Hey, everyone, Palpatine is back!
Yeah, Emperor Palpatine, he’s back, bitches! Woo! Palps in the house.
What about Kylo Ren… I thought he was going to be the new Supreme Leader of the First Order? Being his own man… leaving the past behind to die and rot? Killing Snoke to let the Sith and the Jedi both die…
Oh, he’s back, but now he’s okay with being the Emperor’s lackey and letting the Sith come back to power. Also, there are like a bunch of Sith cultists now sitting around a giant room and they have like 10,000 star destroyers with crew and Death Star guns that have been sitting under the ice on this planet for like 20 years.
Yep. 10,000 Death Stars. It’s the only logical end to the Star Wars saga. Search your feelings, you know it to be true.
Where the fuck did all this shit come from?
I don’t know.
How the hell is Palpatine alive when he was thrown into a reactor core, exploded and then the Death Star he was on exploded?
I don’t know.
Where did all these people come from and who trained them?
I don’t know.
Why the hell did they wait to build like 10,000 of these things? I’d think ten could have probably done the job of scaring everyone in the galaxy into agreeing to come back to the Empire.
I don’t know.
And how the hell did they pay for all this and do all of this shit in secret with nobody mentioning the zombie Emperor or all those thousands of Sith acolytes standing around chanting dramatically?
I don’t know. Look if you keep asking questions, we’re never getting through this movie.
Sorry, go on…
Anyway, Palpatine wants Kylo to kill Rey because she’s his granddaughter.
Oh, wow… so we’re just going to pretend that The Last Jedi didn’t happen, huh?
Last Jedi? Never heard of it.
I thought so. So what happened to the message that heroes can rise from anywhere and be anybody?
Anybody related to someone super powerful.
Also fuck you for making me think of melty faced old Palpatine getting busy with his melty, wrinkly lightsaber.
So why didn’t his son become a Sith?
You really didn’t think any of this shit through, did you?
They ran away and sold her to junk traders.
Why didn’t they just give her to Luke Skywalker or Princess Leia? Emperor Palpatine was dead… ish… Rey was born… checks Wikipedia… 11 years after Endor. The New Republic should be governing the galaxy by now. Why not just turn themselves in, claim asylum, and say, “Hey, we’ve got a new Jedi kid you might want to train so she doesn’t grow up evil like her dead grandpa?”
Hey, look! Finn is now Force Sensitive.
And Snoke was a meat puppet for Palpatine!
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. Anything else you want to pull out of your ass?
Everyone always knew that Rey was Emperor Palpatine’s Granddaughter all along.
Anyway, Palpatine sent out a broadcast to the galaxy saying, “I’m coming in sixteen hours to get my revenge.”
Why the hell would he tell everyone about his super evil plan before he’s executing his superevil plan?
To give the heroes a chance to stop it, duh.
So the heroes go and stop it?
No, first they have to go find a Sith Wayfinder to point them to the world where Palpatine and the Fleet are. So they go from world to world tracking down clues.
So now we’re watching a video game quest.
Look! It’s Lando! You love Lando, right?
I do love Lando.
Yeah. Also Kylo and Rey can now pass stuff to each other through the Force.
Sigh… sure… okay. Why not?
Leia dies sending Ben a Force message that turns Kylo back to being Ben Solo.
And Harrison Ford shows up to say, “Hey, son, why don’t you stop being a Nazi dick.” And this time Kylo’s like, “Sure.”
Well, that was super easy.
Barely an incon-
Shh… I don’t want to get sued.
Rey travels all the way back to Acht-to-
I see what you did there. Niiiiiice.
And they’ve travelled to and from like five different planets in less than sixteen hours?
Yep. Time and distance are insignificant compared to the power of the plot device.
Rey is super worried about becoming evil because of her genes, but Ghost Luke tells her to stop being all whiny and get on with wrapping up this movie.
That would be nice.
So she goes and Grampa Palps says, “Hey, kill me so I and the other Sith Lords can possess you. Won’t that be fun? Then we can kill the galaxy and play lawn darts, you scamp.”
What other Sith Lords?
All of them, you know. Palpatine is possessed by all of them.
Don’t ask questions. Just go with it.
That should have been the title of this movie.
But Rey says, “Nooooooooo!” and then Ben shows up to save her, but Palpatine uses Force Drain and it’s supereffective. So he goes back to being alive again.
Why didn’t he just drain all of the Sith and go back to being young man Palpatine?
Just go with it.
So Palpatine shoots up Force Lightning to disable all of the ships.
Just go with it.
And then Rey has like one hit point left… but all of the ghost Jedi give her a pep talk and she levels up and gets half her hit points back. And then Palpatine is like, “Hey, maybe I should finish off the super powerful Jedi just sitting in front of me who is the only thing standing between me and-
UNLIMITED POWER!! HAHAHAH!
Yeah. But Rey blocks his Force Lightning and reflects it back at him and he explodes and kills all of the Sith.
All thousands of them who sit around and watch this happen for no reason?
Yes. And then Rey dies, but Ben comes up and Force Heals her, and they kiss-
Totally warranted. But then Ben dies and fades away into the Force so Rey can’t Force Heal him and they go back and forth comically healing the other one and then dying.
So I guess the secret to stopping people from dying really wasn’t that hard to discover?
Nope. Anakin was just stupid.
He really sucked.
Then the Rebels have a party. A couple of women kiss in the background to piss off all the family values conservatives.
They’re already convinced that this movie is a gateway to Satan.
Chewie gets his medal.
Jesus, they’re really just listening to everyone on Twitter aren’t they? What’s next? Is Boba Fett gonna show up and explain how he escaped the Sarlaac Pit?
They Rey goes back to Tatooine to bury Luke and Leia’s lightsabers, because she has one of her own now that’s yellow. And someone asks her her name and she says, “Rey Skywalker.” Because she’s rejected her lineage and decided to become a Skywalker.
So she’s rejected one powerful family lineage and embraced a different powerful famous family lineage?
We’re, uh… we’re done with this, right?
Yep. Wanna go watch more Baby Yoda clips?
It is my destiny.