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The TL:DR Bible: Mark 14-16


Chapter 14:

Priests: We have to kill Jesus before he starts a riot and Rome starts killing us. But we can’t do it during the holiday or we might start a riot.

Jesus gets anointed with expensive perfume.

Disciples: Hey! That could have been sold and the money used for the poor.

Jesus: You can help the poor whenever you want to, but I’m leaving and she wanted to make sure I smelled nice. I mean, dudes, we’ve been trekking through the deserts for years now. You don’t have to announce when we’re coming to town anymore, people can smell us from miles away.

Judas: Well, this is just too much for me. I’m off to betray you.

Jesus: Okay. The rest of you go find someone in the city and tell him we’re crashing at his place for the Passover meal.

They eat the Passover. Jesus starts the Communion sacrament. Jesus passive-aggressively lets Judas know that he’s a traitor. Jesus predicts Peter’s denials. And they go off to pray.

Jesus: Dear God, okay, you totally got me in Matthew. So how’s about we call it a day and don’t kill me off in Mark? Let’s just maybe forgive humanity without a bloody, gory death for me.

God: I’m sorry, were you saying something? I was just playing with my new iPhone.

Jesus gets arrested. One of Jesus’ followers invents streaking.

We get Jesus’ trials and Peter’s denials.

 

Chapter 15:

“Mark” wants the nice Roman government to know that Christians do not blame them for the death of Jesus. Since good, tolerant Pilate found no reason to kill someone calling himself the King of the Jews. It was those Jewish people.

Jesus gets mocked and beaten and flogged and nailed to a cross. Again.

Everyone mocks Jesus including the thieves being crucified next to him. Jesus cries out to God asking why God has forsaken him, then he yells again and dies.

The Temple curtain is torn in two, and the centurion crucifying Jesus proclaims him the son of God.

Joseph of Arimathea claims the body and buries Jesus for the second time.

 

Chapter 16:

“Mark’s” resurrection story is the shortest of them all. The Marys come to the tomb on Sunday morning and find it open. A young man in a white robe greets them.

Young man: Hey, guys. Jesus is not here. He has risen. Go and tell the disciples and Peter that he is going to Galilee and you will see him there as He promised.

The women flee from the tomb and say nothing because they were afraid.

And that’s it.

Later authors probably found this ending insufficient and added verses 9 and following, including the bit about snake handling. So don’t pick up a rattlesnake because Jesus didn’t actually say that would be one of your superpowers.

The TL:DR Bible: Matthew 18-19


Chapter 18:

Disciples: Hey, Jesus, who will be the greatest in the kingdom?

Jesus: Hey, kid, come here. People like this child. Innocent, honest, trusting… you need to become like kids to enter the kingdom of Heaven. But if any one hurts one of these kids, it would be better if they jumped into a lake with cement shoes, capisce?

This world sucks because of how easy it is to sin. You don’t want to be the person who tempts another into sin.

If your body causes you to sin, mutilate yourself. It’s better to go to heaven missing some body parts than to go to hell.

And don’t look down on kids. Their angels in heaven see God’s face continually.

A good shepherd will leave his 99 sheep and go search out a missing one. God doesn’t want any of us to perish.

Great. Now let’s talk about church discipline, because I’m sure this won’t ever be abused by sanctimonious arrogant people as a way to berate and control others. If someone sins, go and talk to them one on one. If they don’t listen, bring a couple of buddies along. If they don’t listen to them, bring it in front of the church, and if they don’t listen to the church, shun them and treat them like scum.

You have the power to bind and loose things in heaven. If two or three of you agree on something, it will be done for you by God.

Peter: Hey, Jesus, how often should I forgive Andrew here for pissing me off?

Jesus: All the times.

There was a king who was balancing his checkbook and he found a vassal who owed him millions of dollars, so he commanded the man and his family and his possessions be sold to pay back part of the debt. But the vassal begged him for more time, and the king was moved with compassion and forgave the man’s debt.

But then that vassal went out and found another man who owed him a few thousand dollars and he demanded payment and began to choke his debtor. The debtor begged for more time, but the man threw him into jail.

Some of the others saw what happened and sent word to the king. The king was incensed and confronted the man for his lack of compassion. Then the king ordered the man tortured until he paid back every cent of what he owed the king.

That’s what God will do to you if you don’t forgive.

 

Chapter 19:

Pharisees: Hey, can we divorce our wives for any reason?

Jesus: God joins a man and a woman (or a slave girl, or many women, or sometimes a man and two sisters, etc.) together in marriage, so what God joins together let no man separate.

Pharisee: So why did Mo say we could divorce our wives?

Jesus: Mo did it because you guys couldn’t handle marriage for life without the possibility of divorce. But I say that unless your wife cheats on you, if you divorce her and marry someone else, it’s adultery.

Pharisee: Wait, according to the law, if she commits adultery, I can just have her killed, so why even include a law about divorce?

Jesus: That’s a very good question and hey, look over there!

Later, the disciples say, “Hey, if that’s really the case, then it would be better not to get married.”

Jesus: Yeah, probably, but some of you humans need to get laid pretty badly, so that idea won’t go over well.

Jesus blesses some children, then a wealthy young ruler comes to Jesus and asks what he has to do to inherit eternal life.

After listing off some commandments and being assured by the young man that he already does those, Jesus tells him to go and sell everything, give it to the poor, and become a disciple.

Young man: Yeah… thanks, Jesus, but I forgot I have this thing with the other thing… gotta go.”

Jesus: It’s really hard, almost impossible, for the rich to go to heaven. It’s really only possible because of God.

Peter: Hey, what about us? We’ve left everything to follow you.

Jesus: Seriously, dude, you’ll get your reward.

Peter: We better.

Jesus: You will!

The TL:DR Bible: Matthew 4-5


Chapter 4:

Holy Spirit: Let’s go into the desert. Let’s go into the desert. Let’s go into the desert…

Jesus: And get ourselves a treat?

Holy Spirit: And fast for forty days.

Jesus: Uh… yea?

Satan: Hey, you look hungry. Why don’t you just turn some rocks into bread, since you’re the Son of God?

Jesus: Is this a temptation? How is this a temptation?

Satan: Come on, I’m doing my best… I haven’t done any actual tempting since I got some woman and her clueless husband to eat an apple.

Jesus: It shows. Anyway, the bible says, ‘Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word from God.’”

Satan: Okay, well… what if you jump from the top of the Temple. Angels will totally catch you, everyone will see that you’re the Son of God, and start worshipping you.

Jesus: I mean… that’s better, but still, you don’t test God by jumping off of buildings.

Satan: Okay… how about I make all of the world’s leaders follow you and bow to you and all you have to do is bow to me?

Jesus: Seriously?

Satan: A little bow? A teensy-weensy bow? Just nod your head? No?

Jesus: You’re making this awkward. You should go.

Angel: Hey, boss, here’s some bread from heaven.

Jesus goes back to Galilee and settles in Capernaum. Matthew pulls a few more verses out of context.

Jesus: Everyone stop being dicks to each other. The Kingdom of Heaven is coming!

Later, he’s walking along the shore and sees Peter and Andrew.

Jesus: Follow me, guys.

Peter: Sounds good.

He sees James and John working with their dad in their boat.

Jesus: Follow Me.

James and John: Okay.

Zebedee: Hey! What about the nets? Stupid kids…

So Jesus goes around the area giving sermons and healing people and he gets really famous.

 

Chapter 5:

Jesus goes up on a hill and teaches the people:

  • Blessed are the poor in spirit, they will inherit the Kingdom of God.
  • Blessed are the afflicted. They will be comforted.
  • Blessed are the gentle. They will inherit the Earth.
  • Blessed are the hungry and thirsty for justice, they will see justice.
  • Blessed are the merciful, they will see God.
  • Blessed are the peacemakers, they will be called sons of God.
  • Blessed are the persecuted for doing what is right, they will inherit the kingdom of God.

Do what is right, good, pure, merciful, and just and be an example to others, so they can glorify God.

I have not come to abolish the Law, but to fulfill it. Not one letter of the Law will pass away until all is accomplished. So if you teach anyone to disobey a commandment, you will be cursed. But if you teach them to obey the commandments, you will be blessed.

Unless you’re more righteous than a scribe or a Pharisee, you will not see the kingdom of God.

It was said, ‘Do not commit murder’, but I say take the principle even farther and don’t even hate or insult your fellow man.

It was said, ‘Do not commit adultery’, but I say take the principle even farther and don’t have lustful thoughts about a woman who isn’t your wife.

Moses said you could divorce your wife, but I say that unless she is guilty of adultery, if you divorce her, you make her an adulteress, and whoever married a divorced woman commits adultery.

Do not make oaths. Say what you mean and do what you say.

It was said, ‘An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth’, but I say, do not return evil for evil. Do not be violent. Do not resist an evil man. If someone strikes you, offer him another free shot. If someone tries to take your coat, offer him your shirt too. If a Roman tries to make you carry his gear for a mile, go two miles.

Give to those who ask of you and do not turn away from the one in need.

Love your enemies, do good to those who hate and persecute you. God is good even to those that hate him or don’t know He exists. So you do the same. There is no reward in doing good to those who do good to you. Everyone does that, but you be good towards everyone.

I end with an observation made by Kurt Vonnegut:

“For some reason, the most vocal Christians among us never mention the Beatitudes (Matthew 5). But, often with tears in their eyes, the demand that the Ten Commandments be posted in public buildings. And of course, that’s Moses, not Jesus. I haven’t heard one of them demand that the Sermon on the Mount, the Beatitudes, be posted anywhere.
“Blessed are the merciful” in a courtroom? “Blessed are the peacemakers” in the Pentagon? Give me a break!”

The TL:DR Bible: Matthew 1-3


Chapter 1:

Matthew would like us to know that Jesus was a direct descendent of the royal line of David and possessed a right to the throne of the kingdom of Israel.

The birth of Jesus:

Mary: I’m pregnant.

Joe: Who’s the father?

Mary: God.

Joe: Hahaha… yeah, right. Look, we’ll just head to divorce court, do it quietly, and I won’t even ask for you to be stoned to death.

Joe goes to bed and has a dream…

Angel: Hey, Joe, Mary’s telling the truth. God’s the father.

Joe: Great. Talk about not being able to live up to your wife’s previous boyfriend.

Nine months later, Jesus is born thus creating a holiday where we all stress out, binge drink, and go into debt to buy crap no one really needs.

Also, Joe didn’t sleep with his wife until after Jesus was born.

 

Chapter 2:

Sometime later…

Magi: We three kings of Orient are, bearing gifts we traverse afar…

King Herod: Who are you looking for?

Magi: We’ve been watching the skies. A new king of the Jews was born and we followed his star. Do you know where He is?

King Herod: Priests?

Priests: Bethlehem

King Herod: You don’t say? Hey, guys, when you find him, come and tell me where I can find him so I can go “honor” him.

Magi: Sure enough.

They go to Bethlehem.

Magi: Knock knock.

Mary: Who’s knocking about at this hour? Go away!

Magi: We want to give your son some gold.

Mary: Come right in.

The Magi worship Jesus and give Joe and Mary gold, frankincense, and myrrh. They bed down for the night.

Angel: Hey, guys, Herod was lying. Take a different road home. Also, Joe, take your wife and kid and head to Egypt.

So the Magi leave and Joe takes Mary and Jesus to Egypt. And the two of them stay there until Herod dies.

Also, the author of Matthew is pretty good at taking verses out of context.

Herod: Oh, those wise men tricked me!  Kill all the children two years and under in Bethlehem.

But Herod dies. Joe and Mary come back and settle in Nazareth.

 

Chapter 3:

John the Baptizer shows up wearing a camel hair coat and eating grasshoppers and honey. For some reason, everyone thinks this means they should listen to him. So they came out to see him, he’d yell at them to repent and dunk their heads under the water. Everyone had a good time.

Until the Pharisees showed up anyway.

John: You venomous snakes. You’re going to hell. Being Jewish won’t help you.

Pharisees: When has being Jewish ever helped anyone? There are a lot of racists out there, you know.

John: Anyway, I baptize with water, but the one who comes after me will baptize with the Holy Spirit and fire and burn worthless things up.

Jesus: Hey, dude, I’m here. Can you dunk my head under the water?

John: You’re not a sinner. You should be dunking my head under the water.

Jesus: Just do it. It’s a really hot day.

So John shoves Jesus’ head under the water and when He comes up, the Holy Spirit descends upon him like a dove and God says, “That’s my boy, everyone. That’s my son! Woo! Go Jesus!”

“Daaaaaad… stop embarrassing me!”

“I’m just really proud of you. You took that baptism like a man!”

“This is worse than the time you showed up at my prom.”

“I’m God. I’m everywhere.”

“You always use that excuse. I wish I had never been begotten from before eternity.”

“You think you have it bad,” the Holy Spirit said. “I don’t even get any lines in any of these books.”

Fast Food Review: Taco Bell: Naked Chicken Chips


Naked Chicken sounds healthy. It’s a great marketing name.

Naked Chicken Chips, however, are not healthy.

They are greasy triangles of pounded chicken meat that is breaded, deep-fried, and dipped in nacho cheese sauce, then shoveled into your gaping maw to be chewed up and go straight to the good Lord’s work of clogging your arteries.

They taste like fried chicken and regret, as if the bird had made many questionable life choices, got into debt with some Russian chickens, lost his job crowing in the morning at the farmhouse, had his chicken girlfriend break up with him, and decided that rather than go out like some chump, he’d take the world down with him one fatty bite of food at a time so he ran off to the Taco Bell slaughterhouse.

Naked_Chicken_Chips

I have become death. The destroyer of worlds – Clucky the Chicken

If you’ve likewise made poor life choices, you can enjoy a box of food that includes six Naked Chicken Chips, a burrito supreme (there’s lettuce in it… that’s kind of a vegetable, right?), a regular taco, and a sugary caffeinated drink to wash it down with and lubricate its way directly to your colon for $5.

It’s not a bad deal except for your aforementioned colon.

The TL:DR Bible: Daniel 7-12


Chapter 7:

Daniel finds Ezekiel’s stash and has a dream.

He sees a lion with wings that walks and thinks like a man. A bear eating some ribs. Then he sees a leopard with four wings and four heads that was a king. Then he sees a giant beast with metal teeth and ten horns that tramples the other beasts into the dust. Then an eleventh horn grows in, but three of the other horns are pulled out. And the newest horn had eyes and a mouth that said proud things.

Then God shows up in a burning wheelchair with His entourage, the books are opened and court is in session.

Then the beast with iron teeth is killed, cut up, and thrown into the fire. The rest of the beasts were spared and given a bit more time on the Earth.

Then the Messiah comes before God and is given a kingdom to reign over everyone.

Danny walks over to one of the people in his dream and asks what it all means.

The four beasts are four kings that will come. But God will rule over everyone in the end.

“What the hell was up with that fourth beast?” Danny said.

It’s the fourth kingdom that will conquer the entire Earth. Out of it ten kings will arise, then an eleventh. The eleventh king will blaspheme Yahweh. He tries to change the calendar and the law, but then God judges him and he loses his kingdom and is destroyed forever. Then God hands off the Earth to His Messiah and all the good people will reign forever.

Then Danny woke up and had a bad hangover and kept his weird dream to himself.

 

Chapter 8:

Danny has another ‘dream’. Or one of Danny’s disciples writes down history in apocalyptic language. You decide.

Danny’s dream involves a ram and a goat, but it’s about the Medes and the Persians conquering the known world, and then Alexander and the Greeks defeat and conquer the Persians and the known world. But Alexander dies and his kingdom is split between his four generals and out of one of those kingdoms comes Antiochus IV Epiphanes, a king of the Seleucid branch of the Greek Empire who would profane the temple of Yahweh by putting an idol into it and sacrificing pigs on the altar.

But then he drowns in the sea or has a terrible bowel disease and falls off his chariot and dies.

 

Chapter 9:

Daniel reads Jeremiah and notices that the seventy years of captivity is almost up, so he prays.

“Oh Lord, you are great. We are scum. Please be faithful to your word. We’re really shitty down here. Please be merciful to us worms. Amen.”

Gabriel shows up and says seventy weeks have been appointed for the Jews and Jerusalem before everything is wrapped up and Messiah comes and rules the world. Now you may realize that the world didn’t end the following year in 457 BC. So bible scholars interpret the weeks to mean weeks of years. So 490 years total.

Okay, okay, you got me. The world didn’t end in 32 AD either. So we divide the weeks into 69 weeks and then 1 more week that will be determined sometime in the future giving us infinite amount of time to keep declaring this prophesy as true so it can never be invalidated. Quite clever of us, isn’t it?

So after 62 weeks, the Messiah will be cut off and have nothing, and the people of the prince to come will destroy the city and the sanctuary. It will be destroyed with a flood. Then wars will happen. Then he (that is the prince who destroyed the city) will make a covenant with the people for a week, but then put a stop to the Jewish religion and then comes desolation.

 

Chapter 10:

Danny here. I had a vision. I fasted for three weeks. Than an angel showed up. I was not hallucinating because of low blood sugar.

“Hey, Danny. Sorry I’m late. I was sent from God, but the Prince of Persia was holding me up until Michael came and fought him. So I’m here to tell you about the future. You and Jennifer are fine, Danny. It’s your kids!”

“What?”

“Nothing. Anyway, here is some history as if it were mysteriously written for you by a later author…”

 

Chapter 11:

After Darius will come three kings, then a fourth that will be very great and invade Greece. (It was actually Darius’ grandson that invaded Greece and there would be eight more kings total in the Persian Empire before Alexander conquered them.)

Then Alexander’s kingdom will be broken up into four pieces. Then a bunch of kings show up and fight each other and are generally assholes and hate Yahweh and most of them die. One of them is a real dick though and fights constantly with everyone.

 

Chapter 12:

Then Michael will show up and all of the Jews written in the book will be rescued. Then comes a resurrection, some to a blessed life, others to disgrace and contempt. But you should seal up this book, Danny until the end of times.

Then someone says, “Hey, how long until this happens?”

“Three a half years from the time of the abomination of desolation. And if you survive that three and a half years of conflict, you will be blessed. But Danny, you’re going to go and die, but then come back at the end of the age.”

Now, you may have realized that the end of the world did not come three and a half years after Antiochus IV Ephiphanies sets up his idol and slaughters a pig in the Temple of Yahweh, but oh, what the prophesy really means is that at some point in the future another prince will show up and do the same thing in the Temple and then the world will end THAT time after three and a half years. This also lets us say this prophesy is true because it can never be invalidated because it could always happen in the future… at least until the human race goes extinct or the sun turns into a red giant and destroys the Earth.

Anyway, next up is Hosea. Another prophet that God forces to do a shitty object lesson for the people.

Mental Health Day…


Like Zeke, I’ve been going a bit bonkers in the head lately, so I’m going to take a day off and rest. I’ll be back with more of Zeke’s hijinks on Monday. Be good, y’all.