A later editor likely added this story since it didn’t appear in the earliest manuscripts. But it involved Jesus teaching in the Temple in Jerusalem when the Pharisees bring in a woman they caught in the act of adultery.
“Hey, Jesus, the Law says we should stone her, what do you say?”
Jesus writes in the dirt.
“Come on, Dude, should we kill her?”
“Let the one without sin throw the first stone at her.”
Jesus writes in the dirt some more.
The crowd slowly drops their stones and walk away leaving Jesus alone with the woman.
“No one stuck around to condemn you?”
“I don’t condemn you either. Go and sin no more.”
Then Jesus says, “I am the light of the world. My followers will walk in the light.”
Pharisees: “You’re just a dude saying this. We don’t believe you.”
Jesus: My testimony is valid because I know I came from heaven and will return to heaven. You don’t know this.
Pharisees: Yeah, that’s kind of the point…
Jesus: Besides, the law says the truth will be confirmed by two or more witnesses. I testify about myself, and my father does to.
Pharisees: Okay, where’s your dad so we can hear his words?
Jesus: You don’t know us. If you did know me, you’d know the Father too.
Pharisees: This… this really isn’t getting us anywhere.
Jesus: I’m going to go away. You’ll look for me, but not find me and die in your sins. Because you can’t come where I’m going.
Pharisees: So… you’re going to kill yourself? We don’t- we don’t get it.
Jesus: That’s because you’re earthly. I’m heavenly. You’re going to die in your sins unless you believe I’m he.
Pharisees: Who are you?
Jesus: I’ve told you already! I’ve got a lot to say about you people, but the one who sent me is true. And I speak the words he speaks to me.
Pharisee: So, uh… you hear someone talking to you right now?
Jesus: When you see me lifted up, you’ll know that I’m He. He tells me what to do and I do it. He’s with me now and never leaves me alone because I do everything that makes him happy.”
“John” interjects and says many believe in Jesus now… which… looking at this conversation without the years of Christian interpretation I’ve been taught, I’ve got to say that if I had this conversation with a stranger in a church, I’d probably call 911 and have him held 72 hours for evaluation.
Jesus: If you follow my words, you are my disciples and you will know the truth which will set you free.
Pharisees: We’re not slaves.
Jesus: You’re slaves to sin. But if I set you free, you’re truly free. You’re Abraham’s descendants, but you want to kill me. I do what my Father says, you do what your father says.
Pharisees: Abraham is our father.
Jesus: If Abraham is your father, do his deeds. But you seek to kill me because I tell you the truth.
Pharisees: Yeah, I don’t know if you read the stories of Abraham, but trying to kill people is totally within his wheelhouse.
Ishmael: Amen, dudes…
Pharisees: Also, you’re parentage is questionable, dude. God is our father.
Jesus: No, dudes, the devil is your father.
Pharisee: No, the devil is in you. And you’re filthy Samaritan.
Jesus: I’m not demon possessed. I honor my Father and you dishonor me. I don’t seek my own glory, but Gods. If you keep my word, you will not see death.”
Pharisee: Yeah, you’re crazy. Abraham died and so did the prophets. You’re not greater than them, are you? Who are you trying to say you are?
Jesus: God glorifies me, but you don’t know him. I know Him and I keep his word. Abraham was glad to see my day!
Pharisee: You’ve seen Abraham?
Jesus: Before Abraham was, I am.
Pharisee: Wow… just going right there with the blasphemy. Guess we’re going to have to kill you with big heavy rocks like it says in the Law.
Jesus leaves the temple quickly.
Jesus finds a man that was born blind. His disciples ask: “Hey, whose sin caused this? Did the fetus sin or did his parents sin?”
“Stuff happens,” Jesus said. “But this man was put here to glorify God. Hey, blind dude, here’s mud in your eye.” Jesus literally puts mud on his eyes. “Okay, now go wash up and you’ll be able to see.”
The blind man washes his face and he can see. He joyously freaks out and gathers a lot of attention to himself. And he says, “Jesus made mud and put it in my eyes and healed me!”
“Where did he go?”
So they bring him to the Pharisees because it was the Sabbath day and the Pharisees are pissed off about Jesus making mud on the Sabbath and healing the guy and they don’t believe him when he says he was born blind and Jesus healed him.
They call his parents in who say, “Yep, that’s our son and he was born blind. Not sure how he sees now.”
So they say, “Well, praise God then, because Jesus is a sinner.”
“I don’t know about that, but I was blind, now I see.”
Things escalate until the Pharisees kick him out of synagogue and ban him. So Jesus finds him and says, “Do you believe in Me?”
He does and he starts worshipping and following Jesus. Jesus says he came to help the blind see and show those who think they see that they’re blind.
Jesus: A true shepherd is recognized by his sheep and they follow him, and not an imposter or thief.
Crowd: Uh… sure…. Okay.
Jesus: I am the door of the sheep. All of these other religious leaders are thieves and robbers, but if you come into the fold through Me, you’ll be saved. I’ve come to give you life. They come to fleece you, butcher you, and fatten themselves off of you.
I’m the good shepherd. I lay down my life for my sheep. I know my sheep and they know me. The Father loves me because I give my life for the sheep. No man kills me. I lay down my life and take it back up again.”
So the crowd is divided about Jesus again.
Jews: Tell us if you’re the Christ.
Jesus: I did, but you don’t believe me. You’re not my sheep. I give my sheep eternal life and no one will take them from me. My father has given them to me and I and my father are one.
Jews: Okay, big heavy rocks again.
Jesus: So which of my good works are you killing me for?
Jews: Not for your works, but because you’re a man claiming to be equal with God.
Jesus: Hey, remember that one psalm where God addresses other gods? So why do you object to me saying I’m God’s son? If I don’t imitate God, don’t believe me, but if I do what God would do, then believe or believe in my works.
But they try to kill him and Jesus slips away.
Jesus: LOOK OVER THERE!
Jews: Huh? What is it?
Jesus: (voice fading) Just keep looking…