Category Archives: Theology

The TL:DR Bible: Hebrews 1-3


Chapter 1:

God used to speak to us with dreams, prophets, and visions, these days he has spoken to us through His Son, the heir of all the universe and its creator. He is the perfect image of God. (So if you can’t imagine Jesus doing it, then God probably didn’t do it either.) He now sits on high having made an end of sin and is higher than the angels.

He is God’s son, God is His father. He is appointed ruler above all and his reign will never end. God has never called an angel His son, but they are his ministers unto us, the saved.

 

Chapter 2:

So we pay closer attention to the words of Jesus, for if the words of the angels were to be taken seriously, how much more the words of God’s son?

The world is not the domain of angels, he has appointed the universe to be ruled over by man, but this is not yet fulfilled for us.

But we do see Jesus, who was made for a time, lesser than the angels by taking on flesh, who died so that he might partake of death for all. He will bring many sons to glory and perfect their faith through suffering and is not ashamed to call us his brothers.

Therefore, since we also share flesh and blood, he became like us, so that he might conquer death and hell, and free us from slavery and the fear of dying. He helps men, not angels, becoming our high priest and mediator with God, giving us aid during the same temptations that he faced.

 

Chapter 3:

Christ is better than Moses, for consider that the builder of the house is better than the house itself. Christ, like Moses, was faithful in what was asked of him, but Moses was a servant in the House, while Christ is the heir to the house, his church and body, whom we are if we keep the faith.

Do not harden your heart to his voice as our forefathers did with Moses.

Be careful that there is not a heart of unbelief within you that will leave the faith. Encourage each other today to remain steadfast. We are partakers of the body and blood of Christ. Do not harden your hearts like the people did with Moses. They wandered for forty years and died and did not enter into the rest God wanted for them.

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The TL:DR Bible: Titus and Philemon


Titus: 

Chapter 1:

We’re back with “Paul”, this time writing to a Titus.

God is so great and we’re getting eternal life… standard opening…

Okay, into the qualifications of church elders again…

He has to be a he, obviously, because we’re all equal in Christ, but some are more equal than others. Above reproach, only married to one of those icky females, they can’t have unbelieving children (that’s new…) good reputation, not prideful, not a drunk, not ready to throw down and fight, sensible, just, devout, self-controlled, and holding on to their faith day by day.

“Paul” remains really pissed off that other Jesus people don’t agree with his message, so he warns Titus to beware of those guys who are liars, evil beasts, and gluttons. Because God luvs baconz. You will know where people stand by their deeds.

 

Chapter 2:

Titus is to teach sound doctrine (what “Paul” believes.)

Older men, you need to be temperate, dignified, sensible, sound in faith, love, and patience. Older women are to be reverent in conduct, shut their traps, put down the wine glass now and then, and encourage the younger women to love their husbands and children and to stay at home and be obedient to their husbands as “Paul”… I mean, as “God” demands.

Young men, be sensible. Do what is good. Say what is good. So you can show those jerks outside of the church that you’re awesome.

Slaves, be the best slaves ever. Yes, happily obey your masters without arguing or stealing from them. Show them Jesus by slaving away for them. For free… as a piece of property…

The grace of God has appeared, so we’re to deny this world and live in expectation of Jesus showing up any minute. Any minute… any… minute now…

 

Chapter 3:

Obey the governing authority and the law. Even when the other party is in charge? Yes. Even when the other party is in charge. As much as it might suck.

We used to be wretched horrid sinners, but God saved us because of his mercy. So we should do good deeds, but who cares about the Law, right?

If someone insists on fighting over doctrine, kick them out of the church. He’s a sinning sinner who sins.

I’m sending folks to visit you. Try to visit me. Seriously, tell these Christians they need to start doing good deeds now.

 

Philemon:

This is Paul and Timothy,

Dear Philemon, grace to you and peace from God and Jesus Christ.

I’m super happy for you because I hear of your love and faith you possess. You bring me joy and comfort because I hear the church is blessed by you.

So I have confidence that you’ll do what is right.  I appeal to you out of love, since I am Paul, I’m old, and I’m in prison for Jesus.

I’m sending back your slave Onesimus. I’ve converted him during my imprisonment. He was worthless to you when he ran away, but is useful to me and to you now. I’m sending him back, though I wished to keep him with me, so that he might minister to me on your behalf. But I didn’t want to keep another man’s property without his consent, so that your good works wouldn’t be through compulsion, but of your own choice.

Perhaps this was the reason for his running away, that you would have a slave back forever, and more than a slave, a brother bound to you in Christ. Eh? Sounds like a good deal, right? Free him? No… you don’t have to do that. Slavery’s cool, bro.

So if you have regard of me, accept him back into your service. If he has stolen anything from you, charge his debt to me, I will repay it… you know… even though you owe me your soul because I saved you from eternal hell, Philemon, but I won’t mention that.

I’m confident you’ll do the right thing. Prepare me a room. I hope to be freed soon thanks to your prayers. (That didn’t work out so well…)

Everyone here says, “Hi.”

The TL:DR Bible: 2 Timothy


Chapter 1:

From “Paul”

To: “Timothy”

I’m super thankful for you when I remember your faith and the faith of your mom and meema. So rekindle your gift of teaching and don’t be afraid, because God has given us the spirit of power, love, and discipline.

Don’t be ashamed of the gospel or me. Embrace the suffering, kid.

God has called us both. I am totally an apostle and also totally “Paul.” So listen and remember what I said and keep my words. Guard the faith entrusted to you.

Everyone abandoned me. *SNIFF*, but it’s okay, I’ll get by. *SNIFF* All alone… except for Onesiphorus, who found me in prison. God bless him. *SNIFF*

 

Chapter 2:

Be strong in Christ’s grace. Train up other ministers by teaching them exactly what I taught you. No new ideas, kid. Suffer with me as a good soldier of Christ. Don’t get involved in the affairs of this world. Sell that house and stock! Don’t get married and have kids!

Remember that Jesus is risen from the dead, and I suffer for him. I endure because you can’t imprison ideas, even bad ones. Thus, the Internet. So I endure suffering for everyone’s sake, so that they may obtain salvation and eternal glory. Fortune and glory, kid. Fortune and glory.

Jesus will never deny us, even when we deny him.

Remind them of these things and to not get into arguments and debates. Thinking about stuff leads to ruin. God knows who are his and everyone who follows him should abstain from evil.

In the house, there are precious vessels and chamberpots. Be a precious vessel in the church. Don’t sleep around, kid. Pursue justice, faith, love, and peace with people of good character and a pure heart. Avoid debate and arguments. Be kind, able to teach, patient, and gently correct those in sin. Hopefully, they’ll be saved too.

 

Chapter 3:

In the last days, things will be difficult. Men will love themselves (when has that ever NOT been the case, “Paul”?) Men will love money. (They’ve always done that, as well.) Men will be arrogant (Dude, have you met humanity?) They’ll party a lot… that’s new, right with the kids these days? (Nope. Keep trying…) Uh… they won’t love as well. (History is full of bloody wars, revenge, and retribution, even the Old Testament.) Gossips? Lacking restraint, disobedient to parents (Have you met a teenager, “Paul”?) They’ll be religious, but they won’t mean it! That’s new! (Come and meet the modern American Evangelical church, Dude…)

(“Paul” has a bad case of “Kids these days.”)

“Tim” you kept my teaching and conducted yourself well. All who want to be Christians will suffer persecution. Those other Jesus people that I don’t approve of are getting worse, but you continue in my instruction! All scripture is inspired (not dictated, people) by God and profitable for teaching, correction, and training in justice. (Sometimes that lesson should be “Do better”, see the Law. The church can do better than the Law.)

 

Chapter 4:

Preach the gospel. The time is coming when men will reject sound doctrine. By “Sound doctrine,” of course, I mean what I say is correct. They’ll turn away from the truth and follow their own ideas about Jesus. But you should remain sober, endure suffering, and do the work of an evangelist.

I’m going to die. I’m okay with that *SNIFF*… don’t you worry about me. But come by and see me soon. I’m so very alone. Demas has left and gotten married and a new job and obviously loves the world more than Jesus. Apostate. Only Luke remains with me. Bring Mark along, I find him useful now. Bring me my favorite cloak and my books and parchments.

God will hurt Alexander the coppersmith for hurting me!

Everyone left me alone at my first court appearance. But God was with me.

Say “Hi” To everyone.

The TL:DR Bible: 1 Timothy 4-6


Chapter 4:

The Spirit tells me that in the last days, lots of people will leave the faith. They’ll discover textual criticism and atheist websites and counterapologetics… just kidding, apparently, we’re all going to turn into celibate followers of Judaism. Probably Essenes. Either that, or “Paul” is just speaking about what’s currently going on in his time.

Eat all the baconz! “Paul” says.

By saying this, you’ll be a good servant of Jesus Christ. Jesus loves baconz. Avoid old wives’ tales, “Tim”. Discipline your soul. Your body will fall apart, but your soul won’t.

Don’t let anyone look down on you because you’re young. Be an example in words and deeds. Until I come, read a lot of the Old Testament to people. Do your job. Don’t be an asshole and you and your listeners will be fine.

 

Chapter 5:

Don’t rebuke an older man, appeal to him as a father, to the younger men as brothers. Older women as mothers, younger women as sisters. Younger women from another town as cousin’s aunt’s son’s former roommate…

Honor widows who are really widows. None of those fake widows. IF they have kids or grandkids, they those whippersnappers should take care of ‘em. Real widows will spend their days in prayer watching the stories and the Jim Bakker. Fake widows will go out and date and be all Rue McClanahan from the Golden Girls. She’s dead inside.

If someone doesn’t take care of their family, they’re worse than an unbeliever.

Only take care of widows older than sixty and only if they’ve been married once. Only take care of them if they’ve put in some work at the church, “Tim”. Don’t provide for younger widows, or else they’ll want sex and want to get married and then they won’t hang around the church and do stuff for free. Tell those freeloading younger widows to get married and have children. That’s what women are for. Seriously, if you have widows in the family, they’re your problem, not ours. (THAT’S WHERE THE GOP GETS IT FROM!)

Pay your church staff. Pay the good ones double. Scriptural justification. Where’s my paycheck? Only pay attention to charges of misconduct if they can be backed up by two or three witnesses. (Sorry, victims of pastoral rape or pedophilia, unless you had two friends in the room watching, you’re out of luck.)

Don’t appoint others to help you too quickly, or else you’ll be partially (and maybe financially) responsible if they screw up.

Drink some wine for your stomach.

Your deeds are evident to all, whether good or bad.

 

Chapter 6:

Slaves, you’re S.O.L. Keep serving those masters. Especially if they’re also Christians. Masters? Do whatever you want, I don’t care.

If anyone disagrees with me, they are arrogant and stupid. Studying their theology books and getting into arguments about scripture. Phppt. Stupid eggheads. Probably just trying to get a paycheck. I’m happy with food and clothing. Those who want to get rich fall into temptation and a trap. The love of money is the root of all manner of evils. Those who long for it have walked away from the faith and fallen into many griefs.

Flee from these things. Pursue what is just, good, faithful, loving, patient, and gentle. Fight the good fight. Claim your salvation. Keep the commandments of Jesus until his coming.

Tell the rich to give, to be generous, and to build up treasure in heaven.

Guard your heart and avoid the educated, son. Grace be with you.

The TL:DR Bible: I Timothy 1-3


Chapter 1:

To: “Timothy”

From: “Paul”

Hey, “Tim,” stay in Ephesus and tell some men not to teach weird doctrines or study myths and genealogies. We’ve already got God becoming human and dying as a blood offering to himself and then raising himself from the dead so he could forgive us for our sins, we don’t need any more weirdness.

The goal of our instruction is love from a pure heart and a good conscience. Some have turned away from this back to the Law. They don’t know what they’re talking about.

The Law is good (No, it’s not… I’ve read it. It’s got some really awful parts in it, “Paul.”) and it’s not for us, but for the sinning heathens out there who murder and kidnap and do butt stuff (one of these things is not like the other.. one of these things just doesn’t belong…)

I am too an apostle. Jesus said so. Jesus came to save sinners like me, of whom I am the chief. God decided to use me as an example of how gracious he can be towards anyone.

So, “Tim”, fight the good fight and keep the faith, unlike those jerks Hymenaeus and Alexander who I gave to Satan, so he could teach them not to blaspheme. Which… sounds like a really bad plan…

 

Chapter 2:

Pray for everyone, but especially your political leaders, so you can live a quiet life. God like this. God wants everyone to be saved. (So… God could do that…) Jesus Christ is the mediator between God and Man, I am totally His apostle, okay? Really.

So pray and lift up your hands in peace and unity.

Women, wear modest clothes. Don’t braid your hair. Don’t wear gold or jewels or designer clothes. Let your good actions be your adornment. Receive instruction from men with submission. I don’t permit teach or exercise authority over men. They should remain silent. Why? Because apparently they’re more easily deceived by Satan because Adam and Eve story. But women can be redeemed from their part in original sin by having babies. So crank out those babies for Jesus, ladies.

 

Chapter 3:

If you want to be a church elder, that’s a good desire. You must be above reproach, husband of one wife, temperate, wise, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, not a drunkard or wrathful, but gentle, peaceable, and not greedy. You’ve got to keep the little woman and your kids in line. And not a noobie or else he might get prideful.

Deacons must be honest, dignified, not an alcoholic, but keepers of the faith. Test them. Let them serve as deacons if they are qualified.

Women have to be dignified, not gossips, but temperate and faithful.

Deacons can only have one wife and must keep their woman and children in line.

I hope to come soon, but I write so you’ll know how people (especially the people with vaginas) know how to act in Church.

The TL:DR Bible: 2 Thessalonians


Chapter 1:

To the church in Thessalonica, from Paul, Silvanus, and Timothy.

We’re still super happy for you guys, because you believe what we believe and you are loving one another, so we boast about you to the other churches. (“Why can’t you be more like Thessalonica?” we say, and they shout, “YOU LOVE THEM MORE THAN US!” and roll their eyes and storm off to their room.)

You guys do this despite the persecution, which is the proof that God is going to come and deal out misery and suffering to those who oppress you, even to eternal destruction, but God will deal kindly with you, provided you remain worthy of your calling, so Jesus will be glorified in your deeds.

 

Chapter 2:

So guys, about the coming of Jesus, it hasn’t happened yet, so don’t believe those people who say it has. Jesus won’t come until lots of people fall away from the true faith, then the man of lawlessness will be revealed, who opposes and sets himself above every god, and takes a seat in the temple of God proclaiming himself as God.

This lawlessness works even now, but is seized by a power. The thing that seizes it will be taken away and then God will destroy that person with the breath of his mouth. This person comes in union with the activity of the devil and produces signs and wonders to deceive those who are perishing, so God will send upon them a delusion so they will believe the lie, so they can be judged. (Which seems a bit unfair, but you know… sort of what God does in the Old Testament. See Pharaoh and David as examples.)

(I don’t think any of this necessitates the common evangelical reading of a far future prophesy, so much as a commentary on the churches’ current status. The New Testament writers were very convinced of the need to warn their readers about what they considered false strains of Christianity that were spreading. The apostasy warned of could reference one of these growing divisions within the early church and disagreement about the nature of Christianity.)

But you guys are destined for glory because God has called you out of the ranks of those losers and you do Jesus right.

 

Chapter 3:

Pray for us, that our message spreads quickly as it did with you and we will be rescued from our oppressors. God is faithful and will strengthen and preserve you. We’re confident that you’ll keep doing what we tell you to do.

Keep away from those that lead a disorderly and undisciplined life. We didn’t mooch off of you, they shouldn’t mooch off of you either. Rather, if they’re able, let them get a job and take care of themselves. We hear of some people who are idle and getting into trouble by butting into their neighbors’ business. Get a job, live quietly and mind your own business, people. But you do not weary of doing good. (In other words, this does not relieve you of your obligation to help the poor, modern American Christians…)

If anyone doesn’t listen to us, shun them. But don’t think of them as an enemy, but as someone in need of correction.

I’m signing this letter myself, Baby. Paul.

The TL:DR Bible: 1 Thessalonians 4-5


Chapter 4:

Finally, guys, keep walking purely so you can please God because he’s very concerned about what you’re doing with your genitals. No unauthorized sexy times. That’s not us and our religious culture saying that, that’s straight from God. So no butt stuff, no hooking up… unless you rape a girl and pay her dad off and marry her… or you get a concubine (sex slave).

Now, you guys already love each other, but love more, okay? Lead a quiet life, mind your own business, and get a job to pay your bills.

Look, guys, here’s the deal with the resurrection, so you’re not upset about your dead loved ones. We believe that Jesus died and rose from the dead, so we believe that God will raise the dead in Jesus. When Jesus comes back, with a shout from an archangel and the trumpet of God, the dead will rise up first, then we will rise with them and meet Jesus in the air, so we will all be together with the Lord forever. So be of good cheer.

(And seriously… nothing about a rapture here guys. This is the second coming of Jesus. The apocalypse… the end. The big kaboom. Judgement Day… Hasta La Vista, Baby…)

 

Chapter 5:

Okay, so we all expected Jesus to be back by now, but the Day of the Lord will be a complete surprise and just show up. Everyone will think there is peace and safety, but then boom… Jesus with sword mouth shows up and wrecks everything. You guys aren’t in darkness, so this shouldn’t be a surprise to you when it happens… So everyone stay sober and aware. Act in faith and love with the hope of salvation. God hasn’t destined us for judgement, but for salvation in Christ. Whether we live or die, we do it within Jesus.

Look up to your pastors and deacons and elders. I’m sure blind adoration for authority will never cause issues in the church.

Live in harmony, correct the fallen, encourage the fearful, help the weak, show patience with all. Do not return evil when evil is done to you, but do what is the best good for the most people. Always be happy, shiny people. Pray always. (Still kind of hard to do when you’re asleep…), give thanks for everything. Do not quench the Spirit whatever that means… do not despise prophetic utterings. Think critically about everything and test it. Hold fast to what is true. Avoid evil.

May God make you holy and preserve you, body and soul at the coming of Jesus.
Pray for us.

Greet each other with a holy kiss. Make sure everyone reads this letter.

Paul