Category Archives: Religion

The Big Whoop Book: Chapter 1


Rather than continuing with the Quran today, because the thought of doing so is only slightly less attractive to me than hammering a nail through my scrotum, I thought we might take the Prophet Muhammed (PBUH) up on his challenge and write some scripture of our own.

So today, I would like to introduce you all to the one true religion.

Whoopee.

Yes, Whoopee.

Yes, it is a rather silly name. But religions are rather silly things, so it fits.

Now, this religion doesn’t require you to believe in it. It doesn’t require your money. It doesn’t require you to spend most of one day a week listening to someone in a funny costume talk about much you suck. It doesn’t even require you to give up your bacon cheeseburgers.

No, this religion requires but one thing of you. But we’ll get to that in a moment.

As with any religion, we’re going to need a deity. So you’ll be surprised and pleased, I hope, to learn that I found one. So, Ladies, Gentlemen, and those who don’t fit either of those categories, let me introduce you to God.

Say hello to Big Whoop.

As the name implies, he is sort of a big deal. Yes, Big Whoop is the Almighty. The Creator. The Lord of this reality, that reality, and the reality where all of your missing socks disappear to. There he is known by the moniker, the Big Sneaker, and your former socks pray daily to be enveloped in his stinky warmth.

First, I should clarify, when I use the word “he” to describe Big Whoop, it’s not entirely accurate. You see, I’m mostly using “he” as a simplistic convention of the English language. No, Big Whoop is not exclusively a “he”. He is both He, and not He. Both She and not She. To be honest, Big Whoop is both every gender and no gender all at the same time.

If you find that confusing, just think of how he feels when he creates an online dating profile. Fortunately, super-dimensional entities are very open and quite freaky (we’re looking at you, Zeus), so it has not hurt his social life at all.

Secondly, you should know that Big Whoop is terribly sorry for the current state of the world. You see, when he last checked in, you were all apes with slightly above average intelligence. He thought he could pop out, run a few errands, and come back without you weird little primates burning the place down. Clearly, he was wrong and he apologizes.

Yes, sometimes Big Whoop can be wrong. And when Big Whoop is wrong, like any advanced super-dimensional entity with class and morals does, Big Whoop apologizes.

We should also mention that Big Whoop is self-sufficient. Thus he does not give a whoop if you believe in him or not. He doesn’t care if you worship him or not. He finds your religions to be a bit weird, to be honest, and he sees how often you little apes beat each other with sticks because of them, so he’d actually prefer if you just leave him out of it. If you feel the need to acknowledge Big Whoop, he would prefer you send a nice little card to him around the holidays.

Well, that and that you would follow his one simple rule. Yes, finally, we arrive at our religion’s and our deity’s one command for you, little hairless monkeys, and that command, that imperative that is so very important is this:

Don’t be an asshole.

I know, right? I’ll give you a moment.

Yes, don’t be an asshole. It really is that simple.

That’s it. One rule. Not ten, not five, not two. Just one.

Big Whoop is, after all, very realistic when it comes to how much you meat critters can remember at any given moment with your brains made out of meat.

“But, Prophet Dread,” you may say, “What if I am an asshole.”

Stop it.

Then apologize to the people to which you were an asshole and make things right.

“But, Prophet Dread,” you may say, and really you shouldn’t. I’m not a prophet… I am but a simple Exalted Reverend Most High Grande Nacho Supreme Poobah.

“Wow, that’s a mouthful,” you might say, to which I reply, “That’s what she said.”

“No, no… I had another question,” you insisted. “Though it is rather impressive,” you might say in a tone you would use to humor a small toddler. “My question is, ‘how do I know if I’m being an asshole?’”

Use your common sense. You have a mind. Use it.

Oh, fine, I suppose Big Whoop and I can hang around for a bit and go over a few topics in the weeks ahead and help you understand how not to be an asshole in different situations you may face.

But if we do this, you must promise not to be an asshole about it and use our guidelines to go about beating other little monkeys with sticks because you disagree with them.

Are we understood?

Good, I would hate for you to end up in Big Whoops Time Out Corner. It’s a place for every naughty monkeys, after all.

But I suppose we’ll get into that later.

For now, my beloved brethren, go forth today and don’t be assholes.

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Jesus Christ. Get the vaccine.


Sigh…

Really?

Really…?

There’s a part of me that says, “If these idiots really want to take themselves out of the gene pool, by all means, let them…”

But there’s a greater part of me that has empathy for the innocent victims that would suffer and that part is actually stronger than the asshole within, so let me just say this: VACCINATE YOURSELF AND YOUR KIDS! NEITHER JESUS, NOR HOMEOPATHY, NOR ESSENTIAL OILS, OR VOODOO MAGIC IS GOING TO PROTECT YOU FROM THE FLU! GET THE DAMNED VACCINE!

Unless you can’t because of a medical condition, there is ZERO reason for you to avoid vaccines and thousands upon thousands of tiny potentially deadly reasons for you to go get a bloody shot.

Stop using religion or quack science or bullshit as an excuse to be stupid. Your still living children will thank you one day.

“But Gloria Copeland…”

Has Gloria Copeland or Jenny fucking McCarthy gone to medical school? Have they spent their lives studying deadly infectious diseases and how to prevent them?

“But Big Pharma-”

You mean the people who spend their lives studying deadly medical conditions and how to treat them?

Yeah, the Medical system in the United States is pretty fucked up, and yes, it’s pretty fucking obscene that pharma-douche CEOs make as much money as they can off of the sick, but Jesus H. Christ, do you really think all of those scientists and chemists and biologists and doctors who work for these companies are really in on a scheme to personally fuck you over?

Go, get your fucking vaccine.

“But I still got the flu last year…”

Yeah, that happens. Evolution can be a motherfucking bitch.

Get the vaccine.

“But Jesus will protect me.”

Jesus lets people get fucking cancer. Every year. Every day. Right now, there are wards full of good Christian kids dying of fucking cancer. Now maybe, at the end, if we die and Jesus is standing there, he’ll have a really good explanation for why he lets people get fucking cancer, but there’s no denying that people get fucking cancer now regardless of what religion they belong to.

Get the vaccine.

God answers Mr. Moore


“Hi, Roy, God here. Yes. The Almighty God, creator of heaven and Earth and all that other stuff. You lost. You lost because you’re mean small man. You lost because everything you stand for is an affront to me. You see, you’re obsessed with other people’s morality and you lack your own morals. I think my Son said something about that in his Sermon on the Mount. You should probably read that.

“More than that though, you are more obsessed with what people do with their sex parts than you are with the fact that millions of poor children are about to lose their access to healthcare, that millions of young men and women have had their lives ruined because you treat addiction like a crime instead of a chronic disease that requires medical and psychological intervention.

“You worry about prayer in schools, but you don’t worry about the hungry child praying to me silently for food. You call him a freeloader. You don’t worry about the child praying that please, could they stop picking on him for one day, just one day? You tell him to toughen up. You don’t worry about the child who prays because his parents, his preacher, and you call him an abomination because he’s attracted to other boys or other girls.

“You worry about zygotes and fetuses, but you don’t worry about providing poor mothers with options or healthcare for their developing infants, you don’t worry about providing a safe space they can leave their babies and children if they have to go work, and you don’t worry about the millions of people living in hopelessness and poverty who are left behind by the very agenda you push. And you definitely don’t worry about the young unarmed black man lying in the street shot by a police officer. You call him a thug. Or the men and women who will die this year because someone will take their lives with a gun.

“Well, I hear them, Roy. I hear all of them every day. And we can argue about why I haven’t fixed it all, or you can start hearing them too and become part of the solution.

“Others hear them already and they are acting. They are tired of the injustice, they are tired of the oppression, they are tired the hatred, they are tired of the violence, and they are moving and my Spirit moves with them.

“So go home and rethink these words, “I desire mercy, not sacrifice” and “you’re straining at a gnat and swallowing a camel.” Then join those people fighting for what matters. Maybe start by apologizing to the women you hurt. What is right is not always easy, but it will be good for your soul.

“Sincerely, God”

 

An Infidel Reads the Quran: Surah 3:102-142


Honor God. If you’re not a Muslim, try not to die.

Remember how God is choosing not to set you on fire forever and be grateful to him.

Be a community of virtue, righteousness, and refraining from evil.

Don’t be like those guys who decided not to join my new religion even after I gave them clear proofs. (Like what?)

On the day of judgement, the good people will all turn white, and the bad people will become black.

God doesn’t want injustice for mankind, even though he controls everything and could end injustice. Yes, try to make sense of those two statements.

You guys are the best of humanity because you believe me, unlike those Jews and Christians who suck. But it’s mostly Jews and God’s going to make them miserable. I mean, not all Christians and Jews suck, there are a few good ones.

If you suffer evil, it’s your own fault, not God’s, even though he literally controls everything. Don’t be friends with non-Muslims that want to hurt you. That would seem applicable regardless of our respective religions, but sure.

I mean sure they say they believe in God, but they don’t believe the right way and must therefore be duplicitous snakes talking mean things about you behind your back.

Seriously, Jews and Christians suck.

Remember when we won that one battle even though we were outnumbered. This is clear proof that I speak for God and not a case of superior tactics, battlefield position, and training. Nope, it was God talking to me and three thousand invisible servants.

God chooses who to save and who to set on fire forever. Well, he sounds like a nice guys, doesn’t he?

Don’t charge interest on loans.

Obey me… and God… but mostly me since I’m the only one that God talks to, right?

Do good, when you sin, ask God for forgiveness.

If you do what is right, you get a neat garden with flowing rivers which would probably sound like heaven to someone from the deserts of the Middle East.

Lots of nations fell and they weren’t Muslims, so checkmate, unbelievers.

If you’re suffering, it’s because God wants you to and needs you to suffer so he can finally kill all the non-Muslims and set them on fire forever. God wants some people to overcome suffering so he can give them awards at a nice ceremony at the local Kiwanis club over a chicken dinner.

An Infidel Reads the Quran: Surah 3:28-61


Okay, let’s see what else Mohammed has to say…

You’re not supposed to make non-Muslim friends. God does not like this at all, but he’ll give you a pass if you do it because you’re afraid of them. This is funny because the next verse says God is powerful over everything, so why would you ever be afraid of a non-Muslim? Couldn’t God just stop them if they intended to hurt you?

Judgment Day is coming.

If you love God, then you have to follow Islam. It’s the only possible conclusion aside from all of the other religions that say the same thing.

God chose Adam… well… He didn’t really have much choice there. I mean, if there was a literal Adam, he was the only person on Earth. And Noah and Abraham and Imran… Imran? Gotta look this one up. Ah, okay, that’s what Islam calls Mary’s dad.

Mary’s mom apparently dedicates her soon to be born baby to the Lord and is shocked to find out it’s a girl. Because you know girls are different than boys. That’s what the text says. Girls are different than boys. She gets the name Mary and gives her up to God to protect her and her descendants from the devil.

Mary apparently hangs around the Temple with Zachariah. And she’s always got provision… is this food? A baby? I have no idea. Let’s go with food. Mary’s always got something to eat and Zachariah says, “Hey, since you’re in pretty tight with God, why don’t you ask him to give me a son?”

So an angel shows up and says, “You’re going to have a son, John the Baptist.”

“How will I know? I need a sign.”

Mohammed messes up the story here. The angel says he’ll be silent for three days. The original story from the gospel of Luke is that Zach was silent until after the baby was born.

Then some angels pop up and tell Mary that God really likes her and she’ll bear the Messiah Jesus who is pretty good and almost the best prophet aside from the person dictating this. Mary objects since she’s a virgin, but God can magic up a baby without sex.

Jesus is going to teach the people the Old and New Testaments. He’s going to make a clay bird and bring it to life. And do some of the stuff he did in the gospels like healing people and raising the dead. Jesus also says he’s going to change some of God’s laws in the Torah, which goes against the gospel of Matthew where Jesus said he didn’t come to abolish the law and that not one stroke of the letter of the law would pass away.

Jesus gathers disciples, then God says, “You know, Jesus, I’m going to kill you and bring you up here with me so you don’t have to deal with unbelievers anymore who I am totally going to set on fire forever.”

But Jesus was totally just a man like Adam.

But if any Christians want to argue with you about that, you’re supposed to tell them, “Okay, gather all of your family and I’ll gather my family and we’ll call down the curse of God upon the one of us who is wrong.”

And then presumably you’d all stand around awkwardly for a while as nothing happened.

“So… uh… now what?”

“I don’t know… uh…. I guess we fight?”

“I say God is Love!” yelled the Christian as he brought down his sword.

“I say God is Merciful!” yelled the Muslim as he brought down his sword.

Repeat that for the next 1,200 years and you’ve pretty much got the history of the Middle East and Europe except occasionally Christians would kill other Christians for being the wrong kind of Christian and Muslims would kill other Muslims for being the wrong kind of Muslim.

Isn’t humanity great, folks?

 

The Great Cosmic Prank


So, okay, there’s this God. There’s this God and he’s sitting in a great void, so he says, “Let there be light.” Big bang happens. Particles and shit go everywhere. So this God, right? Still alone in a big pile of particle shit. But he’s literally got all eternity to wait and work, so eventually all of those particles come together to form the first stars, then planets. So He’s sitting in a nearly infinite universe He’s just created with billions and billions of galaxies each full of billions and billions of stars and planets. Like almost infinite diversity in the universe already.

So this God whether by design or through the natural course of the events He set in motion picks a planet or maybe more, who knows, right? And says, “Let there be life.” A few little proteins coalesce and form a few rudimentary living things. Microscopic life. And they multiply and they mutate and soon… well, soon, on a galactic scale, there’s trillions of the little things floating around, but they don’t look like the first living things anymore. All of that reproduction and mutation has caused significant little changes here and there. Some were good, some were bad. But now we have a lot of microscopic bio-diversity.

And soon (again, cosmically speaking) we’ve got some of these microscopic cells that sort of develop into more complex critters and then more branch out and develop into more complex creatures and soon we have an ocean full of life and millions of distinct animals. Some of which start to crawl or flop about on land, and boom… land animals.

Amphibians, lizards, insects, dinosaurs, meteors, mammals, monkeys, primates, and then some primates give birth to a baby primate that has something… that spark of self-awareness and intelligence that sets him or her above their ancestors. Human beings develop and spread. It’s a rough go at first, but soon there are millions of us wandering about the Earth building civilizations, asking questions, each one of us unique and individual. Millions becomes hundreds of millions.

So then God, right? Remember him? God sitting in an infinite universe of infinite stars and near infinite planets looks down at one world where there is uncountable diversity of life and hundreds of millions of homo sapiens each unique and individual and then God looks down and shouts at the hundreds of millions of homo sapiens on one tiny rock orbiting one star in this infinite universe and this God shouts,  “HEY! You guys have to all fit into exactly two categories and it depends on your dangly bits or lack thereof.”

Best fucking joke in the universe, right?

The TL:DR Bible: Matthew 9-10


Chapter 9:

Jesus goes back to Capernaum and they bring a paralyzed man to him.

Jesus: “It’s cool, Bro, your sins are forgiven.”

Scribes: “Whoa, there, Blasphemer.”

Jesus: “Dudes, I could have told the guy to get up and walk-“

Paralyzed Man: “I kind of wish you had.”

Jesus: “But so you guys know I can forgive sins too, you, get up and walk.”

Ex-paralyzed man: “Sweet.”

Jesus leaves and sees Matthew at the Tax Collector’s booth. “Come on, Dude,” he says. Matthew closes up shop and leaves with Jesus. Matt throws a big party for all of his friends: other tax collectors and sinners.

Pharisees: Why are you hanging out with them?

Jesus: Everyone needs love, man. Especially the outcasts and sinners. Don’t be so religious, man. Be compassionate.

Disciples of John: Hey, how come you guys don’t fast?

Jesus: Because I’m here. When I leave, they’ll fast.

Jairus: My daughter’s dead. Come and bring her back to life.

Jesus: Okay.

A woman grabs his cloak to be healed.

Jesus: It’s cool. You’re healed.

They arrive at Jairus’ house. Jesus brings the little girl back to life.

Jesus heals some blind men and asks that they keep it to themselves, which seems odd because bringing a little girl back to life seems like he’d already be pretty famous.

Jesus casts out demons. Jesus spends his days teaching and healing people. But there are so many people out there, He wishes He could have some help.

 

Chapter 10:

Meet the twelve apostles. Most of them aren’t important to the stories.

Jesus: Go take my message to the people. But only the Jews. No Gentiles or half-breeds. Tell them the kingdom is coming. Heal people, raise the dead, cast out demons. Don’t bother taking anything with you, the people will support you. And if they don’t, God will get them.

This next passage sounds like it was adapted later after Jesus’ death.

“You guys will be like fat juicy lambs in a pack of wolves. They’re going to arrest you and whip you and you’ll be brought before kings and governors. Don’t worry about what you’ll say. The Spirit of God will talk through you.”

“You’ll be betrayed by family and sent to death. Everyone will hate you, but continue the mission. You won’t finish preaching to all the towns of Israel before I come back.”

They did finish. They went to the uttermost parts of the Earth.

“You’ll be treated like I’m treated. Badly. But don’t be afraid of them. Be afraid of God who can burn you forever in hell. He’s watching you. Over you, I mean. He’s watching over you.

“I didn’t come to bring peace, but to divide families and friends.”

But the angels said, “Peace on Earth…”

“Who are you going to believe? Me or some random angel? Anyway, if you love your family more than Me, you’re not worthy to be My disciple. But if anyone receives you, they will be rewarded. Now who’s ready to go out there and get some persecution!”

Disciples: You know… uh… I just remembered… we have a thing… Peter? Didn’t you say we had a thing with the… nets…? But you know… after that. Totally on board with the persecution thing. Yea, persecution! Just let’s go do the thing first….