Tag Archives: TL:DR Bible

The TL:DR Bible: Epilogue


What do you do when you wake up and you realize that you have doubts about your faith? I turned to my scriptures and I read them.

Did it help resolve the doubts?

No. It made the doubts stronger. Whether it’s the contradictions or the immoral moral laws supposedly dictated from on high to a desert tribal leader that we have no historical or archaeological evidence for, it seems almost certain that the bible was written by men addressing the issues and the culture of their own day.

So what did I find?

Well, I found out that there is a theme of social justice running from the prophets through the New Testament. I found a debate about the place of outsiders and whether or not God or a God could love them. He does. I found some good moral instruction.

And I found that it’s time for me to leave Evangelical Christianity behind. The current state of its politics make it easier, as does the views of most Evangelicals towards progressives in general and liberal Christians in particular.

At the end of the journey, I have more questions than answers, more doubt than faith, more ignorance than knowledge. I am an agnostic Christian who isn’t sure a God exists, but likes the idea of a benevolent one and a future hope and thinks that social justice is worth fighting for.

So call it what you will, judge me according to your standards, I have to be true to my own heart and mind. And if there is a loving God worthy of worship, I’m sure He (or She) will understand.

Thank you for reading along with me.

When I have time, I will compile all of my posts, edit them, and produce them in  book form. If you’re interested in that, stay tuned, I will announce when it’s ready.

But, for now, it’s time to move on to the next Abrahamic religion.

The TL:DR Bible: Revelation 17-22


 Chapter 17:

One of the angels that dumped out his bowl of wrath tells John to come and see the judgment of the great whore.

There’s a woman riding a seven headed, ten horned scarlet beast with blasphemous names on it. She’s wearing designer clothes and jewelry and carrying a gold cup full of abominations. She has a face tattoo of her name, Babylon the great, mother of whores and abominations. You wonder how that fit on her forehead.

And she’s drunk on Christian blood because subtlety is for losers.

The angel says the beast is going to rise out of the abyss and go to destruction. The seven heads of the beast are seven mountains and if you’ve heard Rome called the city of seven hills, you know that’s what he’s talking about. John proclaims that they are also seven kings, five are dead, one is, and one is to come. Which doesn’t make sense because by the time this was written, Rome had had 15 or 16 emperors who had died, not five. But the beast is the eighth king, but one of the seven and geez, John, get an abacus, would you? And then the ten horns are ten new kings that don’t have a kingdom yet, but when they do, they’ll be vice-king under the beast.

Then they fight against eldritch abomination Jesus and he defeats them.

And everyone who used to love the beast will hate her and burn her with fire and devour her body.

 

Chapter 18:

Rome falls and becomes desolate and abandoned in a day, a place of wild animals and birds because of their economic and moral exploitation. Christians are warned to abandon Rome or else they will get caught up in God’s karmic retribution.

And now everyone is sad about Rome falling because of the good and economic losses they’ve incurred.

And a strong angel picks up a rock and chucks it into the sea and says, “That’s Babylon. They sucked.”

 

Chapter 19:

Then everyone in heaven looks at God and says, “It was a good thing you overthrew Rome and killed all of her inhabitants… a very good thing.”

Then Jesus finally makes an honest woman out of the church after being engaged for like 2,000+ years and they have a very tasteful reception with an open bar and passable chicken cordon bleu with a vegetable lasagna option for Daniel and his vegetarian friends.

Then I guess after the honeymoon to Disney World, Jesus gets pissed and rides a horse over to face the beasts and the dragon and their armies. He’s got laser eyes, bloody robes, a thigh tattoo of his special name, and a sword mouth again.

An angel calls all of the carrion birds to come and eat because this isn’t Jesus “Turn the other cheek” Christ, this is Jesus “When you absolutely positively have to kill every mother****er in the room, accept no substitutes” Christ.

And he does. He kills everyone. Except the beasts. Those guys he flings into a Lake of Fire alive.

 

Chapter 20:

An angel puts the devil into prison for a thousand years, then Angry Vengeance Jesus holds a tribunal over the dead Christian martyrs and they get to join him and rule over the nations.

Then the devil is granted parole… which… come on, it’s the friggin’ devil! You know he’s going to reoffend. But the devil gets out and everyone is angry at living under Jesus’ rule, so they rebel and God kills them all and throws the devil into the Lake of Fire too. And he destroys the Earth and the universe for good measure.

Then God holds court and judges all of the unbeliever dead and throws them all into the Lake of Fire to be tortured forever and ever without respite, hope, mercy, or compassion, and God is the good guy in this story…

 

Chapter 21:

God makes a new universe and a new Earth. He makes a new Jerusalem. God will live with men forever and ever. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes. (So I guess you forget at some point that God is torturing Uncle Sal in the lake of fire then? Or you nod, smile, and say, “It’s a good thing you done that God, a very good thing.”)

God says, “I’ve made everything new. I’m the first and the last. Anyone who wants to drink the waters of eternal life can. But if you’re a coward, an unbeliever, an abomination, a murderer, immoral, a wizard, a liar, or an idolater, (he remains silent on the tokers, the smokers, and the midnight jokers) you’re shit out of luck and I will be torturing you with fire forever. Yes, I am somehow still considered the GOOD guy in this story.”

And then John sees the new Jerusalem. It’s a cube with each side being a length of 1,500 miles. And it’s gilded over in precious stones and metals like a Trump tower. The doors are never closed and everyone comes and goes as they please and God makes it his home.

But yeah… outside there are still billions of people that God is torturing with fire and they can’t come inside.

 

Chapter 22:

Then John sees the river of life coming from the throne of God and Jesus Christ. God’s planted some trees of Life next to the river and it bears different fruit every month and its leaves can heal. Evil and natural evils will no longer exist and you can go and see Jesus anytime you like.

“I’ll be back soon. I just need to go to the liquor store and get a pack of smokes,” Jesus says.

John tries to worship the angel who’s been guiding him, but the angel says, “Yeah, don’t do that. Jealous God and all, remember? Also, people don’t change and the end is near.”

Jesus says, “I’m coming back quickly and I’ll repay everyone according to their deeds. Make sure you’re on the right side of heaven’s gate, because seriously, yes, I’m going to torture everyone on the outside. I am the GOOD guy of this story.”

And everyone says, “Yes, Lord, return quickly.”

Also, if you add words to this book, God will smite you with all of the plagues of this book and if you take words away from this book, like say… by writing a blog where you summarize the bible… God is… going to take away your name from the book of life and torture you with fire forever. Well…shit… I guess I should have read the end of this bible thing first.

But grace to everyone. Amen.

And they all lived happily ever after, except for the people that God spent eternity torturing with fire. Amen.

The TL:DR Bible: Revelation 13-16


 Chapter 13:

John sees a leopard with bear feet and seven lion heads with ten horns crawl out of the sea. And its heads have blasphemous names written on them The devil gives it power and authority.

One of the heads is wounded, but is healed. So the entire Earth decides to give up all of their deeply held religious beliefs and worship the leopard, lion, bear thing and the Christian devil because….?

The beast goes around saying blasphemy a lot for three and a half years. And he decides to kill the Christians.

Everyone who isn’t predestined for heaven worships him, which doesn’t create moral or ethical questions because…?

What goes around comes around though.

A second beast hops out of the sea with ram’s horns and a dragon voice. Fus Ro Dah!

He makes everyone worship the first beast and knows the fire breath shout too. He convinces the world to make a giant idol of the first beast and then he animates it so it can kill anyone who doesn’t worship the first beast.

And he makes everyone get a mark on their right hand or forehead if they want to participate in economic activity. And the mark is 666 or 616 depending on your translation.

 

Chapter 14:

Eldritch abomination Jesus stands on Mount Zion. And he’s got the 144,000 Jews with him. All dudes, of course. And all virgins because they haven’t ‘defiled’ themselves with women. Yeah, women are icky. Sex, which God supposedly created, is also apparently icky.  They’ve all got matching Yahweh tattoos on their foreheads and they sing a new song that only they can know.

Then an angel flies around the globe telling everyone the gospel story in their own language, followed by an angel who announces that Babylon the Great has fallen. Dude, we know… we read about it back in Daniel. I know, I know, it’s probably symbolic, but I was told to read the bible literally, so that’s what I’m doing.

And a third angel flies after them saying, “If you take the mark of the beast, you’re boned and God will set you on fire forever.”

Then the son of man is standing around with a sickle and angels fly out with sickles and another angel tells them all to start reaping. So they do, and they fill the wine press of God’s wrath with grapes and mash it all down, so blood flows from the wine press six feet high in a 200 mile diameter. I hope Jesus invested in some Oxyclean.

 

Chapter 15:

Meanwhile, everyone else is in heaven singing the song of Moses to God, then seven angels appear and get seven bowls full of blood wrath from one of the good living beasts and the Temple of God is full of smoke and burning and no one gets in until the angels are done pouring out their bowls.

 

Chapter 16:

The first angel pours out his bowl and everyone who took the mark of the bad beast gets boils all over their bodies.

Angel 2 dumps his bowl and everything in the sea that was still alive dies.

Angel three dumps his bowl into the rivers and they all turn to blood. And the angel of the waters sings, “Righteous are you, O God. Those people shed the blood of saints and now they have only blood to drink. They deserve this.”

Angel four dumps his bowl into the sun and it heats up making everyone on Earth miserable, so they curse God’s name because that makes sense…

Angel five dumps his bowl and the entire kingdom of the beast is plunged into darkness. And everyone is miserable and biting their tongues and cursing God because again… this makes sense if you’ve never met a human being…

Angel six dumps his bowl on the Euphrates and it dries up, so the kings of the East can march their footmen across it because it’s not like military engineering has advanced since the 2nd century CE.

The dragon, the beast, and the second evil beast open their mouths and frog spirits hop out and convince everyone to go to war at Armageddon.

And angel seven dumps out his bowl and a voice says, “It is done” and the entire Earth shakes, the great city breaks into three parts, Babylon is judged again, the islands and mountains collapse for a second time and 100 lbs. hailstones fall from the sky and kill lots of people. And everyone curses God again for sending hail.

The TL:DR Bible: Revelation 10-12


Chapter 10:

Now a mighty angel descends to Earth wearing a cloud and donning a rainbow hat and carrying a little scroll in his hand… and he’s on fire. He puts on foot on Earth and one foot in the ocean and yells. And then seven thunderclaps answer him, but a voice tells John not to write down what they said.

The angel says, “No more delays, God’s finally going to do the apocalypse.”

Then a voice from heaven tells John, “Go eat the scroll. It’ll taste sweet but it’ll make you spew.”

So John goes up to the fire angel and says, “Hey, buddy, you going to finish that scroll?”

“No, man… here you go.”

John eats it and it tastes sweet, but makes him spew.

“You’ve got to prophesy more about stuff.”

 

Chapter 11:

“Here, John, take this measuring stick and go measure the dimensions of the Temple of God, but don’t worry about the outer court because it’s been given to the icky Gentiles with their Gentile cooties and they’re going to defile it for 42 months. But I’m sending my two witnesses to  prophesy for 1,260 day, clothed in sackcloth. And… wait for it… they’re fire-breathing JEWS! FIRE-BREATHING JEWS! THEY BREATHE FIRE! Dragonborn Jews, people.”

They’ve also learned the Clear Skies shout so they can prevent rain. And they’ve picked up a transmute water to blood spell somewhere. And they can cast plagues for area of effect damage.

But when they’re done prophesying, the Beast that comes from the Abyss will kill them. Their bodies will lie in public for three and a half days and everyone will see them and party because those guys were spam casting plague everywhere and pulling agro and ruining raids.

But then God raises them from the dead, everyone’s terrified, and God invites them up to heaven. Then an earthquake strikes and kills seven thousand people in Jerusalem and destroys a tenth of the city.

The seventh angel sounds his trumpet and… it’s kind of a letdown. Sure there are flashes of lightning and thunder and earthquakes and hail storms… but it mostly just starts a worship service again.

 

Chapter 12:

Then John sees a woman wearing a shiny robe standing on the moon with a crown of 12 stars (Which all already fell to the Earth, John, get your apocalypse straight, would you?) She was preggo and in labor and a giant red dragon appears out of heaven with seven heads and ten horns wearing seven crowns. Its tail sweeps a third of the stars out of heaven and throws them to the Earth (THEY’VE ALREADY CRASHED INTO THE EARTH, JOHN!) The dragon’s got its head right in the woman’s hoo-hah ready to eat her baby, but she delivers a son who is going to rule over everything and darts into the wilderness where God is going to let her crash at his special pad for 1,260 days.

The dragon, which is the devil, gets into a war with Michael and the angels, but loses and is cast down to Earth with them. I guess God is no longer interested in his quarterly reviews.

And a voice in heaven says, “Hooray, we were getting tired of that asshole accusing Christians constantly, but they overcame him with the blood of the Lamb and their testimony. But you people on Earth are fuuuuuuucked.”

“Fine, I guess I’ll just try to kill the woman and her son again.”

“Yeah, she sprouted eagle wings and flew away.”

“Ugh, God…. Fine, then I’ll vomit a tsunami after her.”

“The Earth split open and swallowed your tsunami vomit.”

“ARRRRRRRRRGH…. It’s not fair… why don’t I get to kill anything?”

“Hey, big guy, you know what… I Know what would make you feel better.”

“Ice cream?”

“No, silly, how about we go kill some Christians!”

“Well, I do enjoy a good Christian killing… okay.”

The TL:DR Bible: Revelation 7-9


Chapter 7:

Four angels go the four corners of the Earth, (that’s right, the Earth is flat and a square) and they physically restrain the wind from blowing. Another angel arrives bearing the seal of God. He says, “Hey, guys, don’t hurt anything until I seal the servants of God.

So the angel seals up 144,000 Jews from every tribe except Dan because he never chipping in for the pizza, so screw him.

Then John sees a vast number of people in white robes worshipping seven eyed, seven horned, bleeding Jesus, and the angels join in, the elders join in, and the four living creatures join in.

One of the elders asks John, “Where’d these people come from?”

“I don’t understand any of this.”

“These guys are Christians that came out of the great tribulation and stand before God to serve him 24/7. (heaven sounds really boring.) They won’t hunger or thirst or feel pain ever again.”

 

Chapter 8:

Eldritch Abomination Jesus opens the seventh seal and there is silence in heaven for half an hour. Are we sure God can handle 30 minutes without everyone telling him how great He is?

Then seven angels grab their trombones and another angel offers up the burning prayers of the saints before God. Then the angel fills his burning censer with fire from God’s altar and throws it at the Earth and it causes all sorts of natural disasters.

The first angel blows his horn and starts a great fire that destroys and burns one third of the land mass of the Earth along with a third of the trees and all of the green grass.

The second angel blows his horn and a giant fire mountain crashes into the sea and a third of the sea becomes blood, a third of the sea critters die, and all of the ships sink.

The third angel blows his horn and a giant star named Wormwood which somehow avoided the previous collision of all the stars with Earth, joins the party, falls to Earth and pollutes a third of the fresh water and poisons a lot of people to death.

The Fourth angel blows his horn and a third of the sun and moon disappear, along with a  third of the stars which you’ve already said ALL fell to the Earth.

Then an eagle shows up for some reason and says, “You think the first four trumpets sucked, just wait for the last three!”

 

Chapter 9:

The fifth angel blows his horn and… a fallen star carrying a key to the Abyss falls to the Earth (THERE ARE NO MORE STARS!) He opens up the Abyss and armored locust scorpion lion women come flying out.

“Okay, armored locust scorpion lion women, you can’t destroy the Earth or kill anyone, you can only torture humanity, and keep your hands off of the Christians and the 144,000 Jews.”

So they go out and torture people for five months and no one can die for the entire five months. Think of how cartoony that would be.

And the locust scorpion lion women with long hair have a king named Abaddon.

The six angel blows his horn and a voice commands that the four angels abound at the river Euphrates be released to go kill a third of humanity. So they are set free. And a 200,000,000 man army shows up with red, blue, and yellow armor. The horses they ride have lion heads that breath fire, smoke, and sulfur and venomous snakes for tails.

And they kill a third of humanity.

But everyone is like, “Yeah, we still don’t believe in Jesus, we’re going to keep worshipping our demons and our idols of gold, silver, and wood. Also, we’re not giving up our Harry Potter magic!”

This book is so stupid.

The TL:DR Bible: Revelation 1-3


Chapter 1:

The revelation of Jesus Christ given by an angel to me, John. Happy is the person who reads and listens to this book because Jesus will be back any day now. Yep… any day now…

To the seven churches, grace and peace to you from God and Jesus Christ who will be returning soon. Again… just went out for a pack of smokes. He’ll be back.

“I am the A and the Z,” says the Lord. “I am, I was, I will be, the All-powerful. And don’t ask me to make any rocks that I can’t lift, because it’s not funny anymore.”

I was exiled to the island of Patmos when I was in the Spirit one Sunday. (Spirit is what I call the local mushrooms.) And I heard a loud voice say, “Write what you see and send it to Ephesus, Smyrna, Pergamum, Thyatira, Sardis, Philadelphia (“Yo, Adrian!”), and Laodicea.”

Then I turned to look at the voice speaking to me. There were seven golden lamps on golden lampstands, and in the middle of those stood a man with a robe that went down to his feet. He wore a gold sash, his hair and beard were white, his eyes were glowing orange like fire, his feet were glowing bronze and his voice sounded like crashing waves on a beach. He held seven stars in his right hand and had a sword coming out of his mouth. Yes, it’s Sword-Mouth Jesus now with spring-loaded action. Available at Toys-R-Us.

I fell down and he touched me and said, “Fear not. I am the first and the last, the living one. I was dead, but I got better. I have the keys of death and Hades. Write what you see: the things that were, are, and will be. The seven stars are the angels of the seven churches which are the lampstands.”

 

Chapter 2:

To Ephesus, write:

“Hi, it’s Jesus. I’m aware of your good works. You hate the wicked and give out good theology tests to prospective prophets, but you guys just don’t love me like you used to anymore. So start loving me more or else I’ll shut down your church. If you endure, you can have a snack from the tree of Life.”

 

To Smyrna write:

Hey, it’s Jesus, guys.

I know you’re having a hard time being poor and hated by those devil Jews, but don’t fear what you’re going to suffer. Things are going to suck for ten days and you may end up dead or in prison, but if you endure, you can earn a crown of life and avoid my torturing you for all eternity.

 

Dear Pergamum:

I’ve got a sword coming out of my mouth.

Look, I know you guys live in Satan’s living room and you guys have been super faithful even when they were killing you, but I’m not happy about your guys eating meat offered to idols. (“Paul said it was sort of okay.” “Well, if Paul said to jump off a bridge, would you?”) You guys are also still sort of banging the temple prostitutes. Also, you guys are embracing the teachings of the Nicolaitans. So cut that out or I’ll use my sword mouth on you.

 

Dear Thyatira:

I’ve got glowy eyes and hot bronze feet.

You guys are doing well, but you’re tolerating Jezebel. She’s teaching me to have unauthorized sex and eat meat sacrificed to idols.

“But Paul-“

“I don’t care what Paul says. Does Paul have glowy eyes and burning bronze feet?”

“No.”

“Alright then… Tell Jezebel I’m going to kill her, her kids, and her followers with disease and the rest of you keep being Christians until I arrive and I’ll make you kings and princes over the nations. I’ll also give you the morning star. Might be kind of hard to hold a star in your right hand, but I’ll give it to you.”

 

Chapter 3:

Dear Sardis:

You guys are dead. So pretty much do the opposite of what you’ve been doing. I mean, there are a few of you that are doing okay. Those guys will be dressed in white robes and will get into heaven.

 

Dear Philadelphia:

I open and shut doors.

I’m opening a door for you guys. You guys have held fast despite the opposition of the devil Jews. So I’m going to make them bow and grovel at your feet so you know I love you.

Because you’ve been faithful, I will keep you from the hour of testing coming upon the entire world. I’m coming back from the liquor store quickly guys, so Keep the faith. If you do, I’ll make you a pillar in my temple and write God’s name on you and give you a sweet Jerusalem Tattoo.

 

Dear Laodicea:

You guys make me spew. You think you’re rich, but your wretched, poor, miserable, blind, and naked, so repent and come to me for true riches and healing. I stand at the door and knock, if you guys answer, I’ll come in and eat with you. If you endure, I will let you sit next to me in heaven.

The TL:DR Bible: 2 John, 3 John, and Jude


2 John:

“John” to a Lady and her kids (possibly a church), I love you guys, all of you who abide in the truth. Grace and peace.

Love one another. Walk in His commandments.

Look out for those other Jesus people who don’t believe He came in the flesh. They’re liars and antichrists. Keep your faith and abide in my teachings. Don’t receive any of those other Jesus people into your home.

I’ll talk more when I come and see you.

 

3 John

“John” to Gaius, I love you, man.

I pray you prosper in everything. I was happy to hear good news of you that you are keeping the faith.

You show hospitality to the brothers and they speak well of you. It speaks of your good character that you supported them.

I’ve written previously, but that jerk Diotrephes didn’t listen to me. When I come, I’ll put him in his place.

Do what is good. He who does good is from God. Demetrius has a good reputation, we vouch for him, and you know you can trust us.

I’d like to talk more, but I’ll save it for when I visit you.

Peace out.

 

Jude:

“Jude” to the church. Mercy and peace and love to you.

I wanted to write about our common salvation, but there’s lots of other denominations out there that are wrong, so I wanted to tell you to look out for them.

They’ve snuck into our churches, evil people condemned  who want to use the grace of God as license to sin.

So remember how God after saving the Israelites from Egypt (didn’t happen), killed the unbelievers? And angels who left heaven to get busy with women got cast into the Abyss? And how he obliterated Sodom and Gomorrah for being gay… even though the prophets said otherwise? Those are just examples of God’s eternal punishment with fire.

These other Jesus people dream… yeah… really evil there… also, they have unauthorized sex, they don’t accept our authority… that’s… inhuman! And they spurn angels!  Angel spurners! ANGEL SPURNERS! Even Michael didn’t spurn Satan when the devil wanted Moses’ body, but he called on God to rebuke him.

Yeah… they’re super evil. They even try to have dinner with you like they belong or something. SUPER EVIL!

Enoch prophesied of them that God would kill them.

But you guys keep the faith, pray in the Spirit, and keep yourself in the love of God. Jesus is coming any day now. Yep… any… day… now…

Have mercy on the doubters, save others, and have mercy with fear for others, and don’t touch the sin clothes! Sin CLOTHES! Don’t touch! No touchy touchy!

The TL:DR Bible: 1 John


Chapter 1:

The word of Life was from the beginning. Some of us have heard him and seen him, and we testify to you eternal life so that you may have fellowship with us, God, and Jesus Christ. We w

God is light and there is no darkness in him. If we walk in darkness, we are not of God. If we walk in the light, we have communion with each other, and Jesus Christ saves us from our sin.

If we confess our sins, God is faithful and just to forgive us, but if we lie and say we have not sinned, we are not of God.

 

Chapter 2:

I write to you so that you will not sin, but if you do, we have an intercessor with God to plead our case.

If we keep his commandments, we are of God. If we do not, we are not really Christians. By this we demonstrate our knowledge of God, that we act like Jesus.

Love one another. This isn’t new. The coming of the Lord is soon. You cannot love God and hate your fellow man. We show our love of God by our love of our neighbors.

Kids, your sins have been forgiven. Elders, you have known God. Young men, you have overcome evil. Children, you know the Father. Elders, you know Christ Jesus, young men, you are strong, the word dwells in you, and you have overcome evil.

If you love the world, you are not of God. (John 3:16 says otherwise.) The world is just full of sin and dying, but if you act like God wants, you’ll live forever.

We’re living in the end days. It’s anywhere from 90-120 CE! Jesus could be back any day now! Also, the antichrist is coming… okay, okay, we’ve had a lot of antichrists lately… because they’re filthy apostates who weren’t really true Christians, otherwise, they’d have listened to us. But you guys are true Christians. The antichrists are whoever denies God and Jesus.

God has promised us eternal life.

I’m trying to warn you about those other lying Jesus people. You don’t need anyone to teach you. You have the Holy Spirit. So abide in Him, so when Christ appears, you won’t be ashamed.

 

Chapter 3:

God has loved us greatly, so since we are his children, love one another. Do not practice sin. He came to take away our sins. If you abide in sin, you aren’t a Christian. You’re of the devil. And Jesus came to destroy the works of the devil. The devil’s kids sin, God’s kids don’t. (Guess we’re all screwed then, “John”.)

Remember Cain and Abel? Don’t be like Cain. Love your brothers.

Look, we’re getting persecuted, so don’t be surprised when it happens to you. They hate us because of Jesus in us. Not because we’re acting like assholes or because 81% of us voted for… sigh… okay… okay… not going to go there… be charitable… be charitable… I’m sure they had good… not evil reasons for it… even though you can’t see them… sigh… moving on…

Love one another. If you hate your brother, you’re a murderer. And by love, I mean, actions, not feelings. You can’t see someone in need and walk past them and claim to love them if you have the means to help them.

Love one another. If you do this, then Christ and the Spirit abide in you.

 

Chapter 4:

Don’t believe everything you hear. Don’t believe everything you read on the internet and share it on Facebook, people. Seriously… stop doing that shit… test all things. Everyone who confesses Jesus is God Incarnate is of God. If they don’t, then they’re not of God.

We’re from God, so if you listen to us, then you’re hearing from God and you’re in God too. If you don’t listen to us, then you’re not really of God. How do you know we’re from God? Go f*** yourself is how.

God is love. His kids will demonstrate love. Are you demonstrating love? God’s love involved an act of selfless sacrifice. Do ours? Can people see God because of how we love them?

If you confess Jesus as God, God abides in you. God is love and if you love, you abide in Him. If you love, you will have confidence when the day of judgment comes. You cannot love God and hate your fellow man.

 

Chapter 5:

By this we know we love God, when we keep his commandments. His commandments are not burdensome. We will overcome this world. Believe what God has said and the testimony of the apostles.

I write to you so you will believe in the Son of God and have eternal life. If we ask anything according to His will, He hears us and will give it to us. (Isn’t that sort of like random chance then? If I pray for something and it doesn’t happen, then it’s not God’s will, but if it does happen then it is God’s will? How do we know God is the prime mover and that it wasn’t going to happen anyway?)

If you see someone committing a sin not leading to death, ask God and He will give him life. There is a sin leading to death, but I’m not going to tell you what it is and you shouldn’t ask God to heal someone doing it.

If you’re born of God, you don’t sin. (Ha ha… we’re all screwed.) We’re the good ones, everyone else in the world sucks and is evil.

Don’t worship idols, kids.

The TL:DR Bible: 2 Peter


Chapter 1:

“Peter”,

To all of the Christians out there: grace and peace to you as you learn more about God and Jesus Christ. God has granted to us everything we need pertaining to life and godliness. He’s promised that we will become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped the world’s corruption. (Flips through the history of the Church: Yeah… not so much…)

Be diligent to have moral excellence, knowledge, self-control, patience, piety, kindness, and love. If you’re practicing these things, you’ve got the Christian thing down. That’s why I’m always harping on you about this stuff, because it’s important.

Look, we didn’t just make this whole religion up, we totally saw Jesus. I mean… not me, I’m a pseudonymous author using an apostle’s name, but they totally saw Jesus and heard God say He was His Son.

And men didn’t make up the bible, God wrote it through them, so there’s only one interpretation, which is why Christians never disagree about what the bible is saying. Ever. Never ever.

 

Chapter 2:

Because real true Christians won’t disagree with me. If they do, they’re evil false prophets who just want to sin and have sex and make money. Because no one in the real church ever has issues with sex and money.

But they’ll get theirs. God cast the angels from Genesis 6 who got freaky with human women into a bottomless pit of torture. And God killed the entire world once except for 8 people (no, not really) because… makeup and swords. And God killed Sodom and Gomorrah for sex (not really) but he rescued righteous Lot. The same Lot that offered up his daughters to a rape mob, then got drunk and f***ed them. Allegedly. He sure was righteous though, right?

God knows how to save the sheep from the horrible plagues he pours out on the goats.

These men are proud, they curse angels, angels who don’t accuse them before the Lord. These men are animals to be captured and killed. (And they’ll know we are Christians by our love, by our love…)  They love to party during the day. They are stains and blemishes upon you, adulterers that always sin, greedy, they have abandoned listening to me, so they’re like Balaam whom God rebuked with a donkey.

They speak empty words that promise freedom, but bring slavery. God has reserved a dark judgment for them. Apostates are the worst. They’ll receive a worse hell than mere pagans and sinners.

 

Chapter 3:

This is the second letter I’ve written to you all to remind you of stuff.

In the last days, people will wonder where the heck Jesus was. He said he was going out for a pack of smokes and he never came back. Well, guys, one day with the Lord is like a thousand years and a thousand years like one day, so there. Yeah. Jesus has only been gone for two days. And that’s still pretty soon. So there.

He’s just probably stopped at the regular store too to pick up some toilet paper or dog food. He’ll be back. He just wants everyone to be saved… even though he could declare everyone to be saved…

But he’ll show up unexpectedly and burn everything around us with fire.

Since it’ll all burn anyway, you guys should be living like Christians looking towards a new heaven and new earth. You want to be found by Jesus holy and blameless. Paul also wrote to you of this stuff, even though those other Jesus people keep interpreting his stuff in ways I do not approve of, like they do with the rest of the scriptures. Yep. Paul’s letters are now scriptures. Quite a promotion. Paul’s grocery lists are now apocrypha. Yea, verily, thou shalt pick up one dozen eggs, a gallon of milk, two containers of hummus, and some pita bread. In nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti. Amen.

But I trust you guys to get it. Grace be with you always. “Peter”

The TL:DR Bible: 1 Peter


Chapter 1:

“Peter” to the Jewish exiles throughout the Roman Empire. Grace and Peace to you.

Blessed is God who caused us to be born again in Jesus Christ through his mercy and the resurrection. You have an eternal inheritance in heaven. You are protected by God’s power through faith for the salvation to be revealed at the coming of Jesus. Take heart, despite the hardships you face. You glorify Jesus Christ in your patient sufferings, loving him who you do not see.

Your salvation, the prophets spoke of, but could not discern when he would appear, but God told them they were speaking to you, not themselves.

So, act like Christians, not like you used to act. Be holy because he is holy.

Live in fear on this earth, knowing that God killed Himself to save you.

Love one another from your heart. Your lives here are short, but you will live together forever.

 

Chapter 2:

Seriously, stop acting like assholes and long for the Bible instead. Because it’s impossible to be an asshole and read the bible, right?

So no one likes us, but God likes us, so offer up spiritual sacrifices to God, like money and singing and stuff… you guys are super special because God chose you to save from the things He was going to do to you if He didn’t choose you.

So seriously, don’t be assholes anymore. Have a good reputation with the outsiders, so they’ll know you were right when God shows up to start smiting them.

Obey your government. You are not a sovereign citizen. Obey the king. Act as free men and serve God. Honor everyone, love one another, fear God, respect the King.

Slaves, be submissive to your owners and show them respect. Even if they’re assholes who abuse you. That makes God happy when you’re nice and take a beating you didn’t deserve. But if you did deserve it, and get beaten, then God doesn’t give a crap. Yep. Slavery. Right here in the New Testament. Not just Paul.

Remember how Jesus took a beating for us? And you’re going to complain about a beating from your owner?

 

Chapter 3:

Likewise, women, you be submissive to your husbands, so you can win the Non-Christians over. Be chaste and respectful. You CAN change him, gals. It’s nice to dress up and put on some makeup, but you also need to make over your heart by being quiet and gentle, but mostly quiet. I don’t want to watch the big game on Sunday with you yapping at me to take out the trash the whole time. In fact, call your hubby, “Lord,” like Sarah did to Abraham. And if he comes up with a plan to make a lot of money by pimping you out to another man, you go along with it. Wait… wut?

Husbands, be understanding to the little woman, she’s not human, right? Show her honor so God will listen to your prayers.

To sum up, get along with each other, be nice, humble, and don’t repay evil for evil. Give a blessing instead.

Seriously, though, don’t be assholes, but do be super happy when bad things happen to you because Jesus. Jesus suffered for you, then he went to the Big House and preached to the spirits trapped there.

 

Chapter 4:

Since Jesus suffered for you, and you suffer, realize that when you suffer, you cease from sin, so you can be super religious now. I mean, you guys should be over partying, orgies, sex, booze, and drugs. You had lots of time in your youth to do all that. Now it’s time to buckle down and Jesus better. Your friends won’t understand, but that’s okay, God’s going to totally judge them.

The end is near. The world is ending soon. How long are we going to give this prophesy before it’s declared invalid? I mean, yes the world is ending soon cosmologically… hell, I guess be more Christian. ‘

Seriously, guys, I know you’re all suffering right now, but Jesus. Okay? He notices and will totally reward you for taking a beating. Unless you’re taking a beating for a reason, then who cares?

 

Chapter 5:

Pastors, take care of the sheep. Jesus will be happy if you do. Sheep? Be respectful of your pastors or God will oppose you whippersnappers.

Be humble so you can be exalted by God. Let Jesus be your psychologist. (No, no… do not let Jesus be your psychologist. Go see a physical doctor with a degree in psychiatry and always take your medication.)

Watch out for the devil. He’s trying to kill you. Resist him knowing that life is pretty crappy for every other 2nd century Christian right now. And Jesus… remember Jesus, he’s totally going to reward you for being faithful and showing up every week to tithe.

Everyone here says, “Hi.”