Category Archives: Theology

The TL:DR Bible: Isaiah 5-7


Chapter 5:

God: So you guys are a like a vineyard that I planted and built up and toiled in expecting good fruit, but you’ve only produced crap. I wanted justice and righteousness from you, but all I find is bloodshed and the cries of the oppressed.

So I’m going to let others destroy your nation.

Woe unto the greedy and the rich who accumulate more and more. I’m going to cause you to lose money. Woe unto the revelers and drunkards. I’m going to send you into exile. Many of you will die. Your country’s beauty will be destroyed. Her people will be abased. Foreigners will eat in the fields that belonged to the rich.

Woe unto the mockers of God, the false prophets, the proud, the drinking champions, and the corrupt. It will soon be as if they were consumed with fire. God has already begun striking our land and he will not stop.

He will call on another land to come and invade us.

 

Chapter 6:

After King Uzziah died, I had a vision of God. God was seated on a throne. Six winged angels flew around him, covering their faces and feet and crying out about His holiness and glory. The temple shook at their voices and filled with smoke.

I said, “I’m screwed. I’m a mortal man, a sinner, and I’ve seen God.”

So one of the angels took a burning coal from the altar and seared my lips. “You’re good now.”

God: I need a messenger. Who will go talk to the people for me?

Isaiah: Uh… why do you need a messenger?

God: What?

Isaiah: Well, you’re God. The Big Kahuna. The Supreme Deity. You can do anything. Couldn’t you just talk to everyone in Judah the way you’re talking to me now? I’m pretty sure if they saw you and your glory and six winged angels, they would probably stop with the whole Ba’al worship stuff.

God: Uh… yeah… but I’ve… uh… I’ve got a thing. Why don’t you go instead?

Isaiah: Uh… okay, but I’m just a guy… you’re God… anyway, I’ve got things of my own, how long will this last?

God: Oh, you know, just until no one listens to you, I get angrier and I lay wasted to your nation.

 

Chapter 7:

So in the days of the evil king Ahaz, the Arameans come and attack Jerusalem, but couldn’t breach the city.

God: Hey, Isaiah, go talk to King Ahaz and let him know that those jerks in Aram and Ephraim aren’t going to win the war.

Ahaz: Okay.

God: You want a sign?

Ahaz: No, that’s okay.

God: You’re really pissing me off. Fine, I’ll give you a sign anyway. A young woman or virgin will give birth to a son and she will call him Immanuel. Before the kid can tell right from wrong, these armies will be broken and head home.

Me: Wait, so a child called Immanuel will be born now? And it will be a sign to King Ahaz that God is with them still? So why do we take this prophesy to mean something that happens like 800 years later?

Apologist: It’s called dual fulfillment. It means that sometimes prophesies are fulfilled more than once.

Me: Okay, and this idea comes from where? *After I do much googling to find an answer, the best I can find is “Look over there, a squirrel!”

Isaiah: God will bring on you bad times, King Ahaz. There’s going to be famine… and people will come along and shave your heads and your legs… and mean will eat curds and honey… but your vineyards are going to fail, so no more wine for you.

The TL:DR Bible: Isaiah 2-4


Chapter 2:

In the last days, Judah and Jerusalem will be established as the preeminent nation in the world. All of the world will come to Jerusalem to learn about God and His laws. God will be the ruler of the world, and war will cease.

God has abandoned Judah because we adopted cultures from the east, fake psychics are everywhere, we’re rich, and we worship the wrong gods.

But God will bring about a day of reckoning and will bring down the proud. God will abolish the idols and the people will look to caves to hide themselves from God’s wrath.

 

Chapter 3:

God is coming to remove all of the best things from Judah and Jerusalem, including food, water, warriors, judges, prophets, officers, artisans, and wise men. The people will appoint fools to lead them and unqualified people just because they have a little bit more.

This will come because Judah has sinned against the Lord. But the righteous will be okay. The wicked will suffer.

God speaks to the political leaders, “You have stolen and devoured everything. The plunder of the poor is in your houses! Why are you oppressing the poor?”

God apparently doesn’t like that the women of Zion dress nicely and wear makeup, so he’s going to uncover their heads and give them scabs, strip them of everything and march them off into captivity to presumably be raped and enslaved.

But the men, God will kill in battle.

 

Chapter 4:

And then women will flock to any surviving man, even a poor man, and beg to marry him so they won’t be ashamed any longer.

And then God will restore Israel and wash away their sins and manifest himself in Judah as a cloud by day and fire by night.

Needless to say, it’s been about 2700 years now, so I’m wondering when the statute of limitations is up on this last prophesy and we can admit that Isaiah was a bit off. Is there ever a point where we can honestly say, “Yeah, it’s been a while, probably too long, this isn’t likely to happen?”

I mean, it seems like if your prophesies are going to be meaningful to the people you’re speaking to, they should probably happen within their lifetimes.

The TL:DR Bible: Isaiah 1


Chapter 1:

The visions of Isaiah:

God: I have raised up a people, but they rebel against me. Even beasts recognize their owner, but my people don’t know me. They have abandoned me.

Where can I strike you again to make you listen? You’re entire body is covered in welts and bruises. Your country is desolate. If I didn’t preserve some of you, you would have ended up like Sodom and Gomorrah.

Why are you coming to religious services? I’ve had enough of your pointless singing, praying, and tithing. I hate religion without justice and mercy for the poor. Your worship is an abomination, because your hands are covered in blood.

Repent. Cease doing evil. Learn to do good. Seek justice, bring down the oppressors, defend the defenseless and the stranger. Come and reason with me. Your sins will be washed away. If you obey, you will prosper. If you rebel, you will die.

The faithful city has become corrupt, filled with violence, bribery, and oppression. So I will turn against you in the day of my wrath. I will restore my city by purging the evil from it. And in those days, you will be ashamed of the evil you have chosen.

The TL:DR Bible: Song of Solomon 8


Chapter 8:

Just a reminder… this is the bible, folks.

Woman: I wish you were my brother, who nursed at my mother’s breasts, so I could kiss you in public and lead you into my mom’s house and let you drink from the juice of my pomegranates and you could finger me.

Wow… Calling Dr. Freud. Dr. Sigmund Freud, please report to room 103. It is an emergency.

Man: Don’t wake up my lover. She’s had a long night.

Chorus: Who is this woman walking with her lover?

Man: I awakened you beneath the apple tree.

This is a metaphor again, right?

Man: Your mom was in labor with you and gave birth to you there.

Seriously, Dr. Freud. This couple has some serious issues.

Man: My love for you is so strong, I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

Woman’s brothers: We have a little sister. It’s up to us to control her sexuality. If she’s a good girl and listens to us, we’ll honor her, otherwise we’ll lock her in a dungeon for being a slut.

Woman: I was a good girl. Attended all the purity balls. Wore the purity ring. How do you know? Because I have a LOT of freaky issues about sex. Seriously… A LOT. Have you read the last seven chapters? It would make Larry Flynt say that I should probably get some help.

The TL:DR Bible: Song of Solomon 5-7


Chapter 5:

Man: I’m come into my garden, my sister wife.

Well, those roses were pretty hot.

Man: I’ve eaten my honeycomb and drunk my wine with milk.

Sol knows a few things about keeping his partners happy. It’s oral.

Woman: I was sleeping, but Sol woke me up for a booty call. Seriously, Sol, I’m naked and in bed and you want me to get up and let you in?

Woman: My beloved put his hand by the hole in the door.

Is that a metaphor? I think it might be a metaphor.

Woman: And my bowels were moved for him.

I wasn’t expecting things to get German freaky, but tell us more.

Woman: I got up to get the door, but Sol was gone. So I went out to find him and the cops punched me and stole my hat. So chorus girls, if you hear about Sol, tell him I’m totally DTF now.

Chorus: What’s so special about this guy? Other than that he’s the king, fabulously wealthy, and knows his way around the clitoris? You know, other than those things?

Woman: He’s super-hot and he’s packing a cedar of Lebanon, if you get my drift.

 

Chapter 6:

Chorus: Where did your lover go?

Woman: Down. Again.

Men: You’re hot. Like your hair is a flock of goats hot and seriously, I’m totally happy that I’ve found a woman in the Bronze Age with all of her teeth. Seriously, Baby, those thousand other women mean nothing to me. You’re the one… at least until I find another 13 or 14 year-old virgin that looks pretty hot.

I’m not sure who’s speaking, but it looks like someone goes down to the orchard of nut trees, so maybe it’s a mutual dining experience.

And then the girl goes home.

 

Chapter 7:

Man: You have nice feet.

Because we haven’t quite hit every fetish yet.

Man: Your boobs are like two baby deer.

And there’s the Bambi fetish again.

Woman: I’m yours and you are mine.

Man: Let’s go have another sex trip and try everything everywhere at every time of day.

Woman: I’ve been reading on the Internet, so I’ve learned a few new things we can practice in addition to the usual incest, deer, feet, bowel fetishes we’ve already covered.

The TL:DR Bible: Song of Solomon 4


Pillow talk ensues…

Chapter 4:

Man: God, girl, you are so hot. Your eyes are like doves. Your hair is like a flock of goats. You’ve got all your teeth. Your lips are red. Your temples are like… pomegranates… uh… your neck is like a tower of a castle…built out of rocks… where they hang a thousand shields. Your boobs are like baby deer…I am totally going to play with them.

So… feeling hot yet, ladies?

Man: You’re just so hot, girl… I want you to come with me… from Lebanon… up the summit of Amana… from the dens of lions…

He’s talking about fucking, right? I think he’s talking about fucking…

Man: You make my heart beat faster, my sister…

Eww… Solomon into some freaky stuff, man….

Man: Sex with you is better than drinking. Your lips drip honey and milk…

That’s not honey…

Man: And you smell like Lebanon.

Hot? Sweaty? Like a desert? Hummus? Falalfel?

Man: My sister bride is like my personal garden where I can go in and enjoy her fruits.

Solomon was definitely a cunning linguist.

Man: I totally want to smell your genitals and go down on you.

And I’m guessing he wants you to call him your brother while he’s doing it.

 

 

 

The TL:DR Bible: Song of Solomon 1-3


Oh, yeah… bible porn.. bow chicka bow wow…

 

Chapter 1:

Woman: I want be making out with him. He smells hot. Let’s run to your bedroom now.

Chorus: Hey, good for you, Honey, getting a little something something.

Woman: I’m a poor girl from a poor family, don’t look down on me for that. My brothers forced me to work the fields to keep me from boning dudes.

Man: You’re so hot. You’re hotter than Pharaoh’s horses, Baby.

Me: Wow… pickup lines have changed a lot in 3,000 years.

Chorus: We’ll make you some jewelry…

Woman: My nard gave forth its fragrance.

Me: Good night, everybody!

Woman: My lover smells amazing as he lies on top of me.

Man: You’re so f***ing hot. Your eyes are amazing.

Woman: You’re amazingly hot too and the sex is bloody awesome.

 

Chapter 2:

Woman: I’m like a rose in the desert.

Man: You’re like a lily among the weeds compared to all the other thousand women in my life, Baby.

Woman: Wait… what other thousand women?

Woman: My love is hung like an apple tree. I sat with him and tasted his fruit. Let’s spend forever here just screwing like bunnies because I really, really want you. His left hand is under my head, and his right hand embraces me… and by embraces me, I mean, the man knows his way around the female genitalia.

Me: Probably had a lot of practice with the thousand other wives.

Woman: My lover is coming. He peaks through my window. He calls to me. “Come with me,” he says. “I’m horny.” Okay, he said it more poetically than that, but that’s the gist of it.

My lover grazes among the lilies.

Translation: Solomon liked to go down on the girl. Baptist Jesus is not going to be happy about that.

Baptist Jesus: I’m not. There’s only one acceptable way to have sex: missionary position only for procreation purposes and you have to feel really, really guilty about it afterwards.

 

Chapter 3:

Woman: I woke up in my bed, but my lover was gone. I searched the house for him, but couldn’t find him, so I went outside and looked for him in the neighborhood. I asked a cop if he had seen my lover. He hadn’t. But I found him not far away. I embraced him and held him and would not let go until we returned to my mother’s house, to the bedroom where my mother and father… conceived me…

Me: Okay, girl’s a bit freaky.

Woman: Solomon showed up for the wedding with an entourage and a lot of pomp and circumstances.

Me: Given how many weddings he’s had before, dude could probably plan out a good wedding in his sleep.