Hi, God, are you there, it’s us, Israel…
It would be supercool of you to come down and show our enemies that you’re real and you reward those who do good.
Sure, we sinned for a while there. We adopted a pantheon. We had fertility orgies, which… would you maybe reconsider your ban on those because they were pretty cool… no? Okay. Yeah, we’re sinners and the best things we can offer you from our deeds are pretty nasty. We’re just saying, we know we have no hold on you. But you are our Father and look, just do whatever you want with us, but save our lives and we’d really appreciate it if you made them less crappy. And if you’re still angry at us, I mean, remember all the things they did to that Temple we build for you? Those bastards tore it down? Are you gonna take that? Are you?
Hey, guys, God here.
I’ve pretty much been here the whole time. I’ve been practically shouting at you guys, “Look over here!” But you guys keep killing animals for other gods. I want all of your dead animals, okay? You guys ignored my dietary restrictions and ate bacon.
Israel: Have you tried bacon? It’s pretty good.
God: No, it’s not awesome.
Jesus: Dad, it is pretty good.
God: Look, if you want to let your disciples eat bacon, be my guest, but for my people? No bacon. Also, you jerks think you’re better than everyone else and all of this is just really pissing me off, okay? So I repaid you guys for your evils. But I’m mainly cheesed off about the giving other gods dead animals.
But, like I’ve said before, I’m going to get over it and bring you guys back to a great land full of food, water, and wealth. But not for the jerks who keep giving dead animals to other gods. My people will eat and they will hunger. My people will drink, but those jerks will be thirsty. And it’s really going to suck for them… one day, even though it pretty much seems like the good and the evil both do about the same and evil men have lots of money and power, they’re going to regret it eventually…
Because I’m going to make a new heaven and a new Earth! And it won’t be for them. And there won’t be any aging. You’ll be considered young if you die at 100. Everyone’s going to have a house and farm lands and no stupid Assyrian or Babylonian or Persian raiders to take your stuff.
And then we’ll all get along with each other and even predator animals will hang out with prey animals and I will call it Zootopia!
Disney Lawyers: No. No, you will not. That name is trademarked.
God: Sigh… fine. I’ve got to stop sending all of the lawyers to Hell.
God: I’m God. Why do I need a Temple? Huh? Gabriel? GABRIEL?
Gabriel: Yes, oh, Lord.
God: Why do I need a Temple?
Gabriel: You don’t really.
God: So why’d I tell Solomon to build me one? Oh well, I guess maybe so the good people down there can hang out with me.
Anyway, if you’re religious and you’re not doing what is right like taking care of the poor, the sick, all those people, your religion sickens me. So I punished you guys. But then everything is going to be supergood one day. I’ll punish the wicked and bless the good.
Gabriel: Why do you keep saying that? It’s almost like you’re a Jewish man living in oppression and exile and you’re really hoping a God exists so you can have faith that it won’t always suck for you forever.
God: Huh… yeah, I guess it does. Did I already mention the new heaven and new Earth?
Gabriel: Yeah. Last chapter.
God: Did I mention I’ll incinerate the wicked and turn them into wormfood?
Gabriel: Not in so many terms, but essentially, yes.
God: Then I guess I’m done. Good. Now I’ve got to go talk to that Jeremiah kid. Ugh. It’s going to be super awkward. Dude cries at the drop of a hat. Literally. He dropped his hat and spend like 30 minutes yesterday sobbing like a baby about it.