Peter and John are going to Temple to pray. They see a guy who can’t walk begging for money, so Pete stops.
“Hey, man, I don’t have any money, but in the name of Jesus Christ the Nazarene, walk!”
Pete grabs the guy, yanks him up and the man can walk now. So he leaps and runs around praising God for his healing and causing a big stir. Pete notices the crowd looking at them, so he figures it’s time to give another sermon tinged with just a bit of antisemitism.
“Why are you all so surprised? We didn’t do this. God through Jesus did. You know, Jesus, the guy you killed and asked for a murderer instead of him? You killed the prince of life, but God raised him from the dead. We’re witnesses of this, and that’s how we healed this man through faith in Jesus.
“Okay, you guys didn’t know you were being all Christ killers, and God did sort of foreordain it all to happen, like it says in the Old Testament… if you kind of squint and take verses out of their context and apply them to the future instead… Anyway, Jesus is the prophet Moses promised, and if you don’t follow my… I mean, his teachings… you’re going to die. So who wants to join up?”
But, wouldn’t you know it? Apparently the priests aren’t happy about the big stir their causing, not to mention preaching about a resurrection and Jesus, so they grab them and throw them into religious jail overnight.
But another 2,000 men join the church, making the total number of believers 5,000 or so men… because they’re the ones that count, amirite?
So the next morning, the priests bring them out.
“So how did you heal this man?”
“You’re putting us on trial because we helped a sick person?”
“You’ve read the gospels. Of course we are. We’re the super evil villains.”
“Yeah, we healed him by the power of Jesus. You guys rejected him, but God exalted him and raised him from the dead. There is no salvation apart from him.”
So they are all super amazed at Peter and John and can’t answer them, so they send them away for a moment while they talk among themselves.
“Well, we’ve got to shut this new religion down. Bring them back in. Okay, guys, you did a little miracle. Good for you. But now you must stop teaching and healing in the name of Jesus. MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
“Yeah, we’re not going to stop.”
“Okay, you got us, but seriously stop it. You can go now.”
So they all go home and everyone prays and says, “God totally predicted all of this. Help us not to shut up, but to speak even more and do even more miracles.”
Then an earthquake happens, everyone is filled again with the Holy Spirit and starts running around saying bible verses out loud.
Still being an apocalyptic cult, the wealthy start selling off their goods and lands and giving the money to the church to share with the poor. So everyone got what they needed. And a guy named Joseph sells a plot of land and brings the money and puts it in front of the apostles.
“Didn’t Jesus say something about not letting anyone know about your giving?”
“Yeah, that’s a part of the bible we’re going to ignore.”