Category Archives: Christianity

The TL:DR Bible: Jeremiah 11-14


Chapter 11:

God tells Jeremiah to go tell the cities of Judah that they’ve broken the covenant with God and God will bring disaster upon them. Some jerks in the city of Anathoth don’t like the message and threaten Jeremiah, so God tells him don’t worry about it, he’s going to kill them all within a year.

 

Chapter 12:

Jeremiah says, “Hey, God? Why are you letting evil people prosper? And evil people? No one likes you, not even your family.”

God says, “I’m really angry at them and will let another nation destroy Judah, but then I’ll be nice God again and let them come back.”

Anyone else starting to think that Jeremiah could be a much shorter book since just about every chapter has the exact same prophesy?

 

Chapter 13:

“Hey, Jerry.”

“Oh… hi, God.”

“Jerry, go down to the market and buy a new linen cummerbund, put it on and wear it for a while, but don’t wash it.”

“O-kay…”

Several days later.

“Okay, take the cummerbund and go to the river Euphrates and bury it there.”

“Euphrates? Seriously, that’s like 800 miles away. It’ll take weeks to get there, even riding a camel. Can’t we just use the Jordan river?”

“No, it’s very important that it’s the Euphrates.”

“Okay, but if I get back and you tell me to go back and dig it up again, I’m going to be pissed.”

Several months later…

“Jerry, go dig up that cummerbund.”

“DAMN IT!”

Several weeks later…

“Okay, it’s ruined.”

“Just like Judah…”

“Seriously? That’s your great object lesson that took like eight months out of my life?”

“Pretty much, yeah…”

“This job sucks.”

“Why don’t you go tell everyone I’m going to kill them again because they’re assholes?”

“Sigh… I wonder if Ba’al is hiring…”

 

Chapter 14:

“Hey, God?”

“Yeah, Jerry?”

“I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but the drought down here is pretty severe. Maybe you could help us out so we don’t all die? Yeah, I know we’ve been assholes and worshipped other gods, but please have mercy on us.”

“No. And stop praying for them because I’m going to kill them all with the sword.”

“But if you kill us all with drought first, there won’t be anyone left to die by the sword. And anyway, don’t blame the people. There’s a bunch of other prophets out here saying that you won’t kill us all with the sword.”

“Heh… they don’t know me, do they?”

“I guess not…”

“Now I’m going to extra super kill those prophets by the sword! Oh, and everyone else too!”

“Okay, but about the drought? Maybe you could do something about that too?”

“Eh…I’ll think about it.”

The TL:DR Bible: Jeremiah 6-10


Chapter 6:

Everyone get out of Jerusalem because invaders will come from the north and lay siege to it and overthrow her.

God is punishing her for her violence and destruction and wickedness.

They will take nearly everything from Judah.

I warn, but no one listens. I grow angry until I cannot bear it and will pour out my wrath upon the old and young, men and women, parent and child, rich and poor, priest and prophets who lie to the people and say there will be peace, but there is no peace. They have no shame who claim to speak for me.

I tell them to walk in a good way, but they say, “No.” So, I bring judgement on them. They try to appease me with religion, but I despise their religion.

Disaster comes from the north. Mourn for the coming dead.

 

Chapter 7:

“Jerry, go stand in the gate of the Temple and tell the people that if they turn from their evil ways, I will let them live in this land forever. Tell them not to trust the people who say the Temple of the Lord will never be overthrown. If they change, if they care for the poor, the widows, the orphans, if they practice justice, if they welcome the foreigners, and do not shed the blood of the innocent, then I will bless them and they will live here forever.”

“But if they practice injustice and evil and then come here to my house? Is this not a worse evil? They turn my house into a den of thieves. I will not deliver them. Tell them to go to Shiloh, where people used to worship me and see what I let happen there. Because they do the same evils, I will cast them out of my sight.”

“Jerry, do not pray for this people. Don’t intercede for them because I do not hear you. They worship other gods, so they will be judged.”

“I never wanted sacrifices. I wanted your fathers to obey my words. But they did not. I have sent them prophets since they were in Egypt to this day, and they do not listen to them. You will speak to them and they won’t listen. Cut off your hair and shave your head, Jerry and throw the hair away in mourning for Jerusalem.”

“They’re sacrificing their children to other gods as burnt offerings, which I did not command-“

Abraham, “Eh….”

“ONE TIME! ONE TIME, ABE! AND I STOPPED YOU. Geez, you think you’d let that go.”

 

Chapter 8:

And another chapter where God says everyone sucks and things are really going to suck for them.

 

Chapter 9:

God’s sad because Judah has become a bunch of lying assholes and so he’s got to do something about it and punish them and punish everyone around them too for reasons, so everyone should mourn, except the man who practices love, justice, and righteousness.

 

Chapter 10:

Hey, everyone, it’s pretty stupid to worship a god of gold and silver that you made with your own hands, but it’s perfectly rational to worship an invisible God instead. Because… reasons…

The TL:DR Bible: Jeremiah 3-5


Chapter 3:

And God said, “When a man divorces his wife… heh, yeah a man, cause my law ain’t letting no chicks file for divorce… and his wife leaves and marries another dude, does her first husband go get her? Wouldn’t that make you all sick? We don’t share vaginas here, people. But you guys are totally letting all these other gods into your spiritual vagina… and then coming back to me.  God is not going to be an Eskimo brother with Dagon… I don’t want to smell like fish, man… but you guys keep slutting it up with Baal, so I’ve stopped the rains. But you guys keep whoring it up with other gods, so why are you bugging me now?”

“Hey, Jeremiah, do you see what a slut Israel and Judah have been? Getting it on everywhere with other gods. So I got sick of it and divorced Israel and sent them to Assyria. But Judah kept whoring it up anyway, so Israel is better than Judah. So Israelites? Come back, admit your whorin’ ways, and I will bring you to the perfect kingdom of Zion, and you guys won’t be whores anymore, but faithful to me.”

“But seriously, you guys are all spiritual sluts and I don’t like you right now… seriously, I’m much more handsome than Ba’al.”

 

Chapter 4:

“If you guys just come back to Me, then everything will be great again. We totally won’t end up on another episode of Cops yelling at each other on our lawn in our underwear.”

“Why don’t you guys cut off the foreskins of your heart?”

“That sounds painful and possibly deadly… we kind of need the pericardium.”

“It’s figurative! Anyway, I’m going to bring up a nation to kill most of you and cart the rest of you off as slaves anyway.”

“Seriously?” Jeremiah said. “Right after telling us that if we come back, it’ll be cool again? That sounds like you’re lying to us.”

“Yeah, but if you guys repent, it’ll all be fine, but seriously, bad stuff is coming.”

Jeremiah goes off to cry while God continues to spout doom.

 

Chapter 5:

“Just to be fair, why don’t you go look around the city, Jerry and see if you can find one guy who acts with justice. Then I’ll spare the city.”

“Do I count?” Jerry said.

“NO!”

“Okay then.”

“You won’t find anyone, you know.”

“Then why are you sending me out looking for one?”

“I’ve tried. I’ve tried beating the shit out of them, but no one returns to me.”

“Maybe if there was less beating the crap out of them and more just showing up in Jerusalem with the glory and the shining…”

“Hey, do I tell you how to do your job?”

“Yes! All the time!”

“Well, that’s beside the point…”

“Well, maybe they don’t know your law. Why don’t I go teach them about how you like your animals killed?”

“Medium-rare… seriously, how hard is it to get a decent medium-rare from your priests? Anyway, I’m pissed off with all of you and you’re all going to die now. Well, not now, but soon… and not all of you, but most of you. And it’s because you cheated on me, you filthy whore!”

“And then when those Babylonians come up and kill most of you, then they’ll say, “Why has God forsaken us?” and you’ll say, “Because you were dirty whores with your whoring with other gods!” Burn.”

The TL:DR Bible: Jeremiah 1-2


Chapter 1:

Hi, all, Jeremiah here. God started speaking to me during the reign of King Josiah of Judah right through the fifth month after the sack of Jerusalem. So God told me:

“Hey, before you were even born, I knew you. You’re going to be my spokesman.”

“But Lord, I can’t speak…”

“Let me stop you right there. Moses already tried that crap on me and I didn’t let him out of it. You’re my guy.”

Later…

“Hey, Jeremiah, what do you see?”

“A rod from an almond tree.”

“Good eyes, kid, what else do you see?”

“A boiling pot facing South.”

“Out of the North, enemies will come and lay siege to Jerusalem. I’m bringing them here to punish you guys for worshipping idols. God tell the people this and don’t worry, I’ll protect your life when they try to kill you.”

“Kill me? Uh… tell me again, why you just can’t tell them yourself?”

“There’s a very good reason for that.”

“Which is?”

“None of your business. Now get to the talking, kid.”

Chapter 2:

“Hey, kid, God here. Go tell the people this:

I remember how you guys were devoted to me way back after I brought you out of Egypt. How you loved me and killed animals for me.”

“Wait. I’ve read the first five books of the bible and those guys were assholes and you kept killing them and threatening genocide on them pretty much from day one.”

“What fault have you people found in me that you turn from killing animals for me and start killing animals for other gods?  Look around? Has a nation ever changed gods before? I mean, when they weren’t really gods? I’ve done nothing but good things for you, and you’re going after Baal and looking to Egypt and Assyria for military help. I set you guys free and you guys refuse to love me, but like donkeys in heat keep going to other gods. Well, let those gods help you now, huh? But you’ll still refuse to come to me. So just know that Egypt will fail you because I’m tired of you all stepping out on me and killing animals for other gods and for oppressing the poor.”

The TL:DR Bible: Isaiah 64-66


Chapter 64:

Hi, God, are you there, it’s us, Israel…

It would be supercool of you to come down and show our enemies that you’re real and you reward those who do good.

Sure, we sinned for a while there. We adopted a pantheon. We had fertility orgies, which… would you maybe reconsider your ban on those because they were pretty cool… no? Okay. Yeah, we’re sinners and the best things we can offer you from our deeds are pretty nasty. We’re just saying, we know we have no hold on you. But you are our Father and look, just do whatever you want with us, but save our lives and we’d really appreciate it if you made them less crappy. And if you’re still angry at us, I mean, remember all the things they did to that Temple we build for you? Those bastards tore it down? Are you gonna take that? Are you?

 

Chapter 65:

Hey, guys, God here.

I’ve pretty much been here the whole time. I’ve been practically shouting at you guys, “Look over here!” But you guys keep killing animals for other gods. I want all of your dead animals, okay? You guys ignored my dietary restrictions and ate bacon.

Israel: Have you tried bacon? It’s pretty good.

God: No, it’s not awesome.

Jesus: Dad, it is pretty good.

God: Look, if you want to let your disciples eat bacon, be my guest, but for my people? No bacon. Also, you jerks think you’re better than everyone else and all of this is just really pissing me off, okay? So I repaid you guys for your evils. But I’m mainly cheesed off about the giving other gods dead animals.

But, like I’ve said before, I’m going to get over it and bring you guys back to a great land full of food, water, and wealth. But not for the jerks who keep giving dead animals to other gods. My people will eat and they will hunger. My people will drink, but those jerks will be thirsty. And it’s really going to suck for them… one day, even though it pretty much seems like the good and the evil both do about the same and evil men have lots of money and power, they’re going to regret it eventually…

Because I’m going to make a new heaven and a new Earth! And it won’t be for them. And there won’t be any aging. You’ll be considered young if you die at 100.  Everyone’s going to have a house and farm lands and no stupid Assyrian or Babylonian or Persian raiders to take your stuff.

And then we’ll all get along with each other and even predator animals will hang out with prey animals and I will call it Zootopia!

Disney Lawyers: No. No, you will not. That name is trademarked.

God: Sigh… fine. I’ve got to stop sending all of the lawyers to Hell.

 

Chapter 66:

God: I’m God. Why do I need a Temple? Huh? Gabriel? GABRIEL?

Gabriel: Yes, oh, Lord.

God: Why do I need a Temple?

Gabriel: You don’t really.

God: So why’d I tell Solomon to build me one? Oh well, I guess maybe so the good people down there can hang out with me.

Anyway, if you’re religious and you’re not doing what is right like taking care of the poor, the sick, all those people, your religion sickens me. So I punished you guys. But then everything is going to be supergood one day. I’ll punish the wicked and bless the good.

Gabriel: Why do you keep saying that? It’s almost like you’re a Jewish man living in oppression and exile and you’re really hoping a God exists so you can have faith that it won’t always suck for you forever.

God: Huh… yeah, I guess it does. Did I already mention the new heaven and new Earth?

Gabriel: Yeah. Last chapter.

God: Did I mention I’ll incinerate the wicked and turn them into wormfood?

Gabriel: Not in so many terms, but essentially, yes.

God: Then I guess I’m done. Good. Now I’ve got to go talk to that Jeremiah kid. Ugh. It’s going to be super awkward. Dude cries at the drop of a hat. Literally. He dropped his hat and spend like 30 minutes yesterday sobbing like a baby about it.

The TL:DR Bible: Isaiah 60-63


Chapter 60:

“Hey, Israel, get up. It’s morning time in Jerusalem again. Everyone else’s lives suck, but you guys are having a golden age. Everyone is coming to bask in your greatness. And you guys are going to get super rich again as camels cover the land.”

“Who’s going to clean up after those camels?” the janitor said.

“Uh,” God said, “It’s not important. They’ll be bringing gold and-“

“Well, it’s important to me. I don’t want to be shoveling camel shit off the roads all day long.”

“Okay, they will be poopless camels, okay? Happy now? Point is, you’re all going to be rich. Rams will willingly leap on my altar-“

“Baaaaa,” the sheep said, which roughly translated meant, “Like hell, I will.”

“It’s just an expression, okay, stop getting hung up on them. The point is, you’re all going to be rich because I’m happy with you then. Not now. Now your life sucks because I don’t like you all that much, but then! Then it will be different. I promise, we’re going to build your walls and Persia will pay for them. And seriously, everyone is going to love the Jews from now on!”

“Ehhhhhh,” Hitler said.

“Oh, yeah… that guy,” God said. “But seriously, everything’s great. And it’s all going to happen really soon. Soon may mean up to 5,000 years later.”

“What was that last part?”

“Nothing. I’m just God. I’ve got a lot of things on my plate, but I will totally get to everyone loves the Jews and you’re all filthy rich really soon, okay?”

 

Chapter 61:

“The Spirit of the Lord is upon me. The Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the oppressed, to heal the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives and freedom. To tell of the favorable year of the Lord and his vengeance upon the jerks of the world. Take comfort, turn that frown upside down. You’re all going to be called Oaks of Righteousness. You’re going to rebuild everything and everything is going to be great. You’re all going to be priests of the Lord and foreigners will serve you.

 

Chapter 62:

“Seriously, guys, it’s going to be great really soon and nothing but smooth sailing for the Jews.”

“Ehhhh,” said Hitler.

“Geez. Why did I invite that guy?” said the Lord.

 

Chapter 63:

Isaiah: I see a guy coming over from Edom. Who are you?

God: God.

Isaiah: Why are your clothes all red?

God: Because I’ve killed like a LOT of people. Just like A LOT. Seriously. Did you know people make a popping sound when you step on them? I mean, I tried to get other people to help, but no one was up for an apocalyptic bloodbath and stepping on men, women, and children.

Isaiah: Wow… uh, change of subject. Isn’t God super loving?

Jewish peasant: Did you not just hear that bit about stomping people to death?

Isaiah: Just think of how good he’s been to us! Even though we sinned against him. Hey, God. Why don’t you come back now?”

Jewish woman: Please don’t! He was dripping blood all over my daisies.

The TL:DR Bible: Isaiah 57-59


Next follows three chapters that should probably be read in every American church until we start changing our ways.

 

Chapter 57:

Good men die and no one cares. Evil men kill the good.

“Hey, you bastards, why are you mocking? You’re bastards and liars who murder children and worship gods of your own making. Do you really think you’ll get away with it? I’ve seen it all. You’re going to cry for deliverance from the calamity I bring, but your gods and your own hands cannot save you. I will leave you desolate.”

“Remove the roadblocks so my people can journey home. I live forever with the humble, the poor, and the lightly esteemed. I will not be angry forever or all mankind would perish. I was angry at your sins and your unjust accumulation of wealth, so I struck my people. He left me, but I will heal him, restore him, and comfort him. But there will be no peace for the wicked.”

 

Chapter 58:

“Cry out and shout loudly! Declare the sins to my people. They seek me. They cry out, ‘We’ve fasted and humbled ourselves, but you don’t pay attention.’”

“Tell them that I see that on the day they fast and hold their religious ceremonies, I see them oppress the working man. Do I require fasting of you like this? Is not the better religious observance to free the oppressed, to lighten the load of the laborer, to set the afflicted man free and break the yoke of slavery? Is it not to share your goods with the hungry, to invite the homeless man into your house, to give him your coat when you see him without one?”

“Then your light will shine like the dawn and your recovery will be speedy. And I will be your God and you will be my people! All will be restored once again.”

“If you keep the Sabbath in spirit and in truth, you will be blessed abundantly.”

 

Chapter 59:

God could save us, but your sins are impeding that deliverance. Your hands are full of the blood of the innocent.  Your mouth is full of lies. Your works are iniquity and violence. You run to shed the blood of the innocent man. You do not know peace and you do not know justice.

“Therefore, justice is far from us and we yearn for good things, but evil befalls us. We stumble in the darkness as blind men. Our sins are always before you. You have seen and it displeased you that there was no justice in the land. You have seen us and found no one to be a mediator between you and us. So your own hand brings salvation. So you put on justice, salvation, and vengeance and you will repay every man according to his deeds. So all men will see that a redeemer comes to Zion.”

“This is my covenant with you,” says the Lord. “I will put my Spirit upon you and you and your descendants will know my words forever.”