One of the angels that dumped out his bowl of wrath tells John to come and see the judgment of the great whore.
There’s a woman riding a seven headed, ten horned scarlet beast with blasphemous names on it. She’s wearing designer clothes and jewelry and carrying a gold cup full of abominations. She has a face tattoo of her name, Babylon the great, mother of whores and abominations. You wonder how that fit on her forehead.
And she’s drunk on Christian blood because subtlety is for losers.
The angel says the beast is going to rise out of the abyss and go to destruction. The seven heads of the beast are seven mountains and if you’ve heard Rome called the city of seven hills, you know that’s what he’s talking about. John proclaims that they are also seven kings, five are dead, one is, and one is to come. Which doesn’t make sense because by the time this was written, Rome had had 15 or 16 emperors who had died, not five. But the beast is the eighth king, but one of the seven and geez, John, get an abacus, would you? And then the ten horns are ten new kings that don’t have a kingdom yet, but when they do, they’ll be vice-king under the beast.
Then they fight against eldritch abomination Jesus and he defeats them.
And everyone who used to love the beast will hate her and burn her with fire and devour her body.
Rome falls and becomes desolate and abandoned in a day, a place of wild animals and birds because of their economic and moral exploitation. Christians are warned to abandon Rome or else they will get caught up in God’s karmic retribution.
And now everyone is sad about Rome falling because of the good and economic losses they’ve incurred.
And a strong angel picks up a rock and chucks it into the sea and says, “That’s Babylon. They sucked.”
Then everyone in heaven looks at God and says, “It was a good thing you overthrew Rome and killed all of her inhabitants… a very good thing.”
Then Jesus finally makes an honest woman out of the church after being engaged for like 2,000+ years and they have a very tasteful reception with an open bar and passable chicken cordon bleu with a vegetable lasagna option for Daniel and his vegetarian friends.
Then I guess after the honeymoon to Disney World, Jesus gets pissed and rides a horse over to face the beasts and the dragon and their armies. He’s got laser eyes, bloody robes, a thigh tattoo of his special name, and a sword mouth again.
An angel calls all of the carrion birds to come and eat because this isn’t Jesus “Turn the other cheek” Christ, this is Jesus “When you absolutely positively have to kill every mother****er in the room, accept no substitutes” Christ.
And he does. He kills everyone. Except the beasts. Those guys he flings into a Lake of Fire alive.
An angel puts the devil into prison for a thousand years, then Angry Vengeance Jesus holds a tribunal over the dead Christian martyrs and they get to join him and rule over the nations.
Then the devil is granted parole… which… come on, it’s the friggin’ devil! You know he’s going to reoffend. But the devil gets out and everyone is angry at living under Jesus’ rule, so they rebel and God kills them all and throws the devil into the Lake of Fire too. And he destroys the Earth and the universe for good measure.
Then God holds court and judges all of the unbeliever dead and throws them all into the Lake of Fire to be tortured forever and ever without respite, hope, mercy, or compassion, and God is the good guy in this story…
God makes a new universe and a new Earth. He makes a new Jerusalem. God will live with men forever and ever. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes. (So I guess you forget at some point that God is torturing Uncle Sal in the lake of fire then? Or you nod, smile, and say, “It’s a good thing you done that God, a very good thing.”)
God says, “I’ve made everything new. I’m the first and the last. Anyone who wants to drink the waters of eternal life can. But if you’re a coward, an unbeliever, an abomination, a murderer, immoral, a wizard, a liar, or an idolater, (he remains silent on the tokers, the smokers, and the midnight jokers) you’re shit out of luck and I will be torturing you with fire forever. Yes, I am somehow still considered the GOOD guy in this story.”
And then John sees the new Jerusalem. It’s a cube with each side being a length of 1,500 miles. And it’s gilded over in precious stones and metals like a Trump tower. The doors are never closed and everyone comes and goes as they please and God makes it his home.
But yeah… outside there are still billions of people that God is torturing with fire and they can’t come inside.
Then John sees the river of life coming from the throne of God and Jesus Christ. God’s planted some trees of Life next to the river and it bears different fruit every month and its leaves can heal. Evil and natural evils will no longer exist and you can go and see Jesus anytime you like.
“I’ll be back soon. I just need to go to the liquor store and get a pack of smokes,” Jesus says.
John tries to worship the angel who’s been guiding him, but the angel says, “Yeah, don’t do that. Jealous God and all, remember? Also, people don’t change and the end is near.”
Jesus says, “I’m coming back quickly and I’ll repay everyone according to their deeds. Make sure you’re on the right side of heaven’s gate, because seriously, yes, I’m going to torture everyone on the outside. I am the GOOD guy of this story.”
And everyone says, “Yes, Lord, return quickly.”
Also, if you add words to this book, God will smite you with all of the plagues of this book and if you take words away from this book, like say… by writing a blog where you summarize the bible… God is… going to take away your name from the book of life and torture you with fire forever. Well…shit… I guess I should have read the end of this bible thing first.
But grace to everyone. Amen.
And they all lived happily ever after, except for the people that God spent eternity torturing with fire. Amen.