Tag Archives: personal

No Post Today


Not feeling well today.

We’ll continue our slog through 2 Chronicles tomorrow.

The unexpected wave


Have you ever been going about your day and then depression just hits you like a wave, sweeps you off your feet, and causes you to feel as if you’re being dragged down, and you know you have to fight it because you can’t just collapse at your desk, so you keep struggling and grinding ahead with your day because you have to, not because you want to?

(I’m in treatment for it and anxiety and I have a lot more good days since I started, but somedays it still ambushes me.)

Middle age


Yesterday, I was my son’s age playing and worrying about school and homework. Then I was a young man, trying and often failing to find my path in this world. Today, I am an adult of all things, wondering how I got here and still trying to find my way while bluffing in front of others to make it seem like I know what I’m doing. Tomorrow, God willing, I’ll be an old man looking forward to seeing the grandkids. And the day after that, I will be gone.

Life is amazingly short and, in the end, the only thing that will matter is if we made this world a little better by being here than it would have been otherwise, by how we treated each other: family, friends, strangers.

Insomnia


2:30 am.

Haven’t slept. Thinking about the future. Sick to my stomach.

Anxiety or bad food? Heartburn or heart attack? Guess we’ll see which if I wake up or not.

Fuck.

Kids are sleeping. Peaceful. Happy.

Awake. Thinking of their future. Too many worst case scenarios to think of. I hope they’re never like this. Awake at 2:40 worrying. That my issues don’t screw them up. Anxiety that I already have.

Never peace. Only moments of less anxiety.

Close my eyes. Try to sleep. Seems like forever. Clock says it was 5 minutes.

Fuck.

Hope I don’t fall asleep at work. Heart beating fast now.

Probably anxiety. Always anxiety.

Fuck.

Try to fall asleep. Rest.

Feeling sick again. Morning comes too quickly. Still…awake.

Fuck.

Monday fun


Depression, anxiety, semi-compulsive thoughts about death and loss, acid reflux, a pervasive feeling that I’m doing a horrible job at work and raising my children, and a brain that seems to jump automatically to ‘worst-case scenario’ mode as the most likely scenario to happen.

Just another Monday. Weeeeeee!

(And no, it wasn’t any easier when I was self-medicating with alcohol. I still had all of those issues, plus an added anxiety that I was becoming an addict and would end up drinking myself to an early death.)

(Aslo no, it wasn’t any easier when I was a religious fundamentalist, except then I also had the pervasive fear that God hated me and was going to torture me forever because of thought crimes.)

Just something I have to deal with day to day. Keep moving forward.

Where I’m at…


I’m now 29 days into sobriety.

Not that I think I needed meetings, but I’m trying to get healthy again, and downing a bottle of wine a night just isn’t healthy.

Sleeping much better now. Instead of waking up every 2-3 hours, I sleep 6 hours and wake up. The quality is much better too. Getting a lot more dreams now, which reminds me of why I wanted to write. I might have to spend some time trying to restart my writing side career.

Anyway, the biggest difference is that I’ve noticed just how much TV sucks.

That said, I just finished watching Daredevil, which was really good. Brutal and well choreographed fight scenes. Pretty well-rounded characters who react like flawed people.

I’ve also still been keeping up with NCIS, The Flash, Arrow, Agents of SHIELD, An Idiot Abroad, The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Person of Interest, and It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

I gave up on Gotham and Scorpion.

I’ve been listening to Dan Carlin’s Hardcore History (Blueprint for Armageddon), Drunk Ex-Pastors, Doug Loves Movies, How did this get made?, History of WWII, History of the Papacy, British History Podcast, and Ancient Religions of the Mediterranean.

Still trying to get through Star Wars Episode II so I can do my next installment of Nerd Fight, but it’s… wow… it is really, really rough. It’s worse than I remember it being.

Anyway, hope all is well with ya’ll. I’ll post another round of Bible Family Values tomorrow along with anything else that catches my interest.

Facebook fun…


Anyone else write out full multi-paragraph responses to someone’s meme or post illustrating how ill-informed that meme is, and then promptly delete without posting because it’s not going to be worth the fallout.

Day 8


Fell off the wagon a bit yesterday. Trying to get back on it. I might double up on protein days this week to right the ship.

Oh well, change isn’t easy, but I’m not giving up.

Day 4


No carb days are over.

They sucked, but I can’t really argue with the results. Down 11.8 lbs in 3 days.

So now we’re in low carb mode, which is 50-100 g a day. I’m going to shoot for the mid-range, but actually looking at the number of carbs in food has been a revelation. There’s a shitload of carbs in everything.

I can’t even imagine how much I was eating before I started measuring my intake, and I’m starting to realize that it’s no wonder the US has such a problem with type 2 diabetes.