The revelation of Jesus Christ given by an angel to me, John. Happy is the person who reads and listens to this book because Jesus will be back any day now. Yep… any day now…
To the seven churches, grace and peace to you from God and Jesus Christ who will be returning soon. Again… just went out for a pack of smokes. He’ll be back.
“I am the A and the Z,” says the Lord. “I am, I was, I will be, the All-powerful. And don’t ask me to make any rocks that I can’t lift, because it’s not funny anymore.”
I was exiled to the island of Patmos when I was in the Spirit one Sunday. (Spirit is what I call the local mushrooms.) And I heard a loud voice say, “Write what you see and send it to Ephesus, Smyrna, Pergamum, Thyatira, Sardis, Philadelphia (“Yo, Adrian!”), and Laodicea.”
Then I turned to look at the voice speaking to me. There were seven golden lamps on golden lampstands, and in the middle of those stood a man with a robe that went down to his feet. He wore a gold sash, his hair and beard were white, his eyes were glowing orange like fire, his feet were glowing bronze and his voice sounded like crashing waves on a beach. He held seven stars in his right hand and had a sword coming out of his mouth. Yes, it’s Sword-Mouth Jesus now with spring-loaded action. Available at Toys-R-Us.
I fell down and he touched me and said, “Fear not. I am the first and the last, the living one. I was dead, but I got better. I have the keys of death and Hades. Write what you see: the things that were, are, and will be. The seven stars are the angels of the seven churches which are the lampstands.”
To Ephesus, write:
“Hi, it’s Jesus. I’m aware of your good works. You hate the wicked and give out good theology tests to prospective prophets, but you guys just don’t love me like you used to anymore. So start loving me more or else I’ll shut down your church. If you endure, you can have a snack from the tree of Life.”
To Smyrna write:
Hey, it’s Jesus, guys.
I know you’re having a hard time being poor and hated by those devil Jews, but don’t fear what you’re going to suffer. Things are going to suck for ten days and you may end up dead or in prison, but if you endure, you can earn a crown of life and avoid my torturing you for all eternity.
I’ve got a sword coming out of my mouth.
Look, I know you guys live in Satan’s living room and you guys have been super faithful even when they were killing you, but I’m not happy about your guys eating meat offered to idols. (“Paul said it was sort of okay.” “Well, if Paul said to jump off a bridge, would you?”) You guys are also still sort of banging the temple prostitutes. Also, you guys are embracing the teachings of the Nicolaitans. So cut that out or I’ll use my sword mouth on you.
I’ve got glowy eyes and hot bronze feet.
You guys are doing well, but you’re tolerating Jezebel. She’s teaching me to have unauthorized sex and eat meat sacrificed to idols.
“I don’t care what Paul says. Does Paul have glowy eyes and burning bronze feet?”
“Alright then… Tell Jezebel I’m going to kill her, her kids, and her followers with disease and the rest of you keep being Christians until I arrive and I’ll make you kings and princes over the nations. I’ll also give you the morning star. Might be kind of hard to hold a star in your right hand, but I’ll give it to you.”
You guys are dead. So pretty much do the opposite of what you’ve been doing. I mean, there are a few of you that are doing okay. Those guys will be dressed in white robes and will get into heaven.
I open and shut doors.
I’m opening a door for you guys. You guys have held fast despite the opposition of the devil Jews. So I’m going to make them bow and grovel at your feet so you know I love you.
Because you’ve been faithful, I will keep you from the hour of testing coming upon the entire world. I’m coming back from the liquor store quickly guys, so Keep the faith. If you do, I’ll make you a pillar in my temple and write God’s name on you and give you a sweet Jerusalem Tattoo.
You guys make me spew. You think you’re rich, but your wretched, poor, miserable, blind, and naked, so repent and come to me for true riches and healing. I stand at the door and knock, if you guys answer, I’ll come in and eat with you. If you endure, I will let you sit next to me in heaven.