Still have the zombie eye too. Life is fun.
Pretty sure I’m patient zero for the zombie apocalypse virus, so no updates from Capt. Torres today.
Today, we celebrate and honor Abraham Lincoln, our sixteenth president.
Lincoln was a Republican back in the days before the Republican Party became the party of Neo-Confederates and started appealing to Nazis. In fact, perhaps rather awkwardly for today’s Alt-Right minions, all those statues of traitors they defend today? Yeah, good ol’ Abe was the man responsible for turning those bastards into losers.
So, for no reason, I offer up this quote:
“Elections belong to the people. It’s their decision. If they decide to turn their back on the fire and burn their behinds, then they will just have to sit on their blisters.” -Abraham Lincoln
Don’t outlaw the good things God has said are okay and don’t attack without being attacked. God hates aggressors.
Remember God and enjoy the food you can eat. Middle Eastern food is awesome so I will. But I’m still going to enjoy bacon.
If you make an oath in the spur of the moment, God’s cool if you don’t fulfill it. But if you make a serious oath, you have to do it or feed ten poor people the same stuff you feed your family, or give them some new clothes, or free a slave. If you can’t afford to do that, you have to fast for three days.
You can’t drink. (I’m out.)
You can’t gamble.
You obviously can’t worship idols.
And you can’t use divination.
Drinking and gambling create strife, so knock it off.
God’s going to overlook it if you eat bacon as long as you’re pious and charitable.
If you’re on pilgrimage, you can’t hunt animals. If you kill an animal, then you have to give up one of your own animals in exchange or feed the needy or fast. God will overlook your past, but will totally smite you with fire forever if you keep screwing up.
Ah, but you can fish on pilgrimage.
Don’t ask about thinks that would bother you if I told you about them. Probably little things like why a loving compassionate God allows pediatric cancer to exist. But if you ask about things before the entre Quran is revealed, that Mohammed will overlook your impertinence.
If you’re near death, make sure you get two guys to swear to be your executors. Do it after the daily prayers. And get two more guys to be your backups in case the first two guys are lying jerks.
At the end of the age, God will ask the prophets what response they were given. They’ll say, “We don’t know anything, you know everything.”
Then God addresses Jesus and says, “Hey remember when I was with you when you were alive. And you made a bird out of clay (didn’t happen) and breathed life into it because of me and healed people because of me and raised people from the dead because of me, but I made the Jews not believe in you.
“Then I gave you disciples and they asked you to conjure up a feast for them. But you said, “Have faith in God.” But they were insistent, so God said, “Fine, I’ll make you guys lunch. But if anyone stops believing in me afterwards, I’m going to-“
“Set us on fire forever. We KNOW.”
And then God says, “Jesus, did you tell these people you were God?” (Depends on what gospel you read.)
“Of course not!” Jesus will say. “But you know, maybe forgive my errant followers to show how awesome you are.”
And then presumably all the good Christians get their own Muslim Heaven gardens which is pretty progressive, so credit where it’s due, I guess. Now if He would only get over this idea of setting people on fire forever and hating the Jews…
Surah 5. This one is called “The Table.”
God is gracious and merciful but will still set you on fire forever if you cross him.
Keep your vows. You can have livestock, but not wild game during pilgrimage.
Keep all the feasts and fasts and religious trappings or else.
You can’t eat roadkill, blood, pork, or animals devoted to God. You can’t eat strangled animals, animals violently killed, animals torn apart by other animals, or animals killed as a sacrifice. And no rolling of dice. But if you’re starving and you have to eat and eat a bit of bacon, God will forgive you.
You can hunt with birds and dogs and eat whatever they get for you.
You can marry virgin Muslims and virgin Christians and Jews? That doesn’t sound right. But you have to marry them honorably. No fornicating.
Before you pray, God wants you to wash up. If you’ve had sex, wash up. If you’ve been to the bathroom or touched a woman on her period, wash up. If you can’t find water, use sand.
Act justly. Don’t worry about opposition to justice.
Hey, remember that one time when those guys were going to do something bad to you, but didn’t? That was totally God.
Christians say Jesus is God, but we say God could, if he wanted to, kill Jesus and Mary and everyone else. So there. That’s definitely proof that we’re right.
Jews claim to be the chosen people, but God punishes them for their sins, so they’re just like the rest of us. God does whatever he wants to us and we’re all helpless to stop him.
Christians and Jews, a messenger has come to you to tell you the new truth… and then there will be no more messengers… just me. The last one. I mean, if someone else came and claimed to be a new messenger like I am, they’d be crazy or lying, but I’m definitely the real deal.
Then he talks about the story of the twelve spies and the ten who brought back a bad report and God sending Israel off to wander for forty years.
Then he talks about Cain and Abel and Cain not knowing how to bury Abel. But some ravens come and show him how to do it. And if you kill one person, it’s like you killed all of humanity.
Oh, and if you fight against Islam, you are to be killed OR crucified OR have your hands and feet cut off on opposite sides OR be banished. It’s nice you get the option to be killed OR crucified.
Muhammed is just a messenger, so if he dies, don’t give up on this whole new religion thing. If he’s just a messenger, it’s a bit odd that millions of people are willing to kill their fellow man for drawing a picture of him.
God causes everything, including your death. He’ll bless you now and forever if you throw him some thanks.
Apparently, Muhammed is singling himself out for being a prophet willing to go and kill his fellow man alongside a horde of likeminded co-religionists. And because he won many battles, he thinks God has been on his side because he’s a doer of good. And, I’m sorry, but it’s not a ‘good’ thing to kill your fellow man because he has a different religion. And that carries over to everyone: Christians, Jews, Buddhists, Hindus, whatever. Whatever you are, it is definitely not good to kill another human being because he belongs to a different religion.
Look, I mean, you just said that God determines the date of everyone’s demise. If He’s that powerful and that controlling, He doesn’t need your help. If He’s super-angry at some Buddhists or Christians or Muslims or whatever, He can kill them himself.
Muhammed wants to make all the unbelievers afraid because again… they worship other gods or God.
Then they lost a battle and, of course, it’s because of sin or disobedience and not tactics or a superior enemy army.
Do we have free will? No. So what does it matter what we do then? Our fates are inescapable and God has specifically predestined me to eternal torture forever. He sounds nice, right?
Muhammed appears to be trying to rally the troops. Hey, don’t worry if you die, God likes a human sacrifice on the battlefield and you’ll go right to heaven.
Trust in God regardless of what happens because he may bless you one day or smite you the next.
You guys are totally blessed because I’m here telling you what God says.
When bad things happen to you, it’s totally your fault because you sinned. Even though God controls everything.
Your fellow soldiers who died horribly are super happy with God now.
Seriously, God really hates those unbelievers and will set them on fire forever. They’ll totally get theirs in the end. Yeah, seriously, it’s like another 20 verses of different people that make Muhammed angry who he promises God will set on fire forever. But those who obey him, God will bless with a nice garden when they die.
So, okay, there’s this God. There’s this God and he’s sitting in a great void, so he says, “Let there be light.” Big bang happens. Particles and shit go everywhere. So this God, right? Still alone in a big pile of particle shit. But he’s literally got all eternity to wait and work, so eventually all of those particles come together to form the first stars, then planets. So He’s sitting in a nearly infinite universe He’s just created with billions and billions of galaxies each full of billions and billions of stars and planets. Like almost infinite diversity in the universe already.
So this God whether by design or through the natural course of the events He set in motion picks a planet or maybe more, who knows, right? And says, “Let there be life.” A few little proteins coalesce and form a few rudimentary living things. Microscopic life. And they multiply and they mutate and soon… well, soon, on a galactic scale, there’s trillions of the little things floating around, but they don’t look like the first living things anymore. All of that reproduction and mutation has caused significant little changes here and there. Some were good, some were bad. But now we have a lot of microscopic bio-diversity.
And soon (again, cosmically speaking) we’ve got some of these microscopic cells that sort of develop into more complex critters and then more branch out and develop into more complex creatures and soon we have an ocean full of life and millions of distinct animals. Some of which start to crawl or flop about on land, and boom… land animals.
Amphibians, lizards, insects, dinosaurs, meteors, mammals, monkeys, primates, and then some primates give birth to a baby primate that has something… that spark of self-awareness and intelligence that sets him or her above their ancestors. Human beings develop and spread. It’s a rough go at first, but soon there are millions of us wandering about the Earth building civilizations, asking questions, each one of us unique and individual. Millions becomes hundreds of millions.
So then God, right? Remember him? God sitting in an infinite universe of infinite stars and near infinite planets looks down at one world where there is uncountable diversity of life and hundreds of millions of homo sapiens each unique and individual and then God looks down and shouts at the hundreds of millions of homo sapiens on one tiny rock orbiting one star in this infinite universe and this God shouts, “HEY! You guys have to all fit into exactly two categories and it depends on your dangly bits or lack thereof.”
Best fucking joke in the universe, right?