Category Archives: The Bible

KC: Christians are the worst edition

Okay, people, now we’re going to finally get to the central conflict of the book, and my God is it stupid, manufactured, and pointless.

“Well, we don’t know,” Mrs. Risto said. “Ekaterina sounded rather upset, said Mr. Steele had called an emergency meeting of some little group of yours and asked her to be there.”

Kenny almost blurted the name of the Millennium Force, but he was surprised enough that Raymie would have invited Ekaterina. What in the world was up, and why hadn’t he heard directly from Raymie? Raymie knew that Kat knew about the Force, because Kenny had told him himself.

Yes, there’s an emergency meeting of the Jr. God Squad and no one told Kenny. So Kenny runs off to find out what’s going on.

On his way home, Kenny tried calling everyone, starting with Ekaterina. Her phone immediately went to her message system, as did Raymie’s and Bahira’s and Zaki’s. Finally, as he was entering his own house, Kenny reached his mother.

Chloe tells her son that she got a disturbing report about him, which she’s gotten now three disturbing reports from anonymous sources, two of which have been proven wrong, but we’ve got to treat this one like it could be real because pointless fucking drama.

She also won’t tell Kenny about what’s in the report, because Jenkins needs to save the big bombshell for later. So she promises to talk about it when she and Cameron come to visit him that night.

Kenny arrived to find them in the back room with, of all people, Qasim Marid. In an instant, Kenny knew something was terribly wrong. Raymie was pale and appeared grim. Zaki looked shell-shocked, as did Bahira. Qasim appeared stunned to see Kenny, but of course Kenny was most curious about Ekaterina. Her face was red, her eyes puffy. As soon as she saw him, she gathered up a sheaf of papers that appeared to be the same as everyone else’s and bolted from the restaurant.

Keep in mind that Qasim was excluded from their God Squad team and is now there happily giving them a report that they all believe. And what is that report? Well, we need to stretch it out more…

Kenny followed, but she was sprinting. “Kat!” he hollered. “Wait just a minute!”

She stopped and whirled, pointing at him. “I don’t want to talk to you, Kenneth Williams. I don’t ever want to see you again.”

He stepped closer. “Kat, wait. I deserve to know—”

“Don’t you dare!” she said. And she turned and kept going.

So Kat apparently has turned on Kenny. Enough so that she’s going to break up with him and never see him again and she won’t even tell him why? I wonder what she found out?

Kenny staggered back into the bistro and into the back room. “I want to know what’s going on,” he said. “And I want to know now.”

Bahira was the only person who would look at him. And she looked like death. “You’ve been found out is all,” she said.

“Found out?”

Raymie looked up. “We know where your true loyalties lie,” he said. “You can end the charade.”

Kenny plopped into the seat Kat had vacated. “I’m listening,” he said. “What are the charges?”

Raymie said sadly, “You can have my copy. I don’t need to see any more.” He slid it across to Kenny and stood. The others rose also. “Why don’t you look this over, and if there’s anything more to be said, well, you know where to find us.”

So, we’re not going to talk to you about it or hear your side of whatever this is. Instead, we’re going to instantly believe something horrible about you and judge you for it even before we do the bare bones of an investigation into it.

That… actually sounds like a Christian group.

But I would have expected that a glorified Christian zombie would be a bit more demonstrative of kindness, love, compassion, and justice.

Then again, I forget we’re dealing with Evangelical heaven, so those traits probably aren’t in play.

Anyway, you might wonder what’s going on? What has Kenny done that is so horrible? What piece of evidence do they have that they’re willing to accept and turn on a friend, a family member, and a lover?

A memo!


Yes, a memo!

First, Ignace, it was great to reunite with you and your brother despite the sad occasion of your cousin’s death. It had been too long, and communicating like this is never as good as in person, especially when we share such a bond.

I very much look forward to seeing you and Lothair in Paris and thank you in advance for making available to me the lovely Nicolette again. The nights can otherwise be lonely in a strange city, even one as beautiful as your capital.

You’ll be pleased to know that my parents remain wholly in the dark. It’s nice that they are so naïve. I don’t doubt their sincerity, but the blind devotion believing parents have in their offspring makes duping them so easy. My dull-witted mother remains convinced that I share her beliefs and points to the night she claims to have “led” me to Jesus. Well, Mom, you have to mean it if you pray that prayer.

I trust you got the personnel printout. My mother is making noises about putting locks on the doors; my access to her office won’t cross her mind this Millennium.

My uncle Raymie suspects nothing. I’m sure he was brought in on the Risto personnel matter, plus the later defaming note about yours truly. Imagine if they even dreamed I planted both those myself.

Rest assured your fears over the new girlfriend are unfounded. She’s no Nicolette, but she’s cute enough and more naïve than my mother. Her parents are homely, swarthy little people who worship the ground I walk on. Her father was apparently a spectacularly unremarkable tradesman, and her mother is basically a nondescript homebody. They will not be an issue. I may even go through with marrying this girl, which will only make my work for you at COT that much easier. She is in another department, which merely broadens my reach.

I’ll provide a virtual core dump of other vital information when I arrive. Keep Nicolette warm until I get there. I’ll see you soon.

Loyal to the Other Light forever,


Yes. They have a memo. Purported to be written by Kenny. And they automatically believe it. They are willing to believe that their friend, family member, and lover is a liar, a cheater, and a traitor without evidence, without proof, without a shred of backing documentation and they are willing to throw him away WITHOUT EVEN FUCKING TALKING TO HIM.

Jesus Christ, this is dumb. Who would do this? Who would turn on a friend based solely on one document that could be forged? ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU HAVE A KNOWN DOCUMENT FORGER HANGING AROUND HIS WORKPLACE WHO HAS ALREADY FORGED DOCUMENTS AGAINST YOU?

Kat, of all people, should have been the rational, understanding one. Instead, she’s the emotional stupid woman running off in tears. Christian Feminism, guys!

At this point, Kenny should swear off the lot of them. I mean, would you want to be friends with people who would automatically assume the worst of you without even talking to you? Would you want to hang out with family like that? Would you want a wife like that? Jesus, no.

Kenny was nauseated. Where did one begin to try to defend himself against such a detailed, devastating document?

Detailed? What the fuck? There’s no proof or evidence in the document. It says, “Neener neener, I’m really a bad guy! Christians are dumb Muahahahahah!”

I mean, these Christians are dumb, but still, that doesn’t count as evidence against him.

“Lord, You’re all I have left,” Kenny prayed as he headed toward home. “Please tell me You’re still here.”

He nearly wept with relief when he felt the peace only Jesus could give, but still Kenny had no idea how to dig himself out of this.

Gee, thanks, Lord. Maybe instead of giving me peace, you could telepathically tell my girlfriend and her friends to stop being GIGANTIC DICKWEEDS!

Sigh… but Jesus, like everyone else in this fucking book is an idiot, so this idiot plot will continue with the Other Light guys showing up, so Nicolette can kiss Kenny on the cheek and Lothair can take their picture.

Seriously, Kenny should be dumping Kat, Bahira, Zaki, and Raymie out of his life right now with a hearty, “Fuck you guys, you judgmental sanctimonious assholes.”


KC: Good is dumb edition

ASIDE FROM having been born in the old United States of America and carted about by his globe-trotting parents during the Tribulation, Kenny Bruce Williams had spent nearly all his ninety-seven-plus years in Israel. Others he knew, especially his extended family, loved to travel. But he had never seen the appeal of being away from the very country in which the King of kings and Lord of lords physically resided and presided.

Except Jesus is apparently squirreled away in the Temple and never leaves or makes a public appearance.

Also, despite spending 97 years growing up in Israel, Kenny is totally an American Evangelical. “Travel? Phppt. Why would I want to travel? All the best things are already here!”

None of the historical landmarks remained, of course, but attempts had been made to reproduce some of the more familiar—like the Eiffel Tower, the Louvre, and even some of the great cathedrals.

Just as a reminder that God, in His infinite love and temper tantrums, destroyed all of the priceless works of art in human history. You were hoping to finally get around to seeing the Mona Lisa? Fuck you, it’s gone. Sistine Chapel? Also, fuck you, it’s gone too.

On the plane with Ignace, Lothair, and Nicolette, Kenny for the first time became aware of the stares and glares of people—mostly naturals, some glorifieds—who must have recognized the alternative clothing of the TOLers for what it was.

Even in the Millennial Kingdom and the afterlife, Christians are judgmental assholes. Aren’t you looking forward to an eternity of that?

His pretend compatriots were rebels, misfits, outcasts.

You know, the people Jesus hung out with and ate with and drank wine with. But fuck that shit. They’re different and have different beliefs. Glare at them! Glare harder!

Kenny nodded. This couldn’t be worse. All he had intended with his little speech two days before was to allay their suspicions. He had done it so well he had inspired them to a better approach for recruiting. He sure didn’t want to be responsible for their amassing a higher class of dissidents.

Then maybe Kenny should have come right out and said, “I’m a Christian, but I’d still like to be your friend” instead of pretending to be Kenneth Bond Superspy.

Cameron and Chloe sat in the office, poring over employment records. “Strange,” Cameron said. “You realize that this Qasim Marid has been gone all three times we had the Bible heroes here.”

Chloe leaned to look at the records. “That’s some coincidence, Cam.”

“It’s got to be more than that. What are the odds? It’s almost like he doesn’t want to be here when they are. But who wouldn’t want to hear those guys?”

Yeah, it’s almost like the guy who was sexually harassing an employee right around the same time as we started to get forged letters about her and her new boyfriend might not be a super Christian. Should we look into that?

No, let’s talk about missing paperwork instead.

Abdullah was amused by Mudawar and Sarsour. For the first time since he had met them, they looked clean and tidy. Oh, Mudawar was still oily; it was as if he couldn’t help that.

Evil Arab is greasy. That’s racist.

Kenny and the Other Lighters arrive. Abdullah freaks out when he sees Kenny on a CCTV monitor and slips out of the building. Instead of assuming that Kenny is like him or, I don’t know, asking his all-knowing deity what’s going on, Abdullah assumes that Kenny has gone evil and phones Qasim to confim it, which Qasim does, of course, because seriously, he’s evil. Qasim tells Abdullah that Kenny has defected to Satan and he believes it because good is dumb.

Meanwhile, Kenny tells the Jordan crew to appeal to smart people since it’s obvious that none of the smart people are currently on the side of the Christians.

KC:Sunday School with a Murderer

WHEN DAVID, the king of Jerusalem and Jesus’ prince’

And murderer and rapist…

 strode onto COT property, Cameron buzzed Chloe and they rolled into action. Word spread quickly throughout the staff that it was time to round up all the kids and get them in place.

Truly all of the children need to hear from this great model for human behavior.

“Greetings, greetings,” David called out. “Thanks for inviting me and for your attention. I have a most busy rest of the day at the temple

Doing what exactly? What do all these assholes actually do?

 It begins when I was the same age as many of you.

Then I became a child soldier, fell in love with a prince, and had a homicidal king try to murder me constantly. Then I became an outlaw extorting protection money from local farmers. Then I betrayed my country and joined the Philistines. Then I slaughtered just a lot of innocent Gentile villages down to every man, woman, and child like you, stole their shit, and gave a portion to the king I took an oath to and lied to him about it coming from the Israelis. Then, after a series of extremely convenient murders (wink wink), I became King of Israel, where I continued to loot and plunder the lands around me until I raped a friend’s wife and had him murdered. But I digress…

Once our neighboring enemies, the Philistines, gathered their armies together for battle at Sochoh, which belonged to Judah. Saul and the men of Israel, including my brothers, were encamped in the Valley of Elah and drew up in battle array against the Philistines. Now picture this: the Philistines stood on a mountain on one side, and Israel stood on a mountain on the other side, with a valley between them.

“A champion came out from the camp of the Philistines, named Goliath, from Gath, whose height was six cubits and a span. You know from hearing Noah’s story how long a cubit is. Well, a span is about half a cubit, so in today’s measures, we would say Goliath was about nine feet nine inches tall.”

The children seemed to gasp as one.

David laughed. “Oh, believe me, I know how big he was, for I saw him, and I was still but a lad!

Funny story, Children. Actually, I didn’t see him at all. There was actually this guy named Elhanan. He was a tough solider and he killed Goliath. Yeah, I know. Somehow the story got attributed to me, but Elhanan did it. Seriously, if you read the story you all know, you can see that a lot of the details clash and don’t make much sense. But ancient scribes tried their best to reconcile the details, but I ended up with the legend of killing Goliath. You can see the truth in 2 Samuel 21:19. Now I know some of your bibles try to say that Elhanan killed the brother of Goliath, but that bit was added by a scribe almost 600-700 years after the fact in the Chronicles books.

Anyway, let’s just pretend that I did kill Goliath…

“Goliath cried out to the armies of Israel, ‘Why have you come out to line up for battle? Am I not a Philistine, and you the servants of Saul? Choose a man and let him come down to me. If he is able to kill me, then we will be your servants. But if I kill him, then you shall be our servants and serve us. I defy the armies of Israel this day; give me a man, that we may fight together.’

So you know this story. David’s dad sends him off to the army camp with supplies and David hears Goliath’s challenge. David decides to go kill Goliath. And everyone from the king on down says, “Yeah… okay, let’s bet our future and our freedom on a thirteen year old kid fighting a professional soldier almost twice his height.”

David kills Goliath with a sling and a stone and cuts off Goliath’s head with his own sword.

“I took the head of the Philistine and brought it to Jerusalem and presented it to Saul.”

This was not the grossest thing I presented to Saul as tribute. It was foreskins. Bags of foreskins. I handled a LOT of penises, kids.

“I have many stories I could tell,” he said, “of how King Saul eventually turned on me and hated me and tried to kill me. Of his son Jonathan, who became my best friend.

Yes, I did mean to do air quotes around “Best friend”. We were gay. Totally gay. Well, I was bi. He was gay.

Of the time when I sinned greatly against the Lord and was abject in my sorrow and repentance until He forgave me.

And killed my baby instead of me. And then God arranged to have ten of my wives raped in public. But he didn’t kill me. So I had that going for me.

I was eventually crowned king of Israel, and late in my reign it came to pass that I was dwelling in my house, and the Lord had given me rest from all my enemies.

Because my armies had killed them all, kids. No magic there. Just I was a brutal warlord who subdued every nation and tribe around me.

David wants to build a Temple of YHWH, but YHWH says, “Dude… you’re a killer. I can’t have that.”

“Haven’t you killed like billions of people, Lord?”

“Huh… you’re right. You’d be the perfect guy to build me a temple. But, uh… I guess have your son do it.”

”The one you didn’t kill?”

“Yeah… uh, the one I didn’t kill.”

“Then the Lord told Nathan of me, ‘Your house and your kingdom shall be established forever before you. Your throne shall be established forever*.’

*Forever should not mean forever. It means spiritually forever because we read the bible literally and reading it literally sometimes means we have to read it figuratively because what it literally says contradicts other passages in the bible, history, or archeology.

Haha… I mean, if we read the bible literally here than the… bible… would be… wrong… ha ha…? Oh, God, I’ve wasted my entire life on this bullshit.

“Now, children, I want you to rise, and I want to teach you the proper way to worship the Lord God of Hosts, Jehovah, Messiah.”

Strip down to your underwear and dance suggestively like I did!

And then David quotes a bunch of Psalms and apparates back to the Temple like some Harry Potter level shit there.

KC: The Idiot Plot Thickens…

KENNY HAD cleared several days off so he could complete his clandestine mission to Paris, but almost as soon as he got there he heard from Ekaterina, asking whether he could return and postpone his trip.

So Kenny is headed to Paris for really no good reason. Nothing comes of his trip. Nothing. He learns nothing. The Jr. God Squad learn nothing. There is no point to this excursion.

But despite learning from Kat that David is going to speak at the God’s School for Orphans He Made, Kenny is determined to drag this pointless bullshit out until Jerry Jenkins makes his page count, damn it!

“But I prayed about this, sweetheart. I know this is where God wants me…”

I know in this universe, God is real, but can I just tell you how many people I’ve known who were certain that God was speaking to them and telling them to do something and they did it and it exploded in their faces?

A lot.

That voice in your head, folks? That’s you. That’s not God. That’s not the Holy Spirit. That’s your brain talking to you.

Some of you might think you’re God, but no, it’s just your meat brain thinking stuff because of biochemical processes.

“Well, I’ll bet ol’ Qasim makes this one for sure.”

“Actually, he’s off the rest of this week too.”

You know, at this point, you’d think our idiot “heroes” would know that Qasim is compromised, but no. They have to carry the idiot ball further because we need pointless conflict, damn it.

So we’re back to Abdullah. This time he chats with Mudawar who is going to be visited by some higher ups on the Other Light organization. Abdullah offers to help clean the offices, but insists that he will be there when they arrive and suggests Mudawar paint the whole thing as his idea to contain the crazy Christian.

So Kenny finally meets with Lothair and Ignacio and we get some pointless spycraft bullshit before they start sharing their plans with him, which involves luring 30-60 year old “Kids” into parties and booze and drugs.

“You got a better idea?”

“Sure! Beat the believers at their own game. Raise up impressive, bright, humble young people who are a credit to society but who disagree about the future. Wouldn’t that be way more attractive to your potential recruits than thinking that this is all about getting away with illegal stuff?”

Lothair squinted at Kenny. “But how do you do that? How do you reach them? How do we make our side appealing?”

You don’t. Not in this universe.

“God is dead!”

“No, he’s not. He’s in Jerusalem.”

“Well, he’s a tyrant!”

“Yeah, but what choice do we have?”

“Fight Him!”

“Have you tried that?”


“Fighting God? Have you tried to kill any of the Christians or zombies?”


“But you’re assuming that some time in the next 900 years, you’ll invent a God killing weapon?”

“No… but there will be an army of us.”

“An army against an immortal army and an all powerful deity. What do you plan to do in the meantime?”

“Die at 100!”

“Die and go to God’s torture pit?”

“Yes! But when Satan wins, he’ll resurrect us!”

“So if you manage to pull off a miracle and kill an immortal army and an all powerful deity, then Satan becomes New God and you end up serving him forever?”


“Which is different from being a slave to a tyrant… how?”


“Get the fuck out.”

But our three idiots think Kenny makes sense.

The three sat as if thinking, and Ignace began to nod. “You may be on to something.

And they invite him to Jordan to meet the group there. I wonder if they’ll run into Abdullah! Awkward and unnecessary tension coming! Gasp!

KC: Manufactured Conflict, Damn It!

OVER THE next several days, Kenny vacillated between the thrill of his relationship with Ekaterina—they had both professed their love by now and had begun enjoying brief good-night kisses—and a dread over what he was going to do about communicating with Ignace and Lothair Jospin. There would soon be no more putting them off.

Ah, brief good-night kisses. Such passion. Such romance.

Also, let me solve your problem, Kenny.

“Dear Ignace and Lothair, you have dumb names. Seriously, they’re just so dumb. Also, I’m going to be expanding my Jesus Home for Orphans Jesus Made into France to oppose you. Lulz.”

But artificial conflict is conflict, damn it!

He had an idea, a fun one he thought Ekaterina would love, but also one that might help him find valuable counsel. He wanted to update Bruce Barnes, his parents’ old friend, on him and Kat and see if he was willing to officiate at their wedding someday.

Evangelical relationships. From “God told me to date you” to “Let’s get married and have sex!” in three… maybe four weeks tops.

Or as we used to call it: “Bible college.”

Chloe was troubled.

That she married an idiot? That she was devoid of free will and a puppet to an all-powerful being that tortured people? That God tortured people?

But that day her in-box had brought another upsetting note. Unsigned, of course.

If only there was an all-knowing deity that you had a psychic connection with. But I’m going to go with God as the author insert. God knows exactly who wrote the notes, but is forcing Chloe to act out her part in the play to entertain himself.

This note read: Kenneth B. Williams is your culprit in the Risto personnel matter.

Great. Throw it away. Or better yet, have the God Cops come in and dust for fingerprints.

God cop.  All God. All cop.

Let’s check in with Abdullah in a plot that at least has something to do with trying to save people from Turbo Vengeance Jesus.

It felt weird to Abdullah to be strolling to “work” every day with a portfolio full of papers and his Bible, setting up shop, as he liked to call it, in the enemy’s lair. It violated every boundary of logic he had ever been aware of, and yet God knew. His ways are not our ways, Abdullah reminded himself.

For example, my ways would not have included Pediatric Cancer and Hell. In that way, I’m better than God.

Mudawar himself had actually been consulting Abdullah almost daily. Despite Mudawar’s appearing to take out his impatience and frustration on Sarsour, he seemed to treat Abdullah with more and more deference. Gone was the sarcastic tone and the ridicule. Often he would ask earnestly, “If I wrote something like this about God, would believers say I was wrong or unfair, or would they just be bothered because they don’t understand Him either?”

Abdullah would study the paragraph and at times even feel led to advise Mudawar how to better frame his argument against God.


Now, you might be tempted to think that as Abdullah is exposed to different ideas and thinks them through, that he might come to see Mudawar’s point a bit and even have an internal dialog with God about the good arguments the Other Light folks are making.

But you’d be wrong.

We’re not going to engage the argument, we’re going to avoid it.

But Abdullah felt God compel him to love the man as Jesus would. No argument of man could besmirch the name of the Lord.

And I think the book is poorer for it. These are some of the more difficult questions that Christians should wrestle with. They should look at their discomfort of “Hell” and question it. They should look at their discomfort with the idea of having to choose between being a slave to God or a slave to Satan.

But they don’t. And so we move on in the narrative.

Abdullah is being nice to the Satanists. He’s buying them their favorite coffee. He’s buying them their favorite hummus, which Jenkins helpfully explains to his readership that thinks Chipotle qualifies as “ethnic food.”

Abdullah continues to woo Sarsour with his tales from the Rapture.

Meanwhile, Chloe decides to show the new letter to Kenny.

Kenny, meanwhile, gets a call from Bruce while he’s with Kat. He gives her a half-truth that he just wanted to talk to Bruce about infiltrating the Jospins, which seems like a big no-no here in Jesusland.

That night Raymie called a meeting of the Millennium Force, and it was clear Zaki was not happy. “You still pining over your buddy?” Raymie said. “I don’t get it. All of us except Kenny here have glorified minds, and you’re still obsessing over what I had to say to Qasim.”

Yeah, I don’t get it either. You’re glorified. Which means you should be sinless and incapable of sin. You should be as foreign to us humans as an alien species would be. But you’re just as screwed up as Kenny and the non-zombies.

I’m starting to think that Jenkins and LaHaye haven’t really thought their afterlife through.

They want perfect humans, but perfect humans cannot have conflicts, so they treat their perfected humans like actual humans and manufacture conflict.

It’s shit writing is what I’m saying.

But after months of meeting in committee talking about maybe they should do something, maybe they shouldn’t, they realize that we’re more than halfway through this fucking book and tell Kenny to go play superspy even though they already know about the Other Light and what they’re trying to do.

I mean, it would be one thing to send Kenny in and get a list of names of people that they could reach out to from the Other Light, but they’re not going to do that.

Back over to Abdullah so we can learn that Mudawar doesn’t want him around when other Other Light people drop by to visit.

“Kenny,” Chloe said, “I decided to call both of you in because I know you’ll tell Ekaterina anyway.”

He and Kat looked at each other. “Tell her what?”

Chloe spun the note on her desk so both could read it.

Ekaterina said, “Oh, for the love . . .”

“Good grief, Mom. Really, why do you even waste your time on stuff like this? You know how ridiculous this is. I’m in love with this woman and plan to marry her. I would no more do her harm than I would harm myself!”

Okay, so we’ve got the second note with a false accusation and everyone agrees it’s totally ridiculous and they shouldn’t pay any attention to it.

You should keep this in mind because the… I don’t know… central conflict of the book is coming soon and is just as much bullshit, but everyone goes with it, because manufactured conflict, damn it!

KC: Killing in the name of Love edition

Joshua and Caleb arrive and Cameron has the kids say a bible verse.

Cameron cued the kids, and from thousands of young voices came: “ ‘The Lord’s anger was aroused on that day, and He swore an oath, saying, “Surely none of the men who came up from Egypt, from twenty years old and above, shall see the land of which I swore to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, because they have not wholly followed Me, except Caleb the son of Jephunneh, the Kenizzite, and Joshua the son of Nun, for they have wholly followed the Lord.”’ ”

Ah, the warm fuzzy love of God. Buckle up, because a lot more of that love is coming our way.

“Joshua and I were born in Egypt, while our parents and all the children of Israel were slaves.

Because God forced them to go there to be slaves.

Joshua and I experienced everything the rest of our tribes went through in the wilderness after escaping. Joshua proved to be a mighty man of valor, serving as a commander in the great war against the Amalekites.

That would be the war where God played a fun little game with the Israelites where they would lose the battle and be killed if Moses couldn’t hold up his hands to God.

Television hadn’t been invented back then and God really wanted some good quality entertainment.

“One day the Lord spoke to Moses, saying, ‘Send men to spy out the land of Canaan, which I am giving to the children of Israel; from each tribe of their fathers you shall send a man, every one a leader among them.’

Excuse me. Why did God, the all-knowing and omnipresent, need to send in spies? Couldn’t God just tell Moses where to go and attack?

I’m starting to think God set you up to take a fall.

“We finally returned from spying out the land after forty days, bringing back word to Moses and his brother, Aaron, and all the congregation of the children of Israel, and we showed them the fruit of the land. We told Moses in front of all the others, ‘The land where you sent us truly flows with milk and honey, and this is its fruit. Nevertheless the people who dwell in the land are strong; the cities are fortified and very large.’

Uh… guys… maybe let’s not share the Intelligence briefing with the entire nation?

But all the congregation lifted up their voices and cried, and the people wept that night. And all the children of Israel complained against Moses and Aaron, and the whole congregation said to them, ‘If only we had died in the land of Egypt! Or if only we had died in this wilderness! Why has the Lord brought us to this land to fall by the sword, that our wives and children should become victims? Would it not be better for us to return to Egypt?’

“So they said to one another, ‘Let us select a leader and return to Egypt.’

Egypt’s not there, man. God killed it like 50 times over according to the Exodus story.

But Josh and Caleb try to calm them and the mob turns on them.

“Then the Lord said to Moses: ‘How long will these people reject Me? And how long will they not believe Me, with all the signs which I have performed among them? I will strike them with the pestilence and disinherit them, and I will make of you a nation greater and mightier than they.’

I’m going to kill them all, says the Lord.

Yes, because they were fearful, God wants to murder them all. And this is seen as a good and just thing for God to do.

But Moses talks God out of going full Hitler by appealing to God’s vanity. Yes, he appeals to God’s vanity.

“ ‘Now if You kill these people, then the nations which have heard of Your fame will speak, saying, “Because the Lord was not able to bring this people to the land which He swore to give them, therefore He killed them in the wilderness.” ’

Now, God, if you go full Hitler, then all of the other nations are going to talk shit about you and think you’re too weak to kill all the Canaanites and give their land to the Jews.

So God thinks about that, “Yes, it would suck to have all the nations on Earth talk shit about me. Okay, go wander around in the wilderness for forty years until they’re all dead and I’ll give the land to their kids.”

So we fast forward forty years and Josh is in command now and God has to give him a pep talk. And all of Israel says, “Yep, you’re our new leader and we’ll kill anyone who says otherwise.”

“Joshua sent out two men to spy secretly on Jericho. So they went and came to the house of a harlot named Rahab

Also, they came at the house of a harlot named Rahab. Several times.

Rahab helps the spies escape her king’s soldiers in exchange for the promise that the Jews won’t kill her and her family.

This is one of those situational ethics scenarios for Christians. You see, Rahab has just committed treason. She has condemned her entire city to death in exchange for mercy for her and her family.  She, in effect, has sold her neighbors and countrymen out to the enemy. But this is seen as a good thing because that enemy was supposedly commanded by God to kill them all.

If you really want to see some intellectual gymnastics ask about Benedict Arnold who tries to sell the Revolutionaries out to the British and point out that the British were technically the legitimate government of the American colonies and the Revolutionaries were rebelling against the government that God had ordained for them.

Bible ethics are fun.

God stops the river Jordan and lets the Jews cross over to Jericho.

“I called the priests together and told them what the Lord had told me. And I instructed the people, ‘Proceed, and march around the city, and let him who is armed advance before the ark of the Lord. You shall not shout, nor shall a word proceed out of your mouth, until the day I say to you, “Shout!” Then you shall shout.’

“So I had the ark of the Lord circle the city, going around it once. Then we came into the camp and lodged. And I rose early in the morning, and the second day did the same thing. We did this every day for six days as the Lord had commanded.

“Well, you know what happened next, so perhaps my friend and I should leave now?”

The children leaped to their feet, crying, “No! No! Stay and tell the rest!”

Tell us the best part where you killed everyone! Woo!

Joshua smiled broadly and signaled them to sit and be quiet. “All right, you persuaded me. On the seventh day we rose about dawn and marched around the city, only this day we circled it seven times. On the seventh time around, when the priests blew their trumpets, I said to the people, ‘Shout, for the Lord has given you the city! The city shall be doomed by the Lord to destruction, it and all who are in it. Only Rahab the harlot shall live, she and all who are with her in the house, because she hid the messengers that we sent. All the silver and gold and vessels of bronze and iron are consecrated to the Lord and shall come into His treasury.’

“So when the people heard the sound of the trumpet, they shouted with a great shout, and the wall fell down flat.”

The children were cheering again.

“Then we marched straight in and took the city as the Lord had commanded. We utterly destroyed it and everything in it with the edge of the sword and with fire, protecting only the harlot, who had been faithful to the Lord, and her family.”

And not just the men… but the women… and children too. Some younger than you. Didn’t matter. Swords pierce the flesh of the young and innocent just as well as they do the flesh of the older and guiltier.

“Ah, I remember the screams of the mothers as we dashed the heads of the little ones on the rocks. Ha ha… so much blood.”

“Brains too,” Caleb said. “Don’t forget the brains.”

“I couldn’t. Some of them were stuck in my sandals for a week.”

“Hey, you remember how many puppies you stabbed?”


And then the speech is over and the two Bible characters leave.

He was most impressed, however, with children who had deduced that the Commander of the Lord’s army was Jesus Himself. One little boy said, “Mr. Williams, I want to be in Jesus’ army.”

Mr. Williams, I want to kill for Jesus too! Can I please kill for Jesus?

“Oh, don’t you realize,” Kenny said, “He accepts only those who trust Him for forgiveness of their sins and for salvation?”

“No, Billy, you can’t kill for Jesus unless you acknowledge that you deserve to be tortured forever because you were born.”

“I will.”

“You will? How will you do that?”

“I’ll tell Him.”

“Right now?”

“Can I?”

“Yes, and you don’t even have to travel to the temple. Just pray to Him and tell Him that you know you are a sinner and that you want His forgiveness. Then ask Him to be your Savior and thank Him for dying on the cross for your sins…”

Then Billy organized a militia and went forth to slay the heathens and the Other Light cultists in Jesus’ name.

We flip back to Abdullah who is hanging out in the offices of the Other Light cell with one of them named Sarsour.

Finally Sarsour sat. Abdullah slid his Bible and his papers to the side and looked at him expectantly.

“You really believe this stuff, huh?” Sarsour said.

Well, I wasn’t going to, but then you know, God raptured all of the White Evangelical Christians and then showed up on Earth with a horde of zombie Christians and it was impossible not to believe, you know?

“’Course I don’t. I’m a TOLer.”

“Your parents have to be believers.”

“Yeah. But it’s not for me. They tried to raise me in it, but as soon as I started reading other stuff and talking to other people, I realized the Bible isn’t the only idea.”

It’s literally the only idea now. God is physically on the Earth, Dude.

Sarsour shrugged. “It’s like He’s head of the occupying army. We’re the resistance, that’s all. The rebels.”

“And you don’t feel destined to lose in the end?”

“We’re outnumbered. We’re the outcasts, the rejects, the dregs. But we won’t give up hope until it’s all over. And then we’ll see who wins.”

“Your compatriots, the ones who reach one hundred, are dying every day.”

“I know.”

“Do you know of any exceptions?”


“And that doesn’t tell you anything?”

“It just proves God isn’t who He says He is.”

“How do you figure?”

“He’s mean and unloving and unforgiving, violent and judgmental. Disagree and you get killed.”

Good point. A very good point. You’d think a God who was concerned about people being lost and going to hell would be doing more to convince them otherwise instead of just casually killing them off once they reach adulthood.

And if you expect this very good point to get an answer, then fuck you.


KC: Nothing much continues to happen…

Abdullah goes to visit the offices of the Other Light in Jordan and knocks on their front door.

Meanwhile, Chloe it super excited to hear the tales of genocide from Joshua and Caleb.

No one wants to answer the door, but Abdullah talks them into it.

“This is getting old and boring,” Mudawar said. “We have been dragged before the judges before, even threatened to be deported to Israel for an audience with one of the apostles. We pled for the freedom to exercise our own free will and pledged to lie low. Have we not been lying low enough, or have your superiors not kept you up to date on our file?”

“My superior is the Lord Christ Himself.”

If only Jesus could appear himself and have a talk with… sigh…

They go back and forth, but Abdullah talks them into giving him an office and letting him be their resident chaplain.

 “So the big boss has assigned you to torment us, eh?”

“No, actually to love you.”

“To love us. This from the same God who vaporized two earnest, sincere opponents in Egypt, just because they didn’t get in line with all the other sheep who trekked to Jerusalem for the—”

“Osaze, you mean.”

“You call it what you will. It will always be Egypt to me…This is the same God who slew millions, if the stories of the Old Testament can be believed.”

Hey, look at that! A good point. One that won’t be answered.

When I was a young man, younger than you, my problem was that I thought all the dire warnings of God’s judgment were wrong, because all I had heard about Jesus was that He was kind and loving and a pacifist, turning the other cheek, preaching the Golden Rule. Then came the end of His patience and mercy, His people were swept off to heaven, and He spent the next seven years trying to get man’s attention and persuade him that God was not willing that any should perish but that all should come to repentance. And now, here you are, a hundred years later, unable to accept His love.”

God loves you so much, he will beat the shit out of you if you don’t love him back to convince you to love him. It’s for your own good.

Yes, the whole “God is getting your attention” ‘reason’ is nothing more than a justification for abuse.

“Oh, but there is,” Abdullah said. “He is loving and full of grace, but he is also perfect and just.”

How hell is “just” is not explained in this book. It just assumes it is.

And that’s the end of the chapter. For some reason, the Other Light gang have him set up in one of their rooms.

10 Gift Ideas for Christians in your life that you hate…

I was surfing around online and came across a Christian gift idea so stunningly awful that it sent me down the rabbit hole of unintentionally funny or bad Christian gifts. So to help you with your holiday shopping for your devout Christian friends and family, I’d like to present to you my holiday gift guide for Christians in your life that you hate.

Finally, a holiday gift for the Evangelical Christian who is also a massive Sons of Anarchy fan in your life:



I hope your game at getting into heaven is better than your game on the court, son, or you will get REJECTED again!

basketball Jesus

Speaking of “Sports fan Jesus,” do you know what a 1st century Judean rabbi who lived in a desert his entire life would be super good at? HOCKEY!

hockey jesus

Continuing on the Sports theme, did you ever want a picture of ‘roided up Jesus pinning 19th century philosopher Karl Marx? You do nowMMAJesus


Continuing on with bad T-shirts, is this gem:

hentai jesus

Which I almost feel bad making fun of it, because I can just imagine it’s the product of some desperate wife out there saying, “Honey, I love Macross and Dragon Ball Z too, but you have to stop looking at tentacle porn! How can I compete with a 14 year-old Japanese schoolgirl with 44DDD breasts being raped by a tentacle monster?”

Also, obvious joke, “In Japan, Jesus always comes first…” is obvious.

And in more sex ideas, as if sex between two guilt ridden virgins who had been trained to think of sex as evil their entire lives wasn’t awkward enough, here’s a constant reminder that each time you do it with your spouse, it’s always a threesome because Jesus is there.


He’s watching you guys. He knows where you’ve asked Sarah to stick that dildo, Bob… Marriage takes three…

And if you needed another reminder, Ghost Jesus is watching you masturbate.


If you travel North, you’ll find Superman and Santa and Jesus.


The Lord might be my strength, but this is my knife. There are many like it, but this one is mine…


Are you a Christian who wants to let everyone know that you haven’t actually read the words of Jesus Christ?

Look no further than this gem of a coffee mug:



I hope that helps with your Christmas shopping, everyone.

KC: Seriously, f*** this book edition

So Chloe can’t get anyone to cop to writing the falsified report about Kat, so she decides to drop it.

She called in Mattie Cleveland and suggested they just chalk up the crisis, such as it was, to an ill-conceived prank and let it die.

If only there were some omniscient and omnipresent deity who you could telepathically communicate with… then you could solve this problem.

Seriously, I’m beginning to think that God doesn’t exist in this universe.

“Whatever you say, Chloe. I agree we need to get on with what we’re here for. I will say this: Qasim has been particularly solicitous ever since this started getting around.”

“The one who’s been so annoying to Ekaterina?”

“He’s really cleaned up his act. He leaves her alone, and he has been much more helpful to me lately. Qasim has even commiserated with me over this mess.”

“But I didn’t even interview him. What does he know about it?”

She didn’t even interview the guy who was sexually harassing an employee who was the subject of a falsified slanderous report?

What. The. Fuck?

I realize that Chloe’s education was cut short by Jesus destroying the world and human civilization and she’s not Sherlock Holmes, but Jesus, dude… you expect me to believe that she wasn’t even curious about interviewing the guy who was harassing the employee who was the subject of that slanderous report?

And now he’s acting all helpful and innocent and they’re still like, “Seems legit to me!”

Sigh. Evil deserves to win, because good is dumb.

Meanwhile, Abdullah is off to see the local chapter of the Other Light and Kenny and Raymie (god, I hate that name) meet to chat about the important business of the Junior God Squad.

“Just a few items,” Kenny said. “I want to know where things stand with Qasim. I want to know what you think I should do about the persistence of the Jospins. And we need to talk about Ekaterina.”

Raymie says he told Qasim to beat it and Qasim got butthurt. Now Zaki is unhappy, and Jesus Christ, this is high school drama bullshit. Fuck this book.

Kenny smiled. “Kat and I have speculated on what might have become of you two—as a couple, I mean—if you were naturals.”

Raymie shook his head and looked away. “I have wondered the same. As has she. We can talk about it openly because it is so far from the realm of possibility. It’s strange that we admire and respect and truly love each other so deeply, and yet the idea of romance never enters the picture. We’re simply not wired that way anymore. That allows us to spend a lot of time together, really as brother and sister, worshiping, praying, studying, planning. I can’t tell you how rewarding it is.”

“And I can’t tell you how much fun it is to have someone like that in my life,” Kenny said, “plus adding the romance to it.”

“I’m happy for you. I really am.”

Once again, we’re forced to consider the contradictory messages that marriage and romance are both somehow wonderful and sacred and yet also unimportant and a distraction. And we’re forced to do this because the bible says both. And our authors cannot admit that the bible contradicts itself and thus are trying to reconcile how a and not-a can both be true.

Marriage is a wonderful, sacred partnership between two souls and once you’re died and zombified, God fundamentally alters you to make you less human and unable to love another human being in that way.


Kenny tells his uncle that he’s been talking with Kat about his Jr. God Squad stuff and Raymie says, “Gotta be careful. What if it doesn’t work out?”

Then it doesn’t work out. Do you think Kat would suddenly run over to the Other Light assholes and say, “Kenny is a spy!” How petty do you think she is?

Still, this pressure from Ignace and now Lothair to, in essence, put up or shut up weighs too heavily on me not to talk about it to the woman I love. She would be able to tell something was on my mind anyway, and it’s not fair to her to keep it from her.”

“And I gather that you haven’t—kept it from her, I mean.”

“No, I haven’t.”

“And what is she saying?”

“Kat thinks I should pursue it, do it right, and—unlike Qasim—act under the authority of the Force. In other words, make sure everybody knows what I’m doing so they can pray for me, keep track of me, and give advice.”

Again, why? Why does anyone need to be a spy when you already have the information you have.

Why does anyone need to be a spy when Jesus Christ is supposed to be here on Earth and knows everything already anyway and should be able to Charles Xavier you commands about what you should be doing ?

Why are there any fucking questions or confusion about any of this?

Where the hell is Jesus in this Kingdom of Jesus?

What’re you thinking, that you would visit them in France?”

“That or start feeding them bogus information. Just enough to keep them on the string.”

“I don’t know,” Raymie said, sighing. “If our goal is not to win them over, what is it?”

We are more than halfway through this book and you assholes don’t even know what goals your “secret” club should have?


They rose to start heading back to work. Kenny said, “All I know is that if I don’t start playing their game soon, they’re going to know I’m not on their side. Maybe that’s not all bad. I can stick to what I know and what I believe I’m supposed to be doing—reaching the children right here.”

Yeah, that seems important. Also, I love it when a character points out that their entire “plot” is bullshit.

Or maybe you should go to France and open up a new chapter of Jesus’ home for orphans whose parents he murdered and other children.


Abdullah spends two more sections preparing to go see the local chapter of the Other Light.

The priest Yorik shows up and says, “Joshua and Caleb are going to visit the kids tomorrow.”

And Qasim talks to Kenny and says, “No, I am TOTALLY NOT a spy. NOT a spy at all.”

Have I mentioned how much I hate this book?

KC: F*** this book edition

The following day, Chloe asks her son Kenny and Kat to drop by.

Bahira, Abdullah’s daughter, was with them. “I’ve just met Kenny’s Kat,” she said. “And I approve.”

Ekaterina looked shocked, and Kenny said, “Bahira! First off, she’s not mine. And second, there’s nothing to approve.”

Kenny is right, of course. Kat doesn’t become his official property until after he pays her father the dowry and her father transfers ownership over to him.

“Ekaterina, how goes your new role?”

“We’re still trying to figure out how it’s going to work, and a certain someone seems very jealous that I seem to have my own agenda, but Mattie is keeping him away from me, as promised.”

So, they’ve made adjustments and they’ve gotten the sexual harasser to knock it off. Problem solved, right?

Oh, no, they haven’t victim blamed Kat yet. That shameless hussy needs to feel some shame because otherwise young Christian girls reading this might think it’s okay to go out to chaste dinner dates with young Christian men.

Fuck this book.

“You know, Bahira,” Chloe said, “it’s actually good that you’re here for this, because this is an awkward meeting. Back before the millennial kingdom, had Kenny’s father and I not gone to heaven, I can imagine having a meeting like this, probably when Kenny reached junior high school or so. I hear all sorts of gossip and talk and who said what about whose boyfriend or girlfriend, and it strikes me that it’s so juvenile for such a time as this. Scripture says that you all are to be considered children until you reach age one hundred, but because you’re twice as old now as my parents were when I died . . . I don’t know; I guess I expect you to be more mature.”

Isn’t Bahira also a Jesus zombie? Wouldn’t she have the magic Jesus zombie juice and be just as mature and connected to Jesus as Chloe? Why are you including her in this little tirade?

Second, this is not Jr. High drama. This is one of your employees sexually harassing another employee and you’re blaming the victim. They went out once. He got obnoxious and sexually harassed her. It’s his fault for not getting the message. Instead of talking to Kat and Kenny, you should be tearing Qasim a new one.

But no, it’s Kat’s fault for being a regular human woman and Kenny’s fault because he discovered new boner feelings in his pants recently.

Also, no one outside your little evangelical bubble ever says, “for such a time as these…” That’s bullshit. Christianese bullshit and it has no place in a literary work. Good day, sirs.

“It’s all of you,” Chloe said. “Ekaterina is the only one still living with her parents, but you’re all old enough to be on your own. It just doesn’t seem like you’re acting it. Shouldn’t we be above all this petty stuff now that we’re living in a time when Jesus is reigning over His millennial kingdom?”

This petty stuff being sexual harassment. Sure, Kat, you didn’t ask for this, but shouldn’t you be above it? Maybe wear a longer skirt.

Fucking rape apology bullshit, man.

“Maybe my brother should be here,” Bahira said. “It was his trying to bring Qasim into the Millennium Force that started a lot of this. Everybody knew it was wrong. Raymie hasn’t been happy about it.”

“Where do you think I’ve been getting my information?” Chloe said. “I’m grateful my brother trusts me enough to confide in me, but I confess he’d not likely be happy to know that I have taken this into my own hands…”

Jesus Christ, how do these Jesus zombies work? I thought you were supposed to have all knowledge and be completely sinless? Why would Raymie through a temper tantrum because Chloe got involved in his business?

Your afterlife is bad and you should feel bad.

“And Bahira, he thinks the world of you.”

“I love him too, you know, in the way that those we met in heaven love each other. Without complication.”

Sex is of the devil! Intimacy is of the devil!

I can’t imagine why so many Christians have really fucked up ideas about sex.

“And that’s the way it should be. Our lives now should be filled with praising and worshiping Jesus

Because a self-sufficient God really needs you to keep blowing his dick apparently.

And if you’re going to have a Millennium Force that mirrors the old Tribulation Force, it needs to be single-minded too. We had one goal, one mission, and that was to thwart Antichrist as best we could by what?”

They all looked blank.

“Come on; did I surprise you with a rhetorical question, or do you really not know? Kenny, I must have bored you to death with this over the last century.”

“By adding as many people to the family of God as you could.”

Well, then maybe you should all be out preaching in nightclubs now instead of… oh, fuck it.

Meanwhile, let’s jump back over to fucking Abdullah who is startled by a knock on his door and fuck it, it’s just Qasim.

Abdullah looked to Yasmine, who signaled him to open the door. She immediately rose to get them something to eat and drink.

Once again, your afterlife, ladies, is to live in a sexless world where you serve men.

Anyway, Qasim is here to exposition to Abdullah about the Other Light people in Jordan. Yeah, that’s it.

Kenny found himself confiding more and more in Ekaterina. She had taken well his mother’s admonitions and proved more than spiritually mature in her response. Nightly now they spent hours together, talking until it was time to go to their respective homes. They told each other every detail of their lives they could remember. Kenny wasn’t entirely sure where Ekaterina’s heart was, but she had stolen his. He prayed his love for her would not interfere with his devotion to Christ, and that was the subject of his nearly constant prayer.

So constant shame, anxiety, and prayers of repentance.

This is perfectly normal and can only be healthy for your relationship.

Also, Kat has now accepted the fact that her sexual harassment is her fault.

This is also perfectly healthy.

Fuck this book.

Kenny gets a letter from the Jospins and are we still going on with this bullshit? Didn’t your mom just say that the work you should be doing is to get more people to say the magic Jesus words? Why the fuck are you still going on with this pointless idea to play superspy? You have their manifesto. You know the future. Shouldn’t you just be doing what you’re doing with the kids and making sure they say the magic Jesus words?

Seriously, fuck this book.

Blah, blah, blah, be a spy for us, the Jospins say. We can fly you Paris if you want to meet.

No, really… fuck this book.