The TL:DR Bible: Obadiah and Jonah


Chapter 1:

God says to Edom: You rejoiced and harassed Judah in the time of his distress, so the Lord will cause all nations to gather against you and betray you and leave your lands desolate and barren.

But God will restore Israel and Judah and God will judge the nations and establish a kingdom.



Chapter 1

God: Hey, Jonah.

Jonah: Oh, hi, God.

God: You know, I’ve been noticing the Assyrians. They’re kind of dicks.

Jonah: Yeah, they are. Are you going to smite them?

God: No… I actually kind of care about them. Why don’t you go talk to them and let them know they need to stop being dicks to everyone.

Jonah: Sure… let me get right on that… I just need to go down to the docks first, okay? But I’m totes on that going to Nineveh command.

God: Sigh… he’s going the wrong way, isn’t he?

Jonah boards a boat, God sends a storm. The professional sailors think they’re going to die. Jonah is asleep.

Captain: Hey, wake up! Ask your god to spare our lives.

Sailors: Okay, let’s play a game of dice and see whose fault this storm is.

They play and Jonah loses.

Jonah: Alright, alright. Yeah… Yahweh told me to go to Nineveh and I didn’t want to because those assholes deserve to burn.

Sailor: Okay, maybe we should turn the boat around then and head back so you can go to Nineveh.

Jonah: No. Just throw me overboard.

Sailors: Seriously?

Jonah: Yeah, Screw those Assyrian jerks.

Splash. The storm ends.

God: Dude… I’m God. I could make you grow gills. But, maybe you’ll be fish vomit instead.

Jonah: Yeah, I did not think this through.


Chapter 2:

Jonah: Hey, God? Yeah, I was an asshole. If you save me, I’ll go to Nineveh.

God: Sounds good, Fish Vomit.


Chapter 3:

God: Hey, Fish Vomit. I’d like you to go to Nineveh and tell them to stop being dicks to everyone.

Jonah: Sigh… if I go the other way, there’s a giant worm waiting to swallow me, isn’t there?

God: Aw, Fish Vomit… I’ve got all sorts of giant critters I can make that will want to eat you.

Jonah: Guess I’ll go to Nineveh.

He goes to Nineveh.

Jonah: You jerks have forty days before Yahweh incinerates this town.

Assyrians: Hey… a guy who smells of fish vomit just told us that Yahweh is angry at us. What should we do?

King: Everyone mourn and fast and pray to Yahweh so he might spare our lives.

God: See? That’s wasn’t so hard, was it?


Chapter 4:

Jonah: Sigh… you know, God, this is exactly what I was thinking when I tried to escape. I’d tell them to stop being dicks, they’d stop, and you’d be all merciful and forgiving. You really suck sometimes.

God: Do you really have a reason to be angry at Me?

Jonah goes out of Nineveh into the desert and climbs a bluff where he could see the city. He is still hoping God will incinerate it. God makes a plant grow overnight to give Jonah shade. Jonah is happy about the plant.

The next day, God has a worm kill the plant, then sends a scorching wind to make Jonah miserable.

Jonah: Will you just kill me already?

God: Do you have a good reason to be angry about the plant?

Jonah: Yes, even to death.

God: How are you compassionate towards the plant that you didn’t make, and so cold-hearted towards your fellow man, including over 120,000 children who live in the city? Not to mention the animals.

Jonah: I’ve read about the Flood, you know.

God: Look, that wasn’t my best moment. I was a bit hangry… there were angels having sex with women… it was a weird time, okay? Point is, now I like everyone, not just the Jews.

Jonah: One word: Canaanites.

God: This book of the bible is over.


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