Tag Archives: Dick move God

The TL:DR Bible: Ezekiel 19-24


Chapter 19:

God tells Zeke to sing a lament to Judah.

It’s a story about a lioness who has two cubs, representing Israel and Judah, both of which end up captured, one in a deep pit, the other in a cage, carted off to Babylon.

Zeke then compares Judah to a withered grapevine again, that is taken up and planted in the deserts of Babylon.

 

Chapter 20:

God repeats himself in his perfect book for the 100th time, recounting how He saved Israel and then they were assholes to him and worshipped other gods, but after He’s done beating the snot out of them, He’ll make everything great again.

 

Chapter 21:

God repeats himself again and tells Zeke to tell everyone that a sword is coming to Judah. Then God predicts doom upon the Ammonites.

 

Chapter 22:

God lists off the sins of Judah:

  • They were violent.
  • They worshipped idols
  • They neglected their elderly
  • They oppressed the poor and defenseless
  • They lied
  • They were lewd
  • They were corrupt in their offices
  • They made profits and interest off the misery of others

So God promises to wipe out their dishonest gain and judge them harshly. Prophet, priest, and prince alike were corrupt and violent in their greed, so that God could not find one good man to intercede on the city’s behalf.

 

Chapter 23:

“So, there were two sisters that I married, Samaria and Judah. They were both harlots who cheated on me constantly with other gods, so I gave the sister Samaria into the hands of the Assyrians who stripped her, took her children, and killed her. But her sister kept it up, so she slept with the Babylonians, but didn’t like them. She lusted after Egypt where her lovers had dicks the size of a donkey’s with ejaculations the amount out of a horse. So I’m going gather all of her lovers together and they will destroy and pillage you.”

I could have summarized that with fewer words, but how often does the bible give you a chance to discuss donkey penises and horse emissions?

 

Chapter 24:

God: Jerusalem is like a pot. I’m going to boil everyone in it.

“Okay…”

“Hey, Zeke…”

“Yeah?”

“Object lesson time.”

“What this time, Lord?”

“I’m going to kill your wife. The love of your life.”

“What? You’re going to kill my wife?”

“Yeah, that’s right.”

“Why? Why would you do that?”

“To teach the people a lesson. See, I’m going to kill her, but you can’t cry about it or wail or mourn her at all.”

“Why?”

“Because when I take Jerusalem and the people’s loved ones from them, they won’t be able to mourn or cry or wail about it either. You’ll be a sign to them.”

“You’re going to kill my life, the woman I love… as a sign to people who won’t even see it or care?”

“That’s right.”

“Dick move, Bro. Dick move.”

The TL:DR Bible: Jeremiah 11-14


Chapter 11:

God tells Jeremiah to go tell the cities of Judah that they’ve broken the covenant with God and God will bring disaster upon them. Some jerks in the city of Anathoth don’t like the message and threaten Jeremiah, so God tells him don’t worry about it, he’s going to kill them all within a year.

 

Chapter 12:

Jeremiah says, “Hey, God? Why are you letting evil people prosper? And evil people? No one likes you, not even your family.”

God says, “I’m really angry at them and will let another nation destroy Judah, but then I’ll be nice God again and let them come back.”

Anyone else starting to think that Jeremiah could be a much shorter book since just about every chapter has the exact same prophesy?

 

Chapter 13:

“Hey, Jerry.”

“Oh… hi, God.”

“Jerry, go down to the market and buy a new linen cummerbund, put it on and wear it for a while, but don’t wash it.”

“O-kay…”

Several days later.

“Okay, take the cummerbund and go to the river Euphrates and bury it there.”

“Euphrates? Seriously, that’s like 800 miles away. It’ll take weeks to get there, even riding a camel. Can’t we just use the Jordan river?”

“No, it’s very important that it’s the Euphrates.”

“Okay, but if I get back and you tell me to go back and dig it up again, I’m going to be pissed.”

Several months later…

“Jerry, go dig up that cummerbund.”

“DAMN IT!”

Several weeks later…

“Okay, it’s ruined.”

“Just like Judah…”

“Seriously? That’s your great object lesson that took like eight months out of my life?”

“Pretty much, yeah…”

“This job sucks.”

“Why don’t you go tell everyone I’m going to kill them again because they’re assholes?”

“Sigh… I wonder if Ba’al is hiring…”

 

Chapter 14:

“Hey, God?”

“Yeah, Jerry?”

“I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but the drought down here is pretty severe. Maybe you could help us out so we don’t all die? Yeah, I know we’ve been assholes and worshipped other gods, but please have mercy on us.”

“No. And stop praying for them because I’m going to kill them all with the sword.”

“But if you kill us all with drought first, there won’t be anyone left to die by the sword. And anyway, don’t blame the people. There’s a bunch of other prophets out here saying that you won’t kill us all with the sword.”

“Heh… they don’t know me, do they?”

“I guess not…”

“Now I’m going to extra super kill those prophets by the sword! Oh, and everyone else too!”

“Okay, but about the drought? Maybe you could do something about that too?”

“Eh…I’ll think about it.”

The TL:DR Bible: Job 33-42


Chapter 33:

Elihu speaks:

“I’m going to speak now. I’m not God. I was just made by God like you, so maybe you won’t be scared to hear from me?”

“Now you’ve said you’re pure and that God is finding guilt and punishing you when there is no guilt. That God sees you as an enemy, but you’re wrong. God is greater than we are. Why do you complain that He won’t tell you why you suffer? God does speak, but no one hears it. He teaches us, so that we might live. He hurts us, so that we go near death, so He can bring us back from the pit and we might appreciate life… you know… like Jigsaw from that series of movies that started out okay, but just stopped making sense even before the Dread Pirate Wesley cut off his own foot? Anyway, God hurts us, so we can come back from death and tell everyone how great He is for only making us suffer a little bit instead of killing us.”

 

Chapter 34:

Elihu continues, “Sure Job says he’s not guilty, but God is just and God repays every man according to his deeds. Job walks with wicked men and speaks profanely when he says being on God’s good side profits a man nothing.”

“God can’t do wrong. He’s not going to act badly or without justice. He’s the guy in charge, and if He chooses to, He can kill us all anytime He chooses and no one could complain about that. God sees everything, so He chooses to destroy some men. The strongest, He crushes and sets another in their place.”

“Who are we to challenge Him or complain? Has any of us suffered at the hand of God and stopped sinning? God’s going to do to you what seems right to Him, not what seems right to you. Mysterious ways and all that stuff.”

“But you’re sinning more, Job, by complaining about your suffering.”

Elihu apparently is a Calvinist.

 

Chapter 35:

“You don’t give anything to God by being righteous. God is not hurt by your sinning. Your actions only affect men. People cry out and God does not answer because of their pride. So when you complain that God is silent, you’re being arrogant. God knows your state and you just have to wait for Him to get around to destroying you or helping you out. You know, whatever He chooses because we’re pretty much cosmic pawns here is what I’m getting at.”

 

Chapter 36:

“Now, I’m not going to boast here, but I’m perfect in knowledge.”

“God is great. God punishes the wicked. God delivers the righteous and…”

Okay, I’m going to break in because Elihu says nothing worth mentioning that hasn’t been said before. Seriously, Elihu, all of Job’s friends have repeated this same mantra for the last 35 chapters and it still doesn’t make it true. The wicked do pretty damn well in the world, while the innocent suffer immensely and huddle together in airports and tents in the middle of the desert without food and water. Repeating the mantra that if we just worship God the right way, everything will work out is bullshit. I know a couple tangentially who are watching their three year-old slowly die of cancer. Good people, love God. What possible sins could a three year-old commit to deserve pediatric cancer, you Bronze Age half-wit?

Back to Job, I guess…

“Our God is an awesome God. He reigns from heaven above with wisdom, power and love. Our God is an awesome God…” (Who occasionally doles out cancer to children…)

 

Chapter 37:

Elihu spends one more chapter telling us just how bloody great God is.

 

Chapter 38:

God shows up. “Hey, Job, stop talking shit. Are you God? Do you know what it’s like to be Me? I created the universe and you’re going to tell Me that I’m wrong?”

 

Chapter 39:

God says, “Do you watch animals give birth? Do you know everything about the critters running around down there? Because I do. You just don’t understand what it’s like being God.

 

Chapter 40:

Job says, “Okay, I don’t know what it’s like to be God. So fine, I’ll stop complaining about my suffering.”

God says, “Oh, are you going to complain to Me? Is the little insignificant speck going to say I’m wrong? Why don’t you try being God and then I’ll answer to you. Did you make a mythical monster Behemoth? I didn’t think so.”

 

Chapter 41:

“How about a mythical sea beast Leviathan? I made that. Yeah. So there….”

 

Chapter 42:

“Oh Lord, you can pretty much do whatever the hell you want to do, so I’m really sorry.”

So God speaks to Job’s friends and says, “Hey, you guys were talking bad about Me to Job. You kept saying I punished the wicked and rewarded the righteous, instead of telling Job that He’s just too dumb and insignificant to understand why I do the things I do. You better get Job to pray for you or I’m going to kill you.”

So Job prays for His friends and God spares them.

Then God restores Job’s fortunes and gives him ten new children which were more handsome and more attractive than the last ten kids, so I guess that makes up for having killed the first ten, right? Anyway, Job died 140 years later happy.

And presumably, Satan had to pay God a dollar for losing their bet.

The TL:DR Bible: Job 1-2


Chapter 1:

I LOVE this book.

I love it on more than one level. As an early treatise on the problem of evil, it’s pretty poignant in its portrayal of a man who did all the right things and lost anyway and his demands for an answer as to ‘why’ from the universe.

Read literally, it is insane.

Right away, we’re introduced to Job. Job is a rich guy, but Job is also a good guy. He does the right things. He has a large family: seven sons and three daughters. He has land. All the kids have their own houses, and when he hears that his kids have had a party, Job goes the extra mile and kills an animal for each of them just in case they got drunk and did something stupid that made God mad.

Meanwhile, in heaven, God is having the quarterly performance reviews for His angels.

God: Okay, Gabe, don’t spend that 3% raise all in one place. Ha ha… sigh… I hate these things. It’s so boring. Jesus, who’s next?

Jesus: Looks like Lucifer.

God: Well, I guess he’s always good to stir things up. Send him in.

Lucifer: If it isn’t the big boss man.

God: Lou, haven’t seen you in a while. What have you been up to?

Lucifer: Oh, just walking around down there on the Earth looking at those hairless apes you breathed consciousness into.

God: Oh, hey, have you seen that guy, Job? He’s the most righteous man that’s down there. There’s no one like him.

Lucifer: I bet you if you let me ruin his life, he’d totally curse you.

God: I’ll take that bet.

Down on the Earth, Job is hanging out on his front porch.

Messenger 1: Dude, some raiders killed all of your slaves and took the donkeys and the oxen.

Messenger 2: Job, God sent FIRE FROM HEAVEN to kill all the sheep and ALL THE SLAVES you had watching them.

Messenger 3: Raiders took the camels and killed all the slaves you had watching over them.

Messenger 4: Uh, hey, Job, all your kids are dead.

Job gets up, shaves his head, tears his robe, and worships God.

“Well, I came into this world with nothing, I will leave it with nothing. God gave me everything and He has taken it all away. Blessed be His name.”

 

Chapter 2:

Back in heaven, God continues to give performance reviews.

God: Okay, Mikey, keep up the good work and I’ll see you in three months.

Jesus: Dad, Lucifer is back.

God: I told you, when we’re in the office, call me, “Mr. God.”

Jesus: Okay, Mr. God. Lucifer is back.

God: Send him in. Hey, Lou. What have you been up to now?

Lucifer: You’re supposed to be omniscient, you tell me.

God: Have you seen Job?

Lucifer: Well, if you were omniscient, you would know that I have. Frankly, you’d also know that he wasn’t going to curse you and we wouldn’t have had to have this bet. It’s not like You have to prove anything to me anyway. But if you must know, yes, I’ve seen Job, and I bet that if you let me give him a painful disease, then he’d curse you.

God: Okay, challenge accepted.

Lucifer: Are you really sure you want to do that? I mean, if you write this down in your book, you’re going to look even worse than me.

God: I said, challenge accepted.

Down on Earth, Satan gives Job itching, painful, running boils that crust over.

Job’s wife: Just curse God and die, would you? He obviously hates you.

Job: Don’t be foolish. God can do whatever He wants with me.

Then Job’s three friends come by to visit him and comfort him. They don’t recognize him when they see him and weep. They tear their clothes and throw dirt on their heads and sit down with him for three days.

The TL:DR Bible: Ezra 7-10


Ezra continues to be mundane before it becomes infuriatingly awful. So… yea?

Chapter 7:

The titular Ezra finally shows up. In the reign of Artaxerxes, Ezra is dispatched by the king to go and take more gold and silver offerings to Jerusalem for use for worship and sacrifices. It shouldn’t be assumed that Artaxerxes was converted, but rather that the Persian Empire had a very pragmatic view of religion. They wanted to be on the relatively good side of any deities a subject people might worship.

Ezra is also given the power to enforce Jewish religious law on the land and punish transgressors up to the death penalty for failing to adhere to the Jewish law.

So Ezra and a bunch of other Jewish leaders go from Persian and Babylon to Jerusalem.

 

Chapter 8:

Here’s a list of the people travelling with Ezra.

Ezra arranges his travel entourage and holds a fast to ask God for a safe journey because he was embarrassed to ask the king for a detachment of troops to guard them from bandits because Ezra had told the king that God would protect them.

So they fast, then they set out and don’t run into any bandits and arrive in Jerusalem and rest for three days before invoicing the king’s gifts to the Temple and consecrating them to the service of Yahweh.

Everyone kills some animals for God, as you do, I guess.

 

Chapter 9:

Some of the leaders come to Ezra:

Leaders: Hey, some of the Jewish guys are getting married to foreigners and engaging in some race mixing.

Ezra tells them to stop being so racist and that as long as everyone converts to the Jewish religion and puts away idols and false gods from among them, it’s super cool…ha, just kidding, Ezra totally freaks out about mixing the pure Jewish genes with the polluted foreigners.

So Ezra is a bit of a drama queen and sits in silence as everyone gathers around him, then he prays aloud to the crowd, I mean… to Yahweh and says, “Oh Lord, I am ashamed and disgraced to lift up my face to you.  Our fathers f’ed up badly, so you made bad things happen to us. But then you were gracious and stopped letting bad things happen to us and let us come back to Israel. But now we’ve sinned against you because you told our ancestors not to marry heathen devil foreigners and we have. We’re totally evil. And you’re probably going to kill us… because we engaged in interracial marriage… because yes, this is apparently a horrible thing in this book… Amen.”

 

Chapter 10:

So one of the guys who married a foreign girl comes up to Ezra as he’s crying and throwing himself on the ground like a super drama queen, and says, “Dude… what if we divorce our icky foreign wives and disown our icky half-breed children and send them away for God?”

And Ezra says, “Sure. That’ll work.”

Not “That’s monstrous!” or “That’s evil!” or “God hates divorce!” or “It’s your bloody children, you unloving asshat!”

Ezra (and by proxy God) says, “Sure. That’s fine. Swear an oath that you’ll do it.”

Now everyone gather together and sing, “Jesus loves the little children… except the heathen devil foreigners…”

So Ezra and the Levites oversee the divorce and banishment of the foreign wives and the children of these relationships. It takes three months for them to be done with it, but finally, Israel is racially pure, I guess, and those women and their children are out in the streets, but that’s their problem for having the audacity to be sold to (or fathered by) the wrong guy, I guess.

And to further shame the guys who engaged in interracial marriages, here’s a list of the “gross sinners.”

Takeaway lesson: If your religion demands that you abandon your wife and your children, you’re doing it wrong.

Takeaway lesson 2: Ezra is a dick.

The TL:DR Bible: 2 Chronicles 34-36


Chapter 34:

Are we done yet? Why did the old theology nerds insist that this was canon when we had two perfectly “good” books of Kings telling the same stories?

Josiah takes the throne at age 8 and probably orders that every meal include candy and whipped cream. My kids would. Hell, my seven year old practically threw a conniption because I gave him the wrong cereal this morning.

At 16, he starts looking into religion and decides that Yahweh is the choice for him, so he starts purging the land of other cults and other gods again. At age 18, surprisingly somehow the priests find a book.

Priests: Hey, king, we, uh… we totes found this book and it tells you to listen to us and we’re the only ones that can speak for God and you should worship our God and kill all those other priests of other gods, so… isn’t that cool?

Jo: Sounds good to me.

So the king reads the book and realizes that God must be super angry with them because God is a big believer in collective guilt and punishing the kids because their fathers were idolaters, even though it didn’t seem to be a problem for Jacob or David who both had idols…so Jo has a sad, and God notices Jo has a sad and tells Jo that it’s okay, God won’t utterly destroy Judah until after Jo is dead. Isn’t that great?

Jo: That’s future king’s problem! Woo-hoo!

 

Chapter 35:

Jo holds the Passover meal for the entire nation.

Then comes this next part, which the author says went down like this…

God: Hey, Pharaoh…

Pharaoh: DON’T KILL ME!

God: Hahahaha… oh, you Egyptians… that stuff I did was like a thousand years ago, lighten up.

Pharaoh: What do you want?

God: Go and take your army and kill those guys over there by the Euphrates.

Pharaoh: Why do they need to die?

God: Is that the sound of frogs I hear?

Pharaoh: Okay, okay, I’m going…

Josiah: Hey, man, your army is pretty close to us.

Pharaoh: I’m on a mission from God.

Josiah: God hasn’t told me anything about letting an Egyptian army through my country, and I’ve been a super good king and Yahweh worshipper. We even just had the Passover celebrating the time God totally killed all of you Egyptians… surely God would have warned me not to interfere with you if He wanted me to let you go through my lands.

So they fight, and Josiah is shot by an archer and dies.

God: Oh, hey, guys… sorry, I got distracted by this thing in Alpha Centauri… Hey, Josiah, let Pharaoh march through… oh… I’m… well, this is going to look awkward in My book.

And Judah mourns their last good king. The prophet Jeremiah writes some dirges for him possibly because he felt bad that he didn’t tell Jo that God wanted Pharaoh to go and kill some people. And they bury him.

 

Chapter 36:

Jehoahaz becomes king and he was an asshole, so he got deposed by the Pharaoh.

Jehoiakim becomes king and he was an asshole, so he got deposed by Nebuchadnezzar.

Jehoiachin becomes king and he was an asshole, so he got deposed by Nebuchadnezzar.

Zedekiah becomes king and he was an asshole, so Nebuchadnezzar came up and just messed the dude up and burned Jerusalem and looted it and carried most of the surviving Jews off to exile.

Then seventy years later, after the Persian Empire rises to prominence, Cyrus the Great orders the Jews to go back home and build a Temple and the Jews lived happily ever after… if you stop reading the history books right at this moment.

 

Oh, thank God, it’s over. I thought this book was going to break my resolve to read through the bible. I won’t promise not to make any Better than Ezra jokes next time, so you’re forewarned.

The TL:DR Bible: 2 Chronicles 25-33


Hey, I’m back. New Year, very old book. How were your holidays? Unlike mine, I hope they were relatively vomit free, since I’m pretty after reading Leviticus that any bodily secretion makes you unclean, and I wouldn’t want any of you spontaneously bursting into flames during the first chorus of “Oh, Little Town of Bethlehem…”

Well… I wouldn’t want that to happen to most of you.

 

Chapter 25:

Amaziah takes the throne and has his dad’s assassin’s killed, but spares their families, which, considering the time, was pretty darned liberal of him, so good for him.

But Amaziah gets the itch to go raiding, so he organizes his military and appoints officers and hires some mercenaries from Israel.

Prophet: Hey, dude, God hates those guys.

Amaziah: What? The Jews?

Prophet: Well, when you put it that way, you make it sound awkward… but totally, he can’t stand those guys and their idol worshipping, so if you bring them with you, they’re going to cause you to lose.

Amaziah: But I already paid them up front and it’s kind of difficult to ask heavily armed men to give you your money back.

Prophet: Well, you’re going to make a lot of money raiding the Edomites, so be happy with that.

Amaziah: Fine. Hey, Northern Jews, go home. God says he doesn’t like you.

Israelites: Oh, okay, well, we’re still ready to raid places, so I guess we’ll raid and pillage your cities on the way home.

Amaziah: Thanks, God.

So Amaziah goes up to the Edomites and smites them and takes 10,000 prisoners whom he then throws off of a cliff. So, yeah, he’s still an ass.

Then Amaziah takes their gods and brings them back to Judah and decides to worship them.

Prophet: Dude… seriously? You’re worshipping the loser gods that couldn’t protect the Edomites from you?

Amaziah: Shut up, man. This god with many boobs and this god with a giant penis get me, man… they get me…

Prophet: Fine, God’s going to mess you up too, then.

So Amaziah gets the itch to go raiding again and he maybe remembers that the Israelites plundered his cities and killed three thousand of his people, so he challenges Israel to a fight.

Jehoash: Hey, little guy, be content with your victory over Edom. We’re out of your league.

Amaziah: You wanna go, bro. Come at me, bro! Come at me!

(In my mind, Amaziah is played by Mark Wahlburg.)

So Jehoash comes at him and trounces Amaziah and captures him. He takes him to Jerusalem and breaks down a section of the wall. He takes all the loot from the city and some hostages and leaves for Israel.

And then Amaziah gets assassinated.

 

Chapter 26:

Uzziah takes over at sixteen, he kicks off a building project and Yahweh is pretty happy with him so long as he’s got a spiritual advisor to guide him.

He raids the Ammonites and the Arabs and the Philistines and wins.

He rebuilds and fortifies Jerusalem. He has a love of horticulture and gets involved in appointing farmers and landsmen. He reforms and builds up the army and oversees some innovations in city defense.

But then he wonders why he needs the priests, so he goes into the Temple and offers some incense to God.

Priests: Hey, man, that’s not cool.

Uzziah starts yelling and shouting and cursing at the priests and God sees this:

God: Okay, well, dude, that’s wrong… and I could tell you to stop it, but instead I’ll just give you leprosy. That should teach you a lesson.

They rush him out of the Temple and Uzziah is forced to live in seclusion and his son Jotham becomes regent in his stead until Uzziah dies.

He even gets a separate grave, because he has the leprosy cooties that will infect the dead apparently.

 

Chapter 27:

Jotham takes the throne and realizes that he should just leave Yahweh alone and stick to being king. He does some building projects and fights the Ammonites and steals their stuff and then he dies and Ahaz takes the throne.

 

Chapter 28:

Ahaz takes the throne and he’s an asshole. He abandons the cult of Yahweh and worships other gods and engages in human sacrifice, but he kills his own kids instead of the kids of the Canaanites, so that’s not kosher with Yahweh, so God lets him lose a lot of battles. And this is totally because of the idolatry and not because Ahaz sucks as a general and spent all of his time building up level one grunts instead of investing in his town and building up some Griffons or Wyverns or Death Knights. F***ing noob.

Three nerds are laughing right now at that joke.

So Israel comes down and fights Ahaz and he loses and they capture two hundred thousand women, girls, and sons to go off and be slaves and sex slaves. But the prophet Oded meets the army and says:

“Hey! What the hell? God only let you win because he was angry with Judah for worshipping the same gods you worship… okay, admittedly, that makes no sense, but it sounded better in my head. Anyway, give back the women and children or God’s going to get angry with you.”

So, after some discussion, they send the women and children home with some clothes and shoes, because, you know, they previously stripped them naked because people are horrible.

Then the Edomites attack and the Philistines attack and Ahaz is stupid and appeals to Assyria for help, which would kind of like the Baltic states in WW2 asking Hitler for help in fending off the Russians. You can’t trust him and it’s not going to end well. And it doesn’t. Ahaz tries to bribe the king of Assyria, but he takes the bribe and continues to raid Judah anyway.

So Ahaz goes, “Hey, I guess I’ll try some new gods. Those Aramean gods look cool.”

Surprisingly, a change of religion doesn’t help him. He desecrates Yahweh’s temple and seals it shut, and then he dies and Hezekiah takes over.

 

Chapter 29:

Hezekiah takes the throne and he reopens the Temple and calls everyone together.

Hez: Okay, guys, we’re doing another religion change again. We’re going back to Yahweh and everything here sucks not from poor management, corruption, and incompetence, but because our fathers chose the wrong religion.

Israelite: Then why are the Assyrians doing so well?

Hez: Uh… because they’re not chosen by God…

Israelite: Maybe he should choose them instead and then we can be great and powerful and still have sex orgies to our gods.

Hez: Look, it doesn’t work that way, okay?

Israelite: Maybe it should!

Hez: Can someone just put him outside, please? Okay, look, we’re going back to Yahweh worship, so everyone get on board or else, okay? Levites? Go clean everything up and open the Temple. People? Bring me animals to kill. Yahweh seems to like it when we do that. Get a band together. So they have a shindig, a lot of critters die, and everyone is back on board with Yahweh.

 

Chapter 30:

They celebrate the Passover and thousands more critters die. Everyone is happy and full of lamb.

 

Chapter 31:

After this, fundamentalist religious mobs go about all the cities in Judah smashing up idols and altars of other gods.

Then Hezekiah reorganizes the priesthood. Hey, guys, I’m starting to think that there was a lot of political infighting between the kings and the priestly caste over who should get the most influence and perks from their position.

 

Chapter 32:

The Assyrians are on the march, and Hezekiah fortifies Jerusalem and sabotages some water sources near the city to put stress on the Assyrian army.

Uh… we’ve read all this before. The Assyrians trash talk Judah and God and Hezekiah says, “Hey, God, you hear this shit?” And God sends down an angel and kills 180,000 Assyrians for trash talking him.

So the Assyrians slink away and Hezekiah feels pretty good about himself, and God can’t let that stand, so God makes him sick, and Hezekiah repents for feeling good about himself and God says, “Okay, I won’t punish you, I’ll punish the generations that follow yours! Don’t let anyone say I’m not a just and fair God!”

And Hezekiah does more stuff, building projects and stuff and then he dies and Manasseh takes the throne.

 

Chapter 33:

Advisors: Okay, Manasseh, your twelve and king, so it’s very important that we talk about some things.

Manasseh: Phhpppt… what?

Advisors: Can you… can you put down the Game Boy, son? We need to talk to you.

Manasseh: Sigh…. FINE! What?

Advisors: Okay, well, we’ve got lots of religious cults in the kingdom and people are curious… could… could you look at us while we’re talking to you? Manasseh? Okay… what religion are you going to support?

Manasseh: Sigh… what are my choices, nerds?

Advisors: Okay, your dad went with Yahweh. You’ve got to live by a bunch of rules and kill animals to make him happy.

Manasseh: Sounds pretty metal, but I don’t know about the rules…

Advisors: Or… you can go with the fertility goddess and see lots of boobies.

Manasseh: BOOBIES!

So Manasseh screws everything up and goes whole hog in on foreign gods and orgies and who could possibly have guessed that giving a twelve year-old boy absolute power would work out so poorly?

Then Assyria comes up and takes him hostage and leads him away with a hook in his nose to an Assyrian jail for a time out, and while in jail, Manasseh decides to find Jesus as all ex-cons do, and he gets to come back and be king again.

But this time, he’s learned his lesson and he starts cleaning up the country from idols, but God is still hacked off and planning on destroying Judah. Then Manessah dies and his son Amon takes the throne, but he only lasts two years before he’s assassinated and his son Josiah takes the throne.