I was surfing around online and came across a Christian gift idea so stunningly awful that it sent me down the rabbit hole of unintentionally funny or bad Christian gifts. So to help you with your holiday shopping for your devout Christian friends and family, I’d like to present to you my holiday gift guide for Christians in your life that you hate.
Finally, a holiday gift for the Evangelical Christian who is also a massive Sons of Anarchy fan in your life:
I hope your game at getting into heaven is better than your game on the court, son, or you will get REJECTED again!
Seriously, Jesus is like, “GET THAT LAYUP SHIT OUT OF MY FATHER’S HOUSE!”
Speaking of “Sports fan Jesus,” do you know what a 1st century Judean rabbi who lived in a desert his entire life would be super good at? HOCKEY!
Continuing on the Sports theme, did you ever want a picture of ‘roided up Jesus pinning 19th century philosopher Karl Marx? You do now
“BLESSED ARE THE RICH, KARL! FOR THEY ARE THE JOB MAKERS! OH YEAAAAAAAH!”
Continuing on with bad T-shirts, is this gem:
Which I almost feel bad making fun of it, because I can just imagine it’s the product of some desperate wife out there saying, “Honey, I love Macross and Dragon Ball Z too, but you have to stop looking at tentacle porn! How can I compete with a 14 year-old Japanese schoolgirl with 44DDD breasts being raped by a tentacle monster?”
Also, obvious joke, “In Japan, Jesus always comes first…” is obvious.
And in more sex ideas, as if sex between two guilt ridden virgins who had been trained to think of sex as evil their entire lives wasn’t awkward enough, here’s a constant reminder that each time you do it with your spouse, it’s always a threesome because Jesus is there.
He’s watching you guys. He knows where you’ve asked Sarah to stick that dildo, Bob… Marriage takes three…
And if you needed another reminder, Ghost Jesus is watching you masturbate.
If you travel North, you’ll find Superman and Santa and Jesus.
The Lord might be my strength, but this is my knife. There are many like it, but this one is mine…
Are you a Christian who wants to let everyone know that you haven’t actually read the words of Jesus Christ?
Look no further than this gem of a coffee mug:
Heaven is a GATED COMMUNITY, LIBTARDS! WOO!
I hope that helps with your Christmas shopping, everyone.