Tag Archives: Ezekiel

The TL:DR Bible: Ezekiel 38-44


Chapter 38:

“Hey, Zeke, I want you to preach against Gog of the land of Magog. A place no one is certain where it is, or even if it exists, despite what your Premillenial Dispensationalist Pastor will say. Tell them that I know they’re going to put together an alliance of nations and lead their armies with their horses and shields and bucklers (This verse is ignored by the aforementioned premillennial dispensational pastors.)

“In the latter years, you’re going to come and attack Israel. And you’re going to do it to get all of their precious cows, and gold and silver. Because cows will be a huuuuuuge commodity in  the future.

“When you come to take their cows, I’m going to cause a huge earthquake in Israel so that the mountains fall down, all of the walls fall, and everyone will feel it. (Not sure how much the Israelites will appreciate a giant earthquake that topples all of their houses, but… there you go.) And then I’m going to kill you with plague and rain and hail and fire and brimstone. Then everyone will know that I am God.”

 

Chapter 39:

“And then you’re going to be eaten by wolves and birds and lions and shit. Then Israel will know that I am God. Everyone will know that I am God and my name will not be profaned any longer. (How that’s supposed to work within the framework of premillennial dispensationalism is anyone’s guess.)

“And everyone living in caves in Israel will go out and use their bows and arrows and clubs and spears as firewood for seven years. You can’t use AK-47’s, tanks, and jet fighters as firewood, Tim LaHaye.

“Then I’m going to cause Gog and his army to be buried. It’ll take seven months. And if anyone passing through sees a corpse, he’ll post a post-it note on it saying, “Bury this shit, please.” And when everyone is buried, the land will be cleansed (ceremonially).

“And wild animals are going to eat you, Gog. Just thought I’d mention that again.”

“Then all the nations will know that I only acted mean to Israel because they were dirty, idolatrous whores who deserved it.”

“Then I’m going to restore Israel and make it great again. Believe me. Simply incredible. The best. Then I’m going to pour out my Spirit on them and make myself known to them always.”

 

Chapter 40:

Then Zeke watches as a guy with a tape measure measures the new Temple in Jerusalem.

 

Chapter 41:

Then Zeke watches him measure out the inside of the new Temple.

 

Chapter 42:

More measuring. This is like the worst episode of Property Brothers.

“Here are the dining rooms for where the priests will eat the food they didn’t have to actually work for.”

 

Chapter 43:

Then God shows up and says, I’m going to live in this Temple forever. (Caesar Titus: “Eh….”) And tells Zeke to tell the Jews that if they really love him, they’ll follow Zeke’s plans for the new Temple when they get a chance to build it.

Then we measure the sacrificial altar… which again… if this is referring to the continuation and restoration of the Yahweh cult, makes perfect sense. But if this is supposed to lead into a Christian eschatology, Christ already put an end to the sacrificial system. It’s done. According to Christians, God doesn’t need us to kill animals anymore.

Then God gives Zeke instructions about killing animals for Him.

 

Chapter 44:

“Here’s a gate that will remain closed, but a prince will sit here and eat bread in front of the Lord.”

God says “No Gentiles allowed in my new holy Temple, unlike the last time when you guys defiled my temple by letting in Gentiles.” (Well… that’s going to make heaven awkward, isn’t it?)

“I only want the Levites in charge now, but I’m still mad at them for worshipping idols too. But only the sons of Zadok can come before me, and blah blah blah blah blah… wear turbans, but nothing that makes you sweat. You humans stink when you sweat and good Lord, we’re revisitng Leviticus and Numbers again…quick, skip to the next chapter…”

 

 

 

The TL:DR Bible: Ezekiel 36-37


Chapter 36:

“Say to the mountains of Israel, you won’t stay desolate forever, but your cities will be rebuilt, your vines will grow and bear fruit, and my people will return, then you will never again bear insults from other nations of how you destroyed men.”

“Zeke… when Israel lived in the land, they were like a woman on her period, which is just gross, am I right? So I beat the living snot out of them and kicked them out. But now, I’m hearing the nations of the world talk crap about me saying, “Yahweh must be a pretty weak deity if we were able to destroy and kidnap his people.””

“I’m not going to take that crap, so I guess I’m going to let Israel back into the land, so that everyone will know I’m a strong god. I’ll purify my people, give them a new heart to do what I say, and pour out my Spirit upon them. They will stop sinning and I’ll bless them with abundance. But I’m not doing it for them. I’m doing it for Me.

 

Chapter 37:

Then God takes Zeke to a valley filled with skeletons.

“Zeke, do you think these bones can live again?”

“You know the answer, Lord.”

“Speak to the bones and tell them they will live again.”

So Zeke speaks to the bones and they grow back organs and muscles and flesh.

“Brains…” they said.

“Uh… keep speaking, Zeke. I’ve got a few kinks to work out.”

Later…

“Okay, zombie apocalypse averted. Zeke, those bones were like the house of Israel. They think they’re completed dead now, but go tell them that I will raise them up from their ‘death’ and cause them to come home.

“Now, take a stick and write “Judah” and it and take a stick and write “Israel” on it and join them together in your hand, and the two sticks will become one. And if anyone asks you about it-“

“Israel and Judah will be reunited. Got it. This isn’t exactly a difficult object lesson and no one needed to die to tell it.”

“Well, did you know that I’ll make David their king?”

“The guy who raped his friend’s wife and killed his friend and presided over three civil wars?”

“Yeah… but he wrote some nice songs about me.”

“If I recall, most of those songs were of the “Help me, where the hell are you, Lord?” variety.”

“Shut up. Anyway, the kingdom will be perfect.”

The TL:DR Bible: Ezekiel 31-35


Chapter 31:

God still has it in for Pharaoh and is predicting doom.

 

Chapter 32:

God really hates Pharaoh for some reason (He didn’t even order any boy babies thrown into the Nile this time) and predicts more doom.

 

Chapter 33:

God repeats his warning to Ezekiel that Zeke had been tell everyone what God says or God is going to judge him for their sins. God repeats that he doesn’t really want to kill everyone, but their just being so naughty and if they stopped being naughty and defrauding the poor, God would spare their lives.

The word comes that Jerusalem has fallen and God says to Zeke, “Hey, Zeke, tell the people still living in Israel who aren’t here to hear your words that because they’re violent, idol-worshipping adulterers who eat meat with blood in it that they’re all going to die even though they were spared by Nebuchadnezzar.”

Lastly, God is really pissed at Zeke’s fellow exiles because they regard him as entertainment, which come on… guy walking through down waving a sword at hair… that’s pretty entertaining for life in the Bronze Age.

 

Chapter 34:

God is angry at the leadership of Judah, for living high off of the fruits and labor of the people in their charge. They are bad shepherds, killing and eating the flock, clothing themselves with the labor of others, they ignore the sick and suffering, they ignore the lost, but treated the people harshly.

God promises to judge them and take away their position.

Then God promises to go out and gather up all of the Jews and lead them home and heal the sick and give the people peace and security.

God promises to not only restore the kingdom of Judah, but to place David in charge of it and then Israel will have peace and security forever.

 

Chapter 35:

God promises doom on the Edomites again because they saw the misfortunes of Israel and decided to go raid Judah, so God promises to kill them all. Is it just me or does that seem to be the answer for everything?

The TL:DR Bible: Ezekiel 28-30


Chapter 28:

Zeke keeps going on about Tyre, this time telling off its king.

Apparently, the king of Tyre started getting too proud and started to think he was divine, so God promises to have someone kill him and take him down a notch to show him that he’s just a man.

Then God tells Zeke to sing a dirge about the king of Tyre, which includes some divine language that many Christian commentators assume is about the devil. Though why God wouldn’t just say, “Hey, Zeke, sing a song about the devil” is a valid question.

Anyway, the king of Tyre or the devil was doing great when he started off, but then by trading and acquiring wealth or getting into contact with all of the foreign devils and their gods, he sinned and then God hated him and cast him down from his throne and he becomes a pariah.

Then God decides to destroy Sidon too with war and pestilence to prove that He’s God. I guess showing up in a giant glowy cloud and saying “I’m God” would have been too difficult, so more wanton slaughter it is.

Finally, God promises to get the band back together with Israel and bless them.

 

Chapter 29:

God starts out by saying that He’s going to destroy Egypt and its Pharaoh. God promises to utterly decimate the land so that it will lie abandoned for forty years, untouched by man. Moreover, God promises to scatter the Egyptians for that forty years, then bring them back to the land where they will be a weak and pathetic kingdom that no one will rely on again.

Needless to say, Egypt has not been abandoned at any time for forty years, so Zeke got this one wrong too.

Then God says, “Hey, I know we said Nebuchadnezzar would take and destroy Tyre, but uh… he didn’t… but… uh… reasons! So as a consolation prize, I’m going to give Egypt into his hand and he will destroy it and plunder Egypt. And the Israel will know that I am the Lord.”

Historically speaking, the evidence for this isn’t there either.

In 568 BCE (a few years after this prophesy, Nebuchadnezzar does go to Egypt with the recently deposed Pharaoh Hophra. The two have a small success against Ionian mercenaries hired by the new Pharaoh Amasis, but the Egyptians rout the armies of Babylon in 566 BCE, capture the deposed Pharaoh, and no further recorded attempts are made by Nebuchadnezzar against Egypt.

According to Daniel 4, Nebuchadnezzar goes bonkers later that year and the Babylonian’s power begins to weaken and the Empire goes into more of a defensive stance against the growing power of the Medes and the Persians.

Chapter 30:

God doubles down on the Egyptian prophesy and tells Zeke to sing a dirge for the Pharaoh and Egypt. God promises again that the land will be utterly destroyed, their idols will be destroyed and cast down, and the people and any of their allies will fall by the sword.

As far as we know, none of this actually happened until 525 BCE under the Persian emperor Cambyses the Second. Even then Cambyses was only able to take the Northeast of Egypt, as his armies met a poor fate when they tried to march south into the region of Kush.

Shortly after that failed expedition, Cambyses was forced to withdraw back to Persia as a man posing as his brother Bardiya had seized his throne. Cambyses died shortly thereafter, possibly by Darius’ hand. Darius himself would later incorporate Egypt into his empire.

Guys, I’d suggest we stone Zeke, but something tells me he was already stoned while writing some of his visions.

The TL:DR Bible: Ezekiel 25-27


Chapter 25:

“Hey, Zeke.”

“You’re not going to kill any more family members, are you?”

“Ehhhhh… not today. Today I want you to tell all the heathen nations how upset I am at them. Start with Ammon. Screw those guys because they were happy when my Temple was sacked by Babylon. I’m going to destroy them completely.”

“Seems like overkill, but okay. Screw the Ammonites.”

“Oh, and Moab. They were happy about seeing Judah destroyed. They said Judah was like every other nation.”

“Hasn’t that literally been your complaint about Judah for the last three books now?”

“Yeah, but they don’t get to say that. So I’m going to cause an enemy to conquer some of their territory.”

“Okay, anyone else?”

“Yeah, screw those Edomites. They attacked Judah when she was weak, so I’m going to wipe them all out. It might take a six or seven centuries to do it, but once it’s done, then they’ll know I am the Lord. Let’s see, who else…? The Philistines. Going to kill all of them…”

 

Chapter 26:

“The city of Tyre hopes to profit off of Jerusalem’s destruction, so I’m going to cause Nebuchadnezzar and a lot of nations to gather together, besiege the city, destroy it, and plunder its wealth. It will be abandoned and become a place where the fishermen spread out their nets to dry and no one will ever rebuilt it. The city will be desolate.”

Tyre

Yeah… it looks pretty desolate, alright.

 

Chapter 27:

“In fact, I’m SO going to destroy Tyre that I want you to sing a dirge about her. Tell her how she was so great and wealthy and powerful, and how I overthrew her in a day and now everyone is sad and mourning her loss.”

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Sure, they look happy, but inwardly, they’re crying.

The TL:DR Bible: Ezekiel 19-24


Chapter 19:

God tells Zeke to sing a lament to Judah.

It’s a story about a lioness who has two cubs, representing Israel and Judah, both of which end up captured, one in a deep pit, the other in a cage, carted off to Babylon.

Zeke then compares Judah to a withered grapevine again, that is taken up and planted in the deserts of Babylon.

 

Chapter 20:

God repeats himself in his perfect book for the 100th time, recounting how He saved Israel and then they were assholes to him and worshipped other gods, but after He’s done beating the snot out of them, He’ll make everything great again.

 

Chapter 21:

God repeats himself again and tells Zeke to tell everyone that a sword is coming to Judah. Then God predicts doom upon the Ammonites.

 

Chapter 22:

God lists off the sins of Judah:

  • They were violent.
  • They worshipped idols
  • They neglected their elderly
  • They oppressed the poor and defenseless
  • They lied
  • They were lewd
  • They were corrupt in their offices
  • They made profits and interest off the misery of others

So God promises to wipe out their dishonest gain and judge them harshly. Prophet, priest, and prince alike were corrupt and violent in their greed, so that God could not find one good man to intercede on the city’s behalf.

 

Chapter 23:

“So, there were two sisters that I married, Samaria and Judah. They were both harlots who cheated on me constantly with other gods, so I gave the sister Samaria into the hands of the Assyrians who stripped her, took her children, and killed her. But her sister kept it up, so she slept with the Babylonians, but didn’t like them. She lusted after Egypt where her lovers had dicks the size of a donkey’s with ejaculations the amount out of a horse. So I’m going gather all of her lovers together and they will destroy and pillage you.”

I could have summarized that with fewer words, but how often does the bible give you a chance to discuss donkey penises and horse emissions?

 

Chapter 24:

God: Jerusalem is like a pot. I’m going to boil everyone in it.

“Okay…”

“Hey, Zeke…”

“Yeah?”

“Object lesson time.”

“What this time, Lord?”

“I’m going to kill your wife. The love of your life.”

“What? You’re going to kill my wife?”

“Yeah, that’s right.”

“Why? Why would you do that?”

“To teach the people a lesson. See, I’m going to kill her, but you can’t cry about it or wail or mourn her at all.”

“Why?”

“Because when I take Jerusalem and the people’s loved ones from them, they won’t be able to mourn or cry or wail about it either. You’ll be a sign to them.”

“You’re going to kill my life, the woman I love… as a sign to people who won’t even see it or care?”

“That’s right.”

“Dick move, Bro. Dick move.”

The TL:DR Bible: Ezekiel 16-18


Today, the part of God will be played by a grizzled redneck Western star

 

Chapter 16:

“Hey, Zeke, got a little story I want you tell the people of Jerusalem.”

“I thought I was already in exile?”

“Eh, this book is pretty crazy, no one’s going to notice an unexplained location change. Anyway, I want you tell them that they were born a bastard from a couple of heathen Canaanites who left them on the side of the road covered in filth and blood, didn’t even cut the cord.

“Anyways, I walked by you and told you to live and you lived. And you grew up to a fine young lady with nice boobs and long hair, but you were naked. I passed by you again and saw that there was grass on the field, so I decided to play some ball.”

“Uh…”

“So I covered you up, took you home and said, “We’re married. Then I gave you a bath.”

“Uh…”

“Then I dressed you up and everyone was jealous of you because you were so beautiful. But then you thought you were pretty hot, so you started screwing everyone else too and became a reverse whore paying other gods with my money to screw you. I punished you, but you kept reverse whorin’ around on me, so now I’m going to gather up all the other gods, strip you naked and condemn you for being a reverse whore. But then we’ll get back together and things’ll be great again, Baby.”

“I get it, because she was a baby when you found her and then… you waited and had sex with her as a teen… you know this makes you the creepy Uncle in the story, right?”

“Hell, Zeke, ain’t like she was my cousin or anything. Anyway, I hear lots of folks sayin’ ‘like mother, like daughter.’ My wife is filthy Canaanite bastard whore. Samaria was bad, and was punished, but she ignored her sister. Sodom was bad, they had food, money, clothing, but they were prideful and didn’t care for the poor, so I killed all of them. But Jerusalem is worse than all of them.”

“But I’m going to make everything better and restore everyone and then you’ll all wake up and be sorry and beg me for forgiveness and I’ll give it to you because I’m a nice God.”

 

Chapter 17:

“Hey, ZEKE!”

“Yeah, Lord?”

“I’m mad at Zed for breakin’ his word to Nebuchadnezzar. Now there were two eagles and a vine or two vines and the eagle planted a vine and it grew and uh… another eagle planted a vine by the river and… aw, hell, I’m mad at Zed and he’s going to die in Babylon.

 

Chapter 18:

“Zeke, I’ve been hearing from some of the Jews that I’m not being fair. That I’m being mean to them for stuff their fathers did.”

“Well, you did sort of judge the nation for the sins of Manasseh and delayed judgement by like another 100 years, so-“

“Anyway, that’s nonsense. I judge everyone according to their deeds. Now, you right go out and live a good life: take care of the poor, don’t oppress people, don’t take interest, and fight for justice and we’ll get along just fine, no matter who your kin is.

“But if you act like a dick, and rob people, defraud them, take their clothing, oppress the helpless, and generally act like a giant asshole, then I’m gonna kick yer ass, no matter who your pa was. Got all that?”

“Yeah.”

“Alright. Tell everyone else not to use that saying anymore then. It pisses me off.”