An Infidel Reads the Quran: Surahs 48-49


Surah 48: Victory

The occasion of this surah is that Mohammed has just won a victory in battle, so this is his chance to say, “Hey, guys, see? See? I am the messenger of God and if you stick with me, you all get gardens in heaven when you die unlike those jerks who didn’t follow me.”

“If you make an oath to me (Mohammed), you make an oath to God!”

Also, those Bedouins sucked because they didn’t follow me into battle. Now they’ll get their chance, but they’ll have to fight a greater army to prove themselves worthy of those gardens in heaven.

God has sent serenity down to his Messenger and his followers, which is why we just killed a bunch of people, right?

I’m totally the spokesperson for God.

 

 Surah 49: The Dwellings

Don’t talk about the Prophet or talk to him loudly at all. Speak quietly. God will reward those who don’t hurt the Prophet’s ears.

If you hear something from a worthless jerk, verify it before you pass it along.

Hey, look at that, useful information for us today. *Facebook* *Twitter*

Look, if the Prophet listened to you people and obeyed you, all sorts of bad stuff would happen. So your opinions don’t matter.

This is grace from the Lord.

If there’s a disagreement and one party decides not to follow Mo’s advice, fight against him until they agree to follow Mo’s advice.

Don’t mock or belittle other groups or people.

Don’t believe gossip.

Mohammed really doesn’t like the Bedouins.

True believers consider all of their stuff to be Allah’s stuff and fight for him. Really, God is doing you a favor by letting you be a Muslim and give him all of your stuff.

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An Infidel Reads the Quran: Surah 47: Muhammad


God loves the believers and forgives them, but destroys the unbelievers.

When you encounter an unbeliever, you should strike at their necks. And when you’ve killed enough of them, bind the survivors firmly. Now you could release them or you can ransom them.

Of course, God doesn’t need you to fight for Him, He could do it Himself, but He is testing some of you to see if you guys will kill for Him, I guess.

And those of you who die will totally, truly, I am not lying, be remembered by God and rewarded

Have they not journeyed through the earth and seen the consequences for those before them? God poured destruction upon them

Exhibit A on why you’re wrong, Mohammed:

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You can believe in God because we totally killed lots of cities with the sword.

God has a really nifty garden with milk, water, and honey waiting for you. Also, lots of fruit. In hell you get boiling water that slices up your colon.

Some of you will walk away in disbelief, not because I haven’t offered you any proof or reason to believe what I’m saying, but because God has hardened your hearts. The rest of you should believe though. Seriously, that invisible heavenly garden is really, really, really good.

If you don’t like the whole bit about slaughtering the unbelievers in war, woe to you.

God doesn’t accept cafeteria Muslims.

Seriously, don’t get all mushy and ask for peace with unbelievers while you have the upper hand. Keep fighting against them. God will be with you.

This life doesn’t matter, so be willing to die for God or God will replace you (and probably set you on fire forever) and then those people will be willing to fight and die for God.

An Infidel Reads the Quran: Surahs 45-46


Surah 45: Kneeling

God exists because of stars, the Earth, animals, night and day, rain, and wind.

Are you convinced yet?

This book is totally from God and you suck if you don’t believe me.

This book is horrible.  It is so repetitive.

We’re going to talk about Hell now again.

We’re going to talk about how ships being able to navigate the oceans prove God somehow again.

We’re going to bitch about the Jews and how they suck. Again.

We’re going to talk about how you should obey Mohammed without question or else.

We’re going to talk about how God is so merciful for arbitrarily deciding that your temporal sins are worthy of eternal punishment but he leaves open one avenue of escape for you.

And we’re going to end with Hell again.

 

Surah 46: The Dunes

“Hey, if you worship a different God, point out what part of the Earth he created,” Mohammed says.

All of it. Odin fashioned the Earth from the bones of Ymir the Frost Giant.

Prove me wrong.

“Okay, bring me a scripture prior to the Koran.”

Sure. The Torah. The New Testament. The Tripitaka. The Bhagavad Gita.

I could go on.

“Who is more wrong than him who invokes someone other than my God?”

I don’t know. Prove to me that your God exists and that you speak for him. Otherwise, you are just as credible as everyone who adheres to the scriptures written before you.

“Well, you guys say that I invented this myself, but if I did, then I’m going to go to Hell.”

Except Hell doesn’t exist if you just made it up, Mohammed.

“Well, what if I do speak from God?”

Pascal’s wager. It only works if there is but one religion that demands fealty and threatens eternal damnation if you’re wrong.

There are more than two religions that claim this.

If I accept on that premise, I’m gambling that Christianity is wrong. IF Christianity is right, and I chose Islam, then I’m going to hell regardless of the pious life I lived.

Mohammed appeals to Moses and claims that the Torah testifies to Islam. But it does nothing of the sort. The only thing the two have in common is monotheism.

Mohammed grants that maybe you can be a Jew or Christian and life a good life and make it to heaven.

You have to be kind to your parents. And you have to accept submission to God unquestioningly.

But if you’re a dick to your parents, Mo says you’re going to hell.

Hell has different degrees of punishment.

And we’re talking about hell again.

Now we’re talking about Aad again.

God sends a bunch of genies over to listen to the Koran and they leave and tell other genies about it.

And we end with more hell talk.

A Tale of Two Countries…


The king was a vain, insecure man. A vicious brute who would last out and murder his critics. A small man trying to be big. He built monuments to himself and his glory.

And when the Kingdom of Heaven was at his doorstep, challenging his insecurities, calling him to a better path, he did what all small, insecure men do, he bullied the weak, the powerless, and the helpless.

He stole their children.

16 Then Herod, when he saw that he was deceived by the wise men, was exceedingly angry; and he sent forth and put to death all the male children who were in Bethlehem and in all its districts, from two years old and under, according to the time which he had determined from the wise men. 17 Then was fulfilled what was spoken by Jeremiah the prophet, saying:

18 “A voice was heard in Ramah,
Lamentation, weeping, and great mourning,
Rachel weeping for her children,
Refusing to be comforted,
Because they are no more.”

The Kingdom of Heaven, if there is such a thing anymore, still calls out. It still stands on the doorstep. It still challenges venal, insecure brutes to let go and act to help the weak, the powerless, and the helpless.

And wicked tyrants still lash out at the vulnerable.

So it goes…

But please, do tell me of your good Christian virtues and how God anointed this pathetic waste of a human soul to lead this country to ‘greatness’.

An Infidel Reads the Quran: Surah 44: Smoke


“Ha. Meem,” God said.

Mohammed nodded. God had been using words that didn’t make sense a lot lately. He thought about asking the Divine what language that was.

“I have the best words,” God said. “Only the best words.”

Mohammed thought better of it and just nodded. He motioned to his scribe to write the words down.

“You should feel very blessed. Like the most blessed, Mohammed. I’m sending out letters. It’s very merciful of me to even talk to you people. I mean, I’m God, right? I made you and I can kill you all on a whim. I could like shoot someone in the head on 5th street and no one would say anything.”

“But some of you don’t believe me. You believe Lying MSNBC. You don’t believe Lying MSNBC, do you, Mo? Can I call you Mo? I’m calling you Mo.”

Mohammed shook his head.

“That’s why I like you, Mo. Very smart. Real good head on your shoulders. Not like those other people. One day the smoke will come for them and they’ll say, “God, save us!” and I’ll say, “Hey, I sent my guy to talk to your guy and you called him crazy. Well, who’s crazy now, right? You are. Yeah. You are…”

“So I’m going to come and just like make the Earth great again. I won’t lie, they’ll be a lot of murdering going on. But they deserve it. Mostly… you know… sometimes my aim isn’t so good.”

“Did I ever tell you about Moses and Pharaoh?”

Mohammed nodded.

“I’m going to tell it again anyway. So I send Moses to Pharaoh and he says, “Give me all the Jews, I’m on a mission from God. From God. But Pharaoh doesn’t call me to talk about it. No. So I have to go wreck his country and kill his son.”

And Moses says, “Hey, Lord, the Jews are the worst.”

“And I said, “Yeah, I know, right? But get them out of Egypt and go through the Red Sea, because I’m going to kill Pharaoh’s army.”

“Then I killed them with water. They left a lot of stuff behind. A lot of really nice stuff. Or it would have been if I hadn’t destroyed the entire country of Egypt with plagues. But it used to be nice stuff. Like really fine quality. Only the best stuff from my daughter’s sweat shop in China. Wait… strike that last part.”

“Anyway, I’m going to send all of the people who weren’t nice to me to hell where they’ll eat bitter hot food and I’ll dunk them in fire forever. But you guys… you’re cool, Mo. You can hang out in my garden. It’s really great. So great. There’s a nice big beautiful wall around it. You’re going to love it.”

One Nation Under God – 2


They sell the innocent for silver,
and the needy for a pair of sandals.

They trample on the heads of the poor
as on the dust of the ground
and deny justice to the oppressed.

“Now then, I will crush you
as a cart crushes when loaded with grain.

The swift will not escape,
the strong will not muster their strength,
and the warrior will not save his life.

I will tear down the winter house
along with the summer house;
the houses adorned with ivory will be destroyed
and the mansions will be demolished,”
declares the Lord.

There are those who hate the one who upholds justice in court
and detest the one who tells the truth.

You levy a straw tax on the poor
and impose a tax on their grain.
Therefore, though you have built stone mansions,
you will not live in them;
though you have planted lush vineyards,
you will not drink their wine.
For I know how many are your offenses
and how great your sins.

There are those who oppress the innocent and take bribes
and deprive the poor of justice in the courts.

Seek good, not evil,
that you may live.
Then the Lord God Almighty will be with you,
just as you say he is.
Hate evil, love good;
maintain justice in the courts.

“I hate, I despise your religious festivals;
your assemblies are a stench to me.
Even though you bring me burnt offerings and grain offerings,
I will not accept them.
Though you bring choice fellowship offerings,
I will have no regard for them.
Away with the noise of your songs!
I will not listen to the music of your harps.
But let justice roll on like a river,
righteousness like a never-failing stream!

One Nation Under God…


If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.

Sessions

If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.

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If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.

Trump Charity

Love is patient, love is kind.

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It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

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It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered,it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil 

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but rejoices with the truth.

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It always protects,

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always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.