion aside from all of the other religions that say the same thing.

God chose Adam… well… He didn’t really have much choice there. I mean, if there was a literal Adam, he was the only person on Earth. And Noah and Abraham and Imran… Imran? Gotta look this one up. Ah, okay, that’s what Islam calls Mary’s dad.

Mary’s mom apparently dedicates her soon to be born baby to the Lord and is shocked to find out it’s a girl. Because you know girls are different than boys. That’s what the text says. Girls are different than boys. She gets the name Mary and gives her up to God to protect her and her descendants from the devil.

Mary apparently hangs around the Temple with Zachariah. And she’s always got provision… is this food? A baby? I have no idea. Let’s go with food. Mary’s always got something to eat and Zachariah says, “Hey, since you’re in pretty tight with God, why don’t you ask him to give me a son?”

So an angel shows up and says, “You’re going to have a son, John the Baptist.”

“How will I know? I need a sign.”

Mohammed messes up the story here. The angel says he’ll be silent for three days. The original story from the gospel of Luke is that Zach was silent until after the baby was born.

Then some angels pop up and tell Mary that God really likes her and she’ll bear the Messiah Jesus who is pretty good and almost the best prophet aside from the person dictating this. Mary objects since she’s a virgin, but God can magic up a baby without sex.

Jesus is going to teach the people the Old and New Testaments. He’s going to make a clay bird and bring it to life. And do some of the stuff he did in the gospels like healing people and raising the dead. Jesus also says he’s going to change some of God’s laws in the Torah, which goes against the gospel of Matthew where Jesus said he didn’t come to abolish the law and that not one stroke of the letter of the law would pass away.

Jesus gathers disciples, then God says, “You know, Jesus, I’m going to kill you and bring you up here with me so you don’t have to deal with unbelievers anymore who I am totally going to set on fire forever.”

But Jesus was totally just a man like Adam.

But if any Christians want to argue with you about that, you’re supposed to tell them, “Okay, gather all of your family and I’ll gather my family and we’ll call down the curse of God upon the one of us who is wrong.”

And then presumably you’d all stand around awkwardly for a while as nothing happened.

“So… uh… now what?”

“I don’t know… uh…. I guess we fight?”

“I say God is Love!” yelled the Christian as he brought down his sword.

“I say God is Merciful!” yelled the Muslim as he brought down his sword.

Repeat that for the next 1,200 years and you’ve pretty much got the history of the Middle East and Europe except occasionally Christians would kill other Christians for being the wrong kind of Christian and Muslims would kill other Muslims for being the wrong kind of Muslim.

Isn’t humanity great, folks?

 

The Great Cosmic Prank


So, okay, there’s this God. There’s this God and he’s sitting in a great void, so he says, “Let there be light.” Big bang happens. Particles and shit go everywhere. So this God, right? Still alone in a big pile of particle shit. But he’s literally got all eternity to wait and work, so eventually all of those particles come together to form the first stars, then planets. So He’s sitting in a nearly infinite universe He’s just created with billions and billions of galaxies each full of billions and billions of stars and planets. Like almost infinite diversity in the universe already.

So this God whether by design or through the natural course of the events He set in motion picks a planet or maybe more, who knows, right? And says, “Let there be life.” A few little proteins coalesce and form a few rudimentary living things. Microscopic life. And they multiply and they mutate and soon… well, soon, on a galactic scale, there’s trillions of the little things floating around, but they don’t look like the first living things anymore. All of that reproduction and mutation has caused significant little changes here and there. Some were good, some were bad. But now we have a lot of microscopic bio-diversity.

And soon (again, cosmically speaking) we’ve got some of these microscopic cells that sort of develop into more complex critters and then more branch out and develop into more complex creatures and soon we have an ocean full of life and millions of distinct animals. Some of which start to crawl or flop about on land, and boom… land animals.

Amphibians, lizards, insects, dinosaurs, meteors, mammals, monkeys, primates, and then some primates give birth to a baby primate that has something… that spark of self-awareness and intelligence that sets him or her above their ancestors. Human beings develop and spread. It’s a rough go at first, but soon there are millions of us wandering about the Earth building civilizations, asking questions, each one of us unique and individual. Millions becomes hundreds of millions.

So then God, right? Remember him? God sitting in an infinite universe of infinite stars and near infinite planets looks down at one world where there is uncountable diversity of life and hundreds of millions of homo sapiens each unique and individual and then God looks down and shouts at the hundreds of millions of homo sapiens on one tiny rock orbiting one star in this infinite universe and this God shouts,  “HEY! You guys have to all fit into exactly two categories and it depends on your dangly bits or lack thereof.”

Best fucking joke in the universe, right?

The TL:DR Bible: Matthew 9-10


Chapter 9:

Jesus goes back to Capernaum and they bring a paralyzed man to him.

Jesus: “It’s cool, Bro, your sins are forgiven.”

Scribes: “Whoa, there, Blasphemer.”

Jesus: “Dudes, I could have told the guy to get up and walk-“

Paralyzed Man: “I kind of wish you had.”

Jesus: “But so you guys know I can forgive sins too, you, get up and walk.”

Ex-paralyzed man: “Sweet.”

Jesus leaves and sees Matthew at the Tax Collector’s booth. “Come on, Dude,” he says. Matthew closes up shop and leaves with Jesus. Matt throws a big party for all of his friends: other tax collectors and sinners.

Pharisees: Why are you hanging out with them?

Jesus: Everyone needs love, man. Especially the outcasts and sinners. Don’t be so religious, man. Be compassionate.

Disciples of John: Hey, how come you guys don’t fast?

Jesus: Because I’m here. When I leave, they’ll fast.

Jairus: My daughter’s dead. Come and bring her back to life.

Jesus: Okay.

A woman grabs his cloak to be healed.

Jesus: It’s cool. You’re healed.

They arrive at Jairus’ house. Jesus brings the little girl back to life.

Jesus heals some blind men and asks that they keep it to themselves, which seems odd because bringing a little girl back to life seems like he’d already be pretty famous.

Jesus casts out demons. Jesus spends his days teaching and healing people. But there are so many people out there, He wishes He could have some help.

 

Chapter 10:

Meet the twelve apostles. Most of them aren’t important to the stories.

Jesus: Go take my message to the people. But only the Jews. No Gentiles or half-breeds. Tell them the kingdom is coming. Heal people, raise the dead, cast out demons. Don’t bother taking anything with you, the people will support you. And if they don’t, God will get them.

This next passage sounds like it was adapted later after Jesus’ death.

“You guys will be like fat juicy lambs in a pack of wolves. They’re going to arrest you and whip you and you’ll be brought before kings and governors. Don’t worry about what you’ll say. The Spirit of God will talk through you.”

“You’ll be betrayed by family and sent to death. Everyone will hate you, but continue the mission. You won’t finish preaching to all the towns of Israel before I come back.”

They did finish. They went to the uttermost parts of the Earth.

“You’ll be treated like I’m treated. Badly. But don’t be afraid of them. Be afraid of God who can burn you forever in hell. He’s watching you. Over you, I mean. He’s watching over you.

“I didn’t come to bring peace, but to divide families and friends.”

But the angels said, “Peace on Earth…”

“Who are you going to believe? Me or some random angel? Anyway, if you love your family more than Me, you’re not worthy to be My disciple. But if anyone receives you, they will be rewarded. Now who’s ready to go out there and get some persecution!”

Disciples: You know… uh… I just remembered… we have a thing… Peter? Didn’t you say we had a thing with the… nets…? But you know… after that. Totally on board with the persecution thing. Yea, persecution! Just let’s go do the thing first….

The TL:DR Bible: Zechariah 1-6


Chapter 1:

Zechariah: God got angry with our ancestors because they didn’t listen to the other prophets I sent them and repent. So you better repent and listen to me.

People: Okay, we repent and we’ll listen to you.

Then Zach sees a vision of a guy on a red horse who stands in the middle of myrtle trees with a bunch of horses behind him.

“I have got to remember which plant I smoked,” Zach said.

Angel on red horse: “These are the ones God sends out to patrol the Earth.”

“Everything’s cool,” the patrolmen… patrol-horses… patrol-angel-horses replied.

Then the angel said, “Hey, God, how long are you gonna be pissed off at Judah, eh? Why don’t you cut the kids a break?”

“Yeah… okay,” God said. “I’m going to reestablish Jerusalem and make you guys rich.”

Then Zach sees four horns.

“Oh, those are the horns… that scattered Judah, Israel, and Jerusalem. And those guys are coming to chase them away and overthrow the nations that scattered you guys.”

 

Chapter 2:

Then Zach sees a guy with a measuring tape.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m going to measure Jerusalem,” he said.

And another angel appears. “Hey, other angel, go speak to that guy and tell him Jerusalem will be a city without walls because God will be a wall of fire around it.”

“Everyone come back to Judah and leave Babylon,” says the Lord, “I’m totally going to plunder the nations that plundered you. And everyone shut up before the Lord. He has a headache.”

 

Chapter 3:

Then Zach sees Joshua the high priest standing before the angel of the Lord, and an accuser is standing at his right hand accusing him.

“I accuse!” said the Accuser.

“Of what?” God said.

“Something…”

“Shut up. Bailiff? Take those filthy clothes off the defendant and get him some party clothes. See?” said the Lord, “I’ve taken away your iniquity. Now, put a clean turban on his head.”

“Are you sure, Lord? That headwear is mighty ‘foreign’.”

“Yes, I’m sure. Now everyone, if you guys do what I say, we’ll get along fine and we can hang out. And Josh? He’s cool. I’m going to bring in my servant, the Sprout. And look at the cool stone I’ve put in front of Josh. It has seven eyes. And I’m going to have it engraved with “I’m going to take away your sin in one day and give you peace.”

“I really have to remember which plant I smoked,” Zach said as he drifts off to sleep.

 

Chapter 4:

“Hey,” an angel said. “Get up. Look around.”

Zach sees a lampstand with seven oil lamps on it and seven spouts belonging to seven lamps above it and two olive trees on either side.

“What the heck is this?”

“This is God’s message to Zerubbabel, “I’m going to make you great, so that you can conquer and destroy mountains and make them plains. He has built the foundation of this house and his hands will finish it.”

“What about the trees and lamps and stuff?”

“Those are the anointed ones that stand by the Lord.”

“Sure… why not?”

 

Chapter 5:

Then Zach sees a flying scroll.

“That’s the curse that God is sending so that all the thieves and hypocrites will be killed by having their houses burn down.”

And there were no more thieves or hypocrites ever again.

Then Zach sees an ephah… which Wikipedia tells me is about 23 liters of grain… and the angel lifts the lid off of the pot and sees a woman sitting in the middle of the grain and he says, “This is evil!”

So he throws her back in the pot, sets a lead weight on top of it and two more women with stork wings come and take the pot away.

“Dude… whoa… so where are they taking her, man?”

“Out to Shinar, where they’ll build a Temple for her and she can sit on a pedestal.”

You know… Ezekiel seems sane and reasonable next to Zechariah.

 

Chapter 6:

Then Zach sees four chariots with different colored horses.

“What are these things?”

“Those are the four spirits of heaven. Two are going north, one is going south, and one is really jonesing to get out there and patrol the Earth.”

“Go patrol the Earth!”

So they patrolled the Earth.

“Those guys heading North have appeased my wrath,” said God. “Now, go take an offering from the exiles.”

Seriously… what the hell?

“Take silver and gold and make a crown and put it on the high priest’s head and say, “God is going to send a man named Sprout and he will build the Temple of the Lord and He will be a priest and a king. This crown will be a reminder to you guys so when it happens, you’ll know that I am the Lord, but you’ve got to obey me completely.”

The TL:DR Bible: Jeremiah 32-35


Chapter 32:

Jerry is in jail. Jerusalem is under siege by Babylon, and King Zedekiah has arrested him for saying that the Babylonians would take the city and kill the king and cart everyone off to Babylon.

God has another object lesson for Jerry. This time Jerry’s uncle shows up with a piece of land that is currently worthless as the Babylonians are trampling it, but Jerry is told by God to buy it anyway as proof of his faith that God will bring the Jews back. So Jerry buys the land and has his friend put the deed into safekeeping so one day it can be redeemed, even though Jerry will be dead by then and God has commanded him to live a life of celibacy… Kind of poor planning there…

God and Jerry have a conversation about everything we’ve been talking about for the last 31 chapters.

 

Chapter 33:

God says Jerusalem will be restored with Judah again. He prophesies that a Messianic king will appear from David’s line and David will never lack a man to sit on the throne of Judah and the priests will always offer sacrifices to God forever, but loophole! If the Jews break God’s covenant, then he has taksie-backsies rights on that prophesy, so there, Mr. Skeptic.

 

Chapter 34:

Jerry said, “Hey, King Zedekiah, the city will be overthrown and you’re going to have to look the King of Babylon in the eye and explain to him why you rebelled and then you’ll be carted off to Babylon.”

Maybe that gets to the king, because he orders the release of all of the Jewish slaves and the people all agree to that, but then decide that they really like having slaves and go back on their word.

So God says, “Hey! When I made the rules for owning people, I specifically said Jews go free after six years! You can keep the Gentiles and their children forever, but Jews go free! And you didn’t do that. In fact, none of you ever did that… which… really, I guess I should have seen that coming being God and all and just told you not to own people, but come on! So now I have to kill you all.”

 

Chapter 35:

“Jerry.”

“Oh, no.”

“Time for another object lesson. I want you to invite these guys over to dinner and offer them some wine.”

“Sigh… okay. Hey, guys, want some wine?”

“We don’t drink wine because one of our ancestors said, ‘don’t drink wine, live in houses, plant crops, or grow fruit.’ We’re nomads and we’re only here because of the Babylonians.”

“See? They obey this dead dude, but Judah doesn’t obey Me!”

“Yeah, we get it…”

“Oh, and because you guys listened to your dead dude, I’ll make sure Nebuchadnezzar doesn’t kill your whole family. You know… at least one of you will be left to stand before Me forever.”

“Uh… hooray?”

The TL:DR Bible: Isaiah 5-7


Chapter 5:

God: So you guys are a like a vineyard that I planted and built up and toiled in expecting good fruit, but you’ve only produced crap. I wanted justice and righteousness from you, but all I find is bloodshed and the cries of the oppressed.

So I’m going to let others destroy your nation.

Woe unto the greedy and the rich who accumulate more and more. I’m going to cause you to lose money. Woe unto the revelers and drunkards. I’m going to send you into exile. Many of you will die. Your country’s beauty will be destroyed. Her people will be abased. Foreigners will eat in the fields that belonged to the rich.

Woe unto the mockers of God, the false prophets, the proud, the drinking champions, and the corrupt. It will soon be as if they were consumed with fire. God has already begun striking our land and he will not stop.

He will call on another land to come and invade us.

 

Chapter 6:

After King Uzziah died, I had a vision of God. God was seated on a throne. Six winged angels flew around him, covering their faces and feet and crying out about His holiness and glory. The temple shook at their voices and filled with smoke.

I said, “I’m screwed. I’m a mortal man, a sinner, and I’ve seen God.”

So one of the angels took a burning coal from the altar and seared my lips. “You’re good now.”

God: I need a messenger. Who will go talk to the people for me?

Isaiah: Uh… why do you need a messenger?

God: What?

Isaiah: Well, you’re God. The Big Kahuna. The Supreme Deity. You can do anything. Couldn’t you just talk to everyone in Judah the way you’re talking to me now? I’m pretty sure if they saw you and your glory and six winged angels, they would probably stop with the whole Ba’al worship stuff.

God: Uh… yeah… but I’ve… uh… I’ve got a thing. Why don’t you go instead?

Isaiah: Uh… okay, but I’m just a guy… you’re God… anyway, I’ve got things of my own, how long will this last?

God: Oh, you know, just until no one listens to you, I get angrier and I lay wasted to your nation.

 

Chapter 7:

So in the days of the evil king Ahaz, the Arameans come and attack Jerusalem, but couldn’t breach the city.

God: Hey, Isaiah, go talk to King Ahaz and let him know that those jerks in Aram and Ephraim aren’t going to win the war.

Ahaz: Okay.

God: You want a sign?

Ahaz: No, that’s okay.

God: You’re really pissing me off. Fine, I’ll give you a sign anyway. A young woman or virgin will give birth to a son and she will call him Immanuel. Before the kid can tell right from wrong, these armies will be broken and head home.

Me: Wait, so a child called Immanuel will be born now? And it will be a sign to King Ahaz that God is with them still? So why do we take this prophesy to mean something that happens like 800 years later?

Apologist: It’s called dual fulfillment. It means that sometimes prophesies are fulfilled more than once.

Me: Okay, and this idea comes from where? *After I do much googling to find an answer, the best I can find is “Look over there, a squirrel!”

Isaiah: God will bring on you bad times, King Ahaz. There’s going to be famine… and people will come along and shave your heads and your legs… and mean will eat curds and honey… but your vineyards are going to fail, so no more wine for you.