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An Infidel Reads the Quran: Surah 25: the Criterion


God totally sent me with the standard by which men will be judged.

Also, Christians, you’re wrong. God doesn’t have a son.

But anyone who tells me I’m wrong or demands actual evidence that God is talking to me will be going to hell.

And then they’ll say, “Please kill us, Mohammed!”

And I’ll look down upon them and say, “No. Don’t you wish now you listened to me and had your own kickass garden?”

God is also pretty pissed off that people keep asking for proof of his existence.

And there’s another 20 or so verses about Mohammed’s revenge fantasy.

Then he’s got to mention Moses again. And Noah and how God drowned everyone on Earth including babies because He’s super merciful. Like, the best at mercy. So good at mercy.

And Mohammed is pretty pissed off that people make fun of him.

If God wanted to, he could totally make the shadows stand still. He just doesn’t want to right now.

God’s pretty peeved again that no one thanks him enough.

Strive with unbelievers with a mighty struggle. I’ll leave that open to your personal interpretation on whether or not that’s a call to violence.

And good Muslims are supposed to great people by saying, “Peace.” They’ve got to pray. God also wants them to beg him not to send them to hell.  Be moderate in their spending. Don’t worship other gods, don’t murder (except in the pursuit of Justice… which leaves a lot open to interpretation.) I mean, I like how all of the religions seem to have massive loopholes when it comes to “Thou shalt not kill.”

And don’t commit adultery.

And praying. A lot of praying. Apparently God is very lonely and needs you to talk to him a lot or else he’ll get passive aggressive on you and say, “Oh, who is this? Huh? You never called. You never wrote and now you think you know me?”

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An Infidel Reads the Quran: Surah 22: The Pilgrimage


Okay, we start out with Judgement Day. Be grateful it’s not the story of Moses again. Small victories, people. Small victories.

On Judgement Day, women will ditch their kids, all the pregnant girls will spontaneously miscarry, and everyone will look drunk even though they’re not drunk.

If you think you can use logic and reason to determine what God is like, then God’s going to set you on fire forever. You have to blindly follow a holy book. God gave you a brain, but he does NOT want you to use it.

Also, God made man with dust and celestial sperm.

Seriously, don’t use your brain to try to figure out God. That’s really evil. You have to blindly follow a holy book.

And God doesn’t want any complainers. When bad things happen to you, you best say, “Thank you, Lord, may I have another?” or God will be very cross with you.

Good Muslims get nice gardens. You’ve heard this already.

If you don’t think God will help you out now and in the afterlife, then you’re dumb.

God’s going to judge between the good Muslims and all the other religions out there. Everything has to bow to God. Many of us deserve to be set on fire forever. But God does whatever He wants to do.

If you go to hell, you get to wear fire for clothes and boiling hot showers. And if you try to get out, God or angels or someone forces you back inside.

So God shows Abraham the one spot on Earth that He REALLY loves, which is the Kaaba. And Abraham builds the mosque there. And God tells Abraham what all of the good Muslims should do when they visit the site on pilgrimage. And everyone is supposed to do this and celebrate because God gave them livestock.

God fights for the believers, which is why so many of them live in poverty and die horrible deaths throughout history. And if people don’t like you for your religion, well, God can kill them all like he’s killed so many before.

Unbelievers are under Satan’s thrall. You can know the truth of what you believe because I said God said it.

If you die a martyr, God will give you the best stuff in the afterlife.

Don’t listen to that hippie Jesus, seriously, an eye for an eye. God’s still down with that.

Can’t you see the proof of God by rain? (No. That’s the water cycle.)

What about boats? Huh? (We built the boats, Mohammed.)

How about how God holds up the sky so it doesn’t fall? (I… I can’t even…)

And we get more about believers and unbelievers and wrap things up by remembering how Abraham came up with the word Muslims first. Because it’s in this book. Which is totes from God. Because the book says it is.

An Infidel Reads the Quran: Surah 16: The Bee


God made everything. God made humans from a drop of fluid… Yeah, I’m thinking it too.

God made livestock for us so we could travel and eat. Surely this is proof of God.

Okay, I see there are still some doubters, so surely the stars and sun and moon are proof of God…?

Look at the plants and how you can eat some of them, that’s God right?

Well, what about all of the colors then? That’s gotta be God, right?

Also, the proof of God is in rivers, landmarks and roads…

Back to how unbelievers will one day stand before God and plead their case, but the angels will lead them off to the gates of Hell where they will dwell “Forever”.

And good Muslims get to go to a nice garden with plenty of water.

God picks out who repents and who doesn’t. But somehow he needs messengers to go out and convert people.

Some people say God won’t resurrect the dead, but Mohammed says, “Yes, he will!”

“45. Do those who scheme evils feel secure that God will not cause the earth to cave in with them, or that the punishment will not come upon them from where they do not perceive? Or that He will not seize them during their activities? And they will not be able to prevent it. Or that He will not seize them while in dread? Your Lord is Gentle and Merciful.”

God’s got a lot of work to be done. There is a lot of evil men who pillage and exploit the poor and oppress the innocent and pervert justice and they are rolling in the money. So, uh, why isn’t he doing something about that?

I guess Mohammed’s not answering that because then he goes into another round of God does everything, so if your life is good, it’s because of God. If your life sucks, it’s because of God. And if we’re not grateful for it, we’ll know soon.

Ah, there we go… well, if God punished people for all of their evil now, he’d have to kill us all. But he’ll do it eventually. Trust me. One day… not when you or I are here, but one day, God will do it finally.

“And they attribute to God what they themselves dislike, while their tongues utter the lie that theirs is the goodness.”

Congratulations. You’ve just described every religion ever.

Seriously, guys, rain proves God exists. Also milk. And fruit. Oh, and honey from bees! Surprisingly, Mohammed does recognize that honey has some antibiotic qualities. People used to use it on wounds to help prevent infection.

God gave you your money, so you know, you don’t have to share it with your slaves because it’s God’s blessing.

God literally gave you wives and offspring.

God is partial to the whole, the smart, and the wealthy. And I’m really surprised Republicans don’t like Islam.

Then Mohammed launches into another Judgment Day fantasy where he enjoys describing the plight of the unbelievers.

God commands justice, and goodness, and generosity towards relatives. And He forbids immorality, and injustice, and oppression.

Just towards relatives?

More stuff about how unbelievers are horrible and misled by Satan and not because Mohammed hasn’t really offered us a lick of actual evidence.

But there was this one town that was doing really well, but they weren’t saying thanks enough to God for it, so God destroyed them.

“Those who invent lies and attribute them to God will not succeed.”

History says otherwise.

Let’s see, what else. Oh, Jews suck. Abraham was the first Muslim. You can retaliate but only up to the level of harm done to you, but you know, maybe you should just be patient and wait for God to smite them.

“Biblical Stewardship” GOP Edition…


“Okay, so here’s the keys to the place. You guys enjoy it. My house is your house.”
“Sounds great, God. Oh, uh, we can have whatever’s in the fridge, right?”
“Uh… yeah. Sure. Whatever you guys need.”
“What if we see a shiny stone in like the backyard… could we like dynamite the garage… dig down with an excavator and pull out the shiny stones?”
“Uh. What?”
“Oh, or like if there’s some shit we want to dig up and burn… could we like drill some holes in the garden, blast the bedrock with toxic chemicals and pull that shit up and burn it?”
“N-no… no… ”
“And sometimes we’ll have like a little whoopsie-doodle and spill toxic shit all over your dogs and cats. Is that okay?”
“Get the fuck out.”

Sick…


Pretty sure I’m patient zero for the zombie apocalypse virus, so no updates from Capt. Torres today.

 

Lincoln’s Birthday


Today, we celebrate and honor Abraham Lincoln, our sixteenth president.

Lincoln was a Republican back in the days before the Republican Party became the party of Neo-Confederates and started appealing to Nazis. In fact, perhaps rather awkwardly for today’s Alt-Right minions, all those statues of traitors they defend today? Yeah, good ol’ Abe was the man responsible for turning those bastards into losers.

So, for no reason, I offer up this quote:

“Elections belong to the people. It’s their decision. If they decide to turn their back on the fire and burn their behinds, then they will just have to sit on their blisters.” -Abraham Lincoln