Category Archives: Theology

An Infidel Reads the Quran: Surahs 62-64

Surah 62: Friday

Mohammed begins, as he always does, by calling God merciful and gracious.

Right before he unloads the anti-Semitism, calls the Jews unclean donkeys, and promises them death.

Then he pivots and says, “Hey, Muslims, when it’s time to pray, it’s better if you go ahead and pray. Then when prayer is over, you can all go home and enjoy life… as much as you can enjoy life in a fundamentalist Islamic theocracy, of course.”

“But God is cooler than the latest Marvel movie, yo,” he finished.

Nailed it, he thought. Another Surah done for my book!


Surah 63: The Hypocrites

There sure are a bunch of religious hypocrites out there. God’s going to torture them with fire forever.


Surah 64: Gathering

God made all and He knows all.

God is burning all of the unbelievers before you in eternal fire.

They say there is no resurrection, but you answer with, “Yes, there is!” That’ll show ‘em.

One day, God’s ultimate judgment will come and the merciful one will throw people into eternal hellfire.

Everything bad that happens is because God wants it to.

Obey Mohammed unquestioningly.

Your family and stuff are just tests from God. God, who knows everything.

If you give me, Mohammed, money, God will repay you tenfold AND forgive your sins.


An Infidel Reads the Quran: Surah 60-61

Surah 60: The Woman Tested

Hey, guys, don’t maintain relationships with unbelievers. You can’t be with me and with them. If you’re still hanging out with or maintaining a relationship with unbelievers, you’re sinning.

Besides, God will totally throw you or your kids or your parents into ETERNAL hellfire for not believing in the right religion and you can’t save one another.

Remember when Abraham said to his people, “Yeah, because you guys worship gods along with Yahweh, we hate you all. Go **** yourselves until you agree with me about religion.”

But Abraham prayed for his dad, even though he was helpless to prevent God from sending his dad to ETERNAL HELLFIRE if his dad didn’t convert.

But, you know, you can be friends with unbelievers if they haven’t fought with you about religion.

Regarding women who come and want to join our merry band of religious fanatics, if they believe, test them. If they pass your test, they can stay and marry into your family. You still have to pay them their dowry.

If your wife decides living in a desert warband isn’t for her and leaves, why don’t you donate the dowry that unfortunate guy paid for the wench if you feel like it.

And ladies, I am totally willing to ‘pray’ for you if you come running to us wanting to be a part of our religion.

But seriously, don’t hang out with unbelievers.


Surah 61: Column

Everything praises God.

Don’t say you’re going to do something and don’t do it.

God loves people who go around killing their fellow man for God.

Moses said, “Why are you guys hurting me? You know I’m God’s messenger to you.”

And everyone was like, “Oh, okay.”

And Jesus said, “I’m a messenger too. And I’m here to tell you that this other supercool, really awesome guy named Mohammed is coming to be like the most awesomest messenger of God ever!”

I’m going to need a scripture reference for that one, Mohammed.

Mohammed unironically says that the worst thing you can do is attribute lies to God.

And God really wants you to join Mohammed, travel the desert, meet interesting people and kill them. Then you’ll get to go to your awesome little God garden when you die.

And Mohammed invents more stuff for Jesus to say that magically confirms what Mohammed is saying.

An Infidel Reads the Quran: Surahs 58-59

Surah 58: The Argument

There’s a situation with a woman complaining about her husband’s treatment of her.

If a guy says to his wife, “Yeah, I can’t touch you, you’re as forbidden as my mother to me” he’s being a dick. But God will forgive. So you know divorce away, I guess.

But if you say, “You’re like my mother” and then decide you don’t really want a divorce, you have to free a slave or fast two months or feed sixty poor people a meal before you can have sex with your wife again.

Seriously, you guys who don’t listen to me are big mean jerks and God will show you. Na na. Na Na Nanny Nanny Boo Boo.

If you guys hang out in secret, don’t talk about bad stuff.

Conspiracies are from the devil, but he can’t harm you, unless God lets him. Which is super comforting until you remember the story of Job.

When you’re told to make room, move over. Don’t be a dick.

When you’re told to go home, go home.

When you try to come and talk to me, maybe give the Prophet a little something something, you know? Propheting isn’t cheap.

If you make friends with unbelievers, you’re going to hell.


Surah 59: The Mobilization

You’re entire purpose in life is to tell God how awesome He is. He’s very insecure, you know.

God was the one who destroyed all of those unbelievers whose cities we attacked. You didn’t think we could do it, but we did.

There is no free will.

Which means God tortures people with eternal hell fire for the hell of it. God is merciful.

Let’s see… Mohammed smack talks the people he’s trying to kill for a few verses. They suck. They’re hypocrites. They’re cowards. They’re going to hell.

God could have just plopped this book down on a mountain, but then it would have shaken and crumbled away before him. You might think God could stop that, but no.

And Mohammed wraps up with a few verses telling God how great He is because He’s been a little depressed lately and needs the pep talk.

An Infidel Reads the Quran: Surah 57: Iron

God is like a super big deal. Just really, really important. The Big Cheese, as it were.

Believe me about God. He’s super huge. Also believe me.

You don’t believe me? What is wrong with you?

It’s super clear that God is talking to me and giving me a message to pass along to you.

How? Shut up.

Why doesn’t he just talk to you too? Also, shut up.

Why aren’t you out there waging war for God?

God will totally pay you guys back. Double, I say!

If you guys don’t go wage for me… I mean God, on judgement day, you’re going to be shut out of the garden.

This life means nothing. It’s not important. It’s after you die that is the most important. This is a great message!

God gave you iron so you could go to war for me… I mean, Him.

An Infidel Reads the Quran: Surahs 55-56

Surah 55: The Compassionate

God created everything and totally wrote this repetitive book.

Don’t be corrupt in your business.

Why are you unbelievers when you’ve got animals and stuff all around you?

Mostly the evidence for evolution. The universe does not need the sort of personal creator God that Islam, Christianity, and Judaism (and many pagan religions) suggest.

God made man from clay. (No mention of holy sperm this time.)

And God made genies out of fused fire.

God is the Lord of the Two Easts and the Lord of the Two Wests…

Yeah… okay…Two easts and two wests…

Googles… Islamic scholars think this means sunrises and sunsets in summer and winter. I see Islamic scholars are just as adept as Christian scholars in trying to make sense out of holy books.

God made fresh water and salt water and they don’t mix.

Yes, they do, it’s called brackish water.

What about boats floating? Surely that is God.

There’s an entire science behind shipbuilding: buoyancy, water displacement, balance. Floating stuff in water is not magic.

God is up in heaven micromanaging everything.

And we wrap it up with Mohammed’s very favorite story of how everyone who ever doubted him will wind up burning in hell forever while all of the faithful who followed him will get to go to gardens with great furniture, fruits of every kind, and hot virgin girls serving you forever.


Surah 56: The Inevitable

Judgment Day is a’comin’.

You faithful get to go to a garden. The patio furniture is awesome. There are hot nubile young folks serving you fizzy drinks that don’t get you drunk or give you a headache. And there are plates of fruit and roast birds (I guess it’s not heaven for the birds.)  And there are lovely “companions.”

And never is heard, a discouragin’ word.

And virgins that God made special for those in the garden. And raised mattresses. I guess so no one can see what you’re doing with those virgins.

But all of the wicked get a searing wind and boiling water.

So… Detroit?

And smoke everywhere.

It’s Detroit, isn’t it?

We’re going to eat from poisoned trees.

It’s totally Detroit.

God created us. Have we seen what we ejaculate?

Yes. I mean… I have to, otherwise it ends up everywhere instead of in a tissue.

And God lectures us skeptics about how God could make our food rotten and give us salt water to drink, but he doesn’t do so for reasons.

And no one can understand the Quran except the purified. Which sort of makes it a rather poor book. If I have to believe the book before I can understand the book, it doesn’t exactly facilitate belief. Wouldn’t a book that explained why it should be believed with the requisite proof required to believe it be a better thing to give mankind?

Anyway, we’re back to good Muslims go to nice gardens when they die, and everyone else goes to Detroit.

An Infidel Reads the Quran: Surahs 50-51

Surah 50: Qaf


*cough cough*

People thought it was strange that this guy showed up saying he’s on a mission from God. They found his message that they needed to obey him without question and pray 5 times a day so that God would give them a garden when they die a bit farfetched.

“But,” the man said, “Look at the sky! God made that and there aren’t any cracks in it! That must be proof!”


“But,” the man protested, “What of rain? And… and agriculture!”

“Rain is a part of the water cycle,” they said. “And do you know how long it took humanity to figure out agriculture? It was like tens of thousands of years, man. But we did that, not God.”

“What about all the others who didn’t listen and they’re dead now, huh?” the man said.

“People, cities, and civilizations all die.”

“Well… you’re going to hell!” the man said. “With fire and brimstone and boiling water to drink and then you’ll be sorry. You’ll say, “Oh, Mohammed, you’re so handsome and striking and smart and we should have listened to you,” but then it’ll be too late.”

“Uh… sure…”

“But the pious who did obey me unquestioningly get a nice garden! HA! Checkmate, unbelievers! Also God says that even though you have to obey me without question that I am NOT a dictator. So there. PHPPPT.”


Surah 51: The Spreaders

The spreaders spread and some people carry loads…

Oh my!

Heaven… hell… yada yada yada

Hey, you guys remember the story of Abraham’s guests? How they were really angels (and God himself in the Torah’s version) sent to judge Sodom and how they only found Lot’s family which was definitely Muslim. Yeah… Lot was a Muslim. Like 3000 or 4000 years before Islam was started.

Anyway, the angels saved him and then he went on to fuck his daughters and St. Peter called him a righteous man. Child services has removed Peter’s daughters from his home as a precautionary measure.

Have you guys hear about Moses?


Aad. Thamood. Noah.

Mohammed really enjoys telling these stories of how God just straight up murders a bunch of people.

Also, God wants genies and humans to worship him because he has really low self-esteem, I guess.

An Infidel Reads the Quran: Surahs 48-49

Surah 48: Victory

The occasion of this surah is that Mohammed has just won a victory in battle, so this is his chance to say, “Hey, guys, see? See? I am the messenger of God and if you stick with me, you all get gardens in heaven when you die unlike those jerks who didn’t follow me.”

“If you make an oath to me (Mohammed), you make an oath to God!”

Also, those Bedouins sucked because they didn’t follow me into battle. Now they’ll get their chance, but they’ll have to fight a greater army to prove themselves worthy of those gardens in heaven.

God has sent serenity down to his Messenger and his followers, which is why we just killed a bunch of people, right?

I’m totally the spokesperson for God.


 Surah 49: The Dwellings

Don’t talk about the Prophet or talk to him loudly at all. Speak quietly. God will reward those who don’t hurt the Prophet’s ears.

If you hear something from a worthless jerk, verify it before you pass it along.

Hey, look at that, useful information for us today. *Facebook* *Twitter*

Look, if the Prophet listened to you people and obeyed you, all sorts of bad stuff would happen. So your opinions don’t matter.

This is grace from the Lord.

If there’s a disagreement and one party decides not to follow Mo’s advice, fight against him until they agree to follow Mo’s advice.

Don’t mock or belittle other groups or people.

Don’t believe gossip.

Mohammed really doesn’t like the Bedouins.

True believers consider all of their stuff to be Allah’s stuff and fight for him. Really, God is doing you a favor by letting you be a Muslim and give him all of your stuff.