The TL:DR Bible: Isaiah 54-56


Chapter 54:

Everyone is going to have lots of babies when God bring Judah back from captivity and they’re going to expand and live in all of the cities that were unoccupied.

God says to not be afraid and forget the bad past between the two of you. This time it will be different, Baby. Sure, I kicked you out, but now you can come back home and we’ll forget the night that Cops filmed us on the front yard screaming at each other.

I promise I will never be angry with you again.

Everything will be perfect and you’ll be covered in expensive jewels and you’ll be the obedient wife I’ve always wanted.

 

Chapter 55:

If anyone is thirsty, come to me. If anyone hungers, come and eat. I give freely to all.

Why are you wasting your time on other pursuits that won’t satisfy. Come to me and live.

Seek God while He can still be found. He’s very good at playing Hide and Seek.

Everyone stop being shitty to each other and God will have compassion on us.

“I’ll have compassion on you because I’m not like you,” God said. “My word never fails. And one of these days, you’re going to go home and be happy and the rocks will sing and the trees will clap their hands.”

So Trolls and Ents are real, then?

 

Chapter 56:

Act with justice. Do what is right. The salvation of God is coming soon.

The man who does this will be blessed.

Even foreigners and eunuchs will be welcome this time into the assembly of God. The one who cannot have children will have a reputation and name better than children and that name will last forever.

The foreigners who do what is right will be welcome in my Temple which will be a house of prayer for all nations.

But for everyone I don’t like, the lions and tigers and bears…

George-Takei-oh-my

will eat them.

Christus Victor


But on the first day of the week, at early dawn, they came to the tomb bringing the spices which they had prepared. And they found the stone rolled away from the tomb, but when they entered, they did not find the body of the Lord Jesus. While they were perplexed about this, behold, two men suddenly stood near them in dazzling clothing; and as the women were terrified and bowed their faces to the ground, the men said to them, “Why do you seek the living One among the dead? He is not here, but He has risen. Remember how He spoke to you while He was still in Galilee, saying that the Son of Man must be delivered into the hands of sinful men, and be crucified, and the third day rise again.” And they remembered His words,and returned from the tomb and reported all these things to the eleven and to all the rest.

Good Friday


 

33 When they came to the place called The Skull, there they crucified Him and the criminals, one on the right and the other on the left.34 But Jesus was saying, “Father, forgive them; for they do not know what they are doing.” And they cast lots, dividing up His garments among themselves. 35 And the people stood by, looking on. And even the rulers were sneering at Him, saying, “He saved others; let Him save Himself if this is the Christ of God, His Chosen One.” 36 The soldiers also mocked Him, coming up to Him, offering Him sour wine, 37 and saying, “If You are the King of the Jews, save Yourself!” 38 Now there was also an inscription above Him, “THIS IS THE KING OF THE JEWS.”

39 One of the criminals who were hanged there was hurling abuse at Him, saying, “Are You not the Christ? Save Yourself and us!” 40 But the other answered, and rebuking him said, “Do you not even fear God, since you are under the same sentence of condemnation? 41 And we indeed are suffering justly, for we are receiving what we deserve for our deeds; but this man has done nothing wrong.” 42 And he was saying, “Jesus, remember me when You come in Your kingdom!”43 And He said to him, “Truly I say to you, today you shall be with Me in Paradise.”

44 It was now about the sixth hour, and darkness fell over the whole land until the ninth hour, 45 because the sun was obscured; and the veil of the temple was torn in two. 46 And Jesus, crying out with a loud voice, said, “Father, into Your hands I commit My spirit.” Having said this, He breathed His last. 47 Now when the centurion saw what had happened, he began praising God, saying, “Certainly this man was innocent.” 48 And all the crowds who came together for this spectacle, when they observed what had happened, began to return, beating their breasts. 49 And all His acquaintances and the women who accompanied Him from Galilee were standing at a distance, seeing these things.

The TL:DR Bible: Isaiah 51-53


Chapter 51:

God: Hey, everyone who isn’t a jerk, but pursues righteousness and justice. Think back to Abraham and how I took him from one man to tens of millions today. I’m going to bless Judah the same way and make even the deserts like a lush garden.

Pay attention! I’m going to establish justice, righteousness, and salvation. Everything else will die, but my salvation will be forever. Don’t be afraid of men, continue in my justice which is forever.

“Isaiah”: Wake up, Lord! Help us out. Didn’t you defeat the chaos dragon god and cut up Rahab into pieces? Didn’t you part the Red Sea?

God: I am the one who comforts. Don’t be afraid of mortal men. I’m bigger than he is. The exiles will go home.

Wake up, Jerusalem. You’ve drunk the dregs of my anger and are laid waste. Listen. Never again will I pour out my anger on you… except in 70 AD with the Romans… But I’ll give the cup of my anger to your enemies now, because karma is a bitch.

 

Chapter 52:

God: Awake, Jerusalem. Get all dolled up. No longer will the Gentiles enter your gates.

Caesar Titus: Uh… about that….

God: Quiet. Anyway, I threw you into bondage for nothing and will redeem you for nothing. I’ve been watching you guys suffer everywhere and notice that all of the heathen keep making fun of Me, so I’m going to act now.

It’s sure going to be great one day when messengers arrive proclaiming the end of war. When God reigns and we can all celebrate and party. Everyone has seen now how big God’s arm cannons are. Dude can curl like 20,000,000 lbs.

God: OH YEA! (Tears his shirt off)

Everyone get out of Gentile-ville and don’t touch anything with their Gentile cooties on it. You’re not going to run, God will lead you out and cover your six.

God: I’M THAT BIG. ARGGGGG!!!  (flexes)

Jesus: Hey, Dad… we’re going to talk about me now, right?

God: FINE. LOOK AT THIS KID. DO YOU EVEN LIFT, BRO?

Jesus: No… you’re supposed to write about how I suffer for the sake of everyone now.

Jews: Are you sure that’s not a passage about us and your gospel writers were just retrofitting the story of Jesus to match up?

Jesus: Do you want to be a part of my future, possibly mythological, earthly kingdom or do you want to be killed with my sword mouth?

Jews: We’ll just be over here then. I hope this minor disagreement doesn’t lead to centuries of us being murdered by your followers.

Jesus: Hahaha… yeah… you keep hoping there, Sluggers.

 

Chapter 53:

God: Alright… my kid is super awesome. He doesn’t look like much… seriously, Jesus… hit the gym, would you? Would it kill you to do some power squats? Look at my glutes, Dude. Anyway, he’s not going to look like much, he’ll be betrayed, beaten, tortured, totally familiar with every one of your human sorrows and miseries. He’ll understand it all. And he has a really bad Friday involving nails going through his limbs and hanging him up on a tree. I’m totally going to beat the crap out of him because you guys lie and steal and jerk off too much.

They’re probably going to throw him into a peasant grave, but he’ll get buried in a cave instead.

Seriously, it makes me happy to torture the kid and have him killed. I’ve moved up from animals to humans now.

But all of you can come to heaven now… I guess… no uggos or wimps, though. Gotta be swoll.

Jesus: Daaaaad.

God: OKAY… FINE. UGGOS AND WIMPS CAN COME IN TOO.

The TL:DR Bible: Isaiah 48-50


Chapter 48:

God says, “Alright, everyone listen up. You guys in Judah who are supposed to be my people but are kind of jerks. I predicted the future and made it happen so you couldn’t say your gods did it, but you still don’t listen. Your fathers were rebels and so are you. Now I’ve been super nice to you guys and haven’t brought any plagues of vipers or incinerated any of you lately, because I want everyone to know about Me and how great I am.“

“So everyone will gather together again and I’m totally going to crush Babylon. I know I sent you there, but it was only because you guys make me so mad sometimes. But I really love you, Baby.  If only you guys would just do what I ask, I wouldn’t get so mad. But, uh, everyone go back to Judah when Babylon falls.”

 

Chapter 49:

“Hey, guys, Messiah here. God will protect me and has given me a sword. I’m going to do a work that will seemingly be in vain, but God will grant me justice and a great reward. I’m not only going to bring Israel back to the Lord, but all nations. Though I was despised, the nations will bow before me.”

God said, “I’ve answered you in a time of my own choosing. I will keep you and you will go and give a covenant to the people. You will free the captives and deliver those in darkness. You will feed them, provide for them, and bring them that thirst to water. Nations will gather to celebrate the redemption of Israel.”

Israel: “But God has forsaken us.”

God: “I can’t forget you guys. I see everything and am reminded of you. I will bless you abundantly. The other nations will bow down before you. I will make sure of it.”

 

Chapter 50:

God: Look, guys, I sent you away because you made me angry with your idols and sex orgies and stuff. But I can deliver you again. Why isn’t anyone coming to me?

Then Israel or Isaiah or the Messiah speaks again, “God has given me a mouth full of good words to bring comfort. God sustains me and gives me the power to listen and discern. I was not disobedient to him. I submitted to those that hurt me and wished to humiliate me. God helps me, so I am not ashamed. God’s vindication of me is near and no one can oppose his judgments. Trust in the Lord, and those who start fires will be burned with fire.”

 

The TL:DR Bible: Isaiah 45-47


Chapter 45:

God says to Cyrus, his chosen one, “Hey, Cyrus, this is God. I am totally writing this hundreds of years ago and not in the time after you’ve come to power, but before you die in Syr Darya in Uzbekistan. I’m totally giving you all the power you need to conquer nations and subdue them even though you don’t know me, because I’m God and I bring about good and evil. Yep. Me. Problem of evil… right in your faces. But don’t question me about it.

“So anyway, you’re going to help Israel go back to the land and rebuild Judah.

“And I’m going to give you Egypt and North Africa… which, okay you die before you conquer them, but I mean, I’ll give them to your son. Yeah, son. And everyone will say how awesome you and I are.

“I’m the only one who can save, not your dumb idols and everyone who doesn’t love me will be put to shame.”

 

Chapter 46:

The gods of Babylon are fallen. They couldn’t save the city.

“Everyone in Israel, I will be with you and carry you guys through. Unlike those stupid idols you keep making. They can’t help you, but I can. I can predict the future. Totally nailed that Cyrus the Great thing… more or less. And I’m totally going to deliver you guys any down now.”

 

Chapter 47:

“Hey, Babylon, God here. Ladies, I’ve seen you doing your magic and sorcery thinking you’re really powerful and stuff, but you’re not. You’re going to lose everything. Babylon will fall and your husbands and sons will die and you’ll be sitting in the dust naked. I gave up Judah to you, but you were mean to them, so you deserve all of this. But go ahead and try your magic spells, maybe they’ll save you.

No, they totally won’t because magic isn’t real.

The TL:DR Bible: Isaiah 42-44


Chapter 42:

God: Hey, guys, look at my servant. He is my chosen one. I put my spirit upon him and he will bring justice to the nations. He will not hurt the hurting or snuff out the faint of heart. He will bring justice and he will not be stopped until he has accomplished that purpose.

Guys, I made everything. I’ve picked you and I will watch over you guys. You’re to be a testimony of how to live to everyone else. Heal the sick, free the prisoners. I’m God and I’m not going to share the title with idols.

Isaiah: Everyone sing a new song to God. Tell him how great he is because a self-sufficient deity needs constant reminders of how cool he is.

God: I’ve been quiet for a while, but I’m going to nuke everything and I’ll lead the blind out of darkness and into a place of peace. Then everyone who worships idols will be ashamed.

Isaiah: Hey, you blind and deaf people. People who hear, but don’t hear and see, but don’t see. God gave us these really awesome laws and other not so awesome laws about slavery and buying women, but the point is you guys screwed up and now you’re miserable and God is punishing us.

 

Chapter 43:

So God says, “Don’t be afraid. I’ve redeemed you, Israel. I will be with you. You will not be harmed. I will gather all of your descendants from the lands I’ve scattered them in and bring them home.”

So everyone gather together and listen to how great the Lord is.

“I am pretty awesome,” God said. “I control everything unlike your other gods. And to show you how much I love you, Israel, I’m going to destroy Babylon. I control everything and make roads in the desert and take care of wild animals and they worship me. But you guys haven’t. You’re not killing sheep for me anymore. You’re not even making me cookies anymore. But you guys sure do love to sin. But I’ll take care of your sins for my own sake and won’t remember them anymore. But I will totally remember them and punish you guys.”

 

Chapter 44:

“But it’s okay because in the future, I will pour out my Spirit upon your descendants and they will know me and worship me the way I want to be worshipped.

“I’m totally God, all of your other gods suck.”

Isaiah: How stupid is it to worship an idol you make out of wood when you’re burning the same kind of wood in your firepits?

“It’s okay, guys,” God said. “I’ll forgive all of your sins, so come on back to Me. I’m the maker of all things and only I can tell the future. Judah will be rebuilt and Cyrus the Great will help you guys do it. Who’s Cyrus the Great, a king that is totally not born as of the writing of this prophesy we totally pinky swear wink wink? We’ll talk more about him in the next chapter.