Tag Archives: Harry Potter

“That might be a bit far, Tom…”


Sometimes I think the Death Eaters might have just been like this weird after school Goth club that got WAY out of hand. Like Tom, Lucius, Snape, and the gang were just hanging out at the pub one night slamming butter beers and Snape’s like, “Dude, you know who sucks?”
“Cats!” Peter Pettigrew said.
 
“Dumbledoor?” Lucius said.
 
“Everyone!” Tom says. “Everyone sucks but us, man!”
 
“Yeah, I guess so, but I was mostly thinking of Potter. I was totally gonna ask Lily to the prom, but he beat me to it.” Snape says.
 
“Were you really going to ask Lily?” Lucius says, “Or were you gonna sit in your bunk crying about it for three weeks?”
 
“I was thinking about it… I mean… I was thinking of thinking of asking her. But now that I think about it, Tom, you’re right, everyone does suck.”
 
“Yeah,” Tom said. “But you guys are cool.”
 
“You’re cool too, Tom,” Peter says.
 
“Shut up, Peter,” everyone said.
 
“Like we should do this more often. Why don’t we hang out more often?” Tom said. “We should totally hang out more often guys. The Not-Suck club.”
 
“We need a better name,” Lucius slurred. “Like something evil and dark and cool, man. The Warlocks… or Dragon Riders or Death something.”
 
“Death Eaters!” Tom said.
 
“Dude, that is so friggin’ cool, man. Like we eat death for breakfast!” Snape said.
 
“Yeah, man! And we should wear like awesome jackets!” Peter said.
 
“Or robes. Like black robes with super killer masks!” Lucius said.
 
“Dude,” Tom said. “That would be so friggin sweet.”
“You know what, guys? You know what? I have the best idea… guys… the best idea,” Snape said. “Two words… MATCHING TATTOOS!”
 
“DUDE!” everyone said before chugging the butter beer in front of them.
 
“It can be like a snake with a frigging skull, man. A SKULL!” Tom shouted.
 
“Oh my God. Let’s go get it done right now before we change our minds!” Lucius said.
 
“And conquer the world and enslave all of humanity!” Tom added.
 
“Yeah, sure…. Maybe,” Snape said. “But seriously, the tattoo guys!”
 
“The tattoo!”

Kindle thoughts: Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets Chapters 1-3


So I got a Kindle for Christmas and have been getting into the swing of using it lately, so I thought I’d start posting my thoughts as I go through various books in the library.

I never read the Harry Potter books, so this is my first time through, and while I realize I am probably 20 years late, here are some thoughts from starting book 2 in the series.

• It was a pretty dick move to dump Harry with an abusive hateful family. Kid might have had a better childhood if Hagrid had taken him and accidentally left him to be raised by wolves.
• So you can’t use magic in the real world without getting expelled from Hogwarts. It would be interesting to see if there are any partially trained wizards or witches out there in the world using their gifts for an advantage in life.
• After orchestrating an escape for Mr. Potter from the room his ‘family’ locked him in, you would think that someone would call Child Services or the Police to come and kindly have a word with them and cart them off to jail.
• And everyone is cool with slavery of elves, huh? Okay…
• They know that his Aunt and Uncle were starving him and still don’t call the police and he’s still expected to go back to that abusive situation next summer. Good Lord, what the hell is wrong with these people?
• Harry has his own little red-haired girl. Good grief.
• Given that I’m 20 years late to the party, I imagine someone has already illustrated Harry Potter and his friends as Peanuts characters.
• Hermione keeps pulling the golden snitch away as Harry tries to catch it.
• Harry’s owl dreams of fighting the Kaiser.
• I think if I were going to have a familiar, I’d want a dog. Maybe a dachshund.
• “Beware of Mr. Weenie, Scourge of Evildoers, Devourer of Souls, and Destroyer of Worlds!”
• Gnome tossing. Man, wizards are real dicks.
• Okay, we get that you’re poor, Ron, but your friend has known nothing but abuse and misery for the first 11 years of his life. You could make him sleep in the yard with a tent and he’d be elated.
• Speaking of which, why the hell don’t the Weasleys become his foster family? Maybe they do in a future book. I don’t know.
All in all, the books aren’t bad and are pretty engaging. I think Harry is quite a bit too passive and I think I like my wizards more like Harry Dresden, but overall it’s pretty good so far.

Nerd News Roundup


Harry Potter

Good news for Potter fans. Looks like they’ll be adapting another book set in that world into another movie. J.K. Rowling has committed to writing the screenplay adaptation of her book set in the Potter universe: Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them.

Star Trek 3

J.J. Abrams will no longer be directing Star Trek 3, having committed to Star Wars: Episode VII. I’m hoping Brett Ratner or Michael Bay replace him just to hear all the nerds currently cheering this news start screaming profanity and rending their clothes.

Wonder Woman

Reportedly, Max Landis, the screenwriter for Chronicle is pitching a Wonder Woman movie. This has -1% chance of happening because Warner Brothers wouldn’t know what to do with any DC characters that are not Superman, Batman, or Green Arrow, but he seems to have some time on his hands, so more power to him.