The TL:DR Bible: Proverbs 10-11

We hit the speed bump today as Solomon decides to just start throwing a bunch of short sayings together making it difficult to summarize.

Solomon is still a jerk, is what I’m saying.

Chapter 10:

• Smart kids make their parents proud, dumb kids make them ashamed.
• Stealing doesn’t prosper (unless you’re a banker), but doing good will keep you from death.
• God doesn’t allow good people to starve…(Wow…that’s just not true.)
• Doing a half-assed job will make you poor, but doing a good job will make you rich… (also, not always true.)
• If you work hard during harvest, you’re smart. If you leave your crops to rot because you’re too lazy, you’re an idiot.
• Righteous people are awesome, wicked people suck.
• Wise people receive instruction. Fools always talk.
• People will find out about your sins.
• Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks for good or ill.
• Hatred causes enmity (ya think?) but love forgives.
• Wise people speak wise words, but fools will be caned.
• The rich man’s wealth is his security, the poor man’s suffering is his poverty… (This is the wisest man on Earth?)
• The righteous will be given life, the wicked punishment.
• Righteous people speak good words. Wicked people are fools.
• Lazy people are bad employees.
• If you do what is right, you’ll be blessed. If you don’t, you’ll be cursed. (Job: WRONG!)

 

Chapter 11:

• God likes honest business practices. Yeah… I’m looking at you Joel the Grocer. We all know you weigh your scales, you miserable cheat.
• Pride comes before a fall. Humility is wisdom.
• Your wealth will not save you from God’s judgment. Righteous will.
• More stuff about how the righteous will be blessed and the wicked will be cursed.
• Keep the secrets entrusted to you. Don’t be a blabbermouth.
• Don’t cosign loans with strangers.
• Gracious women are honored, ruthless men become rich.
• Stay righteous, brother.
• Women who blab all the time are like pigs with gold rings in their snouts, amirite, fellas?
• Generous people will always have more to give. Hoarders and the greedy will always be in want and despised by the people.
• If you trust in your wealth, it’s going to fail you… but you just said that the rich man’s wealth is his security…

The TL:DR Bible – Psalm 119

Chapter 119:

Aleph is for Alephant

How happy you’ll be if you walk in the law of God (because you won’t be stoned to death.)

How happy you’ll be if you seek God with all your heart.

Job: Wrong!

I hope I keep the law because being stoned to death would suck.

 

Beth is for Bethany Cooper whom I had a crush on the 2^nd grade

How can a young man keep his way pure?

By living according to the law (so he’ll know not to fornicate, but to buy a young girl as a concubine instead)

Oh, Lord, keep me in your law, I tell everyone of your ordinances, including the 2,000 chapters on interior decorating your tent in Leviticus.

I will meditate and delight in your law… or just kind of ignore it and pretend I know what’s in there and that it’s all good and consistent with a loving God and not at least partially the product of Bronze Age culture.

 

Gimel is for… uh… he was the rival of Macy’s Department store, right?

Okay, I live and keep your word, you’re law is awesome, wonderful, perfect, I’m obsessed with it…

Yeah, now I’m really sure  he hasn’t read any of it. I remember my trek through those books. 80% of it was mind-numbingly dull, 15% was horrid, and 5% was actually pretty good and progressive for its time.

 

Daleth is for… Dr. Who villains

I was down, but you can revive me by your word. Teach me your law. I really need to know in precise detail the many, many ways you want animal exterminated. Exterminated.

 

He is for that guy over there.

Teach me your law, it’s so good and wonderful and this is not at all sounding like a guy who’s sucking up to the author when it’s evident he hasn’t read the book.

 

Vav is for Vavoline motor oil… 

I obey and teach and really love your commandments. The part of slavery gets me right here every time.

 

Zayin is for Goku, the world’s first super Zayin.

Your law gives me comfort even though things are crap.

 

Heth is for Beth’s male twin. We really wanted rhyming names

The Lord is the only thing I truly care about. His law is super double-plus good. And I only hang out with guys who also want to hump this book.

 

Teth is for Im-O-Teth, the mummy…

You’ve been good to me, God, helping me keep your law. Before you beat me, I was just out there doing my own thing and having fun, but now I stone people who pick up firewood on Saturdays.

 

Yodh is for a little green Jedi Master who lives on Dagobah.

Seriously, I will hike up my robes and go to town on this book right now, O Lord.

 

Kaph is one that I can’t think of a pun for…

Seriously, I lie in bed at night thinking of the words of your law. The thick bold pen strokes… the smell of papyrus… I wonder when you will comfort me.

Oh, and because this is a psalm, lots of people are out to get me and kill me, so help me with those assholes, please.

 

Lamedh is what Mary had for dinner after she got tired of that dumb sheep stalking her everywhere.

If it wasn’t for how much I love your law, I would have given up all hope and let those men kill me. You complete me, book. You complete me.

 

Mem is for Mom spoken with a speech impediment.

Your law is so great, I’m smarter than all my teachers with their facts and science nonsense.

Your law tastes really sweet in my mouth…. Good night, everybody!

 

Nun is for those stuck in a habit

I really love your law. Also remember the bad guys. Do something about them, please. But I’m super cool and have kept all of your law, unlike Jerry over there who wears polyester with wool blends. Bloody heathen.

 

Samekh is for “Really, underneath our clothes and skin, aren’t we all really the samekh?”

I really hate the heathen, but I love your laws. And again… bad guys over there… help?

 

Ayin is for a really bad author who ended up living off of the welfare state. Yes, fanboys, look it up. And fuck John Galt.

Hey, God, I’m super cool. I’m kind of dating your law, so could you please help me out with those guys over there trying to kill me. Sorry to keep mentioning it, but I ran out of things to say 121 verses ago.

 

Pe is for… you figure it out.

Your law is wonderful, especially the bits about stoning rape victims because they lived in a city. Before your law, I wouldn’t have known who to kill.

 

Tsadhe is for an old pervy French noble who was into whips…

He really loves the freaking law. I get it.

 

Qoph is for the vaccine you should get for whooping qoph.

I keep crying out to you and you don’t answer. So I’m crying out some more.

 

Resh is something you should consult a dermatologist about

Help me out and your law is totally good. Bats ARE birds if you say so, O Lord.

 

Shin… these all sound like words that might be splashed across the screen as sound effects on the old Batman TV show.

QOPH! SHIN! TSADHE!

He has enemies he wants God to take care of and he’s currently making sweet, sweet love to Deuteronomy.

 

Tav is for tavern, where all parties must eventually go to pick up their next quest

Hey, has this guy mentioned how much he loves the law?

The TL:DR Bible: Psalms 61-70

Chapter 61:

David: Hear my cry, O Lord, please listen to me. When I am weak, I will call upon you, because you’ve helped me out and been my strength in difficult times. Let me take refuge in you. You have heard me and will bless me with strength and longevity, so I will sing to you and give you all that I have promised you.

 

Chapter 62:

David: Life sucks again, so I trust in God. I’ve got enemies. They hate me. Yada yada yada… God will take care of it and repay every man according to his deeds.

 

Chapter 63:

David: I don’t feel you here, God. I wish you were here. I’ve seen your greatness and you have been my help. My enemies surround me, but I will rejoice in you.

 

Chapter 64:

David: Hey, God. I’ve got enemies.

God: No kidding. Being a Bronze Age warlord will do that, you know?

David: But everyone’s against me! Can you please shoot arrows at them?

God: You mean like Saul did to you with the spears?

David: Exactly, like Saul did to me with the- hey!

 

Chapter 65:

David: God blessed mankind with a wonderful world, with rains, with harvests, with pastures and streams of water. God is good.

 

Chapter 66:

David: Everyone praise God! We were in a bad spot, but then God delivered us, so let’s all kill some animals.

 

Chapter 67:

Hey, God, it would be super cool if you could bless us and show us your favor, so that everyone in the world would believe in you and praise you and we would know you and honor you.

God: Ew…. Sorry, man… I can’t… for reasons…

 

Chapter 68:

David: Let God come and smash His enemies with fire. Let the righteous rejoice.

God cares for the widows and orphans. He shelters the lonely and liberates the prisoners.

God made the mountains shake and brought the storms. Armies will flee before Him.

God owns that mountain over there, and has a really huge army.

Praise be to God who delivers us. Amen.

The enemies have seen your parade, God. The parade of kings, musicians, princes, and priests.

If you keep blessing us and delivering us, Gentile kings will come to your Temple to honor you with gifts.

Everyone praise the Lord.

 

Chapter 69:

David goes on for 36 verses telling God how miserable he is thanks to his enemies, how horrid his enemies are, and begging God for help and painful judgment upon his enemies.

I should probably just copy that to the clipboard, because I still have 81 of these things to go and I think I’ll be repeating that comment at least another 50 times.

 

Chapter 70:

Oh, hey, look, it David again. He’s in trouble and wants God to do horrible things to enemies, while David sings praise songs.

David: Your holiness surrounds me…

David’s Enemy: AAAAAAAAAAHHHH! Why is God doing this to me? I simply said I thought that a representative democratic republic with a strong barrier between Temple and State would be better than a theocratic monarchy.

God: He has a point, you know.

David: Never mind that. Use the extra dull needles this time, O, Lord!

The TL:DR Bible: Psalms 51-60

Chapter 51:

David: Hey, God, totally sorry about the rape and murder thing. Could you be gracious to me and blot out my transgressions. I mean, you’re the only one I’ve sinned against…

Bathsheba: Hey, right here.

Ghost of Uriah: Uh.. me too.

David: Against You and You only have I sinned, so please forgive me. I’m scum, but you can make me better and then I can tell everyone how awesome you are. Now, I know the law says that I should die, but maybe You can waive that for me.

Now I realize you don’t need animal killing, just a humble heart, which I totally have. Now.

So bless us all. Amen. Okay, now everyone forget that whole rape and murder thing because I’m good with God now, okay?

 

Chapter 52:

David writes a song about Doeg, the guy who snitched him out to Saul.

“You suck and God’s going to destroy you for your sins, but God is totally going to bless me.”

In hindsight, maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to put this song after Psalm 51.

 

Chapter 53:

Atheists suck and are horrible, corrupt, evil people and God will destroy them. Isn’t that lovely?

 

Chapter 54:

David: Hey, God. Save me.

God: No.

David: Come on, I have a frequent savior’s club card. You owe me one free save.

God: I told Michael it was a bad idea to hand those out.

 

Chapter 55:

David: Hey, God, it’s…

God: I KNOW. I’M OMNISCIENT.

David: Right, so could you sa-

God: SAVE YOU FROM YOUR ENEMIES?

David: Actually, it’s from my best friend… who is now my enemy… maybe because of the whole rape and murder thing that we’re not going to mention because presto-chango forgiveness.

God: Sigh… I really should have come up with some better rules on forgiveness.

 

Chapter 56:

David: Oh, God, save me.

God: You know, just because you swap a few of the words around, doesn’t make it a new song.

David: My enemies draw near, but I trust in You.

God: It’s the same song as the last 50, David.

David: You take account of my sufferings. I will not be afraid.

God: That looks like a few hundred armed Philistines closing in on you. You probably should be afraid.

David: For you will deliver me!

God: No, I won’t.

Michael: Lord, you did promise to make him King of Israel.

God: AAAAAAAAGHHHHH…. FINE!

 

Chapter 57:

David: Hey, God, deliver me.

God: What is it now?

David: Saul is chasing me again. He’s trying to kill me.

God: Oh… yeah… Saul. I remember him. Handsome guy. Super cute. Never called me. Gabriel? Why did I get rid of Saul?

Gabriel: He didn’t genocide good enough, O, Lord. So you sent a demon to torture him day and night and gave the kingdom to David.

God: Oh, right… right… Is there any way to take that back?

Gabriel: You’re infallible, so no.

God: Damn… okay, David, let me save you for the 1,000^th time.

David: Yea! God!

 

Chapter 58:

David: Man, these judges suck. They are totally corrupt. I told them I thought she was 14. Geez… what total assholes. Hey, God, could you smash their teeth in for me? Oh, or let all their arrows fly off course so they can’t hunt and they starve? Or just melt them like that scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark?

Because all of us righteous people would be so happy to see that, we’d all say, “Yea! God!”

Nathan: Or we might say, “Hey, what do you know? God actually judged an evil asshole. That’s weird. Normally, nothing happens and they keep getting to reign in Jerusalem for a few more decades after they rape and murder someone.”

David: I told God I was sorry, man. Geez, let it go, would you?

 

Chapter 59:

Oh, this is the song from when Saul sent men to watch David’s house because he was going to kill him. So David stops to write a song about it.

You know how I know David is gay? (Not that there’s anything wrong with that.)

No, aside from Jonathan stripping naked in front of him in his bedroom.

No, aside from David saying that the love of Jonathan was better than the love of any woman.

No, it’s because David’s life is a damned Broadway musical where he breaks into song every 5 seconds.

Anyway, David once again says, “Save me, God! There are people coming to kill me! Blah blah blah…”

 

Chapter 60:

David: O, Lord, we lost a battle! You have rejected us! Oh! The pain! The horror! Who will fight for us now? Whoooooooooooooo?

God: Okay, you don’t have to be a drama queen about it. I’ll help you out and let you kill those guys over there. Geez. Guy can’t get one day off. Just one day… Zeus gets a day off. He’s taking macramé classes. But Yahweh steps away for one tango lesson and it’s all “We need you!” and “Ow! Ow! They’re stabbing me…” Geez.

The TL:DR Bible: Psalms 31-40

Chapter 31: or if this were Proverbs, we’d be done by now.

David: “Hey, God. It’s me. David. Could you-“

God: “Help you out and kill, maim and torture your enemies forever?”

David: “…”

God: “You know about 3/4ths of your songs have been about this. Maybe you should try and write a nice pop ballad about that Abigail girl.”

David: “Which one was she? I’ve got like 100 wives…”

God: “Stop calling this number.”

 

Chapter 32:

David: “It feels really good to be forgiven for killing one of my friends and raping his wife. When I tried to hide my sin, I felt really guilty and condemned, but once a prophet exposed my sin and God killed my son and I otherwise wasn’t punished, it’s pretty cool. Plus, I still get to shag Bathsheba, but like, legally now. God’s pretty great.”

 

Chapter 33:

We should praise God because He created the universe and is sovereign over the nations. He watches us and will help those who love Him.

 

Chapter 34:

David has just finished pretending to be insane to escape the Philistines while he was on the run from Saul. So he stops and writes a song thanking God for preserving his life. Despite Saul being cozy in a palace and king of Israel and David being a homeless outlaw on the run, David says that the best way to a good life is to be a good person and trust in the Lord.

 

Chapter 35:

David: “Hey, God. It’s me, David.”

God: “How… I just changed my number. How did you get this number?”

David: “I texted Gabriel.”

God: I am so going to change him into a four-headed, six winged thing with eyeballs everywhere.

David: Haha… yeah. Anyway, could you deliver me and smite my enemies again? I was totes cool to them, bro, but now that I’m having issues, they’re all laughing and plotting against me.

God: Will it- If I do this, will it get you to hang up and stop bothering me?

David: Sure. I’ll even sing your praises in the sanctuary.

God: Yeah, yeah, whatever. You go sing. I’ll deliver you. Hang up now.

 

Chapter 36:

People are scum.

God is love.

 

Chapter 37:

Don’t be jealous of the wicked because any day now, they’ll come to ruin. Any day now… Trust in the Lord anyway. He’ll really bless you and if it doesn’t seem like he’s blessing you, just wait for it. Wait for it. God is totally going to bless you and smite the wicked. Even if it doesn’t seem like it’s happening and you’re dying and that asshole is making more money and causing pain and misery to millions of innocent people.

Any day now…

 

Chapter 38:

David: Hi, God.

God: Not again…

David: No, I’m not here to complain about my enemies. I just wanted to say that I’m sorry. You know… for the murders and rape and all that. I feel really bad about it. It’s making me sick.

God: Oh, well… that… that’s very enlightened of you, David. I think you might be grow-“

David: But while I’m on the phone with you, let me tell you about how bad my enemies are.

God: (quietly weeps)

 

Chapter 39:

David: Hey, God.

God: WHAT? WHAT DO YOU WANT NOW?

David: I just realized that I’m going to die one day. I mean… maybe 80-90 years and then we’re gone. Forever.

God: Oh. Well, that’s true. I’ve made your lives quite short.

David: Help me to remember that, and forgive my sins. And please deliver me from my current troubles which are probably from you because of my sins. Stop watching me, so I can get some peace and quiet because I’ll be dead soon.

God: Stop bothering you?! Sigh… GABRIEL? HAVE I INVENTED THE RESTRAINING ORDER YET? No? Crap… I need to get on that. Cancel my 3 o’clock performance review with Satan.

 

Chapter 40:

David: God delivered me from my troubles and made me secure.

God: And yet you’ll still be calling me next Tuesday to do it again, won’t you?

David: It’s great to trust in the Lord. God thinks of us often and this thoughts of us are too many to count.

God: Because you keep calling me.

David: For God does not want empty religious ceremony or piety. God wants us to do what is right.

God: Wait… yes… that’s it! You’ve gotten it!

David: So I will sing of God’s goodness, righteousness, faithfulness, and love.

God: That’s not really necessary. Go back to the ‘God wants us to do what is right’ part.

David: Surely God will deliver me again.

God: You just said I already delivered you. How could you possibly be in more trouble already?

David: Many evils have overtaken me. Let those who seek my harm be dishonored, ashamed, and humiliated like the vermin they are. But God’s totally going to help me.

God: And you’ve lost it…

The TL:DR Bible: Psalms 1-10

Well, trying to summarize 150 ancient Hebrew songs should be a hoot.

 

Chapter 1:

Hey, remember how Job’s friends said that the righteous would be blessed and the wicked would be punished, and then God came along and said they were wrong?

Yeah, this song disagrees with God.

Also, if you’re delighting in the Law of the Lord, you probably haven’t actually read it. Or at least you skipped the 1,000 chapters on building a tent and the various ways God wants animals killed.

 

Chapter 2:

A bunch of subject nations start to think about rebelling against David and therefore Yahweh, and David writes that God is laughing at the would-be rebels and will crush them because God has installed him as king on Zion and will give him anything he wants.

You could also read this as some futuristic prophetic tale of a bunch of nations deciding to rebel against Jesus, in which case, Jesus comes off as a tyrant ready to slaughter anyone who looks at him funny.

 

Chapter 3:

David is running away from Absalom and he writes a song lamenting how many enemies have risen up against him and expresses his confidence that God will protect him and crush his enemies.

 

Chapter 4:

Answer me when I call, God.

Hey, people, how long are you going to suck.

God keeps the godly man for Himself

Stop sinning and do good.

If you’re miserable, God will make you happy and peaceful.

 

Chapter 5:

Hey, God, could you help me out, please? I’m crying out to you every morning.

You’re not evil and you don’t like evil. You’re totally going to crush the guilty, but you’ll save me because you love me. So help me to stay good. My enemies are total dicks, so please judge them.

But seriously, since I’m taking refuge in you, bless and keep me. Amen.

 

Chapter 6:

David’s pretty morose and miserable as he cries to God to forgive him for something. Probably not the many acts of genocide though.

He asks pardon from God and says he’s miserable and then tells the rest of the wicked to sod off because God hears his crying and will beat the tar out of them.

 

Chapter 7:

David cries to God again because of some asshole named Cush the Benjamite this time. Cush apparently did something horrible to David, so David says he trusts God to protect and preserve him.

David says if he’s guilty, then God can let Cush totally kill him.

But then he calls out to God to totally kill Cush and the rest of David’s adversaries and says that God is angry every day. No Jesus meek and mild for warrior king David. God is super pissed and ready to start smiting.

David lastly says that Cush is going to die of ironic punishment and then gives thanks to God for being so good to him.

 

Chapter 8:

The universe is vast, infinite, and terrifying. Man is a small speck of dust on a small speck of dust circling a tiny hydrogen-helium fusion reactor in the midst of one galaxy among trillions. So why does God care so much for humans? David doesn’t know, but he’s grateful that God does.

 

Chapter 9:

Once again David is miserable and writes a song asking God to smite his enemies and make him happy again.

 

Chapter 10:

God doesn’t seem to be around much, does He? Like seriously, things are going to hell in a handbasket, where is God?

There are lots of assholes out there plotting and doing evil. Hurting people. They think they are safe and will always prosper, and they seem to be right.

So how about doing something about that now, God? Save the afflicted and oppressed. Destroy the evil doer and break their arms. Utterly annihilate them.

You’re king, so you will hear the cries of the distressed and the least of these and put a stop to man’s evil in the world.

The TL:DR Bible: Job 33-42

Chapter 33:

Elihu speaks:

“I’m going to speak now. I’m not God. I was just made by God like you, so maybe you won’t be scared to hear from me?”

“Now you’ve said you’re pure and that God is finding guilt and punishing you when there is no guilt. That God sees you as an enemy, but you’re wrong. God is greater than we are. Why do you complain that He won’t tell you why you suffer? God does speak, but no one hears it. He teaches us, so that we might live. He hurts us, so that we go near death, so He can bring us back from the pit and we might appreciate life… you know… like Jigsaw from that series of movies that started out okay, but just stopped making sense even before the Dread Pirate Wesley cut off his own foot? Anyway, God hurts us, so we can come back from death and tell everyone how great He is for only making us suffer a little bit instead of killing us.”

 

Chapter 34:

Elihu continues, “Sure Job says he’s not guilty, but God is just and God repays every man according to his deeds. Job walks with wicked men and speaks profanely when he says being on God’s good side profits a man nothing.”

“God can’t do wrong. He’s not going to act badly or without justice. He’s the guy in charge, and if He chooses to, He can kill us all anytime He chooses and no one could complain about that. God sees everything, so He chooses to destroy some men. The strongest, He crushes and sets another in their place.”

“Who are we to challenge Him or complain? Has any of us suffered at the hand of God and stopped sinning? God’s going to do to you what seems right to Him, not what seems right to you. Mysterious ways and all that stuff.”

“But you’re sinning more, Job, by complaining about your suffering.”

Elihu apparently is a Calvinist.

 

Chapter 35:

“You don’t give anything to God by being righteous. God is not hurt by your sinning. Your actions only affect men. People cry out and God does not answer because of their pride. So when you complain that God is silent, you’re being arrogant. God knows your state and you just have to wait for Him to get around to destroying you or helping you out. You know, whatever He chooses because we’re pretty much cosmic pawns here is what I’m getting at.”

 

Chapter 36:

“Now, I’m not going to boast here, but I’m perfect in knowledge.”

“God is great. God punishes the wicked. God delivers the righteous and…”

Okay, I’m going to break in because Elihu says nothing worth mentioning that hasn’t been said before. Seriously, Elihu, all of Job’s friends have repeated this same mantra for the last 35 chapters and it still doesn’t make it true. The wicked do pretty damn well in the world, while the innocent suffer immensely and huddle together in airports and tents in the middle of the desert without food and water. Repeating the mantra that if we just worship God the right way, everything will work out is bullshit. I know a couple tangentially who are watching their three year-old slowly die of cancer. Good people, love God. What possible sins could a three year-old commit to deserve pediatric cancer, you Bronze Age half-wit?

Back to Job, I guess…

“Our God is an awesome God. He reigns from heaven above with wisdom, power and love. Our God is an awesome God…” (Who occasionally doles out cancer to children…)

 

Chapter 37:

Elihu spends one more chapter telling us just how bloody great God is.

 

Chapter 38:

God shows up. “Hey, Job, stop talking shit. Are you God? Do you know what it’s like to be Me? I created the universe and you’re going to tell Me that I’m wrong?”

 

Chapter 39:

God says, “Do you watch animals give birth? Do you know everything about the critters running around down there? Because I do. You just don’t understand what it’s like being God.

 

Chapter 40:

Job says, “Okay, I don’t know what it’s like to be God. So fine, I’ll stop complaining about my suffering.”

God says, “Oh, are you going to complain to Me? Is the little insignificant speck going to say I’m wrong? Why don’t you try being God and then I’ll answer to you. Did you make a mythical monster Behemoth? I didn’t think so.”

 

Chapter 41:

“How about a mythical sea beast Leviathan? I made that. Yeah. So there….”

 

Chapter 42:

“Oh Lord, you can pretty much do whatever the hell you want to do, so I’m really sorry.”

So God speaks to Job’s friends and says, “Hey, you guys were talking bad about Me to Job. You kept saying I punished the wicked and rewarded the righteous, instead of telling Job that He’s just too dumb and insignificant to understand why I do the things I do. You better get Job to pray for you or I’m going to kill you.”

So Job prays for His friends and God spares them.

Then God restores Job’s fortunes and gives him ten new children which were more handsome and more attractive than the last ten kids, so I guess that makes up for having killed the first ten, right? Anyway, Job died 140 years later happy.

And presumably, Satan had to pay God a dollar for losing their bet.

The TL:DR Bible: Job 28-32

Chapter 28:

Job continues, “It’s really hard to find jewels and gold and silver. It’s even harder to find wisdom. God knows where wisdom is and He has told us that to fear the Lord is wisdom and to abstain from evil is understanding.

 

Chapter 29:

“My life was pretty great before God destroyed it. I had my children. I was wealthy. I was respected. I helped the poor, the orphans, and the widows. I fought for justice and broke the jaws of the unjust. I thought everything would continue as it was. People respected my counsel.”

 

Chapter 30:

“Kids these days mock me. Men worse off than me taunt me. I am a curse because God has destroyed me. He has pierced me with many arrows. The wicked profit from my destruction and no one stops them.

“Now my soul is poured out, I lie awake at night in fear and grief. God has cast me out into the garbage. I cry out to you, O Lord, but you refuse to speak! I beg for help, but you have set Your face against me. You are cruel to me and continue to persecute me. Did I not cry out to You for the needy and help them? Yet when I expected good, evil came upon me. Therefore I grieve and mourn.”

 

Chapter 31:

“Hell, I didn’t even lust after the young virgin girls like other old pervs. I expect God to judge the wicked. Haven’t you been watching me? If I’ve lied, let God judge me and know my integrity. If I’ve sinned, then yes, let me suffer. If I’ve committed adultery, punish me! If I’ve mistreated my slaves, call me to account. If I have afflicted the poor, let me suffer with hunger. If I am greedy, judge me! If I am vengeful, condemn me! If I have stolen land by deceit or force, then let me suffer.”

 

 Chapter 32:

Apparently, there is a fourth friend there named Elihu, but he is a young man and didn’t want to speak before his elders. But since Job is done justifying himself and the three friends are speechless and cannot answer Job, Elihu gets up and says, “Hey, I was keeping quiet because you guys are old and are supposed to be wise, but none of you can answer Job, so I’m going to talk now, okay?”

And we’ll cover Elihu’s speech tomorrow.

The TL:DR Bible: Job 20-27

Chapter 20:

Zophar says, “Hey, sure, Job, it might seem like the wicked are happy and prosperous and well fed, but it’s going to be short-lived. God will totally take them down a peg and then they’ll see how wrong they were.”

 

Chapter 21:

Job says, “Uh… no. The wicked are fat, happy, and prosperous and they die that way. The righteous are afflicted, poor, and suffering and they die that way too. They both go down to the grave together and are eaten by worms. What’s more, the wicked assholes are often honored and not forgotten by the next generation. “

 

Chapter 22:

Eliphaz says, “Come on, Job, you’re really a wicked person. You’ve loaned money for interest, neglected the poor, and ignored widows and orphans. The wicked will totally suffer and the righteous will mock them. So repent and go back to God and He will restore you.”

 

Chapter 23:

Job said, “Yeah, I would love to go see God. I’d like to plead my case before Him, but He’s not exactly there, is He? I don’t see Him, do you? And even if we did see Him, my heart would fail, because I am terrified of Him for what He’s done to me.”

 

Chapter 24:

Job continues, “There are a lot of prosperous assholes out there. People who lie, cheat, steal, murder and they live at ease. Sure, they will die eventually and be forgotten, but it’s not like God is out there raining down lightning bolts on them.”

 

Chapter 25:

Bildad says, “Well, Job, you just don’t understand. God is holy and powerful and we’re all nothing before Him, but filthy sinners. None of us are pure, so you kind of deserve whatever evils God dishes out, don’t you?”

And yes, I’ve heard this argument from Christians today to justify the suffering of good people.

 

Chapter 26:

Job says, “Wow… what profound wisdom! What marvelous counsel! How helpful you are to the weak! Jackass…  Sure, God’s really great.

 

Chapter 27:

“I am a righteous man. Says so right back in Chapter 1. I will hold fast to my integrity until I die.”

And then Job kind of agrees with his friends, “The wicked prosper, but will meet a bad end from God eventually.”

That’s kind of weird when the book has up to this point been presenting that argument as false, but okay, maybe the author needs to believe that to maintain his faith in divine justice, even it doesn’t fit his overall ruminations on the problem of evil.

Job goes on for a little while longer, so I’m going to stop here and pick it up again tomorrow.

The TL:DR Bible: Job 11-14

Chapter 11

Job’s third friend Zophar speaks and he says the same as the previous two:

“I’m going to speak now because you’re wrong and you’re mocking God. I wish God would speak against you and tell you how you’ve failed. God is all powerful and can do anything, you should make your heart right with Him and then God will end your suffering and you will remember it no more. Oh, and the wicked will totally end up miserable and not immensely rich, powerful, and famous.”

 

Chapter 12:

Job says, “Well, aren’t you all smart. Hey, idiots, I’m your equal. Look around you. It’s a damn joke. The innocent man who calls on God is destroyed and crushed, while the wicked prosper and those who mock God are secure. Who do you think does that? God is sovereign, right? God brings calamity upon all men as He chooses.”

 

Chapter 13:

Job continues, “I’ve seen all this with my own eyes. I’m living it now. I would speak and argue with God, but you’re slandering me. You should all just shut up and let me still think you’re wise men.  Do you think you should be the ones contending and speaking for God? How do you think that’s going to go for you? Your “words of wisdom” are bullshit.

“I’m not mocking God. Even if God kills me, I’ll still hope in Him. But I’m still going to argue with Him, I have prepared my defense and I will be vindicated before Him. Just please remove Your hand from me and take away the dread I feel at the thought of seeing You and then call me and I will answer. Show me my sins! Why are you forsaking me? Why are you tormenting me?”

 

Chapter 14:

“You have appointed death for us. You have set a small limit for the number of our days, so why not turn your eyes from us and let us find a measure of rest while our brief lives endure? Trees have hope when they are cut down that they may grow again, but not us. When we die, we are gone forever. Send me to the grave until Your anger ends! Set a limit for this torment and remember me again! You destroy men’s hope and send him to the grave where he can no longer see what happens to his family.”