Tag Archives: Isaiah

The TL:DR Bible: Isaiah 64-66


Chapter 64:

Hi, God, are you there, it’s us, Israel…

It would be supercool of you to come down and show our enemies that you’re real and you reward those who do good.

Sure, we sinned for a while there. We adopted a pantheon. We had fertility orgies, which… would you maybe reconsider your ban on those because they were pretty cool… no? Okay. Yeah, we’re sinners and the best things we can offer you from our deeds are pretty nasty. We’re just saying, we know we have no hold on you. But you are our Father and look, just do whatever you want with us, but save our lives and we’d really appreciate it if you made them less crappy. And if you’re still angry at us, I mean, remember all the things they did to that Temple we build for you? Those bastards tore it down? Are you gonna take that? Are you?

 

Chapter 65:

Hey, guys, God here.

I’ve pretty much been here the whole time. I’ve been practically shouting at you guys, “Look over here!” But you guys keep killing animals for other gods. I want all of your dead animals, okay? You guys ignored my dietary restrictions and ate bacon.

Israel: Have you tried bacon? It’s pretty good.

God: No, it’s not awesome.

Jesus: Dad, it is pretty good.

God: Look, if you want to let your disciples eat bacon, be my guest, but for my people? No bacon. Also, you jerks think you’re better than everyone else and all of this is just really pissing me off, okay? So I repaid you guys for your evils. But I’m mainly cheesed off about the giving other gods dead animals.

But, like I’ve said before, I’m going to get over it and bring you guys back to a great land full of food, water, and wealth. But not for the jerks who keep giving dead animals to other gods. My people will eat and they will hunger. My people will drink, but those jerks will be thirsty. And it’s really going to suck for them… one day, even though it pretty much seems like the good and the evil both do about the same and evil men have lots of money and power, they’re going to regret it eventually…

Because I’m going to make a new heaven and a new Earth! And it won’t be for them. And there won’t be any aging. You’ll be considered young if you die at 100.  Everyone’s going to have a house and farm lands and no stupid Assyrian or Babylonian or Persian raiders to take your stuff.

And then we’ll all get along with each other and even predator animals will hang out with prey animals and I will call it Zootopia!

Disney Lawyers: No. No, you will not. That name is trademarked.

God: Sigh… fine. I’ve got to stop sending all of the lawyers to Hell.

 

Chapter 66:

God: I’m God. Why do I need a Temple? Huh? Gabriel? GABRIEL?

Gabriel: Yes, oh, Lord.

God: Why do I need a Temple?

Gabriel: You don’t really.

God: So why’d I tell Solomon to build me one? Oh well, I guess maybe so the good people down there can hang out with me.

Anyway, if you’re religious and you’re not doing what is right like taking care of the poor, the sick, all those people, your religion sickens me. So I punished you guys. But then everything is going to be supergood one day. I’ll punish the wicked and bless the good.

Gabriel: Why do you keep saying that? It’s almost like you’re a Jewish man living in oppression and exile and you’re really hoping a God exists so you can have faith that it won’t always suck for you forever.

God: Huh… yeah, I guess it does. Did I already mention the new heaven and new Earth?

Gabriel: Yeah. Last chapter.

God: Did I mention I’ll incinerate the wicked and turn them into wormfood?

Gabriel: Not in so many terms, but essentially, yes.

God: Then I guess I’m done. Good. Now I’ve got to go talk to that Jeremiah kid. Ugh. It’s going to be super awkward. Dude cries at the drop of a hat. Literally. He dropped his hat and spend like 30 minutes yesterday sobbing like a baby about it.

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The TL:DR Bible: Isaiah 57-59


Next follows three chapters that should probably be read in every American church until we start changing our ways.

 

Chapter 57:

Good men die and no one cares. Evil men kill the good.

“Hey, you bastards, why are you mocking? You’re bastards and liars who murder children and worship gods of your own making. Do you really think you’ll get away with it? I’ve seen it all. You’re going to cry for deliverance from the calamity I bring, but your gods and your own hands cannot save you. I will leave you desolate.”

“Remove the roadblocks so my people can journey home. I live forever with the humble, the poor, and the lightly esteemed. I will not be angry forever or all mankind would perish. I was angry at your sins and your unjust accumulation of wealth, so I struck my people. He left me, but I will heal him, restore him, and comfort him. But there will be no peace for the wicked.”

 

Chapter 58:

“Cry out and shout loudly! Declare the sins to my people. They seek me. They cry out, ‘We’ve fasted and humbled ourselves, but you don’t pay attention.’”

“Tell them that I see that on the day they fast and hold their religious ceremonies, I see them oppress the working man. Do I require fasting of you like this? Is not the better religious observance to free the oppressed, to lighten the load of the laborer, to set the afflicted man free and break the yoke of slavery? Is it not to share your goods with the hungry, to invite the homeless man into your house, to give him your coat when you see him without one?”

“Then your light will shine like the dawn and your recovery will be speedy. And I will be your God and you will be my people! All will be restored once again.”

“If you keep the Sabbath in spirit and in truth, you will be blessed abundantly.”

 

Chapter 59:

God could save us, but your sins are impeding that deliverance. Your hands are full of the blood of the innocent.  Your mouth is full of lies. Your works are iniquity and violence. You run to shed the blood of the innocent man. You do not know peace and you do not know justice.

“Therefore, justice is far from us and we yearn for good things, but evil befalls us. We stumble in the darkness as blind men. Our sins are always before you. You have seen and it displeased you that there was no justice in the land. You have seen us and found no one to be a mediator between you and us. So your own hand brings salvation. So you put on justice, salvation, and vengeance and you will repay every man according to his deeds. So all men will see that a redeemer comes to Zion.”

“This is my covenant with you,” says the Lord. “I will put my Spirit upon you and you and your descendants will know my words forever.”

The TL:DR Bible: Isaiah 54-56


Chapter 54:

Everyone is going to have lots of babies when God bring Judah back from captivity and they’re going to expand and live in all of the cities that were unoccupied.

God says to not be afraid and forget the bad past between the two of you. This time it will be different, Baby. Sure, I kicked you out, but now you can come back home and we’ll forget the night that Cops filmed us on the front yard screaming at each other.

I promise I will never be angry with you again.

Everything will be perfect and you’ll be covered in expensive jewels and you’ll be the obedient wife I’ve always wanted.

 

Chapter 55:

If anyone is thirsty, come to me. If anyone hungers, come and eat. I give freely to all.

Why are you wasting your time on other pursuits that won’t satisfy. Come to me and live.

Seek God while He can still be found. He’s very good at playing Hide and Seek.

Everyone stop being shitty to each other and God will have compassion on us.

“I’ll have compassion on you because I’m not like you,” God said. “My word never fails. And one of these days, you’re going to go home and be happy and the rocks will sing and the trees will clap their hands.”

So Trolls and Ents are real, then?

 

Chapter 56:

Act with justice. Do what is right. The salvation of God is coming soon.

The man who does this will be blessed.

Even foreigners and eunuchs will be welcome this time into the assembly of God. The one who cannot have children will have a reputation and name better than children and that name will last forever.

The foreigners who do what is right will be welcome in my Temple which will be a house of prayer for all nations.

But for everyone I don’t like, the lions and tigers and bears…

George-Takei-oh-my

will eat them.

The TL:DR Bible: Isaiah 51-53


Chapter 51:

God: Hey, everyone who isn’t a jerk, but pursues righteousness and justice. Think back to Abraham and how I took him from one man to tens of millions today. I’m going to bless Judah the same way and make even the deserts like a lush garden.

Pay attention! I’m going to establish justice, righteousness, and salvation. Everything else will die, but my salvation will be forever. Don’t be afraid of men, continue in my justice which is forever.

“Isaiah”: Wake up, Lord! Help us out. Didn’t you defeat the chaos dragon god and cut up Rahab into pieces? Didn’t you part the Red Sea?

God: I am the one who comforts. Don’t be afraid of mortal men. I’m bigger than he is. The exiles will go home.

Wake up, Jerusalem. You’ve drunk the dregs of my anger and are laid waste. Listen. Never again will I pour out my anger on you… except in 70 AD with the Romans… But I’ll give the cup of my anger to your enemies now, because karma is a bitch.

 

Chapter 52:

God: Awake, Jerusalem. Get all dolled up. No longer will the Gentiles enter your gates.

Caesar Titus: Uh… about that….

God: Quiet. Anyway, I threw you into bondage for nothing and will redeem you for nothing. I’ve been watching you guys suffer everywhere and notice that all of the heathen keep making fun of Me, so I’m going to act now.

It’s sure going to be great one day when messengers arrive proclaiming the end of war. When God reigns and we can all celebrate and party. Everyone has seen now how big God’s arm cannons are. Dude can curl like 20,000,000 lbs.

God: OH YEA! (Tears his shirt off)

Everyone get out of Gentile-ville and don’t touch anything with their Gentile cooties on it. You’re not going to run, God will lead you out and cover your six.

God: I’M THAT BIG. ARGGGGG!!!  (flexes)

Jesus: Hey, Dad… we’re going to talk about me now, right?

God: FINE. LOOK AT THIS KID. DO YOU EVEN LIFT, BRO?

Jesus: No… you’re supposed to write about how I suffer for the sake of everyone now.

Jews: Are you sure that’s not a passage about us and your gospel writers were just retrofitting the story of Jesus to match up?

Jesus: Do you want to be a part of my future, possibly mythological, earthly kingdom or do you want to be killed with my sword mouth?

Jews: We’ll just be over here then. I hope this minor disagreement doesn’t lead to centuries of us being murdered by your followers.

Jesus: Hahaha… yeah… you keep hoping there, Sluggers.

 

Chapter 53:

God: Alright… my kid is super awesome. He doesn’t look like much… seriously, Jesus… hit the gym, would you? Would it kill you to do some power squats? Look at my glutes, Dude. Anyway, he’s not going to look like much, he’ll be betrayed, beaten, tortured, totally familiar with every one of your human sorrows and miseries. He’ll understand it all. And he has a really bad Friday involving nails going through his limbs and hanging him up on a tree. I’m totally going to beat the crap out of him because you guys lie and steal and jerk off too much.

They’re probably going to throw him into a peasant grave, but he’ll get buried in a cave instead.

Seriously, it makes me happy to torture the kid and have him killed. I’ve moved up from animals to humans now.

But all of you can come to heaven now… I guess… no uggos or wimps, though. Gotta be swoll.

Jesus: Daaaaad.

God: OKAY… FINE. UGGOS AND WIMPS CAN COME IN TOO.

The TL:DR Bible: Isaiah 48-50


Chapter 48:

God says, “Alright, everyone listen up. You guys in Judah who are supposed to be my people but are kind of jerks. I predicted the future and made it happen so you couldn’t say your gods did it, but you still don’t listen. Your fathers were rebels and so are you. Now I’ve been super nice to you guys and haven’t brought any plagues of vipers or incinerated any of you lately, because I want everyone to know about Me and how great I am.“

“So everyone will gather together again and I’m totally going to crush Babylon. I know I sent you there, but it was only because you guys make me so mad sometimes. But I really love you, Baby.  If only you guys would just do what I ask, I wouldn’t get so mad. But, uh, everyone go back to Judah when Babylon falls.”

 

Chapter 49:

“Hey, guys, Messiah here. God will protect me and has given me a sword. I’m going to do a work that will seemingly be in vain, but God will grant me justice and a great reward. I’m not only going to bring Israel back to the Lord, but all nations. Though I was despised, the nations will bow before me.”

God said, “I’ve answered you in a time of my own choosing. I will keep you and you will go and give a covenant to the people. You will free the captives and deliver those in darkness. You will feed them, provide for them, and bring them that thirst to water. Nations will gather to celebrate the redemption of Israel.”

Israel: “But God has forsaken us.”

God: “I can’t forget you guys. I see everything and am reminded of you. I will bless you abundantly. The other nations will bow down before you. I will make sure of it.”

 

Chapter 50:

God: Look, guys, I sent you away because you made me angry with your idols and sex orgies and stuff. But I can deliver you again. Why isn’t anyone coming to me?

Then Israel or Isaiah or the Messiah speaks again, “God has given me a mouth full of good words to bring comfort. God sustains me and gives me the power to listen and discern. I was not disobedient to him. I submitted to those that hurt me and wished to humiliate me. God helps me, so I am not ashamed. God’s vindication of me is near and no one can oppose his judgments. Trust in the Lord, and those who start fires will be burned with fire.”

 

The TL:DR Bible: Isaiah 45-47


Chapter 45:

God says to Cyrus, his chosen one, “Hey, Cyrus, this is God. I am totally writing this hundreds of years ago and not in the time after you’ve come to power, but before you die in Syr Darya in Uzbekistan. I’m totally giving you all the power you need to conquer nations and subdue them even though you don’t know me, because I’m God and I bring about good and evil. Yep. Me. Problem of evil… right in your faces. But don’t question me about it.

“So anyway, you’re going to help Israel go back to the land and rebuild Judah.

“And I’m going to give you Egypt and North Africa… which, okay you die before you conquer them, but I mean, I’ll give them to your son. Yeah, son. And everyone will say how awesome you and I are.

“I’m the only one who can save, not your dumb idols and everyone who doesn’t love me will be put to shame.”

 

Chapter 46:

The gods of Babylon are fallen. They couldn’t save the city.

“Everyone in Israel, I will be with you and carry you guys through. Unlike those stupid idols you keep making. They can’t help you, but I can. I can predict the future. Totally nailed that Cyrus the Great thing… more or less. And I’m totally going to deliver you guys any down now.”

 

Chapter 47:

“Hey, Babylon, God here. Ladies, I’ve seen you doing your magic and sorcery thinking you’re really powerful and stuff, but you’re not. You’re going to lose everything. Babylon will fall and your husbands and sons will die and you’ll be sitting in the dust naked. I gave up Judah to you, but you were mean to them, so you deserve all of this. But go ahead and try your magic spells, maybe they’ll save you.

No, they totally won’t because magic isn’t real.

The TL:DR Bible: Isaiah 42-44


Chapter 42:

God: Hey, guys, look at my servant. He is my chosen one. I put my spirit upon him and he will bring justice to the nations. He will not hurt the hurting or snuff out the faint of heart. He will bring justice and he will not be stopped until he has accomplished that purpose.

Guys, I made everything. I’ve picked you and I will watch over you guys. You’re to be a testimony of how to live to everyone else. Heal the sick, free the prisoners. I’m God and I’m not going to share the title with idols.

Isaiah: Everyone sing a new song to God. Tell him how great he is because a self-sufficient deity needs constant reminders of how cool he is.

God: I’ve been quiet for a while, but I’m going to nuke everything and I’ll lead the blind out of darkness and into a place of peace. Then everyone who worships idols will be ashamed.

Isaiah: Hey, you blind and deaf people. People who hear, but don’t hear and see, but don’t see. God gave us these really awesome laws and other not so awesome laws about slavery and buying women, but the point is you guys screwed up and now you’re miserable and God is punishing us.

 

Chapter 43:

So God says, “Don’t be afraid. I’ve redeemed you, Israel. I will be with you. You will not be harmed. I will gather all of your descendants from the lands I’ve scattered them in and bring them home.”

So everyone gather together and listen to how great the Lord is.

“I am pretty awesome,” God said. “I control everything unlike your other gods. And to show you how much I love you, Israel, I’m going to destroy Babylon. I control everything and make roads in the desert and take care of wild animals and they worship me. But you guys haven’t. You’re not killing sheep for me anymore. You’re not even making me cookies anymore. But you guys sure do love to sin. But I’ll take care of your sins for my own sake and won’t remember them anymore. But I will totally remember them and punish you guys.”

 

Chapter 44:

“But it’s okay because in the future, I will pour out my Spirit upon your descendants and they will know me and worship me the way I want to be worshipped.

“I’m totally God, all of your other gods suck.”

Isaiah: How stupid is it to worship an idol you make out of wood when you’re burning the same kind of wood in your firepits?

“It’s okay, guys,” God said. “I’ll forgive all of your sins, so come on back to Me. I’m the maker of all things and only I can tell the future. Judah will be rebuilt and Cyrus the Great will help you guys do it. Who’s Cyrus the Great, a king that is totally not born as of the writing of this prophesy we totally pinky swear wink wink? We’ll talk more about him in the next chapter.