Tag Archives: Republicans

Clueless


“I just don’t know how so many conservatives could believe Democrats are evil, Satanic pedophile baby killers who hate America!” says conservative Jonah Goldberg who spent entire career saying Democrats are evil, Satanic pedophile baby killers who hate America.

What life in America feels like right now…


Conservatives elect bigoted ash-hole rapist with zero experience running the government and horrible business sense.
Democrats and the media: Gosh! How could this have happened? We need to try and reach out and understand them better!
Conservatives: We hate you and want to murder you.
Democrats/Media: Oh, my. It must be economic anxiety.
Con: We really hate you and want to murder you.
Kidnapping and caging of children happens.
Dems/Media: How could anyone possibly do something like this?
Con: We hate you and want to kill you.
Nazi marches and riots happen.
Dems/Media: Is this really the sort of company you want to keep?
Con: We hate you and want to murder you.
Vaccine for deadly pandemic is made. Conservatives refuse to get vaccinated and yell in people’s faces about being asked to wear a mask to help save lives.
Media: Clearly they’ve just been misinformed.
Cons: We hate you and want to murder you.
Attempted coup happens where a white conservative mob tries to murder Congress.
Dems: Clearly we have to get to the bottom of this. Let’s discuss it in a committee.
Media: We just don’t understand why so many conservatives think the election was rigged and won’t accept Biden as president.
Cons: We HATE you and want to MURDER you.
Congressman tweets out video of him murdering another congressman and threatening to murder the President.
Dems: Okay, this is just too far. You’re getting a mild slap on the wrist, buddy.
Media: Gee, I just don’t understand why Republicans aren’t condemning this video… it’s a mystery.
Cons: We fucking hate you and want to fucking kill you all.
Media: Yep… just a complete mystery…

A war of all against all…


Whatsoever therefore is consequent to a time of War, where every man is Enemy to every man; the same is consequent to the time, wherein men live without other security, than what their own strength, and their own invention shall furnish them with all. In such condition, there is no place for Industry; because the fruit thereof is uncertain; and consequently no Culture of the Earth; no Navigation, nor use of the commodities that may be imported by Sea; no commodious Building; no Instruments of moving, and removing such things as require much force; no Knowledge of the face of the Earth; no account of Time; no Arts; no Letters; no Society; and which is worst of all, continual fear, and danger of violent death; And the life of man, solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short.

Leviathan XIII – Thomas Hobbes

I sometimes wonder if Republicans got to that part in the book, read that bolded line and thought, “Yes! By God, yes! This is the way life should be! This is what mankind was made for!”

I really can’t explain their behavior any other way than that they honestly believe they are at war with every other man, woman, or child, and every other man, woman, and child is at war with them.

A modest healthcare proposal…


Someone has leaked some of the negotiations between Congress and the White House on reforming healthcare:

“Okay, let’s start this meeting. We need a strategy on reforming health care. Bitch?”

“It’s Mitch, Mr. President.”

“Not from where I’m sitting. Bitch? What’s the strategy for getting this through the Senate.”

“Well, many of our colleagues our convinced that forcing 22 million people off of health insurance would be bad for their electoral chances, but several of them are convinced that we’re not forcing enough people off of health care. Right now we’re trying to figure out how to be more cruel… but in a nice way. Senator Cruz suggested a compromise where some poor people can have health insurance, but only if they eat a live puppy.”

“Puppies are good. People love puppies. I like it. We’ll get good ratings. I, of course, prefer pussy. But I get it. Paula?”

“Paul, Mr. President.”

“Are you into this whole puppy eating thing?”

“The House Freedom caucus objects to the government giving free food to anyone, even if it is a rather cute puppy that they must horribly butcher and eat raw. They suggest that people have to go and buy a puppy on their own to eat.”

“But what if they can’t afford their own puppy?”

“The Freedom caucus suggested as an alternative that they could eat one of their children. That’ll not only feed them, but also free up some of their income so they can pay higher insurance premiums.”

“I like it. Always a parent’s prerogative to eat the weaker of their spawn. Tried to do that with Tiffany, but she was just so fast and nimble. Could never get the drop on her. Just like her old man. Let’s go with that then.”

Inauguration Day 2017…


Oh look, Mr. Trump has arrived at the White House… isn’t that nice?

sauron

“But I’m pro-life!” (rimshot)


HUGH HEWITT: Could you order air strikes that would kill innocent children by not the scores, but the hundreds and the thousands? Could you wage war as a commander-in-chief?

CARSON: [L]ater on, you know, they really realize what’s going on. And by the same token, you have to be able to look at the big picture and understand that it’s actually merciful if you go ahead and finish the job, rather than death by 1,000 pricks.

(Sings) Jesus loves the little child-ren. All the children of the world…

HEWITT: So you are OK with the deaths of thousands of innocent children and civilian? It’s like…

CARSON: You got it. You got it.

(Continues singing) bloody, broken, black and blue, we are bombing all of you!

“That is what war… can you be as ruthless as Churchill was in prosecuting the Nazis?” Hewitt pressed on.

(Singing) Jesus loves the little children of the world… except the Muslims…

A few minor corrections…


Dr. Ben Carson gave this statement today to the press regarding the revelation that despite his claims to the contrary, he did not receive a full scholarship to West Point:
“Thank you all for coming. At the advice of my campaign manager and our legal team, I would like to clear up a few misconceptions about my past.

“To start with, contrary to claims made in my autobiography, I did not single-handedly stop a group of international terrorists from killing hostages at the Nakatomi building. That was the fictional character John McLane. I apologize to Mr. Bruce Willis and would like to say that I truly enjoy his movies, including Blind Date… which is also a lie. Nobody enjoyed Blind Date.

“Secondly, on page 257, where I said, I was the daring X-wing pilot that fired the proton torpedoes that destroyed the Death Star. That is also factually incorrect. That was Luke Skywalker. Apologies to the Disney Corporation and I hope this will convince you to withdraw any pending litigation.

“Regarding page 391. I was never known as the Boy Who Lived. Nor did I train to be a wizard. That was Harry Potter. The lightning bolt ‘scar’ on my forehead was drawn with a Sharpie. Apologies to J.K.Rowling and the Sharpie corporation.

“Likewise on page 448, a minor correction: I did not carry the one ring to Mt. Doom. The only ring I’ve ever carried or worn has been my wedding ring. Which does not make me invisible. Apologies to the Tolkien Estate and New Line Cinema.

“I did not beat the Kobyashi Maru test. That was James Kirk.

“I did not stop the bad guy with a golden gun, Scaramanga, that was James Bond…

“And I was not the first apostle martyred for my faith, that was St. James.

“And lastly, I was not known as the godfather of soul, that would be James Brown… apologies to everyone named James. Thank you. There will be no questions…”

Previewing tonight’s debate


“America, **** yeah! OBAMA… BAD! IRAN… BAD! MEXICANS… BAD! HEALTHCARE BAD! ISRAEL… GOOD. Woo! America! **** yeah! Woo! Freedom! Woooooo!”

Repeat 9x in slightly different verbiage.

Suggested music for tonight’s GOP debate…


American exceptionalism


One of these days, I’d really like for some journalist to start calling politicians on their “America is the most exceptional country in the world” statement by asking, “In what way is America the most exceptional country? Certainly not in the number of gun deaths, or education, or health care, or even total GDP output now and you have voted against attempts to improve any of those things… so please quantify for us the ways in which America leads the world as the most exceptional?”