Chapter 18:
Jesus goes to the Garden of Gethsemane to pray. Judas leads a Roman guard along with some priests to go arrest Jesus.
Jesus: Who are you looking for?
Guard: Jesus of Nazareth
Jesus: I am.
Everyone falls down to the ground. There’s no Judas’ kiss here. Just Jesus messing with the guards.
Jesus: Who are you seeking?
Guards: Jesus of Nazareth.
Jesus: I’m the guy. Let the others go.
But Peter attacks them with a sword and Jesus rebukes him, not telling him that those who live by violence die by violence, but that Jesus has to go with the guards and die.
Peter and another disciple follow Jesus from a distance. The other disciple enters into the high priest’s house because he is known by the high priest, but Peter is kept outside until this other disciple speaks to the doorman and gets Peter admitted. Peter immediately starts denying that he knows Jesus.
So the high priest questions Jesus, and Jesus says, “I haven’t been keeping a low profile. You guys know what I teach, and if you don’t ask the crowds about it.”
Someone strikes him for getting mouthy with the high priest. And they send Jesus off to the co-high priest, I guess for another round of questioning.
Peter finishes denying Jesus and has a good cry over it.
I guess we’re skipping the second round of questioning by Caiaphus and jumping straight to Pilate. Okay, so now we get a really funny picture that almost certainly did not happen.
It’s early morning at Pilate’s house. A knock on the door rouses the doorman who opens it enough to see who is outside.
Doorman: What do you want? It’s way too early for this shit.
Priests: We need Pilate to condemn this man.
Doorman: Alright, bring him in.
Priests: No, you take him. We can’t come inside. You have Gentile cooties.
Doorman: Fine.
He grabs Jesus and takes him up to Pilate.
Doorman: Mi Lord, the Jews have brought a prisoner for you to condemn.
Pilate: Alright, alright.
He puts on his robe and walks out of his bedroom. “Where are they?”
“Outside, they refused to come in.”
“Fine,” Pilate said. He marched downstairs to the door ignoring the guards saluting him. It was too damn early. He opened the door and the priests were standing outside. “What do you want?”
“Look, the guy is evil, okay, just condemn him.”
“Take care of it yourselves. It’s too damn early.”
“Yeah, we’re not allowed to kill him.”
So they go back and forth, then Pilate closes the door, marches upstairs and asks Jesus, “Are you the king of the Jews?”
“Who told you to ask that question?”
“The stupid idiots who brought you to me at 3 am, so what have you done?”
“My kingdom is not of this world, if it were, my partisans would fight for me now, but my kingdom is a heavenly one.”
“Okay, so you’re a king?”
“Sure.”
So Pilate marches back downstairs, opens the door, and says, “Yeah, the guy is crazy, but harmless. Not guilty. But you know, I could release him or I could release Barabbas the murderer and rebel against Rome, your choice.”
“We take Barabbas!”
“I’m really bad at my job,” Pilate said.
House of the Dread 