Fast Food Review: Taco Bell Smothered Burrito


Taco Bell is to your body what a wild goat is to a formal dinner party. It doesn’t belong there and chances are it’s going to wreck the place and head butt you in the gut on its way out. And I’m not talking a cute little baby goat, I’m talking Goatzilla.

S'up?

S’up?

So I generally treat Taco Bell like I treat penance. It’s something I do during bouts of particular self-loathing usually brought about by having a bit too much alcohol and/or depression.

So as I was driving by the other night that they had a big poster for this:

smothered_burrito

And figured what the hell, I’ve probably done something horribly wrong this week. Time to confess my sins and take what’s coming to me.

I ordered the shredded chicken one (it also comes in ground beef and steak varieties), so what’s coming to me happened to be a large burrito stuffed with shredded chicken, what they call ‘Latin rice’, beans, and a creamy chipotle sauce rolled up in a tortilla and covered with enchilada sauce, “loads of melted cheeses”, and reduced-fat sour cream. Reduced fat sour cream.

I’m eating at Taco Bell, I’m ordering death on a plate covered in cheese and a salt sauce.  I think we’re a little bit beyond ‘reduced-fat’ anything doing much good for my body. (Checks nutrition facts) Let’s see: 650 calories, 10 g of Saturated fat, 28 g of fat, 70 mg of cholesterol, 2230 mg of sodium and 67 g of carbs.

As a comparison, the US government recommends that you only eat 2300 mg of sodium in an entire day. Taco Bell has handily packaged a product that will get that to you in one sitting. Eat this and you don’t have to eat salt again until tomorrow. It’s like a human salt lick.

And yes, it does taste salty. The chicken is salty, the enchilada sauce is salty, the beans are salty, the rice and the creamy chipotle sauce taste like… well, I’m not sure. The rice is mostly texture, but I couldn’t taste either or differentiate them in any way because… salt. I’m guessing they probably tasted like salt too.

Around the halfway point, I’m thinking I’ve done enough penance that the Church should allow me one free murder without having to sign up for the next Crusade.

Okay, so the positives? The rice and beans add nice texture. Despite being covered in liquid, the flour  tortilla didn’t get excessively mushy or disintegrate into paste. The portion size was more than enough. The staff was friendly. The dining room had a nice new color scheme and was clean. There were plenty of napkins. A meteor did not hit my car as I was driving into the parking lot. The restaurant was free from zombies.

Overall, nothing to write home about, unless your home has one of these living in it:

"No, no, it's too much even more me..."

“No, no, it’s too much even more me…”

Verdict: Stick with the Nachos Bell Grande or a Burrito Supreme.

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