Tag Archives: star wars

Rise of Skywalker Thoughts – Spoilers abound


Hey, everyone, Palpatine is back!

Wait, what?

Yeah, Emperor Palpatine, he’s back, bitches! Woo! Palps in the house.

What about Kylo Ren… I thought he was going to be the new Supreme Leader of the First Order? Being his own man… leaving the past behind to die and rot? Killing Snoke to let the Sith and the Jedi both die…

Oh, he’s back, but now he’s okay with being the Emperor’s lackey and letting the Sith come back to power. Also, there are like a bunch of Sith cultists now sitting around a giant room and they have like 10,000 star destroyers with crew and Death Star guns that have been sitting under the ice on this planet for like 20 years.

What?

Yep. 10,000 Death Stars. It’s the only logical end to the Star Wars saga. Search your feelings, you know it to be true.

Where the fuck did all this shit come from?

I don’t know.

How the hell is Palpatine alive when he was thrown into a reactor core, exploded and then the Death Star he was on exploded?

I don’t know.

Where did all these people come from and who trained them?

I don’t know.

Why the hell did they wait to build like 10,000 of these things? I’d think ten could have probably done the job of scaring everyone in the galaxy into agreeing to come back to the Empire.

I don’t know.

And how the hell did they pay for all this and do all of this shit in  secret with nobody mentioning the zombie Emperor or all those thousands of Sith acolytes standing around chanting dramatically?

I don’t know. Look if you keep asking questions, we’re never getting through this movie.

Sorry, go on…

Anyway, Palpatine wants Kylo to kill Rey because she’s his granddaughter.

Oh, wow… so we’re just going to pretend that The Last Jedi didn’t happen, huh?

Last Jedi? Never heard of it.

I thought so. So what happened to the message that heroes can rise from anywhere and be anybody?

Anybody related to someone super powerful.

Also fuck you for making me think of melty faced old Palpatine getting busy with his melty, wrinkly lightsaber.

You’re welcome.

So why didn’t his son become a Sith?

Because.

You really didn’t think any of this shit through, did you?

Nope.

They ran away and sold her to junk traders.

Why didn’t they just give her to Luke Skywalker or Princess Leia? Emperor Palpatine was dead… ish… Rey was born… checks Wikipedia… 11 years after Endor. The New Republic should be governing the galaxy by now. Why not just turn themselves in, claim asylum, and say, “Hey, we’ve got a new Jedi kid you might want to train so she doesn’t grow up evil like her dead grandpa?”

Hey, look! Finn is now Force Sensitive.

Jesus Christ…

And Snoke was a meat puppet for Palpatine!

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. Anything else you want to pull out of your ass?

Everyone always knew that Rey was Emperor Palpatine’s Granddaughter all along.

@#)*$@#)*$#@)$@#)&$@#*$^!!!!!_ #(@!_($#!

Anyway, Palpatine sent out a broadcast to the galaxy saying, “I’m coming in sixteen hours to get my revenge.”

Why the hell would he tell everyone about his super evil plan before he’s executing his superevil plan?

To give the heroes a chance to stop it, duh.

So the heroes go and stop it?

No, first they have to go find a Sith Wayfinder to point them to the world where Palpatine and the Fleet are. So they go from world to world tracking down clues.

So now we’re watching a video game quest.

Look! It’s Lando! You love Lando, right?

I do love Lando.

Yeah. Also Kylo and Rey can now pass stuff to each other through the Force.

Sigh… sure… okay. Why not?

Leia dies sending Ben a Force message that turns Kylo back to being Ben Solo.

I… sigh…

And Harrison Ford shows up to say, “Hey, son, why don’t you stop being a Nazi dick.” And this time Kylo’s like, “Sure.”

Well, that was super easy.

Barely an incon-

Shh… I don’t want to get sued.

Rey travels all the way back to Acht-to-

Bless you.

I see what you did there. Niiiiiice.

And they’ve travelled to and from like five different planets in less than sixteen hours?

Yep. Time and distance are insignificant compared to the power of the plot device.

Rey is super worried about becoming evil because of her genes, but Ghost Luke tells her to stop being all whiny and get on with wrapping up this movie.

That would be nice.

So she goes and Grampa Palps says, “Hey, kill me so I and the other Sith Lords can possess you. Won’t that be fun? Then we can kill the galaxy and play lawn darts, you scamp.”

What other Sith Lords?

All of them, you know. Palpatine is possessed by all of them.

How…

Don’t ask questions. Just go with it.

That should have been the title of this movie.

But Rey says, “Nooooooooo!” and then Ben shows up to save her, but Palpatine uses Force Drain and it’s supereffective. So he goes back to being alive again.

Why didn’t he just drain all of the Sith and go back to being young man Palpatine?

Just go with it.

So Palpatine shoots up Force Lightning to disable all of the ships.

What?

Just go with it.

And then Rey has like one hit point left… but all of the ghost Jedi give her a pep talk and she levels up and gets half her hit points back. And then Palpatine is like, “Hey, maybe I should finish off the super powerful Jedi just sitting in front of me who is the only thing standing between me and-

UNLIMITED POWER!! HAHAHAH!

Yeah. But Rey blocks his Force Lightning and reflects it back at him and he explodes and kills all of the Sith.

All thousands of them who sit around and watch this happen for no reason?

Yes. And then Rey dies, but Ben comes up and Force Heals her, and they kiss-

Fuck you.

Totally warranted. But then Ben dies and fades away into the Force so Rey can’t Force Heal him and they go back and forth comically healing the other one and then dying.

So I guess the secret to stopping people from dying really wasn’t that hard to discover?

Nope. Anakin was just stupid.

And whiny.

He really sucked.

Agreed.

Then the Rebels have a party. A couple of women kiss in the background to piss off all the family values conservatives.

They’re already convinced that this movie is a gateway to Satan.

Chewie gets his medal.

Jesus, they’re really just listening to everyone on Twitter aren’t they? What’s next? Is Boba Fett gonna show up and explain how he escaped the Sarlaac Pit?

They Rey goes back to Tatooine to bury Luke and Leia’s lightsabers, because she has one of her own now that’s yellow.  And someone asks her her name and she says, “Rey Skywalker.”  Because she’s rejected her lineage and decided to become a Skywalker.

So she’s rejected one powerful family lineage and embraced a different powerful famous family lineage?

Yep.

We’re, uh… we’re done with this, right?

Yep. Wanna go watch more Baby Yoda clips?

It is my destiny. 

 

 

Happy Life Day


As we all gather round for the upcoming holiday, the release of Episode VII, it’s a good time to sit down with family and reflect on just how godawful mixing Star Wars and Christmas have been in the past.

New Star Wars trailer – in which I geek out like a little kid again…


Star Trek vs. Star Wars, Round 1


In honor of a new Star Wars movie coming out in December, I thought I’d revisit one of the classic nerd fights and rewatch the six Star Wars movies and pit them against their numerical counterparts in the Star Trek universe. So without further ado, let’s jump into Star Trek: The Motion Picture vs. Star Wars: Episode I: The Phantom Menace.

Star Trek: The Motion Picture:

Characters: It’s the old Enterprise crew. Though for half the time, Kirk is a dick, Spock is back to full Vulcan mode, and the other characters are ignored. Still, the old chemistry flares up every now and again and when it does, there’s a likability to this group that isn’t easily replicated.  Steven Collins gives the movie a bit of an ick factor now.

Plot: It’s a hard sci-fi plot heavy on the science fiction and light on any action. A machine we built returns to us hundreds of years later and neither of us remember the relationship we had. A lot about evolving beyond our limitations, etc. It’s a decent story overall. It just really needs a bit of editing.

Villain: It’s a space cloud for half of the movie. This is NEVER a good thing.

The rest of the movie, V’ger is a 20-something year old woman in a mini-tunic. There are some interesting alien ship designs, even if they’re completely impractical. All in all V’ger is not the most compelling villain for most of the movie.

Problems:

  • Opening with a black screen and music isn’t a great idea. This is just padding for a movie that doesn’t need it.
  • Seeing Stephen Collins in anything is kind of creepy now.
  • Not enough editing.
  • This movie really likes its space shots of spaceship models.
  • The recurring theme in Star Trek movies: the Enterprise is still under repair/manned by an inexperienced crew/not ready for combat, but She’s. The. Only. Ship. Available. Hence Starfleet is full of incompetents to have zero ready combat ships near Earth.
  • Did I mention the lack of editing?
  • The clunky love conquers all, even hyper-advanced artificial intelligences resolution.

How to make it better:

  • Get rid of the filler. We don’t need five minutes of looking at the new Enterprise. We don’t need 20 minutes of looking at the Enterprise’s viewscreen’s image of V’ger’s exterior. We don’t need a black screen with an orchestral opening.
  • Get rid of the whole “Enterprise isn’t ready for action yet.” It’s simply a way to add unnecessary drama at the expense of making Starfleet and Engineering look incompetent.

Overall: It’s an okay 2:10 movie with some likable moments, but not enough to actually win me over.  If the entire movie were about 1:30 – 1:40, I think I’d add another 3 points to my score, but as it stands, I’ll give it a 5/10.

Star Wars: Episode 1: The Phantom Menace

Preface: I have a bad feeling about this. At least I did when I noticed that most of my notes contained profanity.

Characters: Let’s break this down quickly:

Obi Wan Kenobi: Okay

Qui-Gon Jinn: Unnecessary, but Liam Neeson is great as a Jedi that doesn’t always follow the rules.

Anakin: … Okay, Jake Lloyd, if you ever read this… this is NOT your fault. I’m sorry everyone gave you so much crap for this. You didn’t deserve it.  The problem was with the script and the idea of making Anakin a kid to begin with, not with you. You did a good job with what you were given.

Padme: Natalie Portman is lifeless in this role. She has moments when the good actor in her shines through, but otherwise there’s nothing. Also, she’s supposed to be 14, but looks like an adult young lady. Per IMDB, when this movie came out, she was 18, so it’s a bit creepy that she and Anakin have a weird attraction going on.

Darth Maul: Good, but ultimately a wasted opportunity for a good villain.

Jar Jar: Fuck this movie.

Plot: The Trade Federation invades Naboo over a dispute regarding taxation of Outer Rim trade routes at the behest of a Sith Lord, who hopes to force the Queen of Naboo into signing a treaty recognizing Trade Federation control of her planet and it’s up to two Jedi to stop this. Meanwhile, an entirely pointless hour happens which involves Tatooine, pod racing, and exciting Senatorial debates about procedure. Also Jar Jar Binks. Seriously, fuck this movie.

Villain: Darth Maul is definitely menacing, but never has the chance to develop into more than a thug. Darth Sidious (aka the future Emperor) is good as always, but makes few appearances. The Trade Federation… George… you created the evil Empire quintessential space Nazi villains. Were you having an off day when you wrote this?

I mean… I guess it’s mildly better than the space cloud portion of V’ger, but V’ger still manages to feel more threatening anyway.

Problems:

  • There’s an hour that seriously could be cut out without the loss of anything related to the plot. From the point the Queen leaves Naboo to the point where she returns. Her entire trip to Coruscant does nothing to advance the main plot of the movie. She could have stayed on Naboo and accomplished the same thing she did at the end.
  • The Trade Federation are not compelling villains. They’re goofy, cowardly, and evoke sort of a racist vibe.
  • Kid Anakin. Look, I understand the idea to show Darth Vader as an innocent, good child and how even the most monstrous among us start with a clean slate to highlight the loss of innocence and personal tragedy. But you only have three movies to do the following: build up and show a friendship between Anakin and Obi Wan, show Anakin slowly being pushed over the edge, and convince us all that Anakin’s fall matters and has emotional resonance. That’s six hours. Spending time with Kid Anakin wastes two of those hours.
  • Jar Jar Binks. I know kids like him. I know he has his defenders. But every time he said or did anything, I swore at my TV.

How to make it better:  Everyone has an idea on how to make these movies better, but a few ideas:

  • I’ll steal an idea from this video (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VgICnbC2-_Y). Make Naboo into Alderaan. Spending time on Alderaan and getting to know people there would make the destruction of Alderaan in episode 4 more of a kick to the gut.
  • The Trade Federation are not compelling villains. Let’s make the main villain a well-respected Republic officer who goes rogue with his fleet. His stated reasons for doing so are to highlight the Republic’s neglect of the Outer Rim region, his actual reasons are to retrieve a sentient droid army that was locked away in a hidden vault.
  • Anakin is no longer a child. He’s a teenager (16-19) who is a pilot on a smuggling ship that Obi Wan and his apprentice Padme Organa (a member of the royal family who was given to the Jedi as a child) use to infiltrate the besieged Alderaan to find out what’s going on with our rogue Republic Admiral.
  • I’ll also steal an idea from Guardians of the Galaxy and make Jar Jar into a sarcastic blaster toting Ewok who fell in with the smugglers and sort of just never left.
  • R2 is also with Anakin’s crew.
  • Taking a page from The Old Republic game, replace Gunguns with Killiks.
  • Obi Wan takes Anakin under his wing sensing his potential. Anakin and Padme have the standard pre-romantic bickering.
  • Keep the whole movie on Alderaan, with a few cuts to the Senate and Senator Palpatine using the crisis to get himself the Chancellorship.
  • Darth Maul wounds Obi Wan in the ending duel, giving Anakin enough anger to choke the Sith Lord and chuck him down a reactor shaft. He gets better.

Random thoughts while watching this movie:

  • Hey, you know what’s almost as bad as making me look at a black screen and listen to music for the first five minutes of your movie? A long screed about how the taxation of trade routes to outlying star systems is in dispute and a trade embargo against Naboo.
  • It’s the goddamned Neimodians. Also almost as bad as a space cloud… well… worse in that the space cloud never spoke in a racist accent.
  • And battle droids. Yay.
  • Okay, I can think of at least five ways to use telekinesis to deal with droidekas. 1.) Use the Force to crush them like an aluminum can. 2.) Yank out their blasting arms. 3.) Lift them up and point their guns at the ceiling while the other Jedi stabs them from underneath. 4.) Lift them up and point their guns away from me until I find an escape pod/airlock and shove them out into space. 5.) Make them face each other so if they shoot, they shoot each other. Qui-Gon cuts through the blast door. Movie over. Mercifully.
  • Where the fuck is Anakin? This is supposed to be his story and Obi Wan’s story.
  • Jar Jar. Fuck this movie.
  • Jar Jar. Fuck. This. Movie.
  • Ex-squeeze me… FUCK.
  • I’m only 12 minutes in and I already want to start fast forwarding.
  • Why I am doing this to myself?
  • I need to go home and rethink my life.
  • The underwater city is pretty cool looking. Nice special effects.
  • How Wude… FUCK YOU…
  • “Are you an angel?” To quote Harrison Ford, “You can type this shit, George, but you sure can’t say it.”
  • Why… why… why?
  • CGI Yoda is an abomination.
  • This entire trip to Coruscant accomplished nothing except adding an hour to the movie.
  • Really? The Naboo had time to program their fighter’s auto-pilots to fly their Starfighters to the droid control ship? Really? Sure, why not at this point? Anything to end the movie more quickly.
  • Qui Gon’s death depends entirely on Obi Wan forgetting that he used the Force earlier in the movie to run superhumanly fast.
  • Darth Maul’s method of death does make Obi Wan’s “I have the high ground!” reasoning in Episode III even dumber.

Overall: I hate this movie. It has a few redeeming factors that I mentioned above, but ultimately it just made me angry watching it. 2/10.

Winner: I’ll be honest,  I thought Star Wars would win this round before I rewatched the movies. But overall, if you had to ask me which movie I thought was better and which one I’d rather rewatch, it would be Star Trek: The Motion Picture.

Star Trek gets the point and takes an early 1-0 lead.

Maybe her HMO didn’t cover actual medical care…


Yeah, I know this is old, but it’s still pretty damn funny:

Star Wars VII: The Force Awakens trailer


Okay, sitting here with my five year old son watching this trailer brought back all sorts of fond and pleasant memories and made me feel like a kid again.

Seriously, please do not screw this up, guys.

Star Wars Episode VII trailer to debut today…


Disney discovered sometime over the weekend that there was this thing called the Internet and that people carried smart phones with cameras on them so rolling out the trailer to nine theaters nationwide would last until about 2 seconds after the first of the trailers finished, so they’re posting it to the web officially today.

Or maybe their marketing team decided that the best way to get everyone to talk about the trailer was to pretend that it was going to be exclusive, in which case I’ve fallen for their evil plans and am helping to publicize the trailer, which I would have done anyway.

Anyway, when it’s up, I’ll post it. In the meantime, for those who cannot wait, here’s a site that updates every 90 seconds with news, comments, and announcements.

Batman vs. Darth Vader


Really, unless Batman packs an anti-Force spray in his utility belt, this fight should have been over in 5 seconds.

Batman: Give it up, Vader. You can’t beat me. I’m Batman!

Vader: <lifts hand and uses the Force to telekintetically crush every bone in Batman’s body> “I find your lack of faith… disturbing.”

Nerd News Roundup


Thor: The Dark World

io9 has a description of 30 minutes of footage from Thor: The Dark World.

Just watched a 30-minute clip. It is composed of many smaller clips, so the plot is not consistent.

It begins with Loki wearing handcuffs in Asgard. Guards escort Loki to Odin’s throne where Frigga tells Loki not to repeat his past mistakes. Loki retorts what is “repeat?” To punish Loki, Odin informs him that he will be permanently locked away in a dungeon, and tells him that his brother Thor will be the king.

Then the scene cuts to Thor and the Warriors Three fighting in a village. Thor and Sif have a banter. Sif is seen shielding herself from an arrow. The scene concludes with Thor smashing a stone-like creature (Kronan).

Next up, a brief dialogue scene between Thor and Heimdall, as they look at the stars from the end of the Bifrost (Rainbow Bridge).

It goes on from there.

Star Wars

Here’s a look at one of the new villains we’ll be seeing on the animated Star Wars: Rebels show coming to Disney XD: The Imperial Inquisitor.

With each successive villain wielding even less practical weapons, I predict the next Star Wars villain will use a Krull-saber.  If you've never seen Krull, you won't get this joke... but seriously, it's not worth watching Krull to get it. Trust me.

With each successive villain wielding even less practical weapons, I predict the next Star Wars villain will use a Krull-saber.
If you’ve never seen Krull, you won’t get this joke… but seriously, it’s not worth watching Krull to get it. Trust me.

The inquisitors were a group of dark Force users serving under Darth Vader. Some were turned Jedi, others were trained from their youth. They were used to hunt down the surviving Jedi, which means that it’s likely that there will be at least one Jedi protagonist in the series as well who will cause this particular inquisitor a great deal of grief every week.

Anyway, if it all sounds goofy, it sort of is.

Doesn’t mean I won’t watch it.

Because I am a dork.

Sigh…

General

If you’re a user of the Chrome browser, you might want to regularly clear your cache.

Feinman: Chrome has several databases and files that store information on users’ computers. One of those databases is encrypted and designed specifically to store passwords securely. However, other unencrypted databases and files store strings of text regardless of their sensitivity.

These files are where Identity Finder was able to find unprotected credit card numbers and other personally identifiable information. This means a lost or stolen computer or one infected with malware could lead to identity theft even without access to the underlying Windows account.

Nerd News Roundup


Star Wars

Here’s a promo for Star Wars: Rebels, the new animated series that replaces Star Wars: The Clone Wars.

In the movie universe, reportedly Sir Ben Kingsley has auditioned for a role for Episode VII.

Wonder Woman

This isn’t an announcement for a movie or a TV show or even another DTV animated movie. Nope. It’s an announcement that they would really like to do one of those things with the character, which might make you wonder since they own the property and have the money to do it, why the character sits on the shelf right now gathering dust.

The Hollywood Reporter was present for an entertainment law conference this past weekend and during the proceedings Tsujihara said that the studio is prioritizing some kind of Wonder Woman project, but that at this time what that project will be is unknown. Noting the studio’s lack of superhero movies outside of Batman and Superman as “missed opportunity,” the executive said that there are “huge plans for a number of other DC properties on TV” and that they “need to get Wonder Woman on the big screen or TV.”

Judging from the past few ‘projects’ they commissioned, in which she was Single Female Lawyer, I’m guessing she’s sitting on the shelf because they have no clue what to do with her.

Marvel

Want.

13aa_iron_man_3_deluxe_light-up_shirt