Tag Archives: big whoop

The Big Whoop Book: Chapter 5: Families


Am I right?

Goodness knows why you irritating little monkeys choose to cluster together with other irritating little monkeys so you can drive each other insane, but you do. And it’s clear from the state of things down there that you all could use a little help in how not to be an asshole to those irritating little monkeys that share strands of your DNA, but bear in mind that Big Whoop is not a therapist. Big Whoop continues, in fact, to not exist. So take everything we say on the matter with a grain of salt.

These are general guidelines and will not necessarily apply to your specific situation.

Are we good then? Celestial lawyers, are we good?

Right then.

Let’s start with parents.

Parents, listen to your children. Yes, yes, I know most of what they say is annoying and useless chatter about TV or video games or who isn’t friends with who anymore and dear God does this little monkey ever shut the hell up? Jesus Christ, why can’t I get a moment of silence so I can hear my own thoughts?! AHHHHHHHH!

But I digress. Listening to your child shows that you think they’re important and will hopefully allow you to build the sort of relationship where your child feels free to tell you anything. Even if it’s information you’d rather not know.

Also, read to them.

Hug your children.

Tell them that you love them.

Teach them to be kind.

Teach them why they should be kind. Empathy.

Discipline the little shits when you have to. But Big Whoop is not a proponent of spanking. Big Whoop doesn’t go around whacking you on the behind when you do something naughty, after all.

Don’t take your toddlers or elementary school kids to see rated R movies.

Take your screaming little monkeys outside if they refuse to be quieted.

If your child is sick, keep them home if at all possible. I realize some of you live in America and the rule of America is “Fuck you, I’ve got mine.” But do your best, okay?

Prayer is not medicine. Take your child to the doctor.

Unless there is a valid medical reason, vaccinate your children. Despite you being the product of several billion years of evolution from a single cell organism into a complex lifeform, there are still many, many single cell organisms that will fuck your shit up, yo. Give your child what advantages you can.

Spouses, realize that every little thing you do that annoys your partner will be done to you by your children and at some point, you will ask, “Wow. Am I really that much of an annoying cunt?”

Yes. Yes, you are. Deal with it and do your best to stop doing those things that irritate your partner and teach your kids to stop doing them too.

Provide for your children. If only because one day they will probably choose the old folk’s home you end up in.

Cherish the time you have with them. They’ll be out of the house sooner than you imagine.

Children, listen to your parents. They’ve lived longer. They’ve fucked up in all the ways one can fuck up and hopefully they’ve learned from it, so if you listen to them you might avoid fucking up the same way.

Give them respect if they deserve it.

Provide for them in their old age if possible.

Cherish the time you have with them. They’ll be gone sooner than you imagine.

If your parent is abusive, they have severed the relationship. Get help. If you are an adult who survived the abuse, you do not owe your parents anything.

Conversely, if your child is abusive towards you, they’re an asshole, cut them out of your life until they choose to change.

Husbands and wives, listen to your spouse. Make them feel heard. Let them know that they are important enough to you that you divert your full attention to them. Shut down the computer. Turn the phone off. Turn the volume on the TV down and make eye contact when they speak to you.

Love your spouse. Hug them. Kiss them. Leave notes for them. Bring them flowers or candy or oral sex often. This applies to men and women, Big Whoop is not selfish or sexist. Send the kids to grandma’s, and when they come home from work, greet them naked with a glass of their favorite adult beverage. Remember their birthday. Remember their favorite song. Remember their favorite restaurant. You have so many electronic devices to help you remember those things.

Look, my little monkeys. You have precious little time on this ball of dirt. Cherish one another while you’re there. And above all, be kind.


Big Whoop Book: Chapter Four

A few more questions from the mail bag:

Who created Big Whoop?

Now that is a very good question. The answer is “it’s none of your business, seriously, you don’t see Big Whoop diving into your family tree, now do you? We’re not nearly close enough to discuss the familial relations yet, so bugger off.”


Why did Big Whoop create in the first place?

Do you have any idea how dull eternity is? No? Imagine your life as it is continuing on forever. You get up, eat breakfast, drive to work, listen to inane chatter from your coworkers, eat lunch, work some more, drive home, curse at other monkeys in their cars, eat dinner, watch TV, drink wine, and pass out on the couch every day forever.

So if you found a little world with its very own chemistry set, you would probably decide to play around with it too.


Has Big Whoop ever appeared on Earth?

Yes. As a Mr. Tim Haverdashery of Cork County, Ireland. He spent a few decades herding sheep.


Herding sheep?

See the aforementioned problem of boredom with eternity.


Do you have any advice on how not to be an asshole at work?

Oh, yes. Let’s see.

  • If you drink the last of the coffee, make some more. Seriously, it take like two minutes. Stop being an asshole, Helen.
  • If you leave two drops of coffee in the coffee pot, just so you don’t have to make more, and yes, we all know it’s you, Dwayne, you’re an asshole. Just make another pot.
  • If something in the refrigerator does not belong to you, leave it the fuck alone.
  • Unless it’s been sitting there for six months and appears to have evolved into a new form of life. Then you should try to communicate with it. If it responds, leave it be. If it does not respond, throw it out. I mean, seriously, who leaves their food in the fridge for that long anyway?
  • Refill the paper in the copier if you use the last of it.
  • Do not reheat fish in the microwave. Seriously, you will go to Big Whoop’s Timeout Corner for Naughty Monkeys for a very long time if you do this.
  • Do not burn popcorn in the microwave.
  • Don’t be a gossip.
  • Don’t talk so loudly that people on the next floor up can hear you.
  • Do not come into work hacking and sneezing and dripping your disgusting mucus everywhere. Take a sick day.
  • Do not force your salaried employees to work overtime unless it’s absolutely necessary.
  • Pay your employees a living wage.
  • Give your employees the best benefits you can afford.
  • Don’t discriminate against someone based on their skin color, ethnicity, creed, religion, sexual orientation, gender, age, or any other thing that does not impact how well they can perform their job.
  • Keep your personal space clean, keep your communal spaces clean, keep your environment clean.
  • Don’t be evil.




The Big Whoop Book: Chapter 3

Before we begin, I sincerely apologize for missing our weekly talk last week. It would seem that in my transition to the mortal plane, I became susceptible to your mortal diseases like a common monkey and found myself suffering from a zombie virus that turned my eyes red and left me with a craving for human brains.

So, to make it up to you and especially the three of you who are now getting by on only 61% of your lovely delicious brains, I’ve talked it over with Big Whoop and he agreed that we should talk about the subject of sex this week.

I don’t feel the need to explain sex to you, since there are seven billion of you little monkeys running around down there, and ten times as many pornographic movies on your internet. You seem to have figured out the mechanics of sex quite well enough on your own.

But we will talk about what Big Whoop thinks of sex. For those of you coming from other religions, it will come as a pleasant surprise to you that Big Whoop is very sex positive. After all, he did invent sex.

Well… not really. He invented asexual reproduction. It was you little meat machines who evolved a bit and said, “Well, fuck that shit” and got right to boning like horny bunnies. But Big Whoop was very impressed by your enthusiasm for it and heartily approves of you animals bumping your naughty bits together in very creative ways.

Now, Big Whoop’s one guideline for sex is “Don’t be an asshole.”

Other than that, you go be straight, gay, bi, bi-curious, lesbian, asexual, trans-men, trans-women, trans-men into trans-women, trans-women into trans-women, straight men into three ways with women and transmen… whatever your little horny heart’s desire.

Big Whoop does not give a fuck who you fuck or where you fuck, even in the asshole, provided, of course, that you are not an asshole.

“But how do you know if you’re being an asshole?” you ask.

Are you hurting anyone with your ribald acts of carnality?

No? Then you’re not being an asshole.

What if they want you to hurt them?

Big Whoop is cool with that. You should see his browser history. Just make sure you communicate with your partner or partners openly and honestly first. And respect the boundaries that are set. This is sex. Everyone should be having a good time.

For the male monkeys, no one wants to see your genitals. They are not that impressive. If they were, they would already be in actual film, and not the sort of film you make with your smart phone. Frankly, your dangly bits are just weird. It’s like an elephant with saggy jowls is growing out of your pelvis. In fact, it’s making me vomit a little in my mouth just now. So stop taking and sending unwanted pictures of your genitals to other people. It’s not polite and you’re being an asshole if you do.

While we’re on the subject, keep your arms and hands inside the vehicle at all times. That is, don’t grab someone or touch someone unless you have permission to touch or grab them. You should have learned this in kindergarten.

It doesn’t matter what they are wearing. Why would you even ask that? Yes, he’s wearing a mankini. Perhaps he’s very proud of that beer belly and feels sexy showing it off to the world. It does not give you the right to grab ass without permission. So stop it.

It does not matter if you are ‘only joking.’ As an example, here is a very funny joke. Did you hear the one about the man who grabbed a woman’s genitals without her permission? She punched him in his testicles and he folded like someone looking at a two and a seven in poker.

It does not matter if they have previously shown off their bodies in a movie, television, magazine, or internet spread. Doing so doesn’t remove their ability to decide who gets to hump their leg like a naughty dog and who does not.

But, what if I think they’re okay with touching, but then find out that they’re not…

Then say you’re sorry and stop touching them. Don’t be a wanker. No, wait… to clarify, you can wank all you want, just don’t be an asshole.

What if they’re really hot, but they can’t tell me they don’t want to be touched?

Big Whoop is very big on the idea of consent, so don’t be an asshole and take sexual advantage of a drunk or incapacitated person. Get them home safely and leave. If you’re a standup sort of bloke, hold her hair while she vomits, tuck her into bed, go home or sleep on her couch, and get her a Sausage McMuffin and Coffee the following day. Hungover people appreciate that shit.

If you think someone is attractive and would like a date, ask them. If they say no, back off for a while. You may ask again later, maybe they really are busy that night, but if they say no a second time, stop bothering them.

If you are attracted to someone at work, read the situation. If you care about your job, Big Whoop suggests you follow your company’s rules about fraternization. If they say it’s okay to date, then ask the object of your affection on a date. If they say no, then respect their wishes. You get one… perhaps two tries, then you need to bugger off.

Do not use someone as an object for your own satisfaction.

Do not lie to someone in an attempt to get consent, do not lie to a partner, do not lie by omission to a partner about your fidelity. Big Whoop values honesty.

Consent should be clear and enthusiastic. Using coercion, power, or guilt to get laid is for assholes. Stop that shit.

Now, I think that should be a helpful guide to not being an asshole while running about humping every willing thing you meet like you humans do. And remember, as you’re grunting and moaning and sweating and making that weird face you monkeys make when you ejaculate… Big Whoop is watching… without pants.

The Big Whoop Book: Chapter 2

Your humble Exalted Reverend Most High Grande Nacho Supreme Poobah has been a bit under the weather this week. So he’s not going to suffer through both a mild bout of the flu and the Quran, so we will continue our exploration of our new religion, Whoopee, and our new deity Big Whoop. Today, we’ll be answering some questions that arose from finding out a new deity existed.

Why should I follow Big Whoop instead of my current deity?

That is a very good question. To answer that, let me ask you a question? Has your God ever decided to destroy the world and drown all of the cute baby meat critters because people suck? If so, that should be a good enough reason to consider a less homicidal deity.

Another good reason is that unlike all of the other deities out there, Big Whoop is honest enough to admit right up front that he does not, in fact, exist.

He doesn’t exist?

Not in the slightest.

Isn’t it kind of odd to follow a god that doesn’t exist?

That hasn’t stopped all of the other gods from building their own religions, so Big Whoop does not foresee this to be a problem for the most holy religion of Whoopee either.

Do you have any proof that Big Whoop doesn’t exist?

Yes. Unlike other deities, Big Whoop is not shy or timid about showing up in front of everybody and saying, “Hi there!” So you can rest assured that if Big Whoop did exist, you would damn well know it.

So is there an afterlife?


Big Whoop is terribly sorry about that. You see, Big Whoop actually didn’t intend to make humans. He was fiddling around with some amino acids some 4 billion years ago and constructed a single cell. It was quite cool. What was even cooler was that this little organic machine started to copy itself.

“That is neat-o,” said Big Whoop. “I wonder if I can build another one?”

So he build another little machine, then another. And they all copied themselves. Of course, some of them didn’t copy themselves so well, so soon there were billions of different kinds of little cells all floating about unconsciously in the ocean.

I think we can all agree that an afterlife for a little single cell is completely unnecessary, so Big Whoop didn’t bother constructing one.

I mean, he hardly expected you little cells to start organizing into meat creatures, let alone somehow attain consciousness and start asking philosophical questions about the meaning of life and such.

So, no, there is no afterlife. Big Whoop apologizes for the inconvenience.

Wait, couldn’t Big Whoop whip one up right now?

Well, of course, he could. But that might take years and frankly, some of you are looking like you can’t wait that long.

Also, there is the slight matter of Big Whoop’s non-existence which might put a bit of a dampener on any plans to construct an afterlife.

So, it might happen, but sadly, I cannot promise you an afterlife, no promise of eternity. Just a promise of now. You are alive now. You exist now. Enjoy it. Enjoy every little moment of your extremely improbable life. Cherish every hug, remember every kiss, think warmly of every joy, and remember that every sorrow is temporary for one day you will fall asleep and simply be gone.

That seems rather unfair.

I’m sorry, that wasn’t a question.

Doesn’t that seem rather unfair?

No more so than your previous non-existence before your birth was ‘unfair.’

Why would we be moral if there’s no afterlife?

Are you saying you really need the threat of punishment after death to be a moral person?

Uh… maybe?

Fine, I suppose we could humor you if you really are that psychologically damaged.

When you die, an angelic hall monitor shaped like a potato will arrive to take you to the Big Whoop’s Principal’s Office where he’ll look over your permanent record and decide how long you have to spend in Big Whoop’s Timeout Corner for Very Naughty Monkeys.

While stuck in Timeout, everyone you’ve ever met or ever will meet will come by and tell you to your face about all the times you were an asshole to them.

And once that’s over, you can go out and play at Recess.

Recess? Is that like heaven?

With the clouds and the harps and the constant telling a deity how wonderful he is? No. Recess is just that. Go outside, play, build your own little single-cell machines, smoke behind the gym, whatever, just get out of Big Whoop’s face and leave him alone. He has many god things to do, you know?

God things?

Yes. As in “none of your monkey business.”

It’s porn, isn’t it?

Oh, yes., You think you’ve seen nudity. You haven’t begun to comprehend the subject until you’ve seen two multi-dimensional entities phase shift into the sane plane and insert their ethereal glowy bits into one another’s semi-permeable membranes.

If Big Whoop is all-powerful and all-loving, why is there evil in the world?

Please refer back to the ‘he doesn’t exist’ answer.

But if you created Big Whoop, then doesn’t he exist in some capacity?

My, you are a clever hairless monkey, aren’t you?

Yes, I suppose in some capacity, now that I’ve created him, Big Whoop does exist. But since one of the attributes of Big Whoop is his non-existence, we’re left with a conundrum. “Conundrum” of course, being a very fancy word for saying that this religion doesn’t really make sense. And since no other religion cares about making sense, I fail to see why Big Whoop cannot both exist and not exist at the same time. A = Not A is only a problematic statement when you’re attempting to construct a logical argument after all, and faith is simply not logical.

Now then, this chapter has almost reached a thousand words, so I won’t bore you any further this week. We’ll be answering more of your questions regarding your new Lord and God in the coming weeks, but for now, we shall bring this chapter to a close. And to entice you to return, next week, we will discuss something you naughty monkeys are very fond of and obsessed over: sexual intercourse. Won’t that be a hoot?