God: Hey, did I mention you should honor your fathers and mothers, not work on Saturdays, or make other gods for yourself?
Moe: You may have carved it on stone tablets in the last book and had me do the same.
God: Also, make sure you eat the peace offering the first or second day… if you eat it the third day, you have to die.
Moe: Yeah, you said that already too. Back near the beginning of this awful book.
God: Well, okay, I’ve got more rules. Just… give me a minute. Ah, okay… we need to set up a welfare system for the poor. So tell the land owners not to reap the corners of their fields and not to pick up any produce that falls to the ground during harvesting. That’s for the poor to eat.
Moe: But, ye verily Lord, will that not teach the poor to be lazy moochers and be dependent upon the welfare state? Shouldst we not lower taxes on the land owners instead?
God: No. No…. Me, no. What the hell is wrong with you? Feed the poor.
Okay, more commandments… don’t steal… don’t cheat one another… don’t lie… don’t swear falsely by my name… do not oppress your neighbor. Their lives matter too.
Also, pay your workers. I shouldn’t have to say that, but apparently, I do. Do not be partial to the poor or the rich, judge justly.
Don’t slander each other.
Don’t hate each other. You can disagree and correct each other, but don’t hate one another or take vengeance. Love your neighbor as yourself.
Moe: This is actually good stuff…
God: Yeah, I hope people don’t miss it and focus solely on the sex stuff instead.
Moe: Who would do that? (laughs)
God: Well, I do have some not so good stuff now.
- Don’t breed two different types of cattle together.
- Don’t sow two kinds of seed in your fields
- Don’t wear clothes made from two fabrics.
- When you enter Canaan, don’t eat from the plants or trees for four years.
- Don’t eat blood. (“WE KNOW! WE KNOW!”)
- Don’t shave your sideburns.
- Don’t cut yourself or get tattoos.
- Don’t prostitute your daughters.
- Don’t work on Saturday (Yeah, that would be the 20th time you mentioned that.)
- Don’t go to fortune tellers
And back to some good stuff…
- Honor the olds
- Be nice to foreigners and immigrants because you were once foreigners and immigrants and didn’t it suck to have the power of the State oppress and persecute you? Love your neighbor applies to THEM too.
- Don’t cheat people in business.
- Don’t kill people as a sacrifice to gods…. Yes, yes, I know, Genesis 22… just ignore that bit for now… if you sacrifice people to gods, I’m going to get smite-y.
- Seriously, don’t go to fortune tellers or I will kill you.
- If you curse your father or mother, you are to be put to death.
- If you commit adultery, death.
- If you sleep with your mother or mother-in-law, death.
- If you sleep with a menstruating woman? Death.
- If you have sex with your aunt? Death.
- If you sleep with aunt-in-law? Sterility.
- If you sleep with your sister-in-law? Sterility, unless your brother is dead, in which case, God might kill you if you don’t sleep with your sister-in-law (Genesis 37.)
- Do everything I’ve said and we’ll get along just fine. Otherwise… Smite-y.
- Seriously, kill the fortune tellers.
God: Rules for priests… you can’t bury your dead relatives… well, okay, you can bury your parents and your children and your virgin sisters, but no one else. Dead people have cooties. Also, don’t shave your sideburns or your heads or cut yourselves. Sorry, Pretty Woman fans among you, but you can’t marry prostitutes. You can’t marry divorcees either. And if your daughter goes out and has sex outside of marriage, go ahead and burn her with fire… that sounds reasonable, right?
Moses: Of course, Lord, of course… it’s a good thing you said that. A very good thing.
God: Oh, except for the high priest. He can’t mourn, take off his hat, or bury anyone. He has to marry a virgin (probably a young teenager) not because he wants to, of course, but he has to… says God…Widows or divorcees are icky too, apparently.
God: Also, I don’t want any cripples coming near me. They make me feel uncomfortable… so no, blind men, no lame men, no one with a disfigured face or limb, no one with a broken hand or foot, no hunchbacks, no dwarves, no one with eczema, scabs, no eunuchs…Yuck… I mean… I guess they can eat the priests food, but I don’t want to see them. They’ll profane my sanctuary with their… handicappedness…
Moses: Are you SURE you want me to include that part?
God: Yeah, yeah, it’s not like anyone’s going to read this far into the book anyway.