Category Archives: Christianity

The Big Whoop Book: Chapter 2


Your humble Exalted Reverend Most High Grande Nacho Supreme Poobah has been a bit under the weather this week. So he’s not going to suffer through both a mild bout of the flu and the Quran, so we will continue our exploration of our new religion, Whoopee, and our new deity Big Whoop. Today, we’ll be answering some questions that arose from finding out a new deity existed.

Why should I follow Big Whoop instead of my current deity?

That is a very good question. To answer that, let me ask you a question? Has your God ever decided to destroy the world and drown all of the cute baby meat critters because people suck? If so, that should be a good enough reason to consider a less homicidal deity.

Another good reason is that unlike all of the other deities out there, Big Whoop is honest enough to admit right up front that he does not, in fact, exist.

He doesn’t exist?

Not in the slightest.

Isn’t it kind of odd to follow a god that doesn’t exist?

That hasn’t stopped all of the other gods from building their own religions, so Big Whoop does not foresee this to be a problem for the most holy religion of Whoopee either.

Do you have any proof that Big Whoop doesn’t exist?

Yes. Unlike other deities, Big Whoop is not shy or timid about showing up in front of everybody and saying, “Hi there!” So you can rest assured that if Big Whoop did exist, you would damn well know it.

So is there an afterlife?

No.

Big Whoop is terribly sorry about that. You see, Big Whoop actually didn’t intend to make humans. He was fiddling around with some amino acids some 4 billion years ago and constructed a single cell. It was quite cool. What was even cooler was that this little organic machine started to copy itself.

“That is neat-o,” said Big Whoop. “I wonder if I can build another one?”

So he build another little machine, then another. And they all copied themselves. Of course, some of them didn’t copy themselves so well, so soon there were billions of different kinds of little cells all floating about unconsciously in the ocean.

I think we can all agree that an afterlife for a little single cell is completely unnecessary, so Big Whoop didn’t bother constructing one.

I mean, he hardly expected you little cells to start organizing into meat creatures, let alone somehow attain consciousness and start asking philosophical questions about the meaning of life and such.

So, no, there is no afterlife. Big Whoop apologizes for the inconvenience.

Wait, couldn’t Big Whoop whip one up right now?

Well, of course, he could. But that might take years and frankly, some of you are looking like you can’t wait that long.

Also, there is the slight matter of Big Whoop’s non-existence which might put a bit of a dampener on any plans to construct an afterlife.

So, it might happen, but sadly, I cannot promise you an afterlife, no promise of eternity. Just a promise of now. You are alive now. You exist now. Enjoy it. Enjoy every little moment of your extremely improbable life. Cherish every hug, remember every kiss, think warmly of every joy, and remember that every sorrow is temporary for one day you will fall asleep and simply be gone.

That seems rather unfair.

I’m sorry, that wasn’t a question.

Doesn’t that seem rather unfair?

No more so than your previous non-existence before your birth was ‘unfair.’

Why would we be moral if there’s no afterlife?

Are you saying you really need the threat of punishment after death to be a moral person?

Uh… maybe?

Fine, I suppose we could humor you if you really are that psychologically damaged.

When you die, an angelic hall monitor shaped like a potato will arrive to take you to the Big Whoop’s Principal’s Office where he’ll look over your permanent record and decide how long you have to spend in Big Whoop’s Timeout Corner for Very Naughty Monkeys.

While stuck in Timeout, everyone you’ve ever met or ever will meet will come by and tell you to your face about all the times you were an asshole to them.

And once that’s over, you can go out and play at Recess.

Recess? Is that like heaven?

With the clouds and the harps and the constant telling a deity how wonderful he is? No. Recess is just that. Go outside, play, build your own little single-cell machines, smoke behind the gym, whatever, just get out of Big Whoop’s face and leave him alone. He has many god things to do, you know?

God things?

Yes. As in “none of your monkey business.”

It’s porn, isn’t it?

Oh, yes., You think you’ve seen nudity. You haven’t begun to comprehend the subject until you’ve seen two multi-dimensional entities phase shift into the sane plane and insert their ethereal glowy bits into one another’s semi-permeable membranes.

If Big Whoop is all-powerful and all-loving, why is there evil in the world?

Please refer back to the ‘he doesn’t exist’ answer.

But if you created Big Whoop, then doesn’t he exist in some capacity?

My, you are a clever hairless monkey, aren’t you?

Yes, I suppose in some capacity, now that I’ve created him, Big Whoop does exist. But since one of the attributes of Big Whoop is his non-existence, we’re left with a conundrum. “Conundrum” of course, being a very fancy word for saying that this religion doesn’t really make sense. And since no other religion cares about making sense, I fail to see why Big Whoop cannot both exist and not exist at the same time. A = Not A is only a problematic statement when you’re attempting to construct a logical argument after all, and faith is simply not logical.

Now then, this chapter has almost reached a thousand words, so I won’t bore you any further this week. We’ll be answering more of your questions regarding your new Lord and God in the coming weeks, but for now, we shall bring this chapter to a close. And to entice you to return, next week, we will discuss something you naughty monkeys are very fond of and obsessed over: sexual intercourse. Won’t that be a hoot?

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Shit your pastor said…


I sometimes still like to check in with my former Evangelical and Christian cohorts to stay in touch with the zeitgeist of Christianity in America, so today, I present to you a new edition of “Shit your pastor said on the radio…”

  • It should be illegal to be gay.
  • It should be illegal to produce or view pornography.
  • Instead of decriminalizing weed, we should keep the current laws where guys with a small amount of weed are doing 20 or 30 years.
  • Alcoholism isn’t a health issue or disease.
  • Jesus didn’t turn water into wine or drink wine, it was probably just grape juice, we don’t know. Shut up.

This has been another edition of “Shit your pastor said out loud on the radio, holy fuck are you kidding me?”

Jesus Christ. Get the vaccine.


Sigh…

Really?

Really…?

There’s a part of me that says, “If these idiots really want to take themselves out of the gene pool, by all means, let them…”

But there’s a greater part of me that has empathy for the innocent victims that would suffer and that part is actually stronger than the asshole within, so let me just say this: VACCINATE YOURSELF AND YOUR KIDS! NEITHER JESUS, NOR HOMEOPATHY, NOR ESSENTIAL OILS, OR VOODOO MAGIC IS GOING TO PROTECT YOU FROM THE FLU! GET THE DAMNED VACCINE!

Unless you can’t because of a medical condition, there is ZERO reason for you to avoid vaccines and thousands upon thousands of tiny potentially deadly reasons for you to go get a bloody shot.

Stop using religion or quack science or bullshit as an excuse to be stupid. Your still living children will thank you one day.

“But Gloria Copeland…”

Has Gloria Copeland or Jenny fucking McCarthy gone to medical school? Have they spent their lives studying deadly infectious diseases and how to prevent them?

“But Big Pharma-”

You mean the people who spend their lives studying deadly medical conditions and how to treat them?

Yeah, the Medical system in the United States is pretty fucked up, and yes, it’s pretty fucking obscene that pharma-douche CEOs make as much money as they can off of the sick, but Jesus H. Christ, do you really think all of those scientists and chemists and biologists and doctors who work for these companies are really in on a scheme to personally fuck you over?

Go, get your fucking vaccine.

“But I still got the flu last year…”

Yeah, that happens. Evolution can be a motherfucking bitch.

Get the vaccine.

“But Jesus will protect me.”

Jesus lets people get fucking cancer. Every year. Every day. Right now, there are wards full of good Christian kids dying of fucking cancer. Now maybe, at the end, if we die and Jesus is standing there, he’ll have a really good explanation for why he lets people get fucking cancer, but there’s no denying that people get fucking cancer now regardless of what religion they belong to.

Get the vaccine.

God answers Mr. Moore


“Hi, Roy, God here. Yes. The Almighty God, creator of heaven and Earth and all that other stuff. You lost. You lost because you’re mean small man. You lost because everything you stand for is an affront to me. You see, you’re obsessed with other people’s morality and you lack your own morals. I think my Son said something about that in his Sermon on the Mount. You should probably read that.

“More than that though, you are more obsessed with what people do with their sex parts than you are with the fact that millions of poor children are about to lose their access to healthcare, that millions of young men and women have had their lives ruined because you treat addiction like a crime instead of a chronic disease that requires medical and psychological intervention.

“You worry about prayer in schools, but you don’t worry about the hungry child praying to me silently for food. You call him a freeloader. You don’t worry about the child praying that please, could they stop picking on him for one day, just one day? You tell him to toughen up. You don’t worry about the child who prays because his parents, his preacher, and you call him an abomination because he’s attracted to other boys or other girls.

“You worry about zygotes and fetuses, but you don’t worry about providing poor mothers with options or healthcare for their developing infants, you don’t worry about providing a safe space they can leave their babies and children if they have to go work, and you don’t worry about the millions of people living in hopelessness and poverty who are left behind by the very agenda you push. And you definitely don’t worry about the young unarmed black man lying in the street shot by a police officer. You call him a thug. Or the men and women who will die this year because someone will take their lives with a gun.

“Well, I hear them, Roy. I hear all of them every day. And we can argue about why I haven’t fixed it all, or you can start hearing them too and become part of the solution.

“Others hear them already and they are acting. They are tired of the injustice, they are tired of the oppression, they are tired the hatred, they are tired of the violence, and they are moving and my Spirit moves with them.

“So go home and rethink these words, “I desire mercy, not sacrifice” and “you’re straining at a gnat and swallowing a camel.” Then join those people fighting for what matters. Maybe start by apologizing to the women you hurt. What is right is not always easy, but it will be good for your soul.

“Sincerely, God”

 

The Great Cosmic Prank


So, okay, there’s this God. There’s this God and he’s sitting in a great void, so he says, “Let there be light.” Big bang happens. Particles and shit go everywhere. So this God, right? Still alone in a big pile of particle shit. But he’s literally got all eternity to wait and work, so eventually all of those particles come together to form the first stars, then planets. So He’s sitting in a nearly infinite universe He’s just created with billions and billions of galaxies each full of billions and billions of stars and planets. Like almost infinite diversity in the universe already.

So this God whether by design or through the natural course of the events He set in motion picks a planet or maybe more, who knows, right? And says, “Let there be life.” A few little proteins coalesce and form a few rudimentary living things. Microscopic life. And they multiply and they mutate and soon… well, soon, on a galactic scale, there’s trillions of the little things floating around, but they don’t look like the first living things anymore. All of that reproduction and mutation has caused significant little changes here and there. Some were good, some were bad. But now we have a lot of microscopic bio-diversity.

And soon (again, cosmically speaking) we’ve got some of these microscopic cells that sort of develop into more complex critters and then more branch out and develop into more complex creatures and soon we have an ocean full of life and millions of distinct animals. Some of which start to crawl or flop about on land, and boom… land animals.

Amphibians, lizards, insects, dinosaurs, meteors, mammals, monkeys, primates, and then some primates give birth to a baby primate that has something… that spark of self-awareness and intelligence that sets him or her above their ancestors. Human beings develop and spread. It’s a rough go at first, but soon there are millions of us wandering about the Earth building civilizations, asking questions, each one of us unique and individual. Millions becomes hundreds of millions.

So then God, right? Remember him? God sitting in an infinite universe of infinite stars and near infinite planets looks down at one world where there is uncountable diversity of life and hundreds of millions of homo sapiens each unique and individual and then God looks down and shouts at the hundreds of millions of homo sapiens on one tiny rock orbiting one star in this infinite universe and this God shouts,  “HEY! You guys have to all fit into exactly two categories and it depends on your dangly bits or lack thereof.”

Best fucking joke in the universe, right?

The TL:DR Bible: Epilogue


What do you do when you wake up and you realize that you have doubts about your faith? I turned to my scriptures and I read them.

Did it help resolve the doubts?

No. It made the doubts stronger. Whether it’s the contradictions or the immoral moral laws supposedly dictated from on high to a desert tribal leader that we have no historical or archaeological evidence for, it seems almost certain that the bible was written by men addressing the issues and the culture of their own day.

So what did I find?

Well, I found out that there is a theme of social justice running from the prophets through the New Testament. I found a debate about the place of outsiders and whether or not God or a God could love them. He does. I found some good moral instruction.

And I found that it’s time for me to leave Evangelical Christianity behind. The current state of its politics make it easier, as does the views of most Evangelicals towards progressives in general and liberal Christians in particular.

At the end of the journey, I have more questions than answers, more doubt than faith, more ignorance than knowledge. I am an agnostic Christian who isn’t sure a God exists, but likes the idea of a benevolent one and a future hope and thinks that social justice is worth fighting for.

So call it what you will, judge me according to your standards, I have to be true to my own heart and mind. And if there is a loving God worthy of worship, I’m sure He (or She) will understand.

Thank you for reading along with me.

When I have time, I will compile all of my posts, edit them, and produce them in  book form. If you’re interested in that, stay tuned, I will announce when it’s ready.

But, for now, it’s time to move on to the next Abrahamic religion.

The TL:DR Bible: Revelation 17-22


 Chapter 17:

One of the angels that dumped out his bowl of wrath tells John to come and see the judgment of the great whore.

There’s a woman riding a seven headed, ten horned scarlet beast with blasphemous names on it. She’s wearing designer clothes and jewelry and carrying a gold cup full of abominations. She has a face tattoo of her name, Babylon the great, mother of whores and abominations. You wonder how that fit on her forehead.

And she’s drunk on Christian blood because subtlety is for losers.

The angel says the beast is going to rise out of the abyss and go to destruction. The seven heads of the beast are seven mountains and if you’ve heard Rome called the city of seven hills, you know that’s what he’s talking about. John proclaims that they are also seven kings, five are dead, one is, and one is to come. Which doesn’t make sense because by the time this was written, Rome had had 15 or 16 emperors who had died, not five. But the beast is the eighth king, but one of the seven and geez, John, get an abacus, would you? And then the ten horns are ten new kings that don’t have a kingdom yet, but when they do, they’ll be vice-king under the beast.

Then they fight against eldritch abomination Jesus and he defeats them.

And everyone who used to love the beast will hate her and burn her with fire and devour her body.

 

Chapter 18:

Rome falls and becomes desolate and abandoned in a day, a place of wild animals and birds because of their economic and moral exploitation. Christians are warned to abandon Rome or else they will get caught up in God’s karmic retribution.

And now everyone is sad about Rome falling because of the good and economic losses they’ve incurred.

And a strong angel picks up a rock and chucks it into the sea and says, “That’s Babylon. They sucked.”

 

Chapter 19:

Then everyone in heaven looks at God and says, “It was a good thing you overthrew Rome and killed all of her inhabitants… a very good thing.”

Then Jesus finally makes an honest woman out of the church after being engaged for like 2,000+ years and they have a very tasteful reception with an open bar and passable chicken cordon bleu with a vegetable lasagna option for Daniel and his vegetarian friends.

Then I guess after the honeymoon to Disney World, Jesus gets pissed and rides a horse over to face the beasts and the dragon and their armies. He’s got laser eyes, bloody robes, a thigh tattoo of his special name, and a sword mouth again.

An angel calls all of the carrion birds to come and eat because this isn’t Jesus “Turn the other cheek” Christ, this is Jesus “When you absolutely positively have to kill every mother****er in the room, accept no substitutes” Christ.

And he does. He kills everyone. Except the beasts. Those guys he flings into a Lake of Fire alive.

 

Chapter 20:

An angel puts the devil into prison for a thousand years, then Angry Vengeance Jesus holds a tribunal over the dead Christian martyrs and they get to join him and rule over the nations.

Then the devil is granted parole… which… come on, it’s the friggin’ devil! You know he’s going to reoffend. But the devil gets out and everyone is angry at living under Jesus’ rule, so they rebel and God kills them all and throws the devil into the Lake of Fire too. And he destroys the Earth and the universe for good measure.

Then God holds court and judges all of the unbeliever dead and throws them all into the Lake of Fire to be tortured forever and ever without respite, hope, mercy, or compassion, and God is the good guy in this story…

 

Chapter 21:

God makes a new universe and a new Earth. He makes a new Jerusalem. God will live with men forever and ever. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes. (So I guess you forget at some point that God is torturing Uncle Sal in the lake of fire then? Or you nod, smile, and say, “It’s a good thing you done that God, a very good thing.”)

God says, “I’ve made everything new. I’m the first and the last. Anyone who wants to drink the waters of eternal life can. But if you’re a coward, an unbeliever, an abomination, a murderer, immoral, a wizard, a liar, or an idolater, (he remains silent on the tokers, the smokers, and the midnight jokers) you’re shit out of luck and I will be torturing you with fire forever. Yes, I am somehow still considered the GOOD guy in this story.”

And then John sees the new Jerusalem. It’s a cube with each side being a length of 1,500 miles. And it’s gilded over in precious stones and metals like a Trump tower. The doors are never closed and everyone comes and goes as they please and God makes it his home.

But yeah… outside there are still billions of people that God is torturing with fire and they can’t come inside.

 

Chapter 22:

Then John sees the river of life coming from the throne of God and Jesus Christ. God’s planted some trees of Life next to the river and it bears different fruit every month and its leaves can heal. Evil and natural evils will no longer exist and you can go and see Jesus anytime you like.

“I’ll be back soon. I just need to go to the liquor store and get a pack of smokes,” Jesus says.

John tries to worship the angel who’s been guiding him, but the angel says, “Yeah, don’t do that. Jealous God and all, remember? Also, people don’t change and the end is near.”

Jesus says, “I’m coming back quickly and I’ll repay everyone according to their deeds. Make sure you’re on the right side of heaven’s gate, because seriously, yes, I’m going to torture everyone on the outside. I am the GOOD guy of this story.”

And everyone says, “Yes, Lord, return quickly.”

Also, if you add words to this book, God will smite you with all of the plagues of this book and if you take words away from this book, like say… by writing a blog where you summarize the bible… God is… going to take away your name from the book of life and torture you with fire forever. Well…shit… I guess I should have read the end of this bible thing first.

But grace to everyone. Amen.

And they all lived happily ever after, except for the people that God spent eternity torturing with fire. Amen.