Tag Archives: Dick move God

The TL:DR Bible: Hosea


Chapter 1:

This takes place back before Judah and Israel fell.

God: Hey, Hosea, I want you to go marry a prostitute and have kids with her. It’s an object lesson.

Hosea: One that’s probably going to cause me a lot of heartache and misery?

God: The best kind!

So Hosea marries a whore named Gomer and they have a son.

God: Name him Jezreel, because I’m going to judge Jehu for all of the blood he shed at Jezreel… even though I was the one who told him to do it.

Then Hosea and Gomer have a daughter.

God: Name her “No compassion” because I’m not going to have compassion on Israel anymore, but I will have compassion on Judah and deliver them… even though in another 100 years I’m going to be done with them too because they’ll be even worse than Israel and I should know this because I’m omniscient.

Then Hosea and Gomer have another son.

God: Call him “Not mine” because… well, he ain’t yours… also I’m rejecting Israel as my people. But one day, you all will be my people again.

 

Chapter 2:

God: Israel is like a whore. She’s a whore wife and I’m going to expose her whoredom for all of her whore friends and whore lovers to see. She’s been cheating on me with Ba’al, so I’m going to punish her. This all sounds familiar by now. I wonder if He’s going to restore Israel after He’s done beating the shit out of them for their whoredom?

Yep.

 

Chapter 3:

God: Hey, Hosea? Remember how I told you to marry a hooker, and then she left you and went out and slept with a bunch of other dudes for money?

Hosea: Yeah. Thanks for that, by the way.

God: Go and marry her again.

So Hosea has to buy her from a slave market, marries her and says, “Okay, this time, you’re going to stay home and not go out and bone lots of other men for money, and I’m not going to be your husband for a long time, just as Israel won’t have any royalty for a long time, but they’ll come and return to God and beg God to get back together with them. And God will be like, “Oh, who is this? Yeah, I’m totally seeing this other girl. She’s a model from Canada. You wouldn’t know her.”

 

Chapter 4:

Stop me if you’ve heard this before:

God is pissed off at Israel for worshipping other gods and having sex with Temple prostitutes.

 

Chapter 5:

God’s still angry about idolatry. He’s also really angry at the priests for engaging in it.

 

Chapter 6:

Israel decides to repent after God’s judgement, but God is like, “You always say you’re sorry for seeing other gods, but then you go out and see them again, so I’m going to judge you some more.”

 

Chapter 7:

Israel has some issues, God says. They’re adulterers, idolaters, thieves, and they keep assassinating their rulers. I’m totally going to kill them.

 

Chapter 8:

More “You’re all filthy sinners, so I’m going to destroy and kill and pillage and burn shit down” from God.

 

Chapter 9:

“Hey, enjoy not worshipping me when you’re all stuck in Assyria and Egypt eating bacon,” God says as He continues to promise judgement on Israel.

 

Chapter 10:

“You guys used to be a fruitful vine, now you’re poisonous weeds. You trust in your own defenses, so I’m going to destroy those and give you over to your enemies.”

 

Chapter 11:

“I remember when I called you out of Egypt. Then you guys started seeing other gods. You’re going off to Assyria now, but I just can’t quit you. So after this is over, we’ll give it another go, and it’ll be different and I won’t have to kill you again.”

 

Chapter 12:

“You guys are in the wrong. Come back and do deeds of kindness and justice. Conduct business honorably. But you won’t, so I’m going to judge you.”

 

Chapter 13:

Another chapter of God telling us how faithless the Jews are and how He’s just going to have to kill a lot of them because of it.

Can a book written and revered by Jewish folks be anti-Semitic?

 

Chapter 14:

And after this, Israel will come back to God and they’ll get back together again and everything will be smooth sailing for the Jews from that point on, he said ironically.

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The TL:DR Bible: Daniel 4-6


Chapter 4:

Hey, everyone, Nebbi here. I’m writing this to let you all know about God and how great he is.

I had a dream that bothered me again, but no one could help me by telling me what it meant, until Daniel arrived. You’d think by now I would have called him first, but no. Anyway, Danny, I said… “Danny, you’ve got the spirit of the gods in you. You can tell me what it means.”

“Anyway, I had a dream of a great tree and every bird rested in it and every beast ate of its fruit, but then a Watcher came and said to cut it down, but leave the stump and bind it, and let the man’s mind be that of a beast and let him live in a field and be watered with the dew of heaven.”

Danny was quiet for a while.

“Hey, Dude, it’s cool. I’m not going to kill you for a bad interpretation.”

“Oh, King, I wish this was bad news for your enemies. The tree is you. God’s pretty pissed that you’re so proud, and he’s going to cut you down and make you go bonkers for seven seasons until you give him credit for giving you everything. So try to be humble, okay? Maybe God will relent.”

I lasted a year, then I looked at the city of Babylon and said, “Look at this city I have built.”

And God said, “Out you go into the fields.”

So I went bonkers, ate grass, grew out my hair and nails. Then after the appointed time, I came back to myself, lifted up my eyes to heaven and gave God credit for being able to do whatever the hell he wants me to do.

So praise the Lord, I guess.

 

Chapter 5:

Nebuchadnezzar the Second is dead. He was succeeded by Evil-Merodach, who was assassinated after two years by Nergal-shar-usur (Nebbi’s son-in-law) who reigned for four years, who was then succeeded by Labashi-Marduk, who was assassinated for being an incompetent boob, who was then succeeded by Nabonius.

Now Nabonius was out with the army a lot, so he left his son Belshazzar in charge of the city. At the time of Daniel 5, the Persians and the Median Empires were at the gates of Babylon preparing to take the city. So the king decides to throw a party. And he gets the idea that they should break out the dinnerware and cups his ancestor Nebbi took from Yahweh’s temple because giving the finger to Yahweh always ends well, right?

So they have their raucous party. “Sacrilegious wine tastes the best! WOO!”  And a hand shows up and writes something on the wall. But it’s scrambled or the hand has poor penmanship, so no one knows what it means.

“Hey! Why don’t we call Daniel? He used to know stuff back in the day.”

So Danny is called.

Belshazzar: “Hey, dude, interpret this stuff, and I’ll make you the third ruler in the kingdom.”

Danny: “I’m too old for this shit, so don’t worry about it. But I’ll tell you what the writing says. You pissed off Yahweh. You’re fucked. The kingdom belongs now to the Medes and the Persians. You’d think you damn fool kids would have learned from what happened to Nebuchadnezzar.”

Belshazzar: “Uh… okay then. I guess you’re the third ruler in the kingdom now.”

Danny: (Checking his watch) “For about another two or three hours anyway.”

Belshazzar: “What was that?”

Darius and Cyrus: “SURPRISE!”

Belshazzar: “ACK!”

 

Chapter 6:

So Cyrus the Great reigns and starts sending the Jews back home, then his son Cambyses the Second, then Bardiya, then Darius. That covers the span of about 18 years. So Danny, by this time, is a very old man.

Darius runs the place now and appoints 120 officials to help him do it and appoints Danny over them. But politics being what it is, some of those officials would like to kill Danny and take his place as Darius’ right hand man in Babylon.

But they can’t find any fault in his work, so they get an idea to Fiery Furnace the guy.

Officials: Hey, Darius. You’re so great. Wouldn’t it be cool if everyone in the kingdom couldn’t ask any of their gods for anything, but instead had to come to you with their requests?

Darius: No. No, that would suck. I run a damn Empire that stretches from parts of Europe to Africa. Why would I want my day being filled with a bunch of religious people asking me to help them find a damn parking space or their lost keys?

Officials: Come oooooon. Give it a month. All the cool kings are doing it.

Darius: Fine. I guess no one can pray except to me for a month.

Officials: Or they’ll be thrown into a pit with hungry lions.

Darius: Seems excessive, but okay.

Officials: Daniel prays to Yahweh three times a day! Gotcha!

Darius: Why did I listen to you idiots? Sorry, Danny. Hope your God is as powerful as you say.

Surprise. He is.

Darius: You’re still alive!

Danny: Yeah. God, you know.

Darius: I’m so happy. But I feel bad that the lions didn’t get to eat anything. Throw those officials in along with their wives and children. That doesn’t seem harsh, does it?

Danny: I’m cool with it.

God: Me too, surprisingly, because I’m not going to stop the lions from eating the women and children.

So some women and children get mauled and eaten by lions because their dads were assholes and God is kind of a dick. They leave that part out when they tell it in Sunday School.

The TL:DR Bible: Ezekiel 19-24


Chapter 19:

God tells Zeke to sing a lament to Judah.

It’s a story about a lioness who has two cubs, representing Israel and Judah, both of which end up captured, one in a deep pit, the other in a cage, carted off to Babylon.

Zeke then compares Judah to a withered grapevine again, that is taken up and planted in the deserts of Babylon.

 

Chapter 20:

God repeats himself in his perfect book for the 100th time, recounting how He saved Israel and then they were assholes to him and worshipped other gods, but after He’s done beating the snot out of them, He’ll make everything great again.

 

Chapter 21:

God repeats himself again and tells Zeke to tell everyone that a sword is coming to Judah. Then God predicts doom upon the Ammonites.

 

Chapter 22:

God lists off the sins of Judah:

  • They were violent.
  • They worshipped idols
  • They neglected their elderly
  • They oppressed the poor and defenseless
  • They lied
  • They were lewd
  • They were corrupt in their offices
  • They made profits and interest off the misery of others

So God promises to wipe out their dishonest gain and judge them harshly. Prophet, priest, and prince alike were corrupt and violent in their greed, so that God could not find one good man to intercede on the city’s behalf.

 

Chapter 23:

“So, there were two sisters that I married, Samaria and Judah. They were both harlots who cheated on me constantly with other gods, so I gave the sister Samaria into the hands of the Assyrians who stripped her, took her children, and killed her. But her sister kept it up, so she slept with the Babylonians, but didn’t like them. She lusted after Egypt where her lovers had dicks the size of a donkey’s with ejaculations the amount out of a horse. So I’m going gather all of her lovers together and they will destroy and pillage you.”

I could have summarized that with fewer words, but how often does the bible give you a chance to discuss donkey penises and horse emissions?

 

Chapter 24:

God: Jerusalem is like a pot. I’m going to boil everyone in it.

“Okay…”

“Hey, Zeke…”

“Yeah?”

“Object lesson time.”

“What this time, Lord?”

“I’m going to kill your wife. The love of your life.”

“What? You’re going to kill my wife?”

“Yeah, that’s right.”

“Why? Why would you do that?”

“To teach the people a lesson. See, I’m going to kill her, but you can’t cry about it or wail or mourn her at all.”

“Why?”

“Because when I take Jerusalem and the people’s loved ones from them, they won’t be able to mourn or cry or wail about it either. You’ll be a sign to them.”

“You’re going to kill my life, the woman I love… as a sign to people who won’t even see it or care?”

“That’s right.”

“Dick move, Bro. Dick move.”

The TL:DR Bible: Jeremiah 11-14


Chapter 11:

God tells Jeremiah to go tell the cities of Judah that they’ve broken the covenant with God and God will bring disaster upon them. Some jerks in the city of Anathoth don’t like the message and threaten Jeremiah, so God tells him don’t worry about it, he’s going to kill them all within a year.

 

Chapter 12:

Jeremiah says, “Hey, God? Why are you letting evil people prosper? And evil people? No one likes you, not even your family.”

God says, “I’m really angry at them and will let another nation destroy Judah, but then I’ll be nice God again and let them come back.”

Anyone else starting to think that Jeremiah could be a much shorter book since just about every chapter has the exact same prophesy?

 

Chapter 13:

“Hey, Jerry.”

“Oh… hi, God.”

“Jerry, go down to the market and buy a new linen cummerbund, put it on and wear it for a while, but don’t wash it.”

“O-kay…”

Several days later.

“Okay, take the cummerbund and go to the river Euphrates and bury it there.”

“Euphrates? Seriously, that’s like 800 miles away. It’ll take weeks to get there, even riding a camel. Can’t we just use the Jordan river?”

“No, it’s very important that it’s the Euphrates.”

“Okay, but if I get back and you tell me to go back and dig it up again, I’m going to be pissed.”

Several months later…

“Jerry, go dig up that cummerbund.”

“DAMN IT!”

Several weeks later…

“Okay, it’s ruined.”

“Just like Judah…”

“Seriously? That’s your great object lesson that took like eight months out of my life?”

“Pretty much, yeah…”

“This job sucks.”

“Why don’t you go tell everyone I’m going to kill them again because they’re assholes?”

“Sigh… I wonder if Ba’al is hiring…”

 

Chapter 14:

“Hey, God?”

“Yeah, Jerry?”

“I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but the drought down here is pretty severe. Maybe you could help us out so we don’t all die? Yeah, I know we’ve been assholes and worshipped other gods, but please have mercy on us.”

“No. And stop praying for them because I’m going to kill them all with the sword.”

“But if you kill us all with drought first, there won’t be anyone left to die by the sword. And anyway, don’t blame the people. There’s a bunch of other prophets out here saying that you won’t kill us all with the sword.”

“Heh… they don’t know me, do they?”

“I guess not…”

“Now I’m going to extra super kill those prophets by the sword! Oh, and everyone else too!”

“Okay, but about the drought? Maybe you could do something about that too?”

“Eh…I’ll think about it.”

The TL:DR Bible: Job 33-42


Chapter 33:

Elihu speaks:

“I’m going to speak now. I’m not God. I was just made by God like you, so maybe you won’t be scared to hear from me?”

“Now you’ve said you’re pure and that God is finding guilt and punishing you when there is no guilt. That God sees you as an enemy, but you’re wrong. God is greater than we are. Why do you complain that He won’t tell you why you suffer? God does speak, but no one hears it. He teaches us, so that we might live. He hurts us, so that we go near death, so He can bring us back from the pit and we might appreciate life… you know… like Jigsaw from that series of movies that started out okay, but just stopped making sense even before the Dread Pirate Wesley cut off his own foot? Anyway, God hurts us, so we can come back from death and tell everyone how great He is for only making us suffer a little bit instead of killing us.”

 

Chapter 34:

Elihu continues, “Sure Job says he’s not guilty, but God is just and God repays every man according to his deeds. Job walks with wicked men and speaks profanely when he says being on God’s good side profits a man nothing.”

“God can’t do wrong. He’s not going to act badly or without justice. He’s the guy in charge, and if He chooses to, He can kill us all anytime He chooses and no one could complain about that. God sees everything, so He chooses to destroy some men. The strongest, He crushes and sets another in their place.”

“Who are we to challenge Him or complain? Has any of us suffered at the hand of God and stopped sinning? God’s going to do to you what seems right to Him, not what seems right to you. Mysterious ways and all that stuff.”

“But you’re sinning more, Job, by complaining about your suffering.”

Elihu apparently is a Calvinist.

 

Chapter 35:

“You don’t give anything to God by being righteous. God is not hurt by your sinning. Your actions only affect men. People cry out and God does not answer because of their pride. So when you complain that God is silent, you’re being arrogant. God knows your state and you just have to wait for Him to get around to destroying you or helping you out. You know, whatever He chooses because we’re pretty much cosmic pawns here is what I’m getting at.”

 

Chapter 36:

“Now, I’m not going to boast here, but I’m perfect in knowledge.”

“God is great. God punishes the wicked. God delivers the righteous and…”

Okay, I’m going to break in because Elihu says nothing worth mentioning that hasn’t been said before. Seriously, Elihu, all of Job’s friends have repeated this same mantra for the last 35 chapters and it still doesn’t make it true. The wicked do pretty damn well in the world, while the innocent suffer immensely and huddle together in airports and tents in the middle of the desert without food and water. Repeating the mantra that if we just worship God the right way, everything will work out is bullshit. I know a couple tangentially who are watching their three year-old slowly die of cancer. Good people, love God. What possible sins could a three year-old commit to deserve pediatric cancer, you Bronze Age half-wit?

Back to Job, I guess…

“Our God is an awesome God. He reigns from heaven above with wisdom, power and love. Our God is an awesome God…” (Who occasionally doles out cancer to children…)

 

Chapter 37:

Elihu spends one more chapter telling us just how bloody great God is.

 

Chapter 38:

God shows up. “Hey, Job, stop talking shit. Are you God? Do you know what it’s like to be Me? I created the universe and you’re going to tell Me that I’m wrong?”

 

Chapter 39:

God says, “Do you watch animals give birth? Do you know everything about the critters running around down there? Because I do. You just don’t understand what it’s like being God.

 

Chapter 40:

Job says, “Okay, I don’t know what it’s like to be God. So fine, I’ll stop complaining about my suffering.”

God says, “Oh, are you going to complain to Me? Is the little insignificant speck going to say I’m wrong? Why don’t you try being God and then I’ll answer to you. Did you make a mythical monster Behemoth? I didn’t think so.”

 

Chapter 41:

“How about a mythical sea beast Leviathan? I made that. Yeah. So there….”

 

Chapter 42:

“Oh Lord, you can pretty much do whatever the hell you want to do, so I’m really sorry.”

So God speaks to Job’s friends and says, “Hey, you guys were talking bad about Me to Job. You kept saying I punished the wicked and rewarded the righteous, instead of telling Job that He’s just too dumb and insignificant to understand why I do the things I do. You better get Job to pray for you or I’m going to kill you.”

So Job prays for His friends and God spares them.

Then God restores Job’s fortunes and gives him ten new children which were more handsome and more attractive than the last ten kids, so I guess that makes up for having killed the first ten, right? Anyway, Job died 140 years later happy.

And presumably, Satan had to pay God a dollar for losing their bet.

The TL:DR Bible: Job 1-2


Chapter 1:

I LOVE this book.

I love it on more than one level. As an early treatise on the problem of evil, it’s pretty poignant in its portrayal of a man who did all the right things and lost anyway and his demands for an answer as to ‘why’ from the universe.

Read literally, it is insane.

Right away, we’re introduced to Job. Job is a rich guy, but Job is also a good guy. He does the right things. He has a large family: seven sons and three daughters. He has land. All the kids have their own houses, and when he hears that his kids have had a party, Job goes the extra mile and kills an animal for each of them just in case they got drunk and did something stupid that made God mad.

Meanwhile, in heaven, God is having the quarterly performance reviews for His angels.

God: Okay, Gabe, don’t spend that 3% raise all in one place. Ha ha… sigh… I hate these things. It’s so boring. Jesus, who’s next?

Jesus: Looks like Lucifer.

God: Well, I guess he’s always good to stir things up. Send him in.

Lucifer: If it isn’t the big boss man.

God: Lou, haven’t seen you in a while. What have you been up to?

Lucifer: Oh, just walking around down there on the Earth looking at those hairless apes you breathed consciousness into.

God: Oh, hey, have you seen that guy, Job? He’s the most righteous man that’s down there. There’s no one like him.

Lucifer: I bet you if you let me ruin his life, he’d totally curse you.

God: I’ll take that bet.

Down on the Earth, Job is hanging out on his front porch.

Messenger 1: Dude, some raiders killed all of your slaves and took the donkeys and the oxen.

Messenger 2: Job, God sent FIRE FROM HEAVEN to kill all the sheep and ALL THE SLAVES you had watching them.

Messenger 3: Raiders took the camels and killed all the slaves you had watching over them.

Messenger 4: Uh, hey, Job, all your kids are dead.

Job gets up, shaves his head, tears his robe, and worships God.

“Well, I came into this world with nothing, I will leave it with nothing. God gave me everything and He has taken it all away. Blessed be His name.”

 

Chapter 2:

Back in heaven, God continues to give performance reviews.

God: Okay, Mikey, keep up the good work and I’ll see you in three months.

Jesus: Dad, Lucifer is back.

God: I told you, when we’re in the office, call me, “Mr. God.”

Jesus: Okay, Mr. God. Lucifer is back.

God: Send him in. Hey, Lou. What have you been up to now?

Lucifer: You’re supposed to be omniscient, you tell me.

God: Have you seen Job?

Lucifer: Well, if you were omniscient, you would know that I have. Frankly, you’d also know that he wasn’t going to curse you and we wouldn’t have had to have this bet. It’s not like You have to prove anything to me anyway. But if you must know, yes, I’ve seen Job, and I bet that if you let me give him a painful disease, then he’d curse you.

God: Okay, challenge accepted.

Lucifer: Are you really sure you want to do that? I mean, if you write this down in your book, you’re going to look even worse than me.

God: I said, challenge accepted.

Down on Earth, Satan gives Job itching, painful, running boils that crust over.

Job’s wife: Just curse God and die, would you? He obviously hates you.

Job: Don’t be foolish. God can do whatever He wants with me.

Then Job’s three friends come by to visit him and comfort him. They don’t recognize him when they see him and weep. They tear their clothes and throw dirt on their heads and sit down with him for three days.

The TL:DR Bible: Ezra 7-10


Ezra continues to be mundane before it becomes infuriatingly awful. So… yea?

Chapter 7:

The titular Ezra finally shows up. In the reign of Artaxerxes, Ezra is dispatched by the king to go and take more gold and silver offerings to Jerusalem for use for worship and sacrifices. It shouldn’t be assumed that Artaxerxes was converted, but rather that the Persian Empire had a very pragmatic view of religion. They wanted to be on the relatively good side of any deities a subject people might worship.

Ezra is also given the power to enforce Jewish religious law on the land and punish transgressors up to the death penalty for failing to adhere to the Jewish law.

So Ezra and a bunch of other Jewish leaders go from Persian and Babylon to Jerusalem.

 

Chapter 8:

Here’s a list of the people travelling with Ezra.

Ezra arranges his travel entourage and holds a fast to ask God for a safe journey because he was embarrassed to ask the king for a detachment of troops to guard them from bandits because Ezra had told the king that God would protect them.

So they fast, then they set out and don’t run into any bandits and arrive in Jerusalem and rest for three days before invoicing the king’s gifts to the Temple and consecrating them to the service of Yahweh.

Everyone kills some animals for God, as you do, I guess.

 

Chapter 9:

Some of the leaders come to Ezra:

Leaders: Hey, some of the Jewish guys are getting married to foreigners and engaging in some race mixing.

Ezra tells them to stop being so racist and that as long as everyone converts to the Jewish religion and puts away idols and false gods from among them, it’s super cool…ha, just kidding, Ezra totally freaks out about mixing the pure Jewish genes with the polluted foreigners.

So Ezra is a bit of a drama queen and sits in silence as everyone gathers around him, then he prays aloud to the crowd, I mean… to Yahweh and says, “Oh Lord, I am ashamed and disgraced to lift up my face to you.  Our fathers f’ed up badly, so you made bad things happen to us. But then you were gracious and stopped letting bad things happen to us and let us come back to Israel. But now we’ve sinned against you because you told our ancestors not to marry heathen devil foreigners and we have. We’re totally evil. And you’re probably going to kill us… because we engaged in interracial marriage… because yes, this is apparently a horrible thing in this book… Amen.”

 

Chapter 10:

So one of the guys who married a foreign girl comes up to Ezra as he’s crying and throwing himself on the ground like a super drama queen, and says, “Dude… what if we divorce our icky foreign wives and disown our icky half-breed children and send them away for God?”

And Ezra says, “Sure. That’ll work.”

Not “That’s monstrous!” or “That’s evil!” or “God hates divorce!” or “It’s your bloody children, you unloving asshat!”

Ezra (and by proxy God) says, “Sure. That’s fine. Swear an oath that you’ll do it.”

Now everyone gather together and sing, “Jesus loves the little children… except the heathen devil foreigners…”

So Ezra and the Levites oversee the divorce and banishment of the foreign wives and the children of these relationships. It takes three months for them to be done with it, but finally, Israel is racially pure, I guess, and those women and their children are out in the streets, but that’s their problem for having the audacity to be sold to (or fathered by) the wrong guy, I guess.

And to further shame the guys who engaged in interracial marriages, here’s a list of the “gross sinners.”

Takeaway lesson: If your religion demands that you abandon your wife and your children, you’re doing it wrong.

Takeaway lesson 2: Ezra is a dick.