Tag Archives: Jesus

Love one another and get angry…


Do you ever sit around and think about the story of Jesus chasing the merchants and bankers and jerks out of the Temple?

Because it says in one of the stories that he twisted and braided some leather cords into a whip. Now, I’m not a crafter nor am I particularly good at braiding things, but I imagine that taking at least a little time.

Like he just walks in, sees a bunch of Gentile converts trying to pray and there’s this bazaar going on around them, and he just thinks, “This is not going to stand.”

So he storms off to a corner and says, “Find me some leather straps” to his bros. And they’re like… “Okay. Not the weirdest thing Jesus has asked us to do.” So they find him some leather straps. Maybe give him a few of their belts or sandal ties.

And Jesus sits down and starts crafting. Just furious twisting these leather braids around and all the while he’s just seething. Jaw clenched, hands moving quickly in jerky motions and the disciples are thinking, “Hey, Jesus… whatcha doing?”

“What does it look like? I’m making a whip,” he growls.

“Why?”

“Because I’m going to whip some jackasses, Peter. What do you think I’m going to do with a whip?”

And his boys just shut up because they’re used to “Oh, let’s heal the sick. Let’s feed the hungry. Let’s make the blind see” Jesus. But now, here in the midst of the most central religious place in Judaism, he is just piiiiiissssed. Kind of scary to see actually.

And he’s pissed because the religious people are treating this place like a place to make money. He’s pissed because the faithful coming to worship are getting gouged. He’s pissed because the Gentiles coming to seek God are getting the shaft by the religious people.

See, he’s always stood up for the little guy. He’s always said, “The last will be first” in this new kingdom. He’s touched the untouchable. He’s hugged outcasts and prostitutes and traitors.

And now he walks into his version of church and sees the faithful who should be hugging them with him, abusing them and treating them like crap and abusing his religion in the process.

So he sits in the corner just twisting that leather and seething. Until he’s done, then he calmly walks over to the nearest jackass, flips over the table and starts whipping the ever loving crap out of them.

Now I’m not a pastor or a priest or a religious authority. Hell, sometimes I wonder if God is listening or even up there.

But the one thing I take away from Jesus, the one thing that will stick with me through intellectual doubts or changing times, is to look out for the little guy. To care about the outcasts. To hug the people that polite society and some churches turn their noses up at.

Because if I don’t, If I treat them like crap and refuse to love them, then I’m being a jackass and I deserve to be chased around by one very pissed off Jewish rabbi with a homemade crafted whip.

The TL:DR Bible: Luke 9-10


Chapter 9:

Jesus: Okay, guys, time to go out on your own. I’m giving you the authority to heal people and cast out demons. Don’t take anything with you. Rely on hospitality. If people don’t receive you, shake the dust from your shoes from that town.

Herod is worried that Zombie John the Baptist has risen from the grave.

The disciples come back and Jesus moves to a new town.

Jesus feeds the five thousand again.

Peter invents Catholicism again. Jesus lets them in on the whole dying plan again.

Jesus: If anyone wants to be my disciple, he has to be willing to die a horribly painful death too. But some of you standing here won’t die before my kingdom comes.

Jesus takes Peter, James, and John to a mountain to witness his transfiguration. Luke includes the detail that the disciples were sleeping, but were totally wide awake when they saw Jesus all shiny with Moses and Elijah and heard God speaking to them.

But then Jesus was alone when they woke up, I mean… when the voice was done speaking.

Jesus casts out a difficult demon.

Jesus: If you want to be great in the kingdom, be like a child.

So don’t gather incredible wealth, political power, and private jets? Come on, Jesus, it’s time to cash in on the Christianity thing.

John: There was this other guy who wasn’t part of our church or religion who was doing good works in your name, but we stopped him!

Jesus: Dude, let him do good. If he’s not against us, he’s for us.

So they come to a village of Samaritans and the Samaritans won’t give them hospitality, so James and John say, “Hey, Lord, let’s cast Flame Strike and burn these assholes and their village to the ground!”

Jesus: Sigh… really? You’re really going to murder an entire village for not giving us a hotel room?

God: I would.

Jesus: Stay out of this, Dad.

Then all of these people show up and want to follow Jesus, but Jesus says that being his disciple kind of sucks.

 

Chapter 10:

Jesus sends out seventy of his followers to be messengers and he gives them the same instructions as in the previous chapter.

Jesus says all of you Jew cities are worse than the Gentile cities that God destroyed or promised to destroy but never got around to it in the Old Testament because they don’t believe in Jesus.

The seventy come back and are happy that they can command demons. Jesus is like, “Hey, you guys totally kicked Satan’s ass, but don’t be happy about that, be happy that you’re saved.”

Then Jesus prayed, “Dad, I’m grateful that you haven’t chosen the educated and the smart people to be my disciples, but the hicks, the hayseeds, and the ignorant.

Jesus: You disciples are so lucky. Everyone has wanted to see me since time past into the distant future, but you guys were the chosen ones.

Guy: Hey, Jesus, how do I inherit eternal life?

Jesus: Okay, well, first, you need to say the sinner’s prayer and invite me to come into your heart. Then you need to read your bible, pray daily, go to church every week and every mid-week, witness to others, don’t say bad words or jerk off to porn, don’t be gay, and vote Republican so we can get some anti-abortion judges on the Supreme Court to overturn Roe v. Wade.

Guy: Really?

Jesus: Ha, no. Love God and love your neighbor as yourself.

Guy: Who is my neighbor?

Jesus: There was this evangelical Christian walking along, and some robbers jumped him, beat the snot out of him, took his stuff and left him for dead. Along came a senior pastor, but noticing the nearly dead man, he crossed the street and continued on his way.

Then along came a church elder. He also crossed over and ignored the suffering man.

But then came a gay man. He spotted the evangelical and had compassion on him. He gave the evangelical first aid, then carried him to a hospital. The gay man paid the hospital money out of his own pocket to treat the evangelical and said, “Do what you can for him, and if what I have given you isn’t enough, when I return, I will pay the rest of his bill.”

Which of these men loved his neighbor?

Guy: The one who showed compassion to him.

Jesus: Go and do likewise.

Then Jesus goes to Bethany and stays at the house of Lazarus. His sister Martha is preparing meals for Jesus and his twelve disciples, while the other sister Mary is hanging out with Jesus listening to him.

Martha: Jesus, could you please tell my sister to help me?!

Jesus: Martha, chill. I don’t need a lavish meal. Just some sandwiches. Mary is doing what is better.

The TL:DR Bible: Proverbs 13-15


 Chapter 13:

  • Smart kids listen to their parents. Dumb kids don’t. Which one do you want to be, little Rehoboam? Huh? (Spoiler Alert… he’s one of the dumb ones.)
  • Words matter.
  • Lazy people don’t get anything. Unless they inherit it. Hard work will give you all you desire. Unless you’re working for a minimum wage, in which case… 3… maybe, 4 of those will get you what you desire.
  • There are people who live a lifestyle of wealth, but own nothing but debt, and people who live a simple life who are vastly wealthy… Okay, that was kind of profound, I guess.
  • Wealth obtained by fraud dwindles (Solomon has never heard of Wall St. and the financial industry.)
  • Your life will suck if you’re evil, but you will be blessed by God if you’re good. Job? WRONG!

 

Chapter 14:

  • A wise woman builds her house. A foolish one tears her house down. Yeah… they can’t all be winners, guys.
  • If you love God, your actions will reflect that.
  • Fools say shit that deserves a punch to the face. The wise have more tact.
  • If you don’t have oxen, your barn won’t have shit in it, but it also won’t be producing wealth either.
  • Honest people say the truth. Liars tell lies.
  • No one can feel your pain or your joy.
  • You may think the path you’re on is a good one, but it might lead to death, so come follow this other path that could also lead to death if I’m wrong. Pascal’s wager!
  • People sometimes hide their depression.
  • The Fox News viewer believes anything. But the sensible man considers the source.
  • Quick tempered, thin skinned people will cause trouble. Seems oddly prescient. Maybe this book was inspired.
  • Everyone hates the poor. But we all love the rich.
  • Still, it’s wrong to deny your poor neighbor charity.
  • Wise people are rich. Like me, King Solomon.
  • People who can control their anger are wise. Thin-skinned people tweet folly.
  • The righteous will prosper, the wicked will suffer…
  • The king likes good slaves. Bad slaves get the whip.

 

Chapter 15:

  • Choose your words wisely.
  • Wise people can teach. Fools just say whatever is on their minds no matter how stupid or nonsensical.
  • God is everywhere watching us all. Which should be of great comfort to rape and murder victims. God sees you, but doesn’t do anything to help you.
  • Words can heal or hurt.
  • Seriously, Rehoboam, listen to my instruction so you don’t do something stupid like alienate 10 of the tribes and cause a civil war and lasting schism.
  • Righteous people have lots of money.
  • God hates religious observances that are devoid of good works.
  • Seriously, even though it doesn’t look like it will happen, the righteous will be blessed by God, while the evil people will be punished and killed.
  • Trolls hate people who correct them. Stop engaging with them.
  • The mind of the intelligent man seeks knowledge. The mind of the simple seeks reality TV programs.
  • It’s better to eat a Vegan meal cooked by someone who loves you than it is to eat a giant steak with someone who despises you.
  • “Without consultation, plans fail, but with many consultants is great success,” said the consultant shortly before he was hired on at a salary much greater than yours.
  • Don’t take bribes.
  • Smart people think before they speak. Stupid people don’t.
  • And more God will prosper the righteous (Job: WRONG!) and punish the wicked.

The TL:DR Bible: Deuteronomy 29-34


Chapter 29:

Moses: Hey, remember how God really just killed all of the Egyptians? But you guys are still kind of jerks. And God kept all your clothes and sandals from wearing out for the last 40 years. And then when we reached here, we killed all those guys who lived here so your brothers could live here? That was cool. Keep doing the Law thing so you can have good times forever.

So serve God and don’t serve any idols. And if anyone does, then God is going to curse that person.

Now later on, your descendants are going to screw it all up and the land will be desolate and everyone will wonder what happened and then the survivors will say, “Because we worshipped other gods.” And they’ll say, “Why didn’t that pillar of fire come back and say, “HEY! KNOCK IT OFF, GUYS. I’M RIGHT HERE! ONLY GOD… RIGHT HERE. PILLAR OF FIRE…” and then we’ll say, “Uh…. Because faith?”

 

Chapter 30:

Now, after you guys screw it all up and are mostly killed and your land is destroyed, then God will bring you back and shower blessings on you and it’ll be smooth sailing for the Jews…

God: Uh… Moses?

Moses: One second, Lord, I was just explaining how great you are in that after you finish killing most of us and destroying our cities, you’re going to bring us back and bless us and everything will be great for the Jews…

God: Yeah, about that… well… come here for second…

(Whispering)

Moses: Romans? Okay, okay, that sounds pretty bad…

(more whispering)

Moses: What do you mean your new chosen people are going to blame us for killing you and spend 2,000 years hating and persecuting us?

(Whispering)

Moses: Well, can’t you just come down and explain to them how that’s wrong and stupid and evil?

(Whispering)

Moses: HITLER? SIX MILLION? And you don’t stop that?

(Whispering)

Moses: Okay, okay… I’ve got the picture… Okay, guys, sorry about that… so, yeah… everything’s great… just keep worshipping Yahweh and uh… everything’s great…. Yeah…

 

Chapter 31:

Moses: Okay, I’m 120 today, and God’s going to kill me for hitting a rock. It’s okay, it’s okay… see God kill enough people for really trivial reasons and you figure you’re going to die one day for some really stupid reason too. Good news for everyone who had me in your dead pool.

But, it’s cool. God’s going to go into Canaan with you and you’re going to kill them all and take their stuff, because God is on your side, unless you cross him or one of you sins and then God will judge the whole congregation.

Joshua, you’re in command now. Priests, read my farewell speech once every seven years.

God: You know they’re going to blow it, right? And I’m totally going to have to kill most of them. Why don’t you write a song?

Moses: Yeah, you guys all suck. Joshua, you’re in charge…

Joshua: You said that already.

Moses: Joshua, you’re in charge now…

 

Chapter 32:

Moses’ sings a song. It’s a classic song of God meets nation. Nation wants to see other gods. God beats the crap out of nation until they realize how good they had it with Him.

Moses sings it in front of the people and they take out a restraining order against God, so He must not come closer than 500 yards to them.

God: Okay, Moses, it’s time. Hike up that mountain and I’ll kill you.

Moses: Okay….. God…. I’m…. moving….

(500 years later)

God: Okay, Moses, I get it. You found the loophole, but I’m pretty busy here, can you get a move on?

Moses: Al….most…. there….

God: Okay, enough, Gabriel? Fire up the teleporter.

Moses: You have a teleporter?

 

Chapter 33:

Moses blesses the tribes of Israel

“Reubenites? I hope you live and have kids…

Judah, I hope God helps you out with the whole killing your enemies thing…

Levi? You were religious zealots, so you get to work in tents burning incense instead of the fields, and I hope God kills all of your enemies for you…

Benjamin? I hope you live in peace (you won’t, but I hope you do)…

Joseph? I hope God gives you everything you want even though your progenitor was kind of a dick…

Zebulun and Issachar? Be happy. You get to be mountain folk and fishermen…

Gad? Uh…something about a lion and enlarging and tearing off arms… I don’t know…

Dan? You’re a lion cub… Hakuna mattata…

Naphtali? God’s blessed you. Go live on the beaches.

Asher? You get iron and bronze locks and put your feet in oil…

I’m old…

 

Chapter 34:

God: Hey, Moses, you’re finally here… see all this land? It’s a great land, isn’t it? But you can’t go. Because you hit a rock with a stick. Okay, dead now.

Moses: Urk! (collapses)

God: Oh… I guess I should have brought in some pall bearers or a grave digger. I wasn’t expecting to have to do this myself… oh, I know… I’ll have Michael do it. MIKE!!!!!

Everyone mourned for Moses for 30 days and Josh took command.

And there has never been a prophet like Moses since then because we learned about the scientific method and built the Internet…. No, no, I mean, there’s never been a prophet like Moses since then because Moses got to talk to God face to face. Although, I’d like to point out that if God really wanted us to know He existed and wanted us to keep all of these arcane and sometimes really awful laws, He could have kept hanging around having conversations with us.

But here we are, at the end of the Pentateuch. Moses is dead and buried, Josh is in charge and about to lead Israel into the land of Canaan because those women and children aren’t going to kill themselves.

The TL:DR Bible: Deuteronomy 24-28


 Chapter 24:

Divorce is for men to file, not women. If your husband finds an ‘indecency’ in you, you can write out a certificate of divorce and send you packing.

I’m going to go off a bit here. “Indecency” is a curious word. It could mean anything. And it was certainly taken to mean anything by a lot of people. So much so that the Pharisees asked Jesus what His opinion of this was. Jesus seemed to settle on the answer that indecency meant sexual immorality. But if your wife was committing adultery, the law on that was clear, she was to be put to death. Was this a case of offering a man a divorce if she thought his wife was cheating, but didn’t’ have proof or witnesses? Well, the law provides that magic spell for determining that question back in Numbers 5. So was this a case of the law offering an out to a husband who knew his wife was cheating on him, but didn’t want her killed? Or was it a case of Jesus saying, “You have heard that it was said, but I say to you?” Or was the writer of the gospel misinterpreting the law?

Don’t know. I’d be curious to hear other opinions.  End of tangent.

If the woman you divorced gets remarried, you can’t marry her again even if her new husband dies or divorces her. Apparently, we can add that to the ever expanding list of things God thinks is an abomination.

If you get married, you’re exempt from military service for a year.

If you kidnap a fellow Jew to beat or sell into slavery, it’s the death penalty

Watch out for leprosy. Heh, remember how God gave that disease to my sister?

If you loan someone money, don’t barge into his house to collect your collateral. Wait outside for him to bring it to you. If he’s poor, return it to him at night, because he needs it.

Pay your workers. Don’t cheat them.

You don’t kill fathers for the sins of their sons, or sons for the sins of their father… which is very funny considering how many examples there are in the OT about collective punishment from God on Israel.

Be just. Be just to the aliens, the immigrants, the powerless.

Leave some of your produce behind so poor people can have something to eat. That sounds  suspiciously like state mandated welfare… Hmm…

 

Chapter 25:

If you find a wicked man guilty, you can beat him up to 40 times with a cane or switch or whip, but not any more than that.

Let your ox eat when he’s doing the work of separating grain from the rest of the plant.

If your brother dies, was married, and he didn’t have a son, you have to marry your sister-in-law, have sex with her, and give her a son. Legally, your son becomes your brother’s son, and you become Uncle Daddy. But if you don’t really want to do it, you have to go to the local town council, declare that you don’t want to marry your sister-in-law, then she takes your shoe, spits in your face, and everyone calls you Shoeless, which was apparently a big insult back then.

shoeless

Sports nerds are really laughing right now. 

If you’re fighting with another man, and your wife grabs his junk, cut off her hand. Because there wasn’t enough horrible stuff in Deuteronomy, I guess.

Don’t cheat in business. God hates that. (*cough*TRUMP*cough*)

Go ahead and genocide the Amalekites for God, because the omnipotent deity can’t do it for himself, I guess.

 

Chapter 26:

You have to give the best of your harvest to God, and then when your obligation to God is fulfilled, give it to the poor, the orphans, and the widows.

The tonal shift from genocide to being compassionate and generous almost gave me whiplash

 

Chapter 27:

Build a monument and an altar on Mt. Ebol. Write all of the words of the law on it. Then gather everyone together and call down curses upon those who don’t obey the law.

 

Chapter 28:

If you do everything God says, you’ll be blessed.* But if you don’t, then God will destroy you suspiciously in a manner that sounds exactly like what Nebuchadnezzar did to Jerusalem, but that’s probably just a coincidence.

*Offers of blessings for obedience does not apply if your name is Job… or anyone suffering a horrific disease, financial setback, of the loss of a parent, sibling, child, or close friend. Terms and conditions may apply, void in Maryland.

The TL:DR Bible: Deuteronomy 22-23


Chapter 22:

Don’t be a jerk. If you find something belonging to someone else, return it to them.

The God of the Universe is somehow very concerned about men wearing skirts and women wearing pants. These things are an abomination, so knock it off Scotland!

kilt

Pictured: An abomination to the Lord.

If you come across a bird’s nest, only eat the baby birds in their eggs. Don’t eat the mother too. That would be barbarous.

God’s building code demands you put up a small wall on your roof so people don’t fall off of it. Man, the oppressive hand of big government is just killing all the fun in life.

God is against growing more than one kind of crop in a vineyard. Really? I didn’t find anything about this in the HOA agreement when we genocided the family that lived here and took over their vineyard.

You can’t plow with an ox and a donkey together… Uh…

You can’t wear clothes made of mixed fabric…

And you have to sew tassels to the four corners of your garmet? You’re… you’re just screwing with us now, aren’t you?

Hey, if you marry a peach of a man, and he accuses you of pre-marital sex, then you and your dad have to bring out the bloody sheet and prove that you had an intact hymen and then your new husband has to pay your dad 100 shekels of silver and you have to stay married to that peach forever. Doesn’t that sound fun, ladies?

Oh, and if your hymen wasn’t intact or you didn’t have one or you did have premarital sex then the men of the city get to throw big heavy rocks at you until you die.

If you commit adultery, big heavy rocks for both parties.

If you’re a girl who is engaged to another man, and you get raped in a city, but no one comes to help you, you and your rapist get dragged to the city gates and stoned to death because you must have secretly wanted it because no one heard you cry out. Nevermind that you might have been unconscious, or your rapist had a knife to your throat or threatened to strangle you if you cried out, you must have wanted it.

But if you get raped in the country, you aren’t a dirty whore, and only your rapist has to die.

If you are a girl who is not engaged and you would probably be around the age of 13, and you get raped, then your rapist has to pay your father 50 shekels of silver and you have to marry your rapist and can never be divorced.

And remember everyone, don’t have sex with your mom… I can’t believe that had to be said… would have thought it to be self-evident…but okay.

 

Chapter 23:

  • If you’ve got a bad wiener or huevos, you can’t marry an Israelite or be a citizen of Israel.
  • Same if you’re a bastard in the classical sense, you and your kids to the 10th generation are held responsible for your parent’s actions.
  • Same if you’re an Ammonite or Moabite to the tenth generation, you’re supposed to really hate these guys.
  • Be kind to Edomites and Egyptians though.
  • If you have a wet dream, you’re banned from the group until sundown and a bath.
  • If you have to take a crap, for Pete’s sake, go outside the camp, poop, and bury your poop. Nobody wants to see that.
  • If you encounter a runaway slave, don’t turn him in. Help the poor bastard out.
  • Don’t have sex for money in the service of a different god.
  • Don’t charge interest to fellow Jews, charge it to foreigners.
  • Don’t vow recklessly.
  • If you’re hungry, you can eat from a neighbor’s vineyard, but you can’t take any with you.
  • If you’re hungry, you can eat grain from a neighbor’s field, but not harvest it.

But Lord, if we allow the poor to eat freely, they shall surely become takers and moochers and dependent upon it. Shouldn’t we rather let them starve a bit, so they can become motivated to go and get a job?

The TL:DR Bible: Deuteronomy 19-21


Chapter 19:

We’ve gone over this before. If I had a dollar for every time I’ve said that this far, I’d be retiring.

If you accidentally kill someone, the Israelites were t1 set up three cities initially where you could run and live in peace. Back in those days, justice was a bit more personal. A family member of the deceased would probably pursue to exact their vengeance. As long as you lived in the city, you were safe, after it was determined that you didn’t previous quarrel with the victim.

If you did quarrel with the victim and still accidentally killed him, well, you’re out of luck.

They were to create three more sanctuary cities if their territory expanded.

And if you premeditated to kill someone, going to the sanctuary city wouldn’t help you.

Don’t move your property line.

Don’t believe a single witness, you need two or three to convict someone of a crime. If you discover that the accuser is lying, then he gets the punishment that would have been meted out to the accused.

 

Chapter 20:

The Laws of War:

  • Don’t Panic.
  • Yes, they do outnumber us. Don’t Panic.
  • Yes, they do have a better cavalry and chariots. Don’t panic.
  • The priest shall go forth and tell the people not to panic, God is on their side… you know… unless one of them did something to anger Him.
  • The officers will ask if anyone needs a deferment:
    • If you just built a new house, you’re excused.
    • If you just planted a new vineyard, you’re excused.
    • If you are engaged to a woman, but haven’t married yet.
    • If you’re currently panicking, you’re excused.
  • When you approach a city to fight it, offer them terms of peace.
    • If they agree to the terms, then they are all your slaves forever.
    • If they don’t agree to being your slaves forever, then besiege the city, and when it falls, kill all of the men, but go ahead and take the women and the children to be slaves or ‘wives’ and steal all of their stuff.
    • This only applies to cities that are not in Canaan. All of those filthy bastards, you kill, including unarmed and defenseless women and children. Because for some reason, you might decide to worship their gods after your God just kicked their ass for you.
  • Don’t deliberately destroy fruit trees when you’re at war. You can eat from them. (Yes, apparently, the Israelites Moses was talking to where that stupid.)

 

Chapter 21:

If a murder victim is found in the open country, the people of the nearest village have to kill a heifer and swear that they did not kill the man or see who did. Then God will be happy. I mean, He’s God, so He could just as easily shine a light on the guilty party and say, “He did it”, but as long as an animal is killed, I guess He’s okay with not solving the case.

Hey, guys, notice all the ladies whose cities we destroyed and whose husbands and fathers we killed mercilessly? Well, if you’d like to rape them, take her into your house, shave her head and cut her nails. She has to strip out of her old clothes, but you have to wait a month to rape her, because you did just kill her husband or father and it’s the humane thing to do to let her cry for them for a month. And if you’re not happy with her after you rape her, you have to let her go, you can’t sell her as a slave or hurt or kill her.

If you have some wives and you don’t like one, but she gave you your firstborn son, you can’t disinherit him just because you don’t like his mom or you like the other wives better.

Hey, parents, does your son not listen to you or talk back? Yes, said the parent of every teenager ever. Well, don’t despair. Grab that kid, drag him out to the city gate and then chuck big heavy rocks at your son until he dies. That’ll learn him. And serve as a lesson to the rest of your kids. Do what we say, or mom and dad will literally kill you.

Oh, and don’t leave people hanging on a tree overnight. It’s bad form.

 


Chapter 15:

And in other parts of the bible that Americans seem to ignore, God declares that every seven years all of the debts get cancelled. I’m going to write my credit card companies and let them know that they will be suppressing my religious freedom if they keep making me pay.

Oh, but that only applies to the Jews. Literally. Filthy foreigners need not apply for debt forgiveness. This would be the God that shows no partiality.

But God does promise that there won’t be any poor people if they do everything He says because He’ll bless them so much, they won’t believe it. So if you’re poor, it’s your own fault.

But since you’re always going to have the poor with you, open up your wallet and give them what they need and don’t get stingy if the next year happens to be the debt forgiveness year, or smitey smitey.

If your Jewish brother sells himself into slavery for you, you’ve got to let him go after six years and pay him back wages. Knowing human nature, I’m sure that happened.

And God owns all the firstborn males because he spared them when He killed all the Egyptian first born. But not the crippled or defective ones. You can eat those. God doesn’t want them.

 

Chapter 16:

Moses, do we really NEED to go over the feasts AGAIN? Ehhhhhhh… are we there yet? Can you just go mountain climbing and pass over now so we can get on with the war and genocide? No? Okay, what else?

Appoint judges… don’t take bribes or play favorites says the God who played favorites with one tribe of humanity… don’t make any sex idols or have any sacred groves. God doesn’t like that stuff.

 

Chapter 17:

God reminds you again that he doesn’t like crippled animals. He really hates that.

Kill apostates and infidels.

Any death sentence is to be on the word of 2 or 3 witnesses and they get to throw the first stone. So I guess that answers Jesus’ question in John 8.

If you can’t figure out guilt or innocence, you have to go to the priest and he’ll do it and then you better follow his words or else you die.

When you guys get around to wanting a king instead of the current system of random guy claiming to hear the voice of the Almighty, here are a few rules: He can’t own a lot of horses or buy Egyptian horses and he can’t marry a lot of women… David and Solomon are laughing already… and they shouldn’t get a lot of wealth.

When he takes the throne, he has to copy this verse and read it every day. Maybe put it up on his mirror like an ancient post-it note. Maybe it slipped off of David’s mirror and everyone just forgot about it and married a lot of women, got a lot of gold, and built an army of horsemen. Then when they had to move to Babylon (spoiler alert) the last king was moving the old dresser and found the post-it note, read it, and was like, “DAMN IT!”

 

Chapter 18:

The priests would really like you to know that they get to eat the sacrifices you bring to God.

Don’t make your kids a burnt offering… lookin’ at you Abraham and Jephthah.

Don’t use divination. Except for casting lots and the ‘special’ divination the priest could do.

Don’t practice witchcraft. Hermione…  put down that wand, that’s a no-no…

No sorcerers or spellcasters… jeez, this is going to be a real nerfed party magic-wise… can I least have a Bard, Cleric, or Druid, Lord?

No mediums. Only rares or well-dones.

No spiritists or people who talk to the dead. The only person who claims to hear a special voice you should believe is the priest, judge, or prophet.

God’s going to give them a Super-Prophet like Moses and they better listen to him, but they can’t follow those other prophets who claim to speak for God, but are just faking it. And you’ll know they’re faking it when they say something is going to happen, but it doesn’t.

Well, that’s an okay test if the prophet is dumb enough to make predictions, but if the “true” prophet and the false prophet both say, “God says do this or He’s going to kill you” it kind of breaks the test.

The TL:DR Bible: Deuteronomy 12-14


Chapter 12:

Moses tells them that after their done killing all of the Canaanites and taking their stuff, the Israelites should destroy all of their houses of worship and cut up their gods and burn them or melt them down. But don’t burn down God’s house of worship that He sets up. That last part seems self-evident, but okay. No burning down God’s place. That’s where we’re going to kill all of the animals to let God know that we’re sorry for jaywalking and having naughty thoughts.

God is not in favor of anarchy, sorry libertarian bros.

But everyone should come over to God’s place to worship and kill animals to show him we’re sorry. We can’t kill animals in groves or cultic places, but we can kill animals for food anywhere we please. But don’t eat the blood. The life is in the blood… the life…

God understands if you want a steak, so eat a steak anywhere. God reminds us yet again to not eat the blood.

Don’t worship other gods after you kill the Canaanites… Really, I… I can’t believe this is an actual temptation. I mean, I realize Judaism is new at this point, but I’ve been a Christian for 25 years now and I can honestly say… never been tempted to cross over to Ba’al worship or any other religion.

 

Chapter 13:

If a prophet tells you something that comes true, and then asks you to worship other gods, don’t listen to him, but do chuck big heavy rocks at him until he dies.

If your family becomes apostate or converts to another religion, chuck big heavy rocks at them until they die. God is not in favor of freedom of religion, I guess… and please, don’t chuck big heavy rocks at people who convert to another faith. That’s not cool.

If a city deconverts or converts to another religion, you are to investigate to see if it’s true, and then kill every man, woman, child, toddler, baby, animal in the city, gather all of their stuff in the center of the city and burn it to the ground as a burnt offering to the Lord. Human sacrifice. Neat. And you can’t rebuild that city. But He loves you.

Got to say, I do have a hard time imagining Jesus walking through a town stabbing folks because they became Ba’hai or Buddhist or something.

 

Chapter 14:

We go through the list of food laws again, and the highlights are no pork or shellfish. Don’t eat eagles if you have some sort of patriotic urge to do so. And don’t eat rabbits, the author says, because they chew the cud, but don’t have split hooves.

So we learn that Elmer Fudd was an unclean abomination, and the author of Deuteronomy didn’t know that rabbits don’t chew the cud.

The TL:DR Bible: Deuteronomy 8-11


Chapter 8:

Moses: Keep all of the commandments. Remember what God did for you during these past forty years and how he tested you and humbled you, so the omniscient God could know what was in your heart. Try to ignore that contradiction, please. Remember when he led you into a desert without food and made you all hungry and worried you might starve? That was good times… but then he fed you, so you know your life is literally in His hands. Every beat of your heart. Tick. Tick. Tick… He might let the next one happen… he might not…

But God did keep your clothes and your shoes from wearing out. And He killed thousands of us, but that was just discipline, like how you kill a couple of your children to set an example for the others. So fear God and He’ll be nice to you.

If you don’t, God will destroy you like you’re going to destroy the Canaanites.

But remember, He loves you.

 

Chapter 9:

Moses: God’s going to kill the Canaanites and let you live in their land, but not because you’re awesome, but because He really hates the Canaanites.

Remember how crappy you guys have been the last forty years and how God was forced to keep kills you and threatened to wipe you all out and only my intervention saved you? Also remember how I’m the most humble man on Earth, and I’m reminding you of how awesome I was on your behalf?

 

Chapter 10:

Moses: Then I had to rewrite the Ten Commandments because I broke the last set, and I convinced God not to kill all of the Jews and we left.

So what does God want from you? To do everything He says and love Him. God executes justice for the widows and orphans, and shows His love for the alien by giving him food and clothing, so be nice to aliens, because your ancestors were aliens once too. (Unless you’re an American Christian, in which case, you can safely ignore this bit of the bible too as it conflicts with your politics. Trump 2016!)

 

Chapter 11:

Moses: Have I mentioned that if you keep all of the commandments of God, God’s going to make your life super easy and you’ll have rain and abundant crops and all that?