Category Archives: Religion

The Big Whoop Book: Chapter 5: Families


Families.

Am I right?

Goodness knows why you irritating little monkeys choose to cluster together with other irritating little monkeys so you can drive each other insane, but you do. And it’s clear from the state of things down there that you all could use a little help in how not to be an asshole to those irritating little monkeys that share strands of your DNA, but bear in mind that Big Whoop is not a therapist. Big Whoop continues, in fact, to not exist. So take everything we say on the matter with a grain of salt.

These are general guidelines and will not necessarily apply to your specific situation.

Are we good then? Celestial lawyers, are we good?

Right then.

Let’s start with parents.

Parents, listen to your children. Yes, yes, I know most of what they say is annoying and useless chatter about TV or video games or who isn’t friends with who anymore and dear God does this little monkey ever shut the hell up? Jesus Christ, why can’t I get a moment of silence so I can hear my own thoughts?! AHHHHHHHH!

But I digress. Listening to your child shows that you think they’re important and will hopefully allow you to build the sort of relationship where your child feels free to tell you anything. Even if it’s information you’d rather not know.

Also, read to them.

Hug your children.

Tell them that you love them.

Teach them to be kind.

Teach them why they should be kind. Empathy.

Discipline the little shits when you have to. But Big Whoop is not a proponent of spanking. Big Whoop doesn’t go around whacking you on the behind when you do something naughty, after all.

Don’t take your toddlers or elementary school kids to see rated R movies.

Take your screaming little monkeys outside if they refuse to be quieted.

If your child is sick, keep them home if at all possible. I realize some of you live in America and the rule of America is “Fuck you, I’ve got mine.” But do your best, okay?

Prayer is not medicine. Take your child to the doctor.

Unless there is a valid medical reason, vaccinate your children. Despite you being the product of several billion years of evolution from a single cell organism into a complex lifeform, there are still many, many single cell organisms that will fuck your shit up, yo. Give your child what advantages you can.

Spouses, realize that every little thing you do that annoys your partner will be done to you by your children and at some point, you will ask, “Wow. Am I really that much of an annoying cunt?”

Yes. Yes, you are. Deal with it and do your best to stop doing those things that irritate your partner and teach your kids to stop doing them too.

Provide for your children. If only because one day they will probably choose the old folk’s home you end up in.

Cherish the time you have with them. They’ll be out of the house sooner than you imagine.

Children, listen to your parents. They’ve lived longer. They’ve fucked up in all the ways one can fuck up and hopefully they’ve learned from it, so if you listen to them you might avoid fucking up the same way.

Give them respect if they deserve it.

Provide for them in their old age if possible.

Cherish the time you have with them. They’ll be gone sooner than you imagine.

If your parent is abusive, they have severed the relationship. Get help. If you are an adult who survived the abuse, you do not owe your parents anything.

Conversely, if your child is abusive towards you, they’re an asshole, cut them out of your life until they choose to change.

Husbands and wives, listen to your spouse. Make them feel heard. Let them know that they are important enough to you that you divert your full attention to them. Shut down the computer. Turn the phone off. Turn the volume on the TV down and make eye contact when they speak to you.

Love your spouse. Hug them. Kiss them. Leave notes for them. Bring them flowers or candy or oral sex often. This applies to men and women, Big Whoop is not selfish or sexist. Send the kids to grandma’s, and when they come home from work, greet them naked with a glass of their favorite adult beverage. Remember their birthday. Remember their favorite song. Remember their favorite restaurant. You have so many electronic devices to help you remember those things.

Look, my little monkeys. You have precious little time on this ball of dirt. Cherish one another while you’re there. And above all, be kind.

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Big Whoop Book: Chapter Four


A few more questions from the mail bag:

Who created Big Whoop?

Now that is a very good question. The answer is “it’s none of your business, seriously, you don’t see Big Whoop diving into your family tree, now do you? We’re not nearly close enough to discuss the familial relations yet, so bugger off.”

 

Why did Big Whoop create in the first place?

Do you have any idea how dull eternity is? No? Imagine your life as it is continuing on forever. You get up, eat breakfast, drive to work, listen to inane chatter from your coworkers, eat lunch, work some more, drive home, curse at other monkeys in their cars, eat dinner, watch TV, drink wine, and pass out on the couch every day forever.

So if you found a little world with its very own chemistry set, you would probably decide to play around with it too.

 

Has Big Whoop ever appeared on Earth?

Yes. As a Mr. Tim Haverdashery of Cork County, Ireland. He spent a few decades herding sheep.

 

Herding sheep?

See the aforementioned problem of boredom with eternity.

 

Do you have any advice on how not to be an asshole at work?

Oh, yes. Let’s see.

  • If you drink the last of the coffee, make some more. Seriously, it take like two minutes. Stop being an asshole, Helen.
  • If you leave two drops of coffee in the coffee pot, just so you don’t have to make more, and yes, we all know it’s you, Dwayne, you’re an asshole. Just make another pot.
  • If something in the refrigerator does not belong to you, leave it the fuck alone.
  • Unless it’s been sitting there for six months and appears to have evolved into a new form of life. Then you should try to communicate with it. If it responds, leave it be. If it does not respond, throw it out. I mean, seriously, who leaves their food in the fridge for that long anyway?
  • Refill the paper in the copier if you use the last of it.
  • Do not reheat fish in the microwave. Seriously, you will go to Big Whoop’s Timeout Corner for Naughty Monkeys for a very long time if you do this.
  • Do not burn popcorn in the microwave.
  • Don’t be a gossip.
  • Don’t talk so loudly that people on the next floor up can hear you.
  • Do not come into work hacking and sneezing and dripping your disgusting mucus everywhere. Take a sick day.
  • Do not force your salaried employees to work overtime unless it’s absolutely necessary.
  • Pay your employees a living wage.
  • Give your employees the best benefits you can afford.
  • Don’t discriminate against someone based on their skin color, ethnicity, creed, religion, sexual orientation, gender, age, or any other thing that does not impact how well they can perform their job.
  • Keep your personal space clean, keep your communal spaces clean, keep your environment clean.
  • Don’t be evil.

 

 

 

An Infidel Reads the Quran: Surah 13: Thunder


Okay, if you’re looking for proof of God’s existence, God raised up the sky with pillars you can’t see.

That’s not how Astronomy works-

Just go with it, he’s on a roll…

God spread out the Earth (sure, if he used billions of years of plate tectonics and natural geological activity…)

There’s all sorts of different fruits and vegetables that you can eat everywhere. (Billions of years of natural selection and tens of thousands of years of human agricultural development.)

It’s somehow a sign of evil to wonder if you’re really going to continue to exist after your body turns to worm food. We’re off to the fire to burn up or burn away our sins or burn forever.

People who doubt like that encourage good Muslims to do evil. (But I don’t. I’m perfectly content to let others practice their religion and believe whatever they want to believe so long as they don’t try to impose their beliefs and values on me and I welcome good conversation and friendship from anyone, even if I personally think your religious ideas are not true.)

People who don’t believe are always asking why God just doesn’t do something tangible and unquestionably supernatural to show us that He exists.

He doesn’t really answer the question. He just says God doesn’t work that way.

God doesn’t change the condition of a people until they change themselves, so how do you know it’s God and not just the hard work and industriousness of the people making their lives better?

God destroys anyone he wants to destroy. It’s arbitrary and you can’t understand it. Sometimes he does it with lightning and the thunder.

You know that Good People get nice gardens, right? And bad people go to the Bad Place?

Mohammed has this image of the sovereignty of God where he is responsible for all of the good and the evil in the world and responsible for all of the belief and disbelief in the world. So, much like Calvin’s sovereign God, God is deliberately creating sentient life capable of feeling and understanding pain and causing them pain and suffering in this life and possibly in the afterlife when he could be kind and show goodness to everyone and cause everyone to believe and enjoy good things forever.

And he is the hero of the book.

Yeah, I don’t get it either.

The Big Whoop Book: Chapter 1


Rather than continuing with the Quran today, because the thought of doing so is only slightly less attractive to me than hammering a nail through my scrotum, I thought we might take the Prophet Muhammed (PBUH) up on his challenge and write some scripture of our own.

So today, I would like to introduce you all to the one true religion.

Whoopee.

Yes, Whoopee.

Yes, it is a rather silly name. But religions are rather silly things, so it fits.

Now, this religion doesn’t require you to believe in it. It doesn’t require your money. It doesn’t require you to spend most of one day a week listening to someone in a funny costume talk about much you suck. It doesn’t even require you to give up your bacon cheeseburgers.

No, this religion requires but one thing of you. But we’ll get to that in a moment.

As with any religion, we’re going to need a deity. So you’ll be surprised and pleased, I hope, to learn that I found one. So, Ladies, Gentlemen, and those who don’t fit either of those categories, let me introduce you to God.

Say hello to Big Whoop.

As the name implies, he is sort of a big deal. Yes, Big Whoop is the Almighty. The Creator. The Lord of this reality, that reality, and the reality where all of your missing socks disappear to. There he is known by the moniker, the Big Sneaker, and your former socks pray daily to be enveloped in his stinky warmth.

First, I should clarify, when I use the word “he” to describe Big Whoop, it’s not entirely accurate. You see, I’m mostly using “he” as a simplistic convention of the English language. No, Big Whoop is not exclusively a “he”. He is both He, and not He. Both She and not She. To be honest, Big Whoop is both every gender and no gender all at the same time.

If you find that confusing, just think of how he feels when he creates an online dating profile. Fortunately, super-dimensional entities are very open and quite freaky (we’re looking at you, Zeus), so it has not hurt his social life at all.

Secondly, you should know that Big Whoop is terribly sorry for the current state of the world. You see, when he last checked in, you were all apes with slightly above average intelligence. He thought he could pop out, run a few errands, and come back without you weird little primates burning the place down. Clearly, he was wrong and he apologizes.

Yes, sometimes Big Whoop can be wrong. And when Big Whoop is wrong, like any advanced super-dimensional entity with class and morals does, Big Whoop apologizes.

We should also mention that Big Whoop is self-sufficient. Thus he does not give a whoop if you believe in him or not. He doesn’t care if you worship him or not. He finds your religions to be a bit weird, to be honest, and he sees how often you little apes beat each other with sticks because of them, so he’d actually prefer if you just leave him out of it. If you feel the need to acknowledge Big Whoop, he would prefer you send a nice little card to him around the holidays.

Well, that and that you would follow his one simple rule. Yes, finally, we arrive at our religion’s and our deity’s one command for you, little hairless monkeys, and that command, that imperative that is so very important is this:

Don’t be an asshole.

I know, right? I’ll give you a moment.

Yes, don’t be an asshole. It really is that simple.

That’s it. One rule. Not ten, not five, not two. Just one.

Big Whoop is, after all, very realistic when it comes to how much you meat critters can remember at any given moment with your brains made out of meat.

“But, Prophet Dread,” you may say, “What if I am an asshole.”

Stop it.

Then apologize to the people to which you were an asshole and make things right.

“But, Prophet Dread,” you may say, and really you shouldn’t. I’m not a prophet… I am but a simple Exalted Reverend Most High Grande Nacho Supreme Poobah.

“Wow, that’s a mouthful,” you might say, to which I reply, “That’s what she said.”

“No, no… I had another question,” you insisted. “Though it is rather impressive,” you might say in a tone you would use to humor a small toddler. “My question is, ‘how do I know if I’m being an asshole?’”

Use your common sense. You have a mind. Use it.

Oh, fine, I suppose Big Whoop and I can hang around for a bit and go over a few topics in the weeks ahead and help you understand how not to be an asshole in different situations you may face.

But if we do this, you must promise not to be an asshole about it and use our guidelines to go about beating other little monkeys with sticks because you disagree with them.

Are we understood?

Good, I would hate for you to end up in Big Whoops Time Out Corner. It’s a place for every naughty monkeys, after all.

But I suppose we’ll get into that later.

For now, my beloved brethren, go forth today and don’t be assholes.

Jesus Christ. Get the vaccine.


Sigh…

Really?

Really…?

There’s a part of me that says, “If these idiots really want to take themselves out of the gene pool, by all means, let them…”

But there’s a greater part of me that has empathy for the innocent victims that would suffer and that part is actually stronger than the asshole within, so let me just say this: VACCINATE YOURSELF AND YOUR KIDS! NEITHER JESUS, NOR HOMEOPATHY, NOR ESSENTIAL OILS, OR VOODOO MAGIC IS GOING TO PROTECT YOU FROM THE FLU! GET THE DAMNED VACCINE!

Unless you can’t because of a medical condition, there is ZERO reason for you to avoid vaccines and thousands upon thousands of tiny potentially deadly reasons for you to go get a bloody shot.

Stop using religion or quack science or bullshit as an excuse to be stupid. Your still living children will thank you one day.

“But Gloria Copeland…”

Has Gloria Copeland or Jenny fucking McCarthy gone to medical school? Have they spent their lives studying deadly infectious diseases and how to prevent them?

“But Big Pharma-”

You mean the people who spend their lives studying deadly medical conditions and how to treat them?

Yeah, the Medical system in the United States is pretty fucked up, and yes, it’s pretty fucking obscene that pharma-douche CEOs make as much money as they can off of the sick, but Jesus H. Christ, do you really think all of those scientists and chemists and biologists and doctors who work for these companies are really in on a scheme to personally fuck you over?

Go, get your fucking vaccine.

“But I still got the flu last year…”

Yeah, that happens. Evolution can be a motherfucking bitch.

Get the vaccine.

“But Jesus will protect me.”

Jesus lets people get fucking cancer. Every year. Every day. Right now, there are wards full of good Christian kids dying of fucking cancer. Now maybe, at the end, if we die and Jesus is standing there, he’ll have a really good explanation for why he lets people get fucking cancer, but there’s no denying that people get fucking cancer now regardless of what religion they belong to.

Get the vaccine.

God answers Mr. Moore


“Hi, Roy, God here. Yes. The Almighty God, creator of heaven and Earth and all that other stuff. You lost. You lost because you’re mean small man. You lost because everything you stand for is an affront to me. You see, you’re obsessed with other people’s morality and you lack your own morals. I think my Son said something about that in his Sermon on the Mount. You should probably read that.

“More than that though, you are more obsessed with what people do with their sex parts than you are with the fact that millions of poor children are about to lose their access to healthcare, that millions of young men and women have had their lives ruined because you treat addiction like a crime instead of a chronic disease that requires medical and psychological intervention.

“You worry about prayer in schools, but you don’t worry about the hungry child praying to me silently for food. You call him a freeloader. You don’t worry about the child praying that please, could they stop picking on him for one day, just one day? You tell him to toughen up. You don’t worry about the child who prays because his parents, his preacher, and you call him an abomination because he’s attracted to other boys or other girls.

“You worry about zygotes and fetuses, but you don’t worry about providing poor mothers with options or healthcare for their developing infants, you don’t worry about providing a safe space they can leave their babies and children if they have to go work, and you don’t worry about the millions of people living in hopelessness and poverty who are left behind by the very agenda you push. And you definitely don’t worry about the young unarmed black man lying in the street shot by a police officer. You call him a thug. Or the men and women who will die this year because someone will take their lives with a gun.

“Well, I hear them, Roy. I hear all of them every day. And we can argue about why I haven’t fixed it all, or you can start hearing them too and become part of the solution.

“Others hear them already and they are acting. They are tired of the injustice, they are tired of the oppression, they are tired the hatred, they are tired of the violence, and they are moving and my Spirit moves with them.

“So go home and rethink these words, “I desire mercy, not sacrifice” and “you’re straining at a gnat and swallowing a camel.” Then join those people fighting for what matters. Maybe start by apologizing to the women you hurt. What is right is not always easy, but it will be good for your soul.

“Sincerely, God”

 

An Infidel Reads the Quran: Surah 3:102-142


Honor God. If you’re not a Muslim, try not to die.

Remember how God is choosing not to set you on fire forever and be grateful to him.

Be a community of virtue, righteousness, and refraining from evil.

Don’t be like those guys who decided not to join my new religion even after I gave them clear proofs. (Like what?)

On the day of judgement, the good people will all turn white, and the bad people will become black.

God doesn’t want injustice for mankind, even though he controls everything and could end injustice. Yes, try to make sense of those two statements.

You guys are the best of humanity because you believe me, unlike those Jews and Christians who suck. But it’s mostly Jews and God’s going to make them miserable. I mean, not all Christians and Jews suck, there are a few good ones.

If you suffer evil, it’s your own fault, not God’s, even though he literally controls everything. Don’t be friends with non-Muslims that want to hurt you. That would seem applicable regardless of our respective religions, but sure.

I mean sure they say they believe in God, but they don’t believe the right way and must therefore be duplicitous snakes talking mean things about you behind your back.

Seriously, Jews and Christians suck.

Remember when we won that one battle even though we were outnumbered. This is clear proof that I speak for God and not a case of superior tactics, battlefield position, and training. Nope, it was God talking to me and three thousand invisible servants.

God chooses who to save and who to set on fire forever. Well, he sounds like a nice guys, doesn’t he?

Don’t charge interest on loans.

Obey me… and God… but mostly me since I’m the only one that God talks to, right?

Do good, when you sin, ask God for forgiveness.

If you do what is right, you get a neat garden with flowing rivers which would probably sound like heaven to someone from the deserts of the Middle East.

Lots of nations fell and they weren’t Muslims, so checkmate, unbelievers.

If you’re suffering, it’s because God wants you to and needs you to suffer so he can finally kill all the non-Muslims and set them on fire forever. God wants some people to overcome suffering so he can give them awards at a nice ceremony at the local Kiwanis club over a chicken dinner.